ally的AW练习帖

ally1213UID: 2948121

学习背景
托福作文27
GRE考试时间：7.21或者更后

加入王老师的练习营，尽量每天花时间跟写QAQ

ally1213UID: 2948121

此楼为记录贴。

ISSUE 65 - just and unjust laws - 自己风格写的。未修改
ISSUE 15 - study courses that prepare for lucrative careers -缺少challenge aspect 未修改
ARGUMENT 32 - Quiot Manufacturing on-the-job accidents 已修改总结
ISSUE 13 - students take a variety of courses
ARGUMENT 87 -

ally1213UID: 2948121

6月15日 Issue 65
issue 65
Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

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我的思路是怎么定义just laws和unjust laws。后来引申成了just的定义会随着时间，文化，和人的理解而改变。写完之后读了一下网站上贴的范文才发现自己或许写得太不中规中矩太偏激，感觉讲来讲去都是一个点。。晚上看看有思路的G友们咋写的再针对的改。没有计时word拼写校正以及各种中间停顿思考时间

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        It is too simplistic to say that every person in the society has the responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey or resist unjust laws due to the lack of clarification over the concept of just. The fundamental assumption that such a claim makes is that laws can easily be categorized as just or unjust regardless of any circumstances. While I acknowledge that we, as citizens of whatever country, have the responsibility to obey laws in order to maintain social order, my issue is that there is no just or unjust law per se. In that respect, the claim, along with its assumption, is problematic as the definitions of just change accordingly from time to time, and even person to person.

        First, it is important to recognize that a law can be just at one time, but unjust in a quite different setting. Looking back at the past, we will be surprised by how much the society has developed in terms of human civilization in the past few decades. The minorities – women and the black – are given the right to vote; the equal rights amendment was passed in the 1900s. From today’s viewpoints, it is just to guarantee the rights of all people, irrespective of gender, race, and ethnicity. Such a law is not only present in the American Constitution, but also resonates with hundreds of thousands of people in the contemporary society. But going back to, that is say, one hundred years ago, the law was that women were not supposed to participate in politics; neither did the black who was widely treated as slaves. While the majority of people at that time viewed such a law as just, today, we all agree that the law is unjust. This changing viewpoint over time makes it difficult to characterize what is just or unjust.

        Adding to the difficulty of capturing the meaning of just is that there are cultural differences in interpreting the term. As an individual who is curious about learning different cultures, I fully understand that culture plays an important role in shaping our thoughts as well as actions. In the U.S., marijuana, for example, has been legalized in some states, whereas in China, popular singers and actors have been arrested because they smoked marijuana for different purposes. According to some American experts, marijuana is beneficial when it is used for medical purposes. Within this context, is Chinese law to ban the use of marijuana just or unjust? Should we obey or disobey the law within a particular culture? These questions still remain unaddressed.

        Finally, the definition of just laws depends heavily upon personal interpretations. This is true in the case of Edward Snowden. Working at the American intelligence agency, CIA, Snowden leaked many classified documents and revealed that the U.S. government has run multiple global surveillance programs for the so-called security purposes. This case has two different interpretations: first, personal privacy should be protected because the Constitution has granted individual rights. Second, it is okay to keep these surveillance programs at the expense of personal privacy because they will help promote national security. Recently, the U.S. has introduced a bill that would have reduced these surveillance programs targeting cell phones and text messages. If such a bill is signed into law, will it be just or unjust? In any case, different person can have different responses and views towards a particular law or policy. That is why I cannot agree with the claim that stresses our responsibility to obey just laws and disobey unjust laws.

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Updates
关于其他思路
From essayjudge:

正1：Obeying just laws is beneficial to social stability (no robbery, no burglary and no murder)
正2：Resisting unjust ones prevent government from becoming totalitarian
例子-the laws of ancient Rome: their laws stipulate that if a slave kills his/her master, he/she must suffer severe torture and be executed finally. In contrast, if a master or aristocrat kills his/her slave, he/she would receive no punishment.
合：What justice means is somewhat subjective
例子-social policy: abortion

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ally1213 发表于 2015-6-15 12:08
6月15日 Issue 65
issue 65
Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws an ...

欢迎加入 请将练习楼层的链接发到这里 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1841330-1-1.html

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ally1213 发表于 2015-6-15 12:08
6月15日 Issue 65
issue 65
Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws an ...

请先学习1+3模型

ally1213UID: 2948121

ISSUE 15

先列提纲后计时写
------------------
多长时间？

I strongly disagree with the statement that educational institutions should encourage students to pursue areas of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers for the following two reasons. First, many people may not be successful in these seemingly lucrative careers because of a lack of necessary skills and intrinsic motivation. Even if students choose those fields, it is likely that they may not get good-paying jobs as expected since the job market will be more competitive. Finally, encouraging students to pursue lucrative careers would raise moral questions regarding the proper function of these educational institutions.

没有看见你引出second reason
另外这两个reason的顺序需要斟酌一下   貌似应该先说可能找不到工作 再说找到工作未必有lucrative career  
然后你没有回应题目要求关于challenge的部分 汗  


To begin with, students may not be successful in these seemingly lucrative careers because of a lack of interest and necessary skills. It is widely acknowledged that a positive learning experience start with interests and talents. For example, students who are interested in literature and have strong writing skills may not be a fit for such majors as math and computer science. It is possible that they may take more time than their peers in completing a task, thus affecting their job performance in the workforce. In contrast, given their interests and talents, they will do well in subjects such as journalism and English literature. In this respect, it is not doable to encourage all students to choose majors that will prepare them for lucrative careers. A more desirable approach would be taking students’ interests and talents into account.
你的主题句里提到skills 到后面就没有了  只有interest和talent  
总的来说写得还比较流畅  


Furthermore, students may not end up with decent-paying jobs even if they choose relevant fields of study. This is due to a much more competitive job market. Once there is an increasingly number of students who study the same subjects, the job market will change accordingly. Its hiring process, particularly, will be much more competitive since there are more people applying for the same positions. Due to the high volume of applications, many graduates may face with being unemployed for certain periods of time. This could also lead to a shortage of applicants in some industries such as mass media, which in turn could put the society at risk of falling into chaos.

你到后面讲到的是一个人才供应不平衡的问题 这个point很好 但是偏离了你的主题句的内容  


Finally, by encourage students to pursue areas of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers, school officials would be charged with moral issues regarding the nature of these educational institutions. Regardless of the classification of educational institutions, they have always carried the mission of spreading common knowledge and expand students’ horizons. While encouraging people to focus merely on lucrative areas may benefit the school in some ways, it also questions the fundamental nature and principle of educational institutions. Such a situation would bring harm to the long-term development of any institutions. Hence, for the sake of its own interests, these institutions should not narrow itself in encouraging students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.


by encouraging ...
  charged with moral issues搭配问题
这段没有明确回应题目关于challenge的要求


总的来说写得不错



Overall, I do not agree with the statement that students should be encouraged to pursue areas of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers. Instead I think the educational institutions should play an important role in guiding students to take a variety of interests and develop their own interests.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ally1213 发表于 2015-7-12 14:03
ISSUE 15

先列提纲后计时写

写得不错

ally1213UID: 2948121

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-12 17:46
写得不错

谢谢王老师的点评！challenge的点我一时半会儿想不出来。。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ally1213 发表于 2015-7-12 19:01
谢谢王老师的点评！challenge的点我一时半会儿想不出来。。

challenge是必须写的 这类题型在题库中占一定的比例 需要想好怎么写再动笔

ally1213UID: 2948121

7月14日
Argument 32

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

-------------------------------------------------

In the memo, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing points out that the increase in on-the-job accidents is due to the longer work shifts that the employees have. Thus h/she recommends shortening the work shifts to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents. While such a suggestion sounds reasonable, it is rather inconclusive and ill-informed. To make a sound argument, the following assumptions should be reevaluated, including the causes of the accidents and the link between work hours and amounts of sleep.

vice president of Quiot Manufacturing points out that- 题目并没有这么说啊  
同意转换要忠实原文  
While such a suggestion sounds reasonable, it is rather inconclusive and ill-informed.  不符合题目的要求
汗 你居然没有抄题目的写作指引
assumption - including .... 搭配 后面这些不是假设
你只能说assumption about ...


First, it is assumed that the causes of on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. While this sounds plausible, there are other explanations that could account for the increase in the accidents at Quiot. For example, employees may be involved with intensive work at Quiot, thus being more likely to run into accidents. It could also be due to the fact that more employees are spending a long time commuting by car. Compared to those live nearby, a long commute increases the likelihood of car accidents on the road.

为什么intensive work 就更有可能发生意外
你居然扯到car accident上去了  题目白纸黑字写着 on-the-job accidents



Furthermore, the argument assumes that by shortening work shifts, employees will get adequate amounts of sleep. This is not necessarily true because of other factors such as lifestyles of employees at Quiot. In reality, it is likely that people take the time off to watch tv shows and hang out with friends overnight. Therefore, even if reducing the work shifts, in theory, can help employees get extra sleep, they may end up with doing something else and stay up late. Failing to take this factor into consideration, the recommendation above would not help employees to sleep more even if it reduces the work shifts.

because of other factors such as lifestyles of employees at Quiot 这里用从句好些 注意hedging
it is likely that 只能说有这种可能  
the recommendation above would not help employees to sleep more even if it reduces the work shifts. 不要否定题目的结论


Finally, it is assumed that the adequate amounts of sleep help reduce the numbers of on-the-job accidents. Even if the recommendation helps employees get more sleep, it does not lead to the reduction in the numbers of accidents as there are other factors playing in this game. For example, employees at Quiot Manufacturing may lack necessary training in safety protocol and thus are more likely to be exposed to accidents. Or people have some kinds of stress from their personal lives, which contribute to the increase in the accidents. If the increase in the accidents is caused by factors such as lack of safety training, the recommended measures would not achieve its intended objectives.  


你这一段的主题句的内容和第一个中间段有重复
it is assumed that the causes of on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers
it is assumed that the adequate amounts of sleep help reduce the numbers of on-the-job accidents.

比较一下我的范文
To begin with, it is assumed that the shorter work shifts for workers are the main reason why Panoply had 30% fewer accidents.
The third assumption implicitly made is that helping the workers get enough sleep would necessarily reduce the number of accidents.






The recommendation is reasonable in pointing out the correlation between the amounts of sleep and on-the-job accidents, but still it fails to take other factors into accounts. To make a more conclusive argument, the vice president will need to reexamine the causes of these accidents, and the link between sleep hours and accidents at Quiot.  

根据老师的思路半小时写完。

ally1213UID: 2948121

7月15日

ISSUE 13

记得抄题13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.






As the world becomes more competitive, what constitutes a relevant and good education is also changing. While students taking courses within their major fields of study may have previously been sufficient for success on the job market, today there is an increasingly need for those who have broadened their horizons by taking a variety of courses. In that aspect, I agree that university need require its students to take a variety of courses outside their fields of study. By doing so, students will not only understand their majors better, but also become responsible citizens once they enter the society.

students- sufficient搭配 把students挪到后面应该ok
increasing
In that aspect,- Therefore
主旨句里没有回应challenge  



First, studying a variety of courses will expand students’ knowledge and thus help understand their majors better by introducing different approaches to a particular subject. For example, it will be beneficial for political science students to take classes such as math. Taking math classes will develop students’ quantitative skills, which are of significance in graduate level studies and further research projects. Similarly, for science students, they will learn about the frameworks of scientific thoughts by taking such classes as philosophy of science. These examples clearly demonstrate that taking a variety of classes will help students develop a holistic view and complement their education.

such as math - in math
of importance
in graduate level studies and further research projects 本科生未必会读研做研究啊
develop a holistic view (of what) and complement their education. complement的主语是什么  
  

Furthermore, by studying courses in a variety of fields, students will become responsible citizens capable of solving difficult problems and making informed decisions. This is especially true given that the world has become more complicated. An economist who has working familiarity with human evolutionary theories will be able to explain human behaviors in a variety of contexts. A political scientist who study social psychology, again, will help develop theoretical frameworks in understanding the policy making process. These well-rounded people will address difficult problems by using an interdisciplinary approach and make the society a better place.

你的主题句里讲的是学生 但是例子的主语却变成了 An economist  A political scientist 这说明例子不合适啊

  
Some, however, may argue that studying a variety of courses take up time and energy. So it is wise for students to focus only on courses that help them prepare for lucrative careers. Part of this argument is right as it emphasizes the time that students need while taking a variety of courses, but it fails to recognize that these additional efforts would make students competent candidates in today’s competitive job market. Indeed, HR is not only looking for applicants with a strong academic record (i.e. high GPA in their fields of study), but also those who have developed skills in different areas of study, such as writing and communication skills. Therefore, rather than spending time on irrelevant subjects, students will be better prepared for future career development by taking a variety of courses outside their fields of study.

takes
哈 我觉得这段写得很赞啊 很连贯  


Overall, I think taking a variety of courses is helpful for students to understand their majors better and address different problems in the society. While it is true that studying these courses require additional time and energy, they will all pay off when students apply for jobs.  


------------------------------

中间有点事断了思路，蛮算算半小时多一点。

TO DO
1. 研读范文+老师帖子+总结提纲 - DONE
2. 修改ARGU 32 - DONE
3. 7/16 作文

ally1213UID: 2948121

ARGUMENT 32 修改+总结

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

------------------------------------------
之前写得不是太好，原因如下：
1. 题目没申清楚，on-the-job accidents中间段给写成了car accidents
2. ARGU不应该直接否定原文的结论，而是要提出各种不同的可能性，并就这些可能性有怎么样的implications (如：would not achieve its desired effects）。这个经常在中间段的最后一句话，不要只是举完例子就没了。
3. ARGU的同意转换，不能自己瞎编。比如experts say that..变成了vp points out..
4. The Feature of Hedging (转自网上）

Hedging

It is often believed that academic writing, particularly scientific writing, is factual, simply to convey facts and information. However it is now recognised that an important feature of academic writing is the concept of cautious language, often called "hedging" or "vague language". In other words, it is necessary to make decisions about your stance on a particular subject, or the strength of the claims you are making. Different subjects prefer to do this in different ways.

Language used in hedging:

1. Introductory verbs: e.g. seem, tend, look like, appear to be, think, believe, doubt, be sure, indicate, suggest
2. Certain lexical verbs: e.g. believe, assume, suggest
3. Certain modal verbs: e.g. will, must, would, may, might, could
4. Adverbs of frequency: e.g. often, sometimes, usually
5. Modal adverbs: e.g. certainly, definitely, clearly, probably, possibly, perhaps, conceivably,
6. Modal adjectives: e.g. certain, definite, clear, probable, possible
7. Modal nouns: e.g. assumption, possibility, probability
8.That clauses: e.g. It could be the case that .
e.g. It might be suggested that .
e.g. There is every hope that .
9. To-clause + adjective: e.g. It may be possible to obtain .
e.g. It is important to develop .
e.g. It is useful to study .

------------------------
仔细研读了老师的示范贴。就问题比较大的地方进行了修改，其余基本不变。特别注意体会了hedging的特点，以及ARGU开头段怎么与写作题目要求更贴合。

In the memo, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing suggests shortening the work shifts to allow employees to get adequate amounts of sleep, which ultimately help reduce on-the-job accidents and increase productivity. （第一句同意转换）A number of assumptions about the causes of the accidents and the link between work hours and amounts of sleep should be reevaluated to get a conclusive argument.

First, it is assumed that the causes of on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. This assumption has to be carefully examined as there may be other explanations that could account for the increase in the accidents at Quiot. For example, there could be fewer employees in Panoply than in Quiot. Or the work conditions in Quiot are unsafe, thus being more likely to run into accidents. （例子参考王老师范文）If these are the main reasons contributing to the increase in the numbers of accidents, the recommendation above – reducing work shifts – would not help address the problem.（最后一句总结贴题）

Furthermore, the statement assumes that by shortening work shifts, employees will get adequate amounts of sleep. This is not necessarily true because there may be other factors that affect the amounts of sleep of employees. It is likely that people just take the time off to watch tv shows and hang out with friends overnight. Therefore, even if reducing the work shifts, in theory, can help employees get extra sleep, they may end up with doing something else and stay up late. Failing to take this factor into consideration, the recommendation would not achieve its intended objectives.

Finally, it is assumed that getting adequate amounts of sleep would help reduce the numbers of on-the-job accidents. Even if the recommendation helps employees get more sleep, it does not lead to the reduction in the numbers of accidents as there are other factors playing in this game. For example, employees at Quiot Manufacturing may lack necessary training in safety protocol and thus are more likely to be exposed to accidents. Or people have some kinds of stress from their personal lives, which contribute to the increase in the accidents. If the increase in the accidents is caused by factors such as lack of safety training, the recommended measures would not help reduce the number of on-the-job accidents.

The recommendation is reasonable in pointing out the correlation between the amounts of sleep and on-the-job accidents, but still it fails to take other factors into accounts. To make a more conclusive argument, the vice president will need to reexamine the causes of these accidents, and the link between sleep hours and accidents at Quiot.  

ally1213UID: 2948121

7月16日 范文模仿

ARGUMENT 85
85) In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said that they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

----------------------------

The University of Waymarsh conducted two studies regarding the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens. The inconsistency of the results of these two studies leads to a conclusion that respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits. To make a sound argument, I think we will need more information regarding the records of public libraries, the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens and the first survey design. 　　一开始的总结写得不错
to make a sounf argument- to evaluate the soundness of the argument 体会下区别

First, we will need to know the collection records of public libraries in Waymarsh. It is likely that there are far more mystery novels than literary classics in these libraries. Due to these disproportionate numbers of books, it would be no surprising that people check out mystery novels more often than literacy classics, thereby affecting the survey results. In addition to the frequency of books being checked out, we will need to know what types of books people prefer to read in the library. For example, people may prefer to read literacy classics in the reading room at the library as opposed to checking them out because of the size of the books. All these would be helpful in evaluating the argument above.

It is likely that － perhaps/maybe



Further, examining the type of book most frequently checked out of the public libraries is not sufficient to draw a conclusive argument. This is mainly because of the availability of online books for purchase and download. Nowadays, studies have shown that people are less likely to read printed books as usual because of the convenience of Internet. In this case, people who prefer literacy classics may read online versions through electronic versions such as Kindle, instead of going to the library in person. Within this context, it would be necessary to examine other ways of reading books in order to know more about the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens.
写得挺好


Finally, we will need to know details about the first survey design. For example, questions such as sample size and statistical significance should be addressed. If the first study does not include a large sample and people of different ages and backgrounds, the result may be invalid and useless since it does not represent the reading habits of overall populations in Waymarsh. Moreover, we will need to know the specific questions asked in the survey: does it include all types of books and how was the survey questions ordered? By having a more comprehensive analysis of the first survey design, we will confirm the validity and accuracy of the study.  

issues such as ...
confirm- verify


Overall, I have argued that the results of these studies are not sufficient to draw a valid argument. We need more evidence and information about the library record, reading habits of Waymarsh citizens, and the first survey design.


用时：27mins

ally1213UID: 2948121

ARGUMENT 87

写完之后才发现85与87的区别。我觉得assumption题目比evidence难写得多，因为要会总结要提及implication什么的。我根据上面那篇重写也花了不少时间，以后有机会想多练练这块。和85不同的地方有加粗

87) In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said that they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

你是不是马上要考了
抽时间把这个星期的句子修改一下
issue看下高频题的范文
你加了我微信没 ID: tesolchina


---------------------------------------------------

The University of Waymarsh conducted two studies regarding the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens. The inconsistency of the results of these two studies leads to a conclusion that respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits. A number of assumptions regarding the records of public libraries, the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens and the survey design have been made in these two studies.

in these two studies.-  in the argument

First, it is assumed that people would check out books based on their reading references. While this sounds reasonable, a number of factors could affect what types of books being checked out in the library. For example, it is likely that there are far more mystery novels than literary classics in these libraries. Due to these disproportionate numbers of books, it would be no surprising that people check out mystery novels more often than literacy classics, thereby affecting the survey results. The sizes of the books may also be an important factor. For literary classics, it could be larger and heavier than any kinds of books including mystery novels. For that reason, people will be more likely to read literary classics in the library, as opposed to carrying them home, resulting in the less likelihood to be checked out. Without considering the confounding variables such as the availability and size of the books, the argument above does not explain fully the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens.

it is assumed that the borrowing records can accurately reflect people's preferences for the books 我感觉这样概括会不会更好些
it is likely that－ perhaps  
贯穿整个论述的线索应该是探索其他可能性 你这个中间段略嫌冗长

Another assumption made in this study is that public libraries are the only source for obtaining books. As the Internet becomes more convenient and affordable, there are substantial numbers of people who prefer online reading due to the availability of free online books. In this case, people who prefer literacy classics may read online versions through electronic versions such as Kindle, instead of going to the library in person. Within this context, the relatively small numbers of people who check out literacy classics in the library should be understood as a shift in people’s reading styles, rather than the their preferences about reading materials.

除了网上阅读 买书也是一种可能


Finally, the argument assumes that the results of these two surveys are valid and consistent. However, questions about sample size and statistical significance remain unaddressed. It is possible that the first study does not include a large sample and people of different ages and backgrounds, thus failing to represent the overall population in Waymarsh. Or the questions in the survey are not properly worded, which ultimately lead to the inconsistency in the two studies. If survey design and methodology are main reasons for the inconsistent survey results, then the argument about the misrepresentation of first survey is inconclusive.

应该只涉及一个survey  
图书馆的借阅记录没问题
你还是审题不够仔细啊
argument - inconclusive  搭配

Overall, I have argued that the results of these studies are not sufficient to draw a valid argument. We need to examine the assumptions about the library record, reading habits of Waymarsh citizens, and the survey design.

ally1213UID: 2948121

7月21日 ISSUE 78
这两天生病了。。前几天的后面有空会慢慢补上。今天这篇边写边想的。。感觉写了好久Orz 嗯超过半小时了

你好像要考了吧  加油 保重身体


78) People's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

The society as a whole has greatly shaped how people think and behave through different means. Likewise, the immediate situation or surroundings can contribute to the formation of people's attitudes. While I believe that surroundings – such as the actions of parents and teachers -- may have an important role in people's childhood, their attitudes are determined more by the society through mechanism such as mass media and the impacts of role models.

你的主旨句里有一个让步 让人感到困惑   到了中间第三段的时候你说parents and teachers也很重要 但是这样一来你对于社会还是周围环境哪个更重要这个问题就没有了清晰的立场了 这个是主旨句立论的大忌

First, it is important to recognize that our attitudes are greatly shaped by society via the mass media. Nowadays, with the development of Internet and technology, an increasingly vast number of people are on social media such as Facebook and Twitter, which serve as an important source for news and events. Given their widespread use and accessibility to a wide variety of information, these media platforms have a huge social impact on how people think and behave, as people tend to form their attitudes based on the information given on social media. In this context, instead of immediate surroundings, people’s attitudes are largely shaped by the society as a whole through social media.

你这里的论述并没有解释社交网络如何影响人们的态度 最关键的问题是针对什么的态度  由于你没有指明这一点 你整段的论述就显得比较空洞了  
而且你最后一句已经否定了周围环境的影响 那么到中间第三段不就又打脸了么  

Furthermore, the behaviors of idols in the society can deeply shape people's attitudes due to their willingness to imitate the thoughts and behaviors of these models. Along with the development of technology, there are an increasing number of role models who appear on the commercials advocating for certain products or ideas in order to reach out to a wider audience. The impact of these commercials can be huge since people tend to imitate the behaviors of their role models. Indeed, people will be willing to purchase the products in the name of their idols, thereby changing their attitudes toward the company brands or products. In addition to mass media, the actions of models or idols can have a direct impact on people's attitudes.

model是指idol么 还是用role model？
idol这里是不是用celebrity好些
  in the name of their idols不懂
可以学一下spokesman和endorsement这两个词




While the society has shaped people’s attitudes through different means, equally important is the immediate surroundings, such as the actions of parents and teachers. This is especially the case during the childhood, a time when people’s cognitive abilities are not fully developed. In the fields of politics, for example, people tend to share the same political affiliations with their parents. Or they align more closely with their teachers on a particular subject. The influence of these people (i.e. parents and teachers), however, is often limited and less powerful than the society as a whole. Once people become more independent and enter the society, they would change their attitudes accordingly,

前面已说了 这一段造成和前面观点的矛盾 是不太合适的  

Overall, I have argued that people’s attitudes are largely shaped by the society through social media and the role models. I also recognize the importance of immediate surroundings – such as the actions of parents and teachers-- but their influence is primarily concentrated during one’s childhood and rather limited.