Stfishd的潜水钟—2015AW写作训练帖

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

8月5日开始参加训练

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：Stfish的潜水钟 的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

六级573（2013） 托福作文25（2013）

GRE考试时间：8月21日；

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Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

目录楼：

03楼  ISSUE12 （已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=1#pid1779780412
04楼  ARGUMENT7 （已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=1#pid1779780777
08楼  ARGUMENT91 （已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101
09楼  ARGUMENT135 （已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101
10楼 ARGUMENT55 （未批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101
11楼 ISSUE15 （未批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101
12楼 ARGUMENT44（未批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101
13楼 ARRGUMENT166（未批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3644101

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Issue 12
Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


There is no doubt that free university education would benefit numerous students to accept advanced education. In my opinion, the policy is viable to improve the level of education to the nation’s civilians and produce a relatively equitable distribution of social resources. However, it can produce problems when execute the policy without assessing whether the government can afford the policy.
benefit - enable 选词
这一个however使得前后观点矛盾啊
建议你学习一下1+3模型
when execute the policy严重语法错误

First, if the government could provide free university education to students difficult to afford it, the nation would have more students to attend universities and colleges, connoting that the average level of education in the nation would be improved steadily. For instances, when I was young I lived with my grandparents in a remote village in China. Because of poverty, ten of my classmates in primary school have to drop out for lacking money to pay for tuitions. They even didn’t have chance to attend high schools. If government has funds to help them continue they studies, the number of the unlettered in China would decrease rapidly. Furthermore, these students, who have the ability to be admitted by university, must be intelligent to produce more worth to requite to society after they graduate from universities.

to students difficult to afford it严重语法问题
connoting that 没见过这么用
这个例子偏题了


In addition, giving chances to the poor to attend in universities other than letting them be limited by financial problems is an effective way to make distribution in the society more equitable. It’s easy to speculate that a student in a poor family unaffordable to universities fees would have to forgo the chance to accept advanced education. As a result, the student is possibly to be less competitive in finding a lucrative job, leading to more likely for his child to replicate his way again. It would cause fortune and resources of the society to be more and more concentrated in a small part of elites. In this aspect, government should provide free university education to students who can’t afford it, helping them to have the relatively equal chance to compete with other students born in rich families.

However, the government has to consider whether it has enough funding to meet the demands of these poor students. For development countries, the most significant issue is to ensure that every people can dress warm and eat one’s fill. They don’t have sufficient capability to afford overall poor students to advanced education. Otherwise, industries, agriculture, military and other fields of the country would lack money to sustain. But for developed countries, governments are wealthy enough to set funds to guarantee every students admitted by universities being able to pay for it. Therefore, before the government decides to help insolvent students to get free university education, it’s first to assess the economic condition of the government.

Above all, I advocate that it’s beneficial for government to provide free university education to students who has been admitted but who can’t afford it. Because it can improve the average level of education and promote a more equitable environment in the nation. Nonetheless, whether it’s viable still depends on the economic condition of the government.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument 7
The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

论点：We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store.

论据：1.Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers.

        2.Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten.

        3. better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café.


The argument advises Monarch Books to open a café for the reason that it can attract more customers to visit the bookstore and help the bookstore to compete with its rival Regal Books. However, I don’t think the writer have sufficiently answered overall questions that should be considered to substantiate his proposal. More questions about preference of customers, population structure in the areas and the details about Regal Books should be answered later.
advise的主语不对 应该是the author 或者 BoD
overall questions - all the  
later-删掉


[对应opening the café would attract more customers.]

First, the writer didn’t proof why he can claim that customers would be attracted by café. As the writer has stated, the bookstore is famous for its affluent range of books. If Monarch Books open the café by cutting down the amount of children’s books, some customers like children and parents would choose other bookstore and never come back again to Monarch Books any more. I don’t think annoying parts of its customers is a wise way for the owner of the store to expand its customers.


proof - 词性
整段没有提出问题啊  完全忘了题目要求了 汗  
而且不要经常用I  要客观一些  
感觉你应该先去看看我写这类题型的范文啊  



[对应children's book section, which will probably become less popular ]

In addition, even the writer show evidence that the percentage of children under ten years old has declined significantly, he is not able to clarify that customers among this age group would also decrease. For instance, if the population in the nation has increased rapidly especially above ten years old, the percentage of child would still decrease even if the number of child actually increase slightly. And with the development of education and people’s preference of reading books, more and more children would enrolled in customers of bookstores. As a result, the number of customers under ten might increase in the recent years. If Monarch Books really discount children’s books selection, it’s possible to lose plenty of customers.

[对应better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café.]

What’s more, the writer didn’t tell readers whether Regal Books can be compared with Monarch Books. On the one hand, we don’t know whether Regal Books had a success by opening a café in the bookstore. Even if Regal Books really success to appeal more customers, it can’t speculate Monarch Books can copy its success as well. Because these two book stores might have several different conditions. For instance, Regal Books is a bookstore aimed at customers among the white ties, who are likely to read books with a cup of coffee, but Monarch Books’ mostly populate among students who can’t afford to buy a cup of coffee every day. Therefore, it’s not suitable for Monarch Books to follow the step of Regal Books.
Above all, I don’t think the argument is valid enough. The writer has to answer more details to support his suggestion.

因为是限时练习的，最后结尾有些仓促，之后再来修改。

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

【学习心得】
ISSUE
一、六种题型的不同展开方法
1.提出成立和不成立的情况。
2.提出自己的立场（在哪两个情况下是成立的），并考虑如何反击compelling challenge
3.讨论不同情况下是否成立
4.讨论建议实施的后果
5.是否同意论断及原因
6.提出自己的观点并评估claim的两面性（什么情况成立，什么情况不成立）。
二、分情况讨论提出三个分论点
1.分类讨论是有效展开分论点的好方法，按人群，职业等不同情况分类。
2.注意要紧扣题目的关键词，在行文中不断呼应。
3.不是所有的题目都可以分类讨论。
三、文章结构1+3
1.开头：主旨句+p1+p2+p3
2.中间段：主题句+例子+解释例子+小结
3.结尾：总结主旨句

ARGUMENT
一、1+3模型
1.开头：梳理结论和论据+主旨句概括下文三个分论点
2.中间段： a 提出需要哪方面的证据，有哪些疑问，有什么假设。
                b 指出和上句相关的某种可能性
                c 具体举例展开讨论这种可能性
                d 指出如果这种可能性成立会有什么结论

---

自我反省

1.谨记：Be specific!
  a.分情况讨论的论点，举出的例子，都要具体。
  b.我总是习惯于中国作文的思维，比较宏观抽象，实际上会很空洞，自己也不好论述。
  c.习惯使用描述性的角度，而不是提炼升华的思路去写文章。

2.切忌前后矛盾，忘掉“正—反+合”的思路，采用“1+3模型”，分情况讨论。
  a. 可以分情况讨论，在什么情况下成立，在什么情况下不成立。
  b.可以提出两种成立的情况，以及一种不成立的情况（some people may argue that），再反驳实际上这也是成立的。
  c.可以同意理由反对论述，反对理由同意论述，或者都同意，或者都反对。
   ~~但是不要反驳/让步自己前面的观点。

3.遣词造句
   语言使用的习惯是我最大的问题，词汇使用不合适，句子有语病，句子让人看不懂……
   这个只能慢慢改了，目前尽量使用简单的词语和简单的句子表达自己的意思，将错误减到最低。
   不要那么拗口地讲话。。
   不要自己编短语，中式翻译。
   段内语句加强连贯性，一环扣一环，不要突然跳跃。

4.少用第一人称，in my opinion……等，GRE的作文应该尽量客观，可以用people代替I。

5.例子要适合主题句，不需要发散思维，更不要跑题。focus on

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Stfish的潜水钟 发表于 2015-8-5 17:36
Issue 12
Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted  ...

我只看了前两段 内容与语言的问题都很大  

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-5 22:18
我只看了前两段 内容与语言的问题都很大

谢谢老师的批改。限时练习的时候，我经常会想不到该用什么词和句子表达自己的意思，然后就硬塞了一个词上去，例子也是这样，造成我写作的速度很慢而且一着急就写得更混乱，简直是恶性循环。
我觉得也是因为写的少，读的也少，词句不丰富吧。
虽然离考试的时间已经很近了，但是接下来半个月我会坚持练习的，希望能有所提高。

但是我不太明白，我在开头however提出的那个观点，是想讨论policy造成的负面结果，其实我想表达的是：这个政策会带来第二段和第三段两个好的结果，但是如果在执行过程中没有考虑自己的实际情况的话，就会造成不好的结果。
请问这样的思路可以吗？我想知道是我没有表达清楚的问题，还是这样的思路本身就有问题。

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument91
3 years ago, because of flooding at the Western Palean Wildlife Preserve, 100 lions and 100 western gazelles were moved to the East Palean Preserve, an area that is home to most of the same species that are found in the western preserve, though in larger numbers, and to the eastern gazelle, a close relative of the western gazelle. The only difference in climate is that the eastern preserve typically has slightly less rainfall. Unfortunately, after 3 years in the eastern preserve, the imported western gazelle population has been virtually eliminated. Since the slight reduction in rainfall cannot be the cause of the virtual elimination of western gazelle, their disappearance must have been caused by the larger number of predators in the eastern preserve.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

结论：their disappearance must have been caused by the larger number of predators in the eastern preserve.

论据：1. East Palean Preserve, an area that is home to most of the same species that are found in the western preserve, though in larger numbers, and to the eastern gazelle, a close relative of the western gazelle.

        2. The only difference in climate is that the eastern preserve typically has slightly less rainfall. Since the slight reduction in rainfall cannot be the cause of the virtual elimination of western gazelle.


The author argued that the elimination of western gazelle must have been caused by lager number of predators in the eastern because the eastern preserve has similar species as the western preserve and the only difference in climate between these two preserves is the amount of rainfall. To evaluate the argument, more information about the influence of rainfall in climate, the structure of creatures in eastern preserve and habitats’ conditions of eastern gazelle need to be exploited.

exploited - collected
structure of creatures不懂你的意思  


First, the author had better make more researches about the effects of distinctive rainfalls on climates and environments. As we know, one false step will make a big difference. Although the distinction in rainfall between the two preserves is puny, it can also make prodigious variances in environment, like nutrition of plants and features of soils. Considering less rainfall in the eastern preserve, it’s reasonable to surmise that plants in the eastern preserve are lack of enough nutrition for western gazelle, which leading the death of western gazelle. Thus, it’s not valid, as the author speculated, to say that slight difference in rainfall wouldn't produce lethal harmful to western gazelle.

one false step不懂
distinction- puny？
which leading 句子结构
it’s not valid注意hedging


In addition, more messages about creatures’ structures in the eastern preserve are significant in the evaluation. Because even the number of predators is lager in the eastern preserve, it's also possible to have more eastern gazelle than the western gazelle as their prey. Otherwise, these predators would not have enough food before western gazelle moved here. In this way, the larger number of predators isn't virtual reason to cause the elimination of western gazelle. Because by feeding on the eastern gazelle originally, these predators already have enough food.

more messages about creatures’ structures in the eastern preserve are significant 整句修改  选词与表达
because后面整句都是原因 句子结构
otherwise 前后 看不懂你的逻辑


What's more, it's necessary to find out the habitats’ conditions of eastern gazelle to assess the argument. In my opinion, it's possible that there are limited habitats for gazelle. If it’s true, the limited habitats must have been occupied by eastern gazelle which were more familiar to the land. As a result, these imported western gazelle wouldn't have sufficient habitats to live and feed. No wonder they died totally after three years. In this case, it’s the competition other than predators that killed all western gazelle.

In my opinion,不要出现这种表达
limited habitats 不懂你的意思 (limited space)  
competition for space  


这篇有点难写 涉及很多生词表达  


Above all, I think more information about the effects of rainfall on environment, creatures’ structure in the eastern preserve and the conditions of eastern gazelle’s habits have to be provided by the author to make the argument more compelling.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument 135
The data from a survey of high school math and science teachers show that in the district of Sanlee many of these teachers reported assigning daily homework, whereas in the district of Marlee, most science and math teachers reported assigning homework no more than two or three days per week. Despite receiving less frequent homework assignments, Marlee students earn better grades overall and are less likely to be required to repeat a year of school than are students in Sanlee. These results call into question the usefulness of frequent homework assignments. Most likely the Marlee students have more time to concentrate on individual assignments than do the Sanlee students who have homework every day. Therefore teachers in our high schools should assign homework no more than twice a week.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

结论：These results call into question the usefulness of frequent homework assignments.
        Therefore teachers in our high schools should assign homework no more than twice a week.

论据：1. Sanlee ：assigning daily homework,
            Marlee：assigning homework no more than two or three days per week.
        2. Despite receiving less frequent homework assignments, Marlee students earn better grades overall and are less likely to be required to repeat a year of school than are students in Sanlee.
        3. Most likely the Marlee students have more time to concentrate on individual assignments than do the Sanlee students who have homework every day.


Comparing different amounts of homework for students in Sanlee and Marlee and different performances of students in their tests, the author advocates that it's useless to assign homework to students every day. To evaluate the argument, more evidences about study abilities of students, tests requirements and degree of difficulty in homework of these two schools need to be provide.

advocates  选词

First, the author has to investigate differences between students' average study ability in Sanlee and Marlee to support this argument. There is no doubt that some students have the ability to study by themselves, while other students have to be forced by their teachers to study. It's possible that if teachers in Sanlee assign homework three or twice a week, students there would have lower grades and even more students would be required to repeat a year of school. So the author should tell readers the study ability of students in his school to decide whether the school could follow Marlee to assign homework twice a week.


It's possible that和前面那句之间一点关联都没有啊  句子连贯  


In addition, information about test requirements in the two schools needs to be demonstrated. Grades could not be used to adjudicate study level of students without comparing their tests requirements. If Sanlee has more strict requirements in tests than Marlee, although students in Sanlee might study better than students in Marlee, it's possible for them to get lower grades. So, the author could not claim that homework is useless based on different grades of students in these two schools. Maybe students in Sanlee command knowledge better than students in Marlee via doing homework every day.

study level不懂
没有回应repeat grade的问题  


What'r more, it's necessary to find out the degree of homework difficulty for these two schools to evaluate the author's suggestion. The more difficult homework is, the more time students need to finish it. If Marlee teachers assigned very difficult homework for their students and let them to have three or two days to finish it, while Sanlee teachers assigned some basic homework for students to practise every day.it's reasonable for students in Marlee to have better performance in tests than students in Sanlee. So, if the author advise teachers in his school to assign homework twice a week, he should also point out what degree of difficulty the homework should have.

it's reasonable for前后连贯  
difficulty只是一方面 还有作业量 有没有反馈等等 这些都要和题目的结论关联起来才行  

你的文章段落内句子之间的衔接和连贯要加强


Above all, more messages about the study ability of students, test's requirements and difficulty of homework are need to make the argument more compelling.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument 55
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people ten to twenty-five years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

结论：Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, this sales trend is about to be reversed.
        the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.

论点：1. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games

        2. with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people ten to twenty-five years old, the age-group most likely to play video games.


The author makes a prediction the sales of Whirlwind video games would rise in recent months according to a survey to video-games players and a strong advertising campaign to target consumers. To evaluate the prediction, several assumptions the prediction based on need to be examined.

First, the author assumes that customers are capable of affording most up-to-date computers required by their games. As the author stated in the argument, players prefer video games with lifelike graphics, which have strict requirements to the quality of computers. However, it's possible that most players cannot afford this kind of computers, or they might be not willing to pay for computers with most up-to-date qualities. Thus, even if they like Whirlwind video games, most video game players would not buy them. As a result, the increasing sales of the video games would not come true.

In addition, it's implicated in the argument that whether having lifelike graphics is the most significant factor for consumers when considering buying a new a video game. But the author does not provide evidence to prove it. As we know, other factors of video games, like story-lines, characters’ images and prices, also have important influence on customers’ choices. If Whirlwind video games have poor story-lines and ugly characters images, it's reasonable to deem that players would buy these games even with lifelike graphics. So the prediction would not be valid without specific evidence about to what extend the feature of lifelike graphics would have influence on customers' choices.

Furthermore, the author assumes that the advertising campaign would have good effects on improving the sales of video games. But there is no proof about whether the target consumers would like their advertisements. In fact, perhaps their advertising campaign would fail to attract customers. Because their advertising targets are people whose years range from ten to twenty-five. It’s obvious that people at the age of twenty five would have different preference with people at ten. If their advertisements were popular on people at ten, it’s possible that people at twenty five would not be appealed by the advertisement. It’s difficult to subsume people’s preference with such an expansive range. So it's reasonable to skeptic the effects of the advertising campaign.

Above all, the author has a number of assumptions to make the prediction. But to evaluate the prediction, several questions, like financial abilities of their customers, influence of other factors when buying video games and the effects of their advertising campaign, need to be answer.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Issue 15
Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

It's responsible for educational institution to help students find a suitable career. For students lacking money, it's necessary for educational institution to advise them to find a lucrative job. For students being fond of profitable fields, educational institution encouraging them to achieve their dreams is more suitable.

To begin with, some students born in poor families have pressure to support their families after graduation. Considering their pressures, it's quixotic to encourage them to pursue their dreams if they like fields which are hard to make money. For instance, if a student is in debt for his university education and he likes history very much, educational institution should encourage him to find a lucrative job to earn more money rather than continue studying in history. Because it can help the student to live an easier life and he can enjoy his hobby in history at any time. In this case, it's necessary for educational institution to persuade the students to find a lucrative job even forgo their dreams.

In addition, some students have already devoted into fields that is profitable, like computer science and new energy. It's reasonable for educational institution to encourage them to persist on their careers. Because the student can pursue him dream as well as earn a lot of money to sustain his life. In this case, I cannot agree more with the statement.

Some people may argue that there are some wealthy students who do not worry about their salaries and would like to commit into areas they like without counting payments. For this kind of students, it's not necessary for educational institution to encourage them to prepare for lucrative careers. Because they have enough fortunes to sustain their lives. For example, some students born in rich families have hobbies on working for none government organization. This kind of job cannot make much money but they do not care about it. For this kind of students, educational institutions could not persuade them to prepare for lucrative jobs and help them to pursue their dreams because even they are not able to make a lot of money, they can still dress warm and feed well.

Above all, for different kinds of students, educational institution should have different strategy to guide their careers. For students lacking money and students liking lucrative fields, educational institution should encourage them to find a profitable job, but for students have enough money already, it's not necessary to persuade them to forgo their dreams and get profitable jobs.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument 44
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a journal on environmental issues.

Over the past year, the Crust Copper Company (CCC) has purchased over 10,000 square miles of land in the tropical nation of West Fredonia.
Mining copper on this land will inevitably result in pollution and, since West Fredonia is the home of several endangered animal species, in environmental disaster.
But such disasters can be prevented if consumers simply refuse to purchase products that are made with CCC's copper unless the company abandons its mining plans.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

The author suggests that CCC purchased the land would cause disasters to environment and advises customers to refuse to buy products made by copper from CCC. To evaluate the argument, several assumptions the author has need to be assessed, like the purpose of the company buying the land, the ability of the company solving pollution problems and to what extent customers could refuse its products.

First, the author assumes that CCC brought the land for the purpose of mining copper. But the author did not provide evidence to prove it. In fact, a company buying a land could have several purposes. For the land in the tropical nation with several endangered animal species is suitable to develop a natural park, it’s possible to speculate that CCC just purchased the land to build a natural park. Maybe the company wants to turn to expand its career to a new field. As we know, tourism is profitable today. If it's true, the land would be protected well. Thus, it's not reasonable to deem that the land is certain to be destroyed.

In addition, the author assumes that CCC is not capable of solve pollution caused by copper mining. As we know, at present there are several effective technologies that could solve pollution problems like filtering water and purifying air. With the help of advanced techniques, it's possible for CCC to prevent from breaking balance of the environment in the land. Furthermore, with the development of the company in the land, the land might improve its economic conditions and even would have more money to protect its environment.

What's more, the author also assumes that it's easy for customers to refuse products of CCC. Actually, it's difficult for customers to find out which products are made with CCC's copper. Because the company may collaborate with plenty of manufacturer firms and products in markets would not be signed with their sources. And if customers refuse products made by CCC’s copper, it might cause large problem on economy and markets. Furthermore, if the company mainly sell their copper to international markets, it's impossible to prevent customers from other countries to buy them. So whether the suggestion is valid need to be assessed.

Above all, the author has several inaccurate assumptions, like the purpose of the company buying the land, the ability of the company solving pollution problems, and the capability of customers to refuse products from CCC’s copper.

Stfish的潜水钟UID: 3644101

Argument 166
The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. This shows that eating a substantial amount of fish can clearly prevent colds. Furthermore, since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, attendance levels will improve. Therefore, we recommend the daily use of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

The author suggested in the argument that daily use of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil could improve attendance level and help people prevent colds. To evaluate the argument, several questions about the reason that people in East Meria rarely catch cold, attendance level in East Meria and elements of fish that help people to prevent colds need to be assessed.
the reason why
question -assess 搭配


To begin with, the author should make further investigation about the reason that people in East Meria rarely get colds. As we know, there are several factors that have effects on people's health, like diets and practices. It's possible that people in East Meria generally have health diets containing vegetables and dairy products, and they like doing exercises every day to keep in fit.  So they have healthy lifestyles that prevent them from catching colds. Thus, if the West Meria follow the author's advice to recommend only the nutritional supplement rather than healthy lifestyles, it's useless to effectively help people prevent colds.

people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds
和你说的people in East Meria rarely get colds是有本质区别的  你没有找到这两者的区别说明argument还没入门


In addition, more information about the attendance level in East Meria needs to be displayed in the argument. Because it's possible that East Meria also have significant absenteeism even people there only catch cold once or twice per year. They might have other reasons for absences like they break their legs or they are caught in traffic jams. In fact, if people did not want to attend in workplaces and schools, there are always some reasons they could find except getting colds. Therefore, even if the nutritional supplement could help people prevent colds, it still cannot improve the level of attendance.

主题句没有提出问题  
because不能引出独立的句子     
感觉你写全文之前还是好好看看我的提纲吧  


What's more, it needs to be find out what elements in the fish that could help people prevent colds. Because there are plenty of nutrition elements in a fish and different kinds of fish have different nutrition elements. So it's hard to abstractly summary that eating fish could prevent colds. The author should fathom what specific kind of fish and what elements of the fish those take effects. If the nutritional supplement derived from fish oil does not contain the specific element that have the effects on preventing colds, the recommendation would not have any effects on improve the level of attendance in West Meria and would not help people there catch colds less.


Above all, the author should make more research about the reason that people in East Merai hardly catch colds, the attendance level in East Meria and the elements in fish that help people prevent colds. Without answering these questions, the argument is not accurate enough.