Talagh 作文练习帖

TalaghUID: 3623477

7月27日开始参加2015年AW暑期同主题练习

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：Talagh 的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

四级535（2012） 六级581（2014） 托福作文22（2013）GRE（2014，2.5）

下次GRE考试时间：9月；

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TalaghUID: 3623477

目录楼~

03楼：前两段      ISSUE 100 （已批改）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1779717991

08楼：提纲+全文 ARGUE 100（已批改）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3623477

10楼：全文         ISSUE 105（已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3623477

12楼：全文         ARGUE  34（已批改） https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3623477

14楼：全文         ARGUE  62（未批改）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3623477

16楼：全文         ARGUE  165（未批改）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3623477

TalaghUID: 3623477

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

Frequent international interaction in economy, culture, and technology, resulted from globalization, led study aboard program to be considered as a valuable experience for students. Not only employees believe those students could handle sophiscated communication problems better as they did in foreign countries, but also graduate schools regard them as stronger candidates who are able to study in a global perspective. However, such experience might not be so curial that should be an indispensable requirement for graduation from university. Is it beneficial to every student to study abroad? Are universities able to send all students to a foreign school? Do employees need so many students who have studied in a foreign country? It is imprudent to for colleges and universities to decide study abroad program to be compulsive for all student without deliberating question above.

led study aboard program to be considered- 句子结构 Not only employees believe those students could handle sophiscated communication problems better as they did in foreign countries, but also graduate schools regard them as stronger candidates who are able to study in a global perspective.句子结构

study (what) in a global perspective (from)

Is it beneficial to every student (for)
你这个开头段太长了  
你考试只有30分钟 这个开头估计要花掉你10分钟 你后面肯定写不完
你的开头段最后没有主旨句 没有用1+3模型 建议你先学习一下1+3模型


To study in a different country might not benefit, but on the contrary, be harmful to students. For some students, foreign university cannot provide a better or even available resource for them to study. It is hard to imagine that an American student come to China to study Indian culture. Without the first-handed material of study and real master about the certain field, such study abroad is only a waste of time, from which no improvement in the field would be gained. Besides, it is nothing other than a disaster for students who are not fluent in any foreign language to live in unfamiliar countries. Troubles in life which distract them from study, coped with language problem in class which stop them from understand, will have negative effects to further study of these students that cause them unconfident about their ability to learn new things and adapt to new environment. All student should not be force to at least join a study abroad program.



To study in a different country might not benefit, but on the contrary, be harmful to students. 句子结构
主题句不合适 没有指明might not benefit的原因
It is hard to imagine that an American student come to China to study Indian culture.例子不靠谱 不合适

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

欢迎加入 请将楼层地址回复到这里 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1865072-1-1.html

TalaghUID: 3623477

第一次写Issue，感觉还是有点困难QAQ

现在好像大概有点模糊的感觉怎么样好提出论点了，以前都是天马行空式的想优点，什么“诚信可以让人际关系更融洽”啦，“诚信可以让大家利益都不受损”啦。不但难想，还很没逻辑的感觉。现在我都是从对象分类讨论，“诚信对个人很重要”，“诚信对企业很重要”，“诚信对国家很重要”啥的，感觉写出来漂亮很多。这篇文章也是打算这样展开的， 并且以后都打算这样展开。请问老师，这种方法合适吗？

但是展开讨论的话，还没有找到诀窍，每次都是一句话就把例子描述完了，也不知道怎么分析。就像这篇，一句话就说了“美国人到中国学印第安文化很荒谬”之后不知道怎么展开。求老师指导~

并且语言的话，也很纠结。因为我有点强迫症，写一个句子觉得不好就总是改，所以折腾半天一个小时只写了两段。每次第一反应总是sth. be 句型，要不就是It is， 感觉太单调，总是要花很多时间想怎么换成其他句式。老师有没有什么好方法避免这个问题？谢谢老师~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Talagh 发表于 2015-7-27 22:01
第一次写Issue，感觉还是有点困难QAQ

现在好像大概有点模糊的感觉怎么样好提出论点了，以前都是天马行空 ...

首先你要学习1+3模型
然后你要学习我的范文
不做这两件事就写全文找我修改完全是浪费时间

TalaghUID: 3623477

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-27 23:14
首先你要学习1+3模型
然后你要学习我的范文
不做这两件事就写全文找我修改完全是浪费时间

是按1+3来写的呀？难道我的理解不对吗？就是一个总论点用三个分论点来支持啊，只是我先正面说了一下优点，才开始列出三个分论点反驳之后说没有考虑上述三个问题很不明智，这样子不对吗？谢谢老师指导~

TalaghUID: 3623477

100) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

结论：
A jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable
      
论据：
1. Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe
(1) Over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer
(2) The highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight.
(3) A number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe.
2. The nearest jazz club is over an hour away
3. A recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment



The application argues that a great amount of money can be earned by setting up a jazz music club in Monroe. Several assumptions have been made about the popularity of jazz in Moroe, the inclination to go to a nearby jazz club and the lots of money that jazz fan in Moroe would like to pay for a jazz club. It is necessary to examine the assumptions carefully in order to assess the argument.  
the lots of money - the amount of money 选词




To begin with, the assumption that jazz is quiet popular in Moroe might be invalid. It is possible that the majority of people who participated in annual jazz festival in Moroe might come from other city which indicates local people might not (be) interested in the jazz festival. Besides, the possibility that only a few big fan of jazz rate the radio program and give it high scores discredit the popularity of jazz radio program. In addition, owning house in Monroe might merely because the price of house in cheap. Those jazz musicians may not even live in the city. Without further data to verify the popularity of jazz in Moroe, it is not reasonable to believe there are a large population of jazz fan in the city.  

the possibility that only a few big fan of jazz rate the radio program and give it high scores discredit the popularity of jazz radio program这个可能性不靠谱  
In addition, owning house in Monroe might merely because the price of house in cheap.句子结构




In addition, it is assumed that people prefer to go to the new club since the nearest jazz club (it) （is) over one hour away. However, not all people choose where to go according to the distance. The equipment, atmosphere, quality of shows and the service all always be considered as key elements for customers to decide where their favorite place is. Moreover, some people might prefer the familiar place than a new one, since they know everything and every people about there. A survey about local people's will to select a new jazz club can be helpful for evaluating the application.  

according to the distance- based on 选词


every people选词
about there选词


Finally, another assumption being made is that people in Moroe would like to pay a lot in the jazz club according to the study. Nevertheless, the study is based on nationwide sampling which means it might not be applicable in Moroe. Beyond that, even if jazz fan in Moroe are willing to pay to have fun, various types of jazz entertainment existed might distract them from attending a jazz club. If their abilities to spend money on jazz club is limited, two jazz club in a region might form a competition which is so strong that none of both two can be profitable.  

pay和spend的区别 选词
pay to have fun- pay to enjoy jazz


In conclusion, it is not rational to claim that a new jazz club in Moroe can earn lots of money basing on the application. More information is needed before we can check the assumptions discussed above and make a more prudent decision about the loan.  

TalaghUID: 3623477

第一次写argue，因为上次issue时对1+3模型理解不深刻，所以这次找了老师的一篇范文来对照写的，感觉对于怎么响应ETS的写作指导有了更深刻的理解。这种题目问的是assumption，所以老师每一段都有assumption或者assume，扣题很紧。 看来准备模版也应该对应的准备6种啊。
然后想问老师，像这种第一个论据有三个分论据的，是否有必要反驳每一个分论据呢？感觉有些实在编不出来，硬扯一个也挺降低整篇的水平的。

TalaghUID: 3623477

105) Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


I agree that in certain fields which think highly of creativity, such as art, imagination is of great significance. However, by being the base of any imagination, experience will not impede innovation for artists. Moreover, experience is as necessary as imagination for scientists to propose reasonable hypothesis. In addition, experience eclipses imagination in some fields like education when teachers need to give useful instruction.

certain fields which think 搭配  
by being the base of any imagination 这个表达一般用在有生命的主语上 选词搭配  






There is no doubt that experience are important fundament for painters, musicians and sculptors to create an art work that is distinctive. Firstly, without experience, they even cannot use their implements such as painting brush, instrument and craving knife. Experience of practice enable them to be artists who are defter than untrained people at artistic creation. Secondly, innovation in art is always developed according to the creator's experience in life. Even the revolutionary masterworks of Picasso merely presents three dimension objects he see in real word at a flat painting. Thus experience can be physical and mental base for creativity of artists.

fundament这个词我不熟 你确定可以这么用么
这两个点还挺有道理的



For scientists who need imagination to come up with a new hypothesis for a phenomenon, experience plays a crucial role in examining the reliability of the hypothesis. Comparing experience about similar phenomenon with new possibilities helps researchers to distinguish possible hypothesis from ridiculous ones. Besides, more experienced scientists can design more impeccable experiments to test the hypothesis. They understand better about what elements might change the result and what condition should be control to lend credence to the study.  Therefore, as this example adequately illustrates, cultural traditions in major cities are not the top priorities for government funding given all the alternative sources for funding and support.

the reliability of the hypothesis 搭配 假说不存在可靠不可靠   如果realistic有名词的话用在这里应该不错   
impeccable experiments 搭配

汗 你最后这句感觉串台了
cultural traditions in major cities are not the top priorities for government funding



It is experience that more indispensable than imagination when a teacher wants to edify students in a more efficient way. Teachers with lots of experience about teaching usually understand better about what is the key point and how can it be interpret more clearly. Besides, they are more familiar with the most probable confusion students night have, which ensures them can explain those question in advance to all the students rather than instruct every individuals students separately. The experience also make flexible use of various teaching methods possible, which lights students’ interest to learning. Therefore, experience can help improve teaching efficiency.

It is experience that more indispensable 句子结构
注意拼写 night
ensures them can 句子结构
explain those question搭配


这段主要在讲exp 似乎还需要提一下imagination





In conclusion, experience not only will not constrain the imagination of artists, but also not less vital than imagination for scientists and teachers. I cannot agree on both the claim and reason.

TalaghUID: 3623477

又重新学习了一下1+3模型，这次写对了么？求老师检验~
中间段落的展开还是很费劲，不太擅长把一件事详细的阐述出来，总是一两句话之后就再写不出来了。所以每个分论点下面都是用了两个例子每个例子两句话，尽管这样文章还是不太够长度

TalaghUID: 3623477

Argument 34) The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits. "
"Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted."

The vice president argues that installing software to monitor internet use of employs is beneficial to the company. Several assumptions have been made about less wasted time by employers, better work ethic at Climpson and potential contribution of this new policy to the profit of the company. In order to assess the argument, it is necessary to examine these assumptions.
beneficial to the company
made about less wasted time by employers搭配


To begin with, the assumption that employers will spend more time at work after the constraint of internet use in workstation carried out might not be valid. It is possible that workers in Climpson prefer to other activities, such as chatting to recreate than surfing the internet which indicates they can still spend time on entertainment when internet is not available to using for relax. In addition, even those employers do like surfing internet at work hour the best to relax, the possibility that employers can surfing the internet in other places besides the workstation discredit the statement that software installed in workstation will works. It is necessary to verify that employers only love to use internet at workstation before evaluating the recommendation.

prefer to other activities- prefer other activities   
chatting to recreate - recreate选词  
surfing the internet in other places (such as ...)
discredit the statement that software installed in workstation will works 这个句子这样写太复杂 而且和前面的内容并不连贯
employers only love to use internet at workstation 怎么看怎么别扭  选词  



Furthermore, it is assumed that banning recreation is helpful to build a better work ethic at Climpson. However, this assumption think surfing internet at work time is to be blame for terrible work ethic, while ignores the role of work enthusiasm in it. Imagining the probably response of employers to the new policy: when everyone feel the company of Climpson distrust them and their privacy are offended by the software, people might be reluctant to work, which actually reduce their work ethic. Without further survey about employers' attitude towards this recommendation, it is not reasonable to believe that the new policy can improver work ethic at Climpson.

banning recreation - recreational activities in ...  
this assumption think surfing internet at work time is to be blame - 选词搭配 assumption道成肉身了 汗  
privacy are offended- violated 选词
Imagining the probably response of employers- imagine/probable 词性  


Finally, another assumption being made is that profit of Climpson would increase by improving employers' efficiency. Nevertheless, the work of employers cannot decide the profit alone. If the demand of product of the company is far less than the number it can produce, the key points to improve the profit is to attract more customers, which means that improving efficiency is futile. What is more, the monitoring software might cost more than the money it helps to earn, reducing the profit actually. More information about running of Climpson Company is helpful to assess the recommendation.

你这个思路是不对的 如果 P = f (x,y,z) 现在要通过影响x来增加P 你不能说 这样不行 因为 y z 也影响P
因为提出影响x的时候 肯定是假设 y z 保持不变的 所以 y z 并不在考虑之列  
后面提到的软件成本是可以的



In conclusion, it is not rational to claim that efficiency of employer, work ethics and profit in Climpson can be improved by the software monitoring internet use in workplace. More information is needed before we can check the assumptions discussed above and make a more prudent evaluation to the recommendation.

TalaghUID: 3623477

这次的文章感觉很难找假设和可能的理由，花了很久才找出的三个论点。感觉段落展开还是不太擅长，下次多看看范文。

TalaghUID: 3623477

Argument 62)
The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

In this memo, the director argues that replacing liquid hand soaps currently used in the hospital with UltraClean can reduce serious patient infection. Several assumptions have been made about the important role bacteria in hand play in patient infection that the strong ability of UltraClean to kill bacteria causing infection, and the causation between reduction of infection and the use of UltraClean. Carefully examination to these assumptions is necessary to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, the assumption that bacteria in hands is the reason which cause patient infection need more evidence to confirm. Firstly, other pathogen in the hospital such as virus might be the cause of infection, which means preventing infection by killing bacteria is futile. Moreover, even if the infection is caused by bacteria, bacteria in air, water or other place might be the reason of it rather than those in hands, indicating liquid hand soap cannot play a crucial role in infection preventing. To evaluate the argument that UltraClean can help reducing patient infection, more evidences showing that bacteria in hand are of great importance to infection is necessary.  

In addition, even if bacteria in hand is the one to be blame for patient infection, another assumption that bacteria which cause patient infection will be killed more efficiently after using UltraClean rather than current liquid hand soap according to the laboratory report might not be valid. In the laboratory study, only the disinfecting ability of concentrated solution of UltraClean is tested, which does not exclude the possibility that when UltraClean is diluted for daily using, the ability of it to kill bacteria is not stronger than current liquid hand soap. Besides, it is possible that the bacteria killed by UltraClean are not the major reason of patient infection. The liquid hand soap which is used now might can kill more bacteria that related to such infection. More study about effect of UltraClean can help to assess the memo.

Finally, the assumption that patient infection is reduced in the hospital resulting from the replacement of liquid hand soap also need to be checked. Firstly, fewer cases of infection reported in the hospital using UltraClean than in other hospital is not equal to less infective rate in the hospital. The number of patients in the hospital might be so small that the ratio of patients who are infected is bigger even if the number of them is smaller. Even if the infective rate is lower, other reason, such as more reminders of washing hands in the hospital, can explain it. It is necessary to find what the key point is that reduces the cases of patient infection in the hospital in order to assess the assumption.  

In conclusion, it is not rational to claim that the new liquid hand soap, UltraClean, is useful to prevent patient infection merely basing on the memo. More information is needed before we can check the assumptions discussed above and make a more prudent decision about the recommendation.   

TalaghUID: 3623477

对于马上要考才开始练的我，一周四篇有点不够，于是写了之前的练习
23号的由于和专业相关，比较顺手，看见老师说自己的反驳不太给力，所以提供下我的思路~

论据：
1 实验发现UC洗手液浓缩液能杀死更多细菌
   假设：
        A.UC杀死更多致病菌（反驳: a.正常浓度不能杀那么多, b.杀的不是致病菌)
        B.杀死手上致病菌对控制感染有用( 反驳：a.可能病毒致病, b. 可能空气中细菌致病）
2 用了UC的医院报告更少感染病例
   假设：
        A.UC使医院感染率低 (反驳:a.可能人数少，感染率高, b.其他因素，如更多提醒洗手标语，降低）