lullaby717的作文练习贴

lullaby717UID: 3646766

本人为寄托ID3646766的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

我现在在英国一所大学学习 还没有考过GRE 考试时间为9.6.

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#2 Argument 166 （corrected）
#4 Argument 17
#5 Argument 18
#8 Issue 3 （corrected）

lullaby717UID: 3646766

166)The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. This shows that eating a substantial amount of fish can clearly prevent colds. Furthermore, since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, attendance levels will improve. Therefore, we recommend the daily use of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

The West Meria Public Health Council suggests that using a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil can reduce absenteeism by preventing colds. The author argues that high fish consumption in East Meria contributed to the low rate of hospital visits caused by colds and therefore, by preventing colds using a supplement extracted from fish oil, absenteeism can be abated in West Meria since it is the primary reason given for not showing up in school or work. However, there are a number of questions need to be considered before deciding the efficacy of the supplement recommended, namely, whether the low rate of hospital visits reflect better health condition; whether high fish consumption is the cause of the modicum of hospital visits; whether colds are the true reason of absenteeism; whether the supplement extracted from the fish oil will be as effective as the the fish itself.
分号用的不错
注意原题用的是visit doctor 你却全部改成了hospital  这让私家诊所医生情何以堪
there are a number of questions need to be 句子结构


First, we want to know whether the health condition of East Meria people is genuinely better than West Meria.The arguer claims that in East Meria people rarely visit hospitals because of colds. This does not necessarily mean that people are less likely to catch colds in East Meria. People may not visit hospitals because they can coalesce from colds without any treatment. If that is the case, the recommendation would not be warranted as the evidence upon which it is based dose not hold anymore.

这里其实重点关注的是cold  你换成health condition 有点偏题
这里需要多写一些其他可能性 比如自己买药吃  你可以看看我的提纲  


Even though it is true that people in East Meria are less likely to catch colds, it is not clear whether fish consumption is the sufficient and necessary explanation for it. It may turn out that, for example, people in East Meria have eat more balanced diet and exercise more often, which contribute to preventing colds not fish consumption. In this scenario, again, the argument would be weakened and the recommendation need to be reconsidered.

have eat动词用法


which contribute to preventing colds not fish consumption 句子结构




Moreover, one more question need to answered is the efficacy of the nutritional supplement extracted from fish oil. Even if the fish is effective at preventing colds there is no guarantee that the the derived product will be effective as well. If the supplement turns out have no effect then the recommendation would be futile.

turns out have no effect句子结构


Finally, the true reason for absenteeism remains dubious as people may lie in order to get extra free time. If the recommendation is to be effective in reducing the absenteeism, supposing the supplement can prevent colds, we need to be sure that colds are the exact causes of absences and people are not merely malingering.

感觉写得有点单薄 你可以看看我的提纲  


In conclusion, in order to assess the recommendation of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil as a means to prevent colds and reduce absenteeism in West Merai, we need further information on the health condition of East Meria people, the contribution of fish consumption towards preventing colds, the efficacy of the supplement and the genuine reason behind absenteeism.

总的来说写得不错

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改：

The West Meria Public Health Council suggests that using a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil can reduce absenteeism by preventing colds. The author argues that high fish consumption in East Meria contributed to the low rate of doctor visits caused by colds and therefore, by preventing colds using a supplement extracted from fish oil, absenteeism can be abated in West Meria since it is the primary reason given for not showing up in school or work. However, there is a number of questions need to be considered before deciding the efficacy of the supplement recommended, namely, whether the low rate of doctor visits reflect better health condition; whether high fish consumption is the cause of the modicum of doctor visits; whether colds are the true reason of absenteeism; whether the supplement extracted from the fish oil will be as effective as the the fish itself.

First, we want to know whether people are genuinely less likely to catch colds in East Meria than West Meria. The arguer claims that in East Meria people rarely visit hospitals because of colds. This does not necessarily mean that people are less likely to catch colds in East Meria. People may not visit doctors because they can coalesce from colds without any treatment. Or it is possible that people can buy medicine for treating colds without prescription. Alternatively, people may be too poor to go to the doctors. If any of these possibility is true, the recommendation would not be warranted as the evidence upon which it is based dose not hold anymore.

Even though it is true that people in East Meria are less likely to catch colds, it is not clear whether fish consumption is the sufficient and necessary explanation for it. It may turn out that, for example, people in East Meria have more balanced diet and exercise more often, which contribute to preventing colds. In this scenario, again, the argument would be weakened and the recommendation need to be reconsidered.

Moreover, one more question need to answered is the efficacy of the nutritional supplement extracted from fish oil. Even if the fish is effective at preventing colds there is no guarantee that the the derived product will be effective as well. A carefully designed control experiment is needed to establish whether the nutritional supplement can prevent colds, compared to placebos. If the supplement turns out having no effect then the recommendation would be futile.

Finally, the true reason for absenteeism remains dubious as people may lie in order to get extra free time. If the recommendation is to be effective in reducing the absenteeism, supposing the supplement can prevent colds, we need to be sure that colds are the exact causes of absences and people are not merely malingering. One way to make sure is to require medical certificates. Also, surveys concerning attitudes towards school and work can be conducted in West Meria. But again, people may not give honest responses. Therefore, perhaps preventing colds would not reduce absenteeism.

In conclusion, in order to assess the recommendation of a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil as a means to prevent colds and reduce absenteeism in West Merai, we need further information on the health condition of East Meria people, the contribution of fish consumption towards preventing colds, the efficacy of the supplement and the genuine reason behind absenteeism.

dgvwserUID: 3641709

值得一看

lullaby717UID: 3646766

The following appeared in a memorandum from the manager of WWAC radio station.

"To reverse a decline in listener numbers, our owners have decided that WWAC must change from its current rock-music format. The decline has occurred despite population growth in our listening area, but that growth has resulted mainly from people moving here after their retirement. We must make listeners of these new residents. We could switch to a music format tailored to their tastes, but a continuing decline in local sales of recorded music suggests limited interest in music. Instead we should change to a news and talk format, a form of radio that is increasingly popular in our area."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The manager of WWAC radio station claims that the rock-music format should be replaced by the news and talk format based on following evidence: many people after retirement move into the listening area; the listeners numbers and local sales of recorded music both declined; news and talk format becomes popular in the area. In order to evaluate the argument, further information about the music tastes of the retired, the reasons for the decline of listeners numbers and sales of recorded music, and the popularity of news and talk format.

First, the manager mentioned the population growth brought by the immigration of retired people, which coincides with the decline of listener numbers. Therefore, the manager assumed that old people do not like rock music. However, this assumption is not backed up by sound evidence. It is possible that, after conducting thorough investigations into the music tastes of the people after retirement, the results support the manager's assumption, thereby strengthening the argument.

Also, we need further evidence about the true reasons behind the declines of listener numbers and the sales of the recorded music. Rather than because of limited interest in musics, the declines may reflect the shift in the way people listen to music. Since personal computers becomes ubiquitous nowadays, music in electronic format may be preferred to radio and recorded formats. If this is true, then the argument will be weakened.

Moreover, more concrete evidence pertaining to the popularity of news and talk format should be given to evaluate the argument. The claim that this format is increasingly popular in the area is not corroborated by any surveys. If a comprehensive survey has been done indicating that the majority people in this area do prefer news and talk format to rock-music format, then the argument would be strengthened.

In conclusion, we need specific evidence concerning the music tastes of the retired, the causes of the declines in the listeners numbers and sales of the recorded music, and the popularity of the news and talk format in this area to better the assess the soundness of the argument.

345/30 min, 写的还是太慢了

lullaby717UID: 3646766

Argument 18

The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

"Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station's coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have canceled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to our news programs and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should expand our coverage of weather and local news on all our news programs."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

The manager of the television station argues that the coverage of local and weather news should be expanded on all the news program. This assertion is based on following assumptions: the complaints are pertaining to the duration of the weather and local news; the local businesses withdrew because of the change; and expanding the coverage of weather and local news on all new program will attract more viewers.

To begin with, the manager assumes that the content of the complaints are about the decreased time devoted to weather and local news. However, this assumption is not corroborated by any evidence in the passage. The content of the complaints could be anything. It is possible that people are complaining that the time devoted to weather and local news is still superfluous. If so, then the argument will be weakened. Conversely, if there is evidence suggesting that most viewers indeed think the duration of weather and local news is too short, then the manager's position will be supported.

Also untenably, the manager implies that the local advertising companies canceled the contracts because of the decreased coverage of weather and local news. It is entirely possible that the businesses did so out of other concerns. For example, the television station may have been involved in some scandals, which deterred the businesses from advertising in their news programs. Alternatively, the competing television stations may proffered allusive contracts which swayed these businesses. In any case, there is no evidence suggesting that these businesses canceled the contracts in the late-night news program because of the decreased coverage of weather and local news. Therefore, the argument would be groundless.

Moreover, the argument rests on the assumption that expanding coverage of weather and local news on all news program would attract more viewers. This assumption, again, is not warranted. The viewing preferences of audience of the late-night news program may be different from views of the other news program. Expending coverage of weather and local news on all news program may bring further objections rather than applause.

336/30 mins

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

lullaby717 发表于 2015-8-16 20:51
Argument 18

The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

我这段时间在整理以前修改的内容 你可以考虑把你的文章和我的范文或提纲比对一下  在原帖更新一下比对的结果和思考 以及具体的问题 我会再看看 ~~~  

lullaby717UID: 3646766

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-17 12:26
我这段时间在整理以前修改的内容 你可以考虑把你的文章和我的范文或提纲比对一下  在原帖更新一下比对的结 ...

好的 谢谢老师！

lullaby717UID: 3646766

Issue 3：Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

提纲：
I do not think that educational institutions should be responsible for discouraging students from studying the fields in which the chance to succeed is insubstantial. Educational institutions may not be able to discern which fields students are unlikely to succeed in. Intervening students’ choices of specialty may hamper their motivation, which could even harm their chance of success. However, it is desirable for educational institutions to use their expertise to suggests suitable areas that are tailored to individual students’ talents and interests.

chance- insubstantial 搭配
句子之间缺乏过渡



1)unwarranted assumption- Educational institutions can predict which fields the students are unlikely to succeed in.
-What is the criterion of success? Making most money? Or job satisfaction and life satisfaction. (Self-actualization)
-What is this prediction based on? The financial outlook? What about the personality and interests of the students? What if that field is not suitable?

你的提纲最好能写出完整的主题句  
下面的点不要写问句  要写出可以展开的point  你可以参考一下我写的提纲  



2) the motives are understandable, but the consequences may be detrimental.
- education is seen as a tantamount investment by the students, their parents, the educational institution, and the society as a whole. Vast amount of time, money and energy have been put into education, it is reasonable to expect a good return.
-But blindly choosing a seemingly lucrative career can be counter-productive. Considering the lump of people competing for jobs that are associated with luxurious lifestyles such as lawyer and medical doctors, some of them do not love the profession per se, but only conforming to the expectations of their parents or the society. Therefore, they are not motivated to learn as much as they can. As a result, not few of them would fail to get the qualifications and eventually land a job, but instead end up wasting years of valuable time.

同上
看不出来你的主题句是想说什么  
不太明白为什么后面会出现lucrative career  已经偏离题目的关键词


3)In order to maximize the potential of students, educational institutions could guide them to find the field of study that is most suitable for them and illuminate the most promising path in that field.
-psychometric tests, past academic records to match the students’ talents and interests with potential careers.
-within the field of interests, professors can offer advice regarding which area is rapidly developing and therefore most promising for breakthroughs.  For example, if a student is interested in biology, the educational institutions could advise he/she to pursue certain issues that are currently on the frontier of scientific progress, such as stem cells, neuroscience and so on.

这里看不出在回应题目关于challenge的写作要求

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同意（条件是学生在这方面学得不好）

1.学生在学校指导下可以找到最合适自己的领域，不浪费时间和经历，更容易取得成绩，享受校园生活。
2.学校指导降低学生失业可能性，因为学生所学吻合自己的兴趣和特长，毕业时应有良好的成绩和一定的相关经验。
3. （反面观点）学校预测可能不准确，但是现代先进的评估方法和心理学的融入提高了评估和预测的准确性。