20天托福110分复习计划，由于另一个帖子楼数太高，现在本帖也开始为各位改作文

jjhUID: 2355296

评语收到。再麻烦LZ指教。
Topic #85: A foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.
My motherland China is such a terrific country with a vast territory and a more than 5000-year civilization history. We have the grand man-made works like the Great Wall in Beijing and fabulous natural views inside the most distant mountains. However, there is little possibility for a visitor to get all these places in one day, and thus my recommendation is to spend the day in the central part of Shanghai, which is one of the most attractive metropolises of China and my beloved hometown too. The foreign visitor could visit Shanghai Museum to gain abundant information about our country, and see the vivid daily life in the People's Park near the museum, following  with a nighttime cruise tour on the Huangpu River as the perfect ending of the exciting day.
The museum, of course, is the best place for an international guest to get a closer look at China's history, culture, and physical environment. Shanghai museum is one of the most well-know museums in China , even in the world, which is famous for its large number of priceless ancient China artworks, such as paintings, sculptures, and calligraphies. And the museum also shows the traditional costumes and daily supplies like furniture and unique house styles from the different part of the country, from which the visitor could know about the different customs and life-styles in China. There is even a movie provided by the museum to introduce the greatest and special places in China thirty minutes. What a wonderful trip it is! At the time the visitor goes out the museum, the one would fell as if he or she has been to this country for quite a long time.
Before or after our guest visits Shanghai Museum, there is a place he or she won’t be willing to miss the People's Park, which is also located in the center of the city  nearby the museum. Here, the guest will see a live picture of today's daily life in Shanghai China. Please take one’s time to smell the flowers and to feel the gentle breeze on the face, as well as to watch elder people doing Taiji, which is a kind of traditional Chinese exercises and a kind of Chinese Kung Fu, while younger people are performing music with their own bands. Our foreign visitor might make a new friend who is interested with western culture and is learning English now.
After enjoying a big dinner maybe in the Sun Ya Restaurant who has just celebrated  its 80th birthday this week, now, it's time to do the last but most colorful event of today, taking the nighttime cruise tour on the Huangpu river, which is also called the mother river of Shanghai and witnesses the dramatic changes have happened around her. At the time all building lights turned on, the visitor meets the old Shanghai and the modern Shanghai at the same time. The Bund side of the river show the old fashion shape of buildings left by their former owners at the end of colony age, while the skyscrapers standing at the other side of the river telling the new story about the city also the country and the new age.
I believe this must be a most unforgettable day that a foreign visitor could spend in China with such a tight schedule. In one day the visitor would meet the yesterday and today of Shanghai as a miniature version of China. The museum, the park and the lights shining in the city’s night sky all together would do the best to treat our guest a remarkable day in our country.

yichengfanUID: 2608182

谢谢啊^^辛苦了。
31号就考了，这个水平上阵的话觉得28分的把握大不？如果去掉问句，加上反面优点。 作文还贴在266楼~~
再次谢啦
275# 腾格里旅狼

eniaUID: 2616768

273# 腾格里旅狼
感谢指点，
看来要好好加强逻辑论述…

goblinmeUID: 2608726

不好意思哈 这次我copy文章了  题目是
Instead of spending money on exploration of outer space, government should spend money on environment.





Exploration of universe has found its growing population among the governments in various countries. The capital infused in this research is considerable, therefore some views of putting these sums into environmental issues emerged. As for me, the government should engage in meeting environmental issues more rather than focus too much on the exploration of outer space if  interests of human beings are considered to be a main criteria.
            The main reason lies in the increasingly deteleriorating environmental problems. The existence of human beings is threatened by current disruptive situation. We can, accordingly, develop a huge amount of approaches to these issues if enough capital is povided. Delicate implements can be invented to restore the carbon dioxide in the seabed to alleviate global warming ; severely deserted lands and over-fertilized fields can be turned into green land in a larger scale for more settlers ; more fresh water will be purified to meet the shortage of water supply in the urban areas; more ecological areas can be established to maintain endangered species. All these practice can cultivate a more comfortable living state for all creatures on this planet. 5 _' P- R4 w2 ?7 a' Q
                For one thing, the idea that exploration of the unknown universe is too big for the technical possibilities in present condition. Despite of some merits breed by the exploration , the benefits are not gained in proportion as the money we offered. Any research forms underlying a big observation with advancing facilities, super computers to study the data, experts with outstanding research abilities and a host amount of technologies applied in the study, require substantial sums of money, which accounts for the less money used in the huamnity welfare.
          For the other thing, the competitions among nations for the utilization of the outer space will result in not only a overlook of the pressing issues confronting that country but also a weakening and unstable social state. Government may plunge most its energy and capital into developing an insight into universe to go byond its counterparts when the living state of its citizens are not garanteed and other approaches to meet the pressing issues such as lack of households and meager for food are set aside, hence an evitable national decay.   o1 s2 u, Q/ _' @
                In essence, the curiosity for further expploration of the massive universe are aroused in this more and more outstanding world，while for the sake of our next generations, allaying the environmental stress will create a splendid future for human race.

bai3697UID: 2585504

顶一个

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

283# tiny.shirley 额……我语法不好……找起来特别费时……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

284# wouldrather 这样改出来就好很多……论据小了，文章就精彩很多

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

285# wouldrather 多贴没关系，主要是下次请全用中文或英文……看了你的题目两遍，第一遍感觉你在鄙视我中文，第二遍感觉你在鄙视我英文……呵呵。
第一段尽量不要使用问句，如果你感觉非要使用不可，可以尝试改变一下，比如你就可以用if people ask me "which one has more effects ……"这样不但丰富了句型，又避免了问句。另外，例子问题，尽量写身边的例子，比如你这句"no matter you are travelling on the wide plain of south Africa or hanging out with your friends in the crowded bar in New York"我请问你，你是去过南美还是纽约？你对那里熟悉么？答案基本是否定的，那么为什么不写一些你熟悉的地方呢，北京，上海，你家乡，哪个地方你了解的不比那里多。只有经历了才能了解，只有了解了，才有体会。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

286# jjh 我读了你的第一段的绝大部分，你知道我什么感受么？“中国真好，一天时间太短，这时间给的真TMD扯淡，这不是摆明不让我好好玩么！”你这是在质疑题目么？呵呵。托福作文不是让你赞美祖国大好河山的。你在第一段告诉别人你想让他带的就行了，不用先赞美一下咱祖国河山。你看一下我再第一页上传的附件，那篇英文文章会对你帮助很大的。如果你真要写这些，就放到结尾去，只要你前面论述清楚了，你结尾在不超字数的前提下爱怎么夸怎么夸，想怎么夸怎么夸。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

287# yichengfan 实话实说，不是很大，不过24分应该可以。作文的话最好从新贴一下，你这样的话我连个比较的文章也没有了，没有原文，我实在既不清楚你写的是什么……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

288# enia 很多人都说托福作文考句型，考语法，都是屁话，托福作文实际上就是考逻辑的。你逻辑不行，语法句型再牛X也白搭。

阿泰UID: 209473

截楼

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

289# goblinme 上来第一段就乱该题目：spending money 和 focus too much on the exploration of outer space 是完全的两个概念，一个是让你选择并解释原因，另一个则是是否有必要这样做。你对题目的理解就错了。仅从你的第一段来看，无论下面的写的再好，也就在25分一下，不会超过25分的。下面的例子又是大而空。这一点估计都是被我们可爱的中学老师毒害的………上来就喊空话，写个小学生扫地也得感谢党和祖国……谢了一堆就是不提怎么扫起地上的灰。你的例子也一样，真要写保护环境，给个自己身边的例子多好，鲜明具体，不必用上大半个篇幅去说什么全球变暖，沙漠化强……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

297# 阿泰 你好勤奋啊……发广告的估计天天都问候你……

wouldratherUID: 2623576

285# wouldrather  多贴没关系，主要是下次请全用中文或英文……看了你的题目两遍，第一遍感觉你在鄙视我中文，第二遍感觉你在鄙视我英文……呵呵。
第一段尽量不要使用问句，如果你感觉非要使用不可，可以尝试改变 ...
腾格里旅狼 发表于 2009-5-16 08:40

呵呵，再次谢谢点评，下次注意改善，恩！
对了，那个题目我也是从机经上面复制粘贴的，懒得我呀，我也讨厌中文里面夹英文的。