同主题ARGUMENT242 =August Rush=小组第1次作业 by wisle

wisleUID: 2578616

ARGUMENT242
The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.
"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."

破题顺序如下：
Conclusion: 1. the honor code has proven far more successful in Groveton
                  2. Institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's
   Supports: 1.实施后，上报作弊事件逐渐降低
                  2.最近对学生调查，学生自己反映不太作弊

关系如下：
S1+S2 à1à C1 à2à C2

提纲：
1.
对S1和S2推出C1的关系1进行攻击（关系1包括S1àC1和S2àC1，故可分两段）
S1：作弊数量的减少可能是(1)客观：新系统自身可能有缺陷(2)主观：人为原因（含老师的原因和学生原因）
S2：调查(1)调查样本不知道(2)调查对象不知道可能就只针对优秀学生调查，而这类人群本来就不太作弊
2.
对C1推出C2的关系2攻击：在G校成功不代表其他地方亦成功，可能跟学校本身考试的难易（有些考试根本不需要作弊），整体学风和文化有关。


     2楼是全文

wisleUID: 2578616

TOPIC: ARGUMENT242 - The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.

"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."
WORDS: 484
TIME: 00:54:49
DATE: 2009-6-8 下午 07:02:40
明天还要考运筹学，今晚饭后写了这篇，嗨……时长！！！，跟上大版速度
不过字数比原来写的，呵呵
提纲和全文都在这里
=========================================================
The arguer's suggestion that these institutions, evolving the dramatic rise in cheating, should adopt the honor codes similar Groveton's, basing on the decreasing number of cheating cases reported during last 6 years and a results given by students in a recent survey, is seemly well-reasoned, still remains to prove it's trustworthy.

The first suspicion arises from the decreasing number of cheating cases which were reported in last six years. On one hand, we don't whether the Groveton's honor code is useful for checking nowadays cheating cases. Maybe the means of cheating have totally changed from 6 years ago at the beginning of this honor code. While that the Groveton's honor code is only valid for the traditional cheatings may lead the decreasing number of such cases. Another hand, the question comes out from the people in this system including the teachers and the students. As for teachers, some of them may not report the cheating cases when considering the reputation of their colleges. It's different for students. The students who know such cases may not report since they want to have a good relationship with their cheating classmates. Even more, sometimes the cheating cases are not among several students but relative to a myriad of students. Who would like to report themselves at the risk of being expelled by their universities or colleges? The answer is obviously not.

Additionally, the arguer has not supplied the population of the survey. So it is rational to suspect the survey's results. How many people were asked in this survey? The result from few people is not trustworthy as that from amounts of people. Even the population is enough large, we want to know the sorts of these people. Whether the objects of the survey are rational? If only the students who do well in their achievements join the survey, the result can just reflect the performance of these students instead of the whole situation the colleges may face.

At last, even this honor code in Groveton works well, there is no one can promise it does the same in other institutions as these following reasons. First, we don't know the difficult degree in Groveton. If the test is easy to pass or achieve a high mark, nobody wants to cheat. Then the situation of the student's quality also plays a key role. What's more? The phenomenon of the college is anther unignorant factor. If a student in a college where all the students are shame for cheating, he may not cheat, otherwise he may be belittled by his classmates.

Above all, these suspicions stem from the vague background information. Without doubts, the suggestion can be sustained well by the more details in the true fundamental stone of decreasing cheating cases, the population in survey and people joining the survey selected from various levels. So that the hypothesis can be rational and the suggestion can persuade the readers.

nlhustUID: 2404239

Thearguer's suggestion that these institutions, evolving the dramatic risein cheating, should adopt the honor codes similar （to）Groveton's, basing onthe decreasing number of cheating cases reported during last 6 yearsand a results given by students in a recent survey, is seemlywell-reasoned, still remains to prove it's trustworthy（单独成句没有主语，和前面有关联又缺少连词。。而且加上前面的主语就变成了 the suggestion remains to prove it's trustworthy. 这样说有问题啊，可以改成Its trustworthiness remains to be proven.）.

这一段很好的点出了原文的逻辑推理结构，很好。
但是整段就一个句子啊？？有点混乱。。比如说basing on 那一句为什么要放在那个地方？still remains一句为什么另起一句？句子写长了就容易把自己也给绕进去了，建议还是写短点好。

The first suspicionarises from the decreasing number of cheating cases which were reportedin last six years. On one hand, we don't whether the Groveton's honorcode is useful for checking nowadays cheating cases.（on the one hand; we don't know whether... ） Maybe the means ofcheating have totally changed from 6 years ago at the beginning of thishonor code.(时态似乎有点问题。另外this honor code 是名词，怎么会 有beginning呢？) While that the Groveton's honor code is only valid for thetraditional cheatings may lead the decreasing number of such cases.（while在这里是什么用法？that在这里只是一个关系代词对吧？这样写的感觉有点诡异，表达的意思理解起来比较费力，改改吧。。）Another hand,（on the other hand） the question（为什么用the，前面有提过这个questions吗？是什么question？） comes out from the people in this systemincluding the teachers and the students. As for teachers, some of themmay not report the cheating cases when considering the reputation oftheir colleges.（这个teachers的理由放在这里是想说明什么问题？先把问题说出来在列举可能因素阅读的人才看的明白。） It's different for students. The students who know suchcases may not report since they want to have a good relationship withtheir cheating classmates.(怎么说呢，那个it's different for students，我觉得没必要那样说，就说 while for students，those who...应该就可以了) Even more, sometimes the cheating cases arenot among several students but relative to a myriad of students. Whowould like to report themselves at the risk of being expelled by theiruniversities or colleges?（很多人一起作弊和举报就会被开除有联系吗？作者是自己默认了举报的同学自己也参与了作弊这一点吧？但是在文中并没有说清楚这个关系。。） The answer is obviously not.（其实你这一部分就是在说这个措施由于老师和学生的因素不一定有效，在前面明确的说出来比较好）

首先，on the one hand和on the other hand 是固定用法，而且是用于引出两个相对或相反的论述点的，向你这样用在文中表达并列递进关系不合适。
另外我觉得你这段的表述还是有问题，我是在看了你的提纲后才明白你那个maybe... while...一句到底想说什么，句子写短一点，句中的关系用恰当的连词来体现才好，像这一句中while就用的不恰当，感觉用thus之类的表因果的词才比较贴切。
还有，我觉得你应该先就说有多种原因会导致数据下降然后再开始说可能的原因。不然只是这样说数据的下降值得怀疑然后就开始举原因，我怎么知道你说的该怀疑的是哪个方面呢？而且在你关系词用得不恰当的时候，整段的意思就更难一次看明白了。


Additionally, thearguer has not supplied the population of the survey（为什么要用完成时？就说does not supply或是did not supply不行吗？）. So it is rationalto suspect the survey's results. How many people were asked in thissurvey? The result from few people is not （so/as）trustworthy as that fromamounts of people. Even the population is enough large,(读着好别扭啊，是不是一般都会说large enough？) we want to knowthe sorts of these people. Whether the objects of the survey arerational?(刚开始把rational理解为理智的了，然后就觉得这和后面的不搭调。。如果理解成合理的还不错，但是建议这句的表述改一下，改成不会引起歧义的叙述方式) If only the students who do well in their achievements jointhe survey, the result can just reflect the performance of thesestudents instead of the whole situation the colleges may face.

这一段先说样本大小问题，在说样本的类型，不错。。

At last, even this honor code in Groveton works well, there is (去掉) no one can promise it does(will do) the same in other institutions as these following reasons（for... ，一般看到的都是这种搭配）. First, we don't know the difficult degree in Groveton.（这句话表意不清） If the test is easy to pass or achieve a high mark, nobody wants to cheat. Then the situation of the student's quality also plays a key role. What's more? The phenomenon of the college is anther unignorant factor. (还是表意不清，从后文来看，这里用phenomenon是不恰当的，另外unignorant这个词相当相当不常见。换一个词吧)If a student in a college where all the students are shame for cheating, he may not cheat, otherwise he may be belittled by his classmates.（这些理由怎么解释Groventon使用honor code前后的差异？如果真是这样，在之前没有更换制度时就应该作弊人数就应该不多啊）

这一段是要说各个学校之间的对比差异，那么在段落中就因该凸显出这种差异，而作者并没有很好的做到这一点。就算你说了Groveton的情况如何，还是应该在说其他学校不一定这样，不说的话人家怎么知道你是这么想的呢？而且这两个理由并不是很充分

Above all, these suspicions stem from the vague background information. Without doubts,(去掉应该也不会影响表达，而且这里读着感觉还很不舒服) the suggestion can be sustained well by the（去掉） more details in the true fundamental stone（这种表达感觉很别扭） of decreasing cheating cases, the population in survey and people joining the survey selected from various levels.(这些是列举more details的具体内容，但是感觉语法上还是有问题，那个people joining the survey selected from various levels到底是想说什么？而且这里只是说道了survey的问题，前面提到过的问题可不止这些啊，不全面。。) So that the hypothesis can be rational and the suggestion can persuade the readers.

最后一段的改进方法没说清而且说得不够全面。

nlhustUID: 2404239

最后说一下对这篇文章的总体感觉吧

首先，文中还是很有些表达方式感觉不够地道的，建议平时多看文章多积累点，另外自己写的时候不确定的就查词典，查google，还有就是开头结尾用长句能写精彩固然好，但是如果没有熟练掌握的话建议还是用稍微短点的句子，短句也是很有力度的，而且长句用的不好会使得自己本来想要突出表达的意思反而被掩盖了。

然后从结构上来看的话，提纲列的很好，攻击fact和survey的可靠性，然后在指出就算前两者可靠了，各学校间的差异也会导致honor code 不适用，但是在列举可能性理由的方面作者就做的不够好了，而且作者在很多地方都没有明确清晰地表达出自己要批驳的点、要列举的理由到底说明了什么。也许作者自己写着的时候觉得明白了，但是其中的联系其实并没有写出来，这样读者看起来是很吃力的。建议作者写完后过个十几或几十分钟在回头看一遍自己的文章，这样就能一下子发现由于自己写作时思路的跳跃性而导致文中没说清的地方了

大概就这么多吧，客套话也不多说了，反正有什么不同的意见尽管指出，很乐意大家一起探讨

lela900UID: 2634833

顶楼主和修改者~~大家都非常认真！

Mason.PDUID: 2592013

The arguer's suggestion that these institutions, evolving the dramatic rise in cheating, should adopt the honor codes similar Groveton's, basing on the decreasing number of cheating cases reported during last 6 years and a results given by students in a recent survey, is seemly well-reasoned, still remains to prove it's trustworthy.(这开头一句话用的可真长。。把我绕进去了)

The first suspicion arises from the decreasing number of cheating cases which were reported in last six years. On one hand（建议用the threshold problem is that）, we don't whether the Groveton's honor code is useful for checking nowadays cheating cases. Maybe the means of cheating have totally changed from(since好点吧) 6 years ago at the beginning of this honor code（不要了 我看着觉得别扭）. While（这个while做什么解释？我不明白） that the Groveton's honor code is only valid for the traditional cheatings may lead the decreasing number of such cases. Another hand（建议用furthermore）, the question comes out from the people in this system including the teachers and the students. As for teachers, some of them may not report the cheating cases when considering the reputation of their colleges. It's different for students（这个短句突兀点。。用while吧）. The students who know such cases may not report since they want to have a good relationship with their cheating classmates. Even more, sometimes the cheating cases are not among several students but relative to a myriad of students. Who would like to report themselves at the risk of being expelled by their universities or colleges?（举报集体作弊=被开除？） The answer is obviously not.

Additionally, the arguer has not supplied（一般时态吧） the population of the survey. So it is rational to suspect the survey's results. How many people were asked in this survey? The result from few people is not trustworthy as that from amounts of people. Even the population is enough large（large enough）, we want to know the sorts of these people. Whether the objects of the survey are rational? If only the students who do well in their achievements join the survey, the result can just reflect the performance of these students instead of the whole situation the colleges may face.

At last, even this honor code in Groveton works well, there is（不要 不然这话不顺） no one can promise it does the same in other institutions as these following reasons. First, we don't know the difficult degree（加about the test） in Groveton. If the test is easy to pass or achieve a high mark, nobody wants to cheat. Then the situation of the student's quality also plays a key role. What's more? The phenomenon（这个别扭） of the college is anther unignorant（不无知的？字典没查到） factor. If a student in a college where all the students are shame for cheating, he may not cheat, otherwise he may be belittled by his classmates.

Above all, these suspicions stem from the vague background information. Without doubts, the suggestion can be sustained well by the（去掉） more details in the true fundamental stone （什么意思？不懂）of decreasing cheating cases, the population in survey and people joining the survey selected from various levels. So that the hypothesis can be rational and the suggestion can persuade the readers.

我说下自己的感觉 就是你想破题点找对了 但是你的句子像是生造出来的
很生硬 读起来我觉得不舒服

cqyanboUID: 2515250

The arguer's suggestion that these institutions, evolving the dramatic rise in cheating, should adopt the honor codes similar Groveton's, basing on the decreasing number of cheating cases reported during last 6 years and a results given by students in a recent survey, is seemly well-reasoned, still remains to prove it's trustworthy.
第一段很简洁，但是该有的部分都有了。建议能分成几个简单句。

The first suspicion arises from the decreasing number of cheating cases which were reported in last six years.（在这里加一句承接段首句和后面驳斥理由的句子可以让整个段落结构显得更流畅。） On one hand, we don't whether（这两个词中间是否查个单词？） the Groveton's honor code is useful for checking nowadays cheating cases. Maybe the means of cheating have totally changed from 6 years ago at the beginning of this honor code. While that the Groveton's honor code is only valid for the traditional cheatings may lead the decreasing number of such cases. Another hand, the question comes out from the people in this system including the teachers and the students. As for teachers, some of them may not report the cheating cases when considering the reputation of their colleges. It's different for students. The students who know such cases may not report since they want to have a good relationship with their cheating classmates. Even more, sometimes the cheating cases are not among several students but relative to a myriad of students. Who would like to report themselves at the risk of being expelled by their universities or colleges? The answer is obviously not.（语气过于强硬）

Additionally, the arguer has not supplied the population of the survey. So it is rational to suspect the survey's results. How many people were asked in this survey? The result from few people is not trustworthy as that from amounts of people. Even the population is enough large, we want to know the sorts of these people. Whether the objects of the survey are rational? If only the students who do well in their achievements join the survey, the result can just reflect the performance of these students instead of the whole situation the colleges may face.

At last, even this honor code in Groveton works well, there is no one can promise it does the same in other institutions as these following reasons.（这句话好像不通？） First, we don't know the difficult degree in Groveton. If the test is easy to pass or achieve a high mark, nobody wants to cheat. Then（这里用Then，给人感觉后面跟的句子还是讲的是考试的难易问题，但是后面的句子却跳到了学生的素质问题上了。虽然仔细想想都是讲的一个事情，但是前后句的关注点却不一样。）the situation of the student's quality also plays a key role. What's more?（有点唐突，是否平稳一点比较好。用Furthermore之类的词？） The phenomenon of the college is anther unignorant（这个词是对的吗？还是比较生僻？word和google翻译都不能识别） factor. If a student in a college where all the students are shame for cheating, he may not cheat, otherwise he may be belittled by his classmates.

Above all, these suspicions stem from the vague background information. Without doubts, the suggestion can be sustained well by the（个人感觉the用在这里比较别扭） more details in the true fundamental stone of decreasing cheating cases, the population in survey and people joining the survey selected from various levels. （这句话有点绕，建议能不能分成简单句，让层次更加清楚一点？） So that the hypothesis can be rational and the suggestion can persuade the readers.

后注：
1.
整篇文章的结构比较清晰，层次感也很清楚。
2.
破题点找得不错。
句子比较流畅，但是长句使用上面还欠缺火候，可以继续磨练一下。