08的作文修改小铺子

jiang08UID：2391146

it is ourselves, not others, are most concerned and best informed.
怎么这个句子感觉怪怪的。。。
djy1333 发表于 2009-8-21 06:40

谢谢提醒，少了一个that 应该是：it is ourselves, not others, that are most concerned and best informed.

tigerzxUID：2669737

谢谢08 ^_^

jiang08UID：2391146

水平不是一般差。。第一篇。。
大城市好，还是小城镇好
The majority of people tend to have a favorable attitude toward something. This thing is（这句没懂，第一句是多余，直接说有这个issue就可以了）, which people would live the place as their preference, a big city or a small town, people may give various answers to this question. Some people believe that living a small town has some advantages, such as comfortable（注意这里是对advantage的展开，所以应该是名词comfort） and no traffic jam, while others claim they prefer to live in big city, because of more opportunities and higher education. On balance, my favor goes to live（living） in big city.
Living a big city has several benefits. First, there are more job chances readily available in big city than in a small city. For instance, some people Bachelor of Science in biology（holding/with a Bachelor of Science in Biology degree） hope they can find the (注意区分定冠词和不定冠词的用法)  job in a laboratory after graduation,（句号） nevertheless, there is not laboratory of biology in a small town.这话说得欠妥，小town上有研究/学术机构就会有实验室要人了。 So the more laboratories have, the more chances is obtained. 换一个学科吧，这种实验室的其实正是不需要大城市的，communications journalism之类的就比较有说服力了

Second, children are supposed to be able to receive an education with higher quality compared with their counterparts who live in a small tow. For example, city universities have large numbers of spaces reserved for local residents while they have relatively fewer spaces for student from the countryside.这个space是指什么？是指招生时找大城市的人多？这个不符合真实情况。可以从教育资源多，和整个社会的互动多这些方面来写

让步了最好加个转折连词 Living a small town has some advantages. One is that people have a comfortable life style. Because most of them do not have to suffer high working stress. The other is that there has no traffic jam, so people in a small city do not get up early in the morning.交通并不是起多早的唯一决定因素
In the final analysis, more opportunities and higher education are part and parcel of living in big city. However（这个however用的有问题，前面一句是支持大城市的，你来个转折，说明后面是要反对大城市的，而且这个反对观点还是占主要地位的）, considering the potential problem resulted from living in a small town and the benefits of the other’s, I believe it is sensible to living（live） in a big city.
myproengineer 发表于 2009-8-8 19:44

论点都没有问题，但是论证的时候不严密，逻辑性比较差，举例要考虑到实际情况哦

jiang08UID：2391146

太感谢啦！今天刚巧正写了一篇呢~ 很迷茫的 帮我看看吧大侠！
题目是：knowledge learned in school 和 that learned outside schools 那个重要？

There exists a strange（为啥奇怪了。。） diversity in college students nowadays: some of them only focus on the school subjects without knowing the outside world, while others escape school to do full-time jobs holding that experience outside schools is more valuable. As far as I am concerned, either knowledge we get in school or that we obtain outside is what we cannot afford to lack.

On the one hand, schools prepare you for the future career by teaching you the knowledge in your major. Due to the fierce competition in today’s society, a good mastery of your expertise becomes indispensible for a good job and such expertise cannot be obtained outside school. For example, I major in computer science. The knowledge of programming skills and software engineering never come from the social practice. Only the school education can provide me with the instruction in my field efficiently and effectively. 我觉得这个原因是工作的时候人家期待你已经会这些技能了，所以这些技能只能在学校里才能学到

On the other hand, the knowledge outside schools is so practical that lack of such knowledge may make you a freak in the society, thus you are isolated from your group.（最好写出来practical的能力是指哪些？socializing？） For instance, when a group of friends are talking about the TV programs on the most popular channel with great excitement, a student would destroy the warm atmosphere and shock the present（？） if he said he never heard of the programs at all.（首先没那么严重吧。。其次这个不是什么knowledge，对学生个人发展也没什么阻碍……） The knowledge outside school also includes interpersonal skills, the ability to solve the everyday problems（举例？什么问题需要怎样的能力？而这个能力不能在学校里学到的？）, knowledge about the society you live in as well as the hot spots in your circle, which are of primary importance in social life.

As we can see, knowledge outside schools and inside schools together fit you into the society and decides（determines） your success. To take the business opportunity as an example, without the knowledge of the present international economic situation, one will fail to explore the right chance to start his own enterprise. However, he will also fail to gain profits due to lack of knowledge in human resource or business management that should be learned in school. So both kinds of knowledge consist different part of our life and lack of either may  jeopardize our career and dream. 最后一段一般我不提倡用例子，但是由于你写中立观点，最后一段写出两者结合的重要性，我觉得还是很好的
jellyjar 发表于 2009-8-8 20:42

jiang08UID：2391146

谢谢LZ认真的修改。
有2个问题继续请教
第二段，你说第一句要写出观点句。说比我年长朋友能在没有经历过的事情中提供建议。
其实我开头第一句是：这段写的就是年长朋友比同龄人更有经验。更有经验就说明了肯定 ...
libra5 发表于 2009-8-8 21:25

又看了一下，你说了之后论点是挺清楚的。
同龄人有个词peer，peer-pressure嘛

perceptionUID：2299669

268# jiang08

谢谢jiang08的修改和对我的肯定  这个小暂停什么时候能恢复呢  我30日考试还想请您指教两篇呢 呵呵

jiang08UID：2391146

上次忘写题目啦，抱歉抱歉
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Some people believe that the earth is being harmed by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live in. What is your opinion?

The relationship between any creature and the environment in which they live can be generalized as "interplay". The environment provide(单数) the creatures （缺with）habitat, food and other kinds of resources, while on the other hand, the creature also influence(单数) the environment in turn. The relationship between wide animals and the earth is always regarded as harmonious, but when it comes to the human beings, different people have different ideas on whether the human activity jeopardizes the earth or not. In my opinion, the human activity had a negative impact on the nature（natural） environment, but I will also point out that the development of human beings, especially in the area of science and technology, would make the earth a better place to live in. 这句论点有点点模糊，主要是最后的make the earth a better place to live in，感觉你是写平衡的观点了。如果把划线部分换一下可能会比较好。另外作为开头太长了一点，尤其是考虑到和后面论证的比例。
No one would deny that the process of industrialization and modernization is established on the decimating of species and destruction of nature environment. In the past, human beings always disregarded the harmony in the nature and put their personal economical interests in the first place. （个人经济利益是怎么损害环境/引起物种灭绝的？详细点）The warming climate and the numerous kinds of species perishing from the earth, such as Dodo, are just the evidences for the crimes committed by us. From the perspective of the environmental ethics, human activity in the past is harmful both to the earth and to human themselves. On the one hand, some scholars and philosophers believe that all the lives on the earth are equal, so that it is absurd for us to consider arrogantly that our human beings are superior to any other kinds of life. Therefore, we are not legitimate to destroy the environment and over look the welfare of other kind of animals.“人类没有权利凌驾于其它物种之上”和题目说的“人类破坏了地球环境”是不同的观点，这个论证偏了 On the other hand, the results of human beings' misdoings, such as the shrinking gene pool and deteriorating air quality, also pose an enormous hazard to us. 这最后是写环境恶化对人类的反作用么？恕我愚钝，gene pool 的这个不太好理解。另外这一段看似挺长，论证的其实挺空。具体的human activity你一个都没有写，只有很笼统的“现代化”之类的词。并且写得时候要注意人类这些活动和动物灭绝的关系，这个生物链的过程也要写出来，不然跳过几个环节论证就空洞了。
But there are enough evidences for us to be optimistic for the future. Now human beings have realized such problems and begin to look for solution to amend the situation.具体什么solution呢 What's more, people are becoming more and more concerned about prevention. The reason for the previous problems is that human beings don't apply their knowledge in a proper way. So I believe that our awareness on the environmental protection will prompt the solution of such problems and make the earth a better place to live in. 看到这里还是不确定你的主论点到底是好还是坏？这个问题一定要想清楚
rabox 发表于 2009-8-8 21:42

jiang08UID：2391146

麻烦楼主了，9月份考试啊。。。
Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.( T7 K- p& u3 Y
郁闷，我刚仔细改了一遍，回复的时候用户组过期，全没了，不好意思，这次具体语法错误不帮你改了，主要是主谓一致的问题，另外语言太简单了点。


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As the innovation of the new technique of cooking shifts faster and faster in the modern society, it is no doubt that food has become easier to prepare. It is true that today’s food is easier to prepare but this change has not improved the way people live.

There is a vivid saying that time is money. And thanks to the convenient ways of cooking, we do not have to waste a lot of time in kitchens. For instance, using the new cooker like microwave oven, people can save a great deal of time in cooking. However we can also save our precious time in another way, for example, we can go out to eat in the restaurants, which is simple and easy. After all, the best way to save our time is not to cook ourselves.

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+ 转折连词 Easy-preparing is not always the good thing for everyone. On one hand, people may cook at home for it is easy to prepare. On the other hand, the chefs in the restaurant may lose their jobs. How can this easy-preparing improve people’s lives if it makes people lose their jobs? 关于厨师的，你必须写出餐厅提供了人们在家烧哪几个不能相比的好处，而新的熟食怎样可以达到这些优点，从而人们不去餐厅，大厨才会失业

Traditionally, preparing the food offers us a wide range of advantages, especially, when we prepare a big meal for the festival like Christmas. It provides an opportunity for the family members to get together and enjoy the process of cooking. They can share their thoughts and talk freely during cooking. While the food has become easier to prepare, the time that the families can stay together is reduced. Here is a real story of one of my classmates, Johnny, who prefer to cook for his family. He cherish the time while he is cooking, because he thinks that it is a chance to show his love to his parents. Prepare for food severs as a bridge between Johnny and his family. Unfortunately, several months ago, Johnny did not have to cook for his family any more, for the simple reason that his family bought a brand new microwave oven. It seemed to him that he lost the joys which he had while he was preparing food.  微波炉本身并不能烧出烤鸡什么的，主要是超市卖熟食/半成品的多了。例子如果换成家附近开了个熟食店会比较恰当。

Today the ways of cooking has become simpler, which enable us to spend time on something else, but it does not enhance the quality of our lives. Maybe the easier to prepare the food, the more cook would lose their jobs and the less happiness we would have. Overall, although food is easier to prepare, it does nothing to improve the way people live. 最后的nothing太绝对了，你之前也写到了其好处。
gdgzwkm 发表于 2009-8-9 12:50

jiang08UID：2391146

第一篇：题目：the cars has had a greater effect on the society than the airplane
agree
我的观点：1飞机适合长途 旅行，对我们日常生活作业不大
          2 费用昂贵
感激之情 难以言表！麻烦了dear buddy ...

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Technological advancement has kitted the world to be a seamless web of information ,in which people are able to get the requisites much more easily than ever before. Obviously ,nowadays we can never imagine living in a world that there is no cars for traveling to offices. thus I definitely agree with that cars play a more crucial role in our life .6 V# T) N: s7 s8 N

To begin with, airplane enjoys a high popularity because of it’s fastest speed, comfortable environment, low safe accident rate, and so forth. However, compelling these cases may sound, airplane may give rise to a number of problems. For example airplane is only for long journey, little（less） convenient to（for） （common多余） daily use. Hardly can you find a man go to work and back home by plane in our city. with cars we can smoothly go through the city for various use including go（ing，后面自己改拉） shopping, pick up child ,travel to offices and the like.In this sense, plane cannot compete with cars in daily routine for most of us. Therefore, too much emphasize on plane is actually superficial.- g9 u8 ~5 a) Q( Q3 K& ~

Another problem of plane is that the fee is probably beyond your budget, no one can deny the fact that airplane is the most costly transportation vehicle and in the past only moneybags and notable person can enjoy such medium,（句号） in most cases, the expense is several times higher than cars and train . Taking my personal experience for instance, every semester I choose to by train go home from school（by train放在这里）（缺，which） only cost（单数） approximately 300 RMB while the expense of plane can reach 1200 RMB .As a student I prefer to by train or car rather than the more enjoyable plane.不得不说你这里跑题了， 你在比较train和飞机，但题目是car。所以要从汽车和飞机的费用上来比较。

On the other hand, car can address some people’s needs that plane cannot. For one thing, on weekends drive car for an picnic or outgoing is a good way to relax and an wonderful opportunity to get close with family. For another, cars run on the land that can satisfy those people who have acrophobia.5 ?- B& [% s0 i* k" b/ F
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In conclusion ,as mentioned above （and our common knowledge多余） airplane is a（an） essential part of our life that we can also never imagine living in a world that without airplane. Nevertheless, if compared to cars（缺逗号） airplane undoubtedly has a relatively less effect on our life.
HYPS2011 发表于 2009-8-9 20:47

jiang08UID：2391146

第二篇，麻烦楼主了% \9 @( J6 ^  Z) r
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Do you agree or not that observing and studying animal's behaviors is useful to know human nature?

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With the publication of Darwin’s masterpiece “Origin of Species”, the very book that paved the road for modern evolutionary biology, human started to view their nature in a revolutionary way. Human nature, claimed by people of the time, is no longer an embodiment of deity or mundane moral but a refinement of animal natures, and thereby, can be understood through systematic observation of animal’s behaviors. This statement, however sound in its feasibility and usefulness, is not entirely correct--- we might find part of the truth of our natures through such method, but not all of it. 没看出你的论点是什么？对于题目是支持还是反对？并且要注意题目和你所说的达尔文的观点有区别

No one can deny the fact that by studying animals’ behaviors we have learned and will continue to learn much about our natures, but only those concerning our basic needs are reliable enough. Through a broad observation of animal’s behaviors did human generalize the instincts that play elementary roles in animal’s natures (including human’s): physiological need—food, water, sex, shelter, breeding and basic social need—love, safety, and socialization. A study by Psychologist Harry Harlow showed a lack of socialization may cause irreparable psychological and mental damage: raised in bare wire cage and deprived any physical contact with their companions for several months, baby monkeys were observed to have various abnormalities such as blank staring and self-mutilation after released; and when they were reintegrated with normal monkeys, Harlow found little rehabilitation in the testees. This experiment thus demonstrates an indispensable social need for cognitive development in human natures, which is later proved by the revelation of the function of cross section in human Thalamus.

However, rarely can we fruit anything by merely studying animals when we attempt to learn those natures intertwined in the net of our culture. Humans are so unique among other animals for their endowment of creating culture on the texture of daily life, in which arts stand out as sublime creation that can only be understood in the light of human aesthetic nature. Beethoven’s Sonata, Yeats’ lyric, Constable’s landscape and Bernini’s statuary, such arts make us stop, linger, intoxicated and even astounded by their ravishing beauty, while are generally indifferent（indifferent翻过来用：while other creatures are generally indifferent to these arts.） to other creatures. It is culture that nurtures our art appreciation (appreciation for art), the most sophisticated and abstract form of human nature, which can only be dimly understood by studying animal’s aesthetic faculties. 最后一个啥意思？

Even more dangerous is the intentional analogy between animal behaviors and human natures. Such is often the case when observers study their subjects incomprehensively or when interpreters attribute specious human natures to animal behaviors. Consider, in history, there are numerous occasions my（we） may recall: when Spencer’s theory prevailed in both side of Atlantic, when Raymond Dart’s defining human as the killer ape, and when the massacre began in the war-stricken Europe, no one would forget their claim “survival the fittest” and the overwhelming proof from animal’s behaviors. In these cases, learning human natures through analogical animal observation is not only distorting but even disastrous.

In general, the word “useful” is rather a tricky one for it cannot be understood literally. In order to achieve usefulness through animal study, we must take every dimension into account: the level of nature we study, the culture background the nature concerns, the accuracy of our observation, the feasibility of the analogy and the ethical problem it may bring. After all, we won’t expect a misleading study to debauch human natures, although they are not as perfect as we think.
nevergohome 发表于 2009-8-10 11:13

总体来说思路很开阔，论证的例子很充实，语言也相当地道。唯一不足就是论点有些模糊。如果练习的时候是计时的并且没有参考其它资料的话，绝对是高分作文，加油。

tinaguiUID：2635351

every semester I choose to by train go home（by train放在这里） from school（缺，which） only cost（单数） approximately 300 RMB while the expense of plane can reach 1200 RMB

我觉得这句怪怪的 所以我改的是 every semester i choose to go home from school by train, which..blah blah blah~ 这两句都可以用 只是我说的by train放后面是美国人的常用作法 比较common 没有恶意 鞠躬~

jiang08UID：2391146

Title: for government, the best way of energy conservation is to raise the prices of gasoline and electricity.

The problem of energy conservation is becoming more and more urgent for our world, especially for nonrenewable resources, such as gasoline. Therefore, the government has taken a series of measures to protect energy. Some people may argue: raising the prices of gasoline and electricity is the best way of energy conservation. Does raising prices of gasoline and electricity have negative effects? The answer is yes. It（Are） there any other measures better than raising prices? I believe it is also yes. My views can be substantiated by the following arguments.

To raise the prices of gasoline and electricity can not protect energy in effective way and even will arise（raise） a negative problem. First, even though raising prices of gasoline and electricity can reduce the utilization rate, the energy will still dry up eventually. In other words, it is a negative measure and can not reserve energy for human beings. Second, to raise the prices of gasoline and electricity will increase people's burden, especially for those who live under the poverty line. Therefore, raising the prices is not the best way to protect energy.

To improve the awareness of energy conservation in people is better than to raise the prices of gasoline and electricity. This is because the idea that improving people's awareness of energy conservation far more outweighs improving the prices resembles the notion that the awareness of health protection outweighs illness treatment. (这句话不知道逻辑有没有问题，没有的话,这么写对不对,有无其它表达？。我想表达：保护能源能意思就像健康保健一样，对身体来说，保健比治疗更重要更积极，同样映射在能源问题上)（这个表达是能看懂，但对于这个类比我不太能理解，个人认为两者的本质问题是不一样的，另外提高意识重于提价这句话连续写了两遍，看看能不能放进定语从句里？） Government should use media, such as advertisement and internet, to publicize the importance of energy conservation. For example, a famous worldwide activity--"Earth Hour"-- is a global event organized by WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature)（一般缩写在括号里，如果后文不再出现，也可以不要缩写） and is held on the last Saturday of March annually, asking households and businesses to turn off their non-essential lights and other electrical appliances for one hour to raise awareness towards the need to take action on energy conservation and climate change.88 countries and more than 4,000 cities joined Earth Hour 2009.The Capital city of India, Delhi's power demand fell（dropped） by 1000MW. Thus, more and more people know the importance of energy conservation. Do not think the example mentioned is persuasive? 最后一句反问什么意图。。？总体来说这段写的很好，尤其是那个例子，但我仍然不理解那个类比。。。

There are many other measures need to be considered as well. For electricity, government should invest more capital on developing electricity factory based on renewable resource（复数）, such as hydro energy, solar energy and nuclear power.（建议在这附近加上affordable，因为这些能源现在不是没有，问题是太贵，不能畅销） Utilizing nonrenewable resource can make supply of energy forever. But nonrenewable resources are unstable, so how to store this energy need to be solved. For gasoline, government could keep looking for some new resources to replace gasoline（for replacement 避免重复汽油这个词）. It will not only protect energy, but also reduce the pollution. (这段会不会多余？因为没有直接反驳其它方法比涨价更好) 不多余，而且很重要，说明其它比涨价更好的方式

W
In conclusion, from what has been discussed above, we know raising the prices of gasoline and electricity can not protect energy in positive way and will （加个even更顺）bring negative effect. However, improving the awareness of energy conservation from（in） people is a more effective measure, also there are some other measures could be taken. （other new resources that could be utilized ）
libra5 发表于 2009-8-10 16:13

jiang08UID：2391146

every semester I choose to by train go home（by train放在这里） from school（缺，which） only cost（单数） approximately 300 RMB while the expense of plane can reach 1200 RMB

我觉得这句怪怪的 所以 ...
tinagui 发表于 2009-8-26 00:56

没事儿 那句是很怪  谢谢啦
其实我是倾向不要from school的

tinaguiUID：2635351

没事儿 那句是很怪  谢谢啦
其实我是倾向不要from school的
jiang08 发表于 2009-8-26 01:01

点头 我也同意 有点画蛇添足 有的时候句子简单明了也是一种风格

jiang08UID：2391146

呵呵，太谢谢了，本来是对个人语法很自信的，但发现自己还是纠结于中式思维中。。。2 ^- Z+ A" W0 n8 ^
真实辛苦您了，如此耐心的批改，这几个代词、语序的问题是令我很纠结的。/ s1 N" n& D/ r, H; c% G
本来打算是先写课程好处的，然后发现题中的“every”，另外是针对child,觉得child容易出问题，有必要论证一下“教育的必要性”，也算是对未来影响的估计，个人觉得比平铺3点要好些，关于“good ones”“right way”确实笼统了些，但真的不知该如何展开（在我而言，我这里的good也仅限于不受不良文化的影响）$ Y5 r0 C/ |# S7 L0 K
关于举例上，用太多自己的例子会不会不好，比如关于peace和love的说成自己的是否略显片面。
另外，还想请教一下，总觉得自己这三点有些太散了，请指教
gaovenivv 发表于 2009-8-11 00:48

关于“good ones”“right way，不知道你具体想表达什么观点呢
你说的love peace的例子，我觉得用个人事迹没有问题，正是因为自己的才不会片面，全人类的你能都顾及到嘛？
最后你说3点比较散，可以考虑从一个孩子所需要的不同角度的塑造写，比如需要 智慧，爱，XX（我没看懂的那个观点），三者一起孩子才会成长的更完善