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[作文] 08的作文修改小铺子 [复制链接]

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发表于 2009-8-11 09:20:42 |只看该作者
最后一篇,买企业还是买房子,多谢啦~~ 以后请写完整的题目,谢谢配合
Faced with the choose(名词) between house and business, the majority of people believe that start(ing) a business like Bill Gates is one person's life goal, so start(ing) a business is more important than buy(ing) a house. As opposed to commonly accepted ideas, I believe that house is our home, our wonderful investment and also a source of extra income. If I had enough money, I would choose to buy a house. 你说开公司是大部分人的观点,这有待论证。建议写“有些人”就好了。

Undoubtedly
start(ing) a business is a huge challenge for people. When the founder works hard for the company, he/she can learn a lot of new things, make many different new friends. If the business succeeds, it will definitely give the founder a lot of happiness and confidence. But how many people can enjoy the wonderful time of success? According to the statistics, only 10 percent of new companies (缺动词)alive after one year, and the proportion will be smaller after that. The risk of lose(losing) a business is extremely big. That means, the founder may possibly find that he/she lose(单数) everything after a year's tough time.


Unlike the business, buying a house is an excellent safe investment. In the long run, the price of house will never go down because the population in the world keeps rising quickly 这个很明显不对啦,现在全球房价都不同程度的跌,尽量避免用never之类的词,写一个总体趋势还是可以的, but the land suit to live(suitable for living) on the earth is not changed. Thus, the house, like insurance for the owner's family, can be sold someday on a higher price. Also, the price of house growing can beat the inflation. 这个观点很好,只是房价不一定稳涨。你可以说不动产和动产相比更稳定,小风险。


The other reason to buy a house is that house is our warm home. Everyone need a home because the home gives people the feelings of safety, relaxation and happiness. Considering people may often prepare to move to other places, they do not want to decorate their rent house well. So one may not feel good when lives in a rent house. In the rent house, people may feel unsafe, lonely and also other bad feelings. 这里如果能补上:相比较的,home会怎样sweet,人们怎么花心思来照料它  就更好


Taking into account all these factors above, we may safely come to the conclusion that it is a far better idea to buy a house rather than a business, although both of them have their own advantages. A house is a warm home and safe investment. In addition to these reasons, you can also rent out your house to someone else, thus creating an extra source of income for yourself.

hugh0421 发表于 2009-8-6 22:33

首先请注意动名词短语才能作为句子的主语,直接用动词是不行的。and介词后面跟动名词形式
论证的几段都写得相当好

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发表于 2009-8-11 19:17:05 |只看该作者
最新写了一篇,恰了时间做了,望拍砖

41)        Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy — computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation.
你的学校有一笔钱足够为学生购买计算机或者为图书馆买书。 学校该买什么?

Which one should be purchased, computers for students or books for the library, considering that our school has enough money? Since schools are established to teach students not only what to learn but also how to learn, a purpose to teach them the means of learn anything in their daily life, I agree with the decision that our school should buy some computers for students.
Admittedly, first, with the same amount of money, decision-makers could buy a larger quantity of books than computers, because the prices of books are highly competitive. That one hundred dollars means just a monitor of a single computer, but for books, it can fill a small bookshelf. Apart from the point I just made above our school also have plenty of choices to buy different books for library which range from physics to chemistry and from music to painting.
However, that is not to say, computer is less important to students than books, especially nowadays. First let us look at that the knowledge on books will not update itself. As a result of the unbelievably rapid development of our science and society, they are changing dramatically every minute even every second. Using computer can not only help students know the latest about the course they are learning, but also build an avenue of how to learn from internet through internet tools such as google. To give a demonstration, when I once wrote my final paper for the graduation, I found that the books in our library is not sufficient to meet my request, therefore I turned to the internet that contained virtually everything I needed. Moreover, just as the school must have enough room to store so many books, so a large number of books require a larger library sooner or later. Unlike the cost of books, the cost of building a larger library is massive. Finally, sitting and learning in front of a computer is much easier than running among the shelves and picking up and back the books. If you really did a research before, you must know what I am talking about.
In conclusion, for the most part, I support the proposal that the decision-makers of the school should purchase the computers for students instead of the books. I believe that computers can do what books can do, but conversely maybe not.

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发表于 2009-8-11 20:06:14 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 MTRL2009 于 2009-8-11 20:12 编辑

我很罪恶的贴过来了。。:sleepy: :$ 速闪。。
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-993929-1-1.html

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发表于 2009-8-11 23:00:46 |只看该作者
谢谢MM
Test2 - Topic 5
Which is better, doing work by machine or doing work by hand?


In the modern world, technology is developing very fast. Thanks to the technology, we don't need to do things with our owe hands, because we can use machines to do things instead of us. And the advantages of doing work by machina are very obvious. The reasons are as follows.

First of all, the machine can do the work much faster than the human beings, in other words, it means that machine is more efficient than us. The machine will never be sick, we don't have to worry about when it is not able to work because of its health problems. Besides, the machine can work all day long, while our human beings have to go to sleep in the evening. My uncle runs a factory which produces the TV sets. Since he bought the machines which were used to produce the TV sets instead of workers, his productivity has been greatly increased.

The second reason is that by using the machine to accomplish the work can save a lot of money. Machine does not need income. They can work without weekends or holidays and you do not have to pay for them even one cent. Meanwhile, machine will never be hungry, and the owner of the factory does not have to provide the machine with meals during the work time. And in this way, the cost is saved.

Finally, I would like to say that machine can  do a lot of work which requires accuracy. You see, while we do work by our owe hands, we may not fully control our hands. We may shake our hands during the operation. And in some occasions, even the slight shake may cause the failure of the operation. And at this time, we do need  the help of the machine. It can help us do the the work which should be very accurate. For example, when a patient needs a operation in the heart's tissue, we do need the help of the machine to finish the task.

All in all, I think machines can be very effient, reduce the cost of production and do a lot of work that we can't do. So while doing the work, the machine will be better.

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发表于 2009-8-12 07:56:26 |只看该作者
okay. 我再也不贴了。。。

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发表于 2009-8-15 11:29:45 |只看该作者
= =楼主为什么越过了我的文章~``

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发表于 2009-8-15 21:22:22 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 fancyww 于 2009-8-15 21:23 编辑
没看出你被issue影响了啥……论证的很生动,语言也不错,加油
jiang08 发表于 2009-8-10 13:07


谢谢点评,lz对一些细节和单词用法的注意真让我受启发,这么一改好多了。

等mm重新开张了我再来请教。

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发表于 2009-8-21 03:41:41 |只看该作者
麻烦啦,谢谢!
Topic: Does modern technology help students learn more information and learn it more quickly? 题目确实是and?之前有同学写的是or,我不知道是什么情况……暂且照and来点评哦


The answer of this statement depends on students' own experience and life style. In my point of view, the modern technology does help the students (to多余) learn more information and learn the knowledge more quickly. Among countless factors there are 3 conspicuous aspects as follows.

The main reason for my propensity for modern technology does benefit students a lot (reason后面的东西太长很拗口,建议:One of the main benifits that modern technology can bring students) is that students do not have to learn the knowledge only by means of reading books, (句号) they can have multi-media ways to learn the knowledge. The multi-media makes the way of learning much more interesting and much more lively,and therefore, the students will find it much easier to understand the meaning of what they leant. 具体多媒体是指哪些?这些媒体又如何帮助学生理解了?T作文就是要把泛泛的理论分解到底。举例的时候注意和没有高科技时的学习对比。

Another reason can be seen by every person(obvious reason) is that with the development of technology almost every family have the facilities with(access to) the modern technology, such as television, computer and so on. And in this way, it becomes very convenient for the students to get the information. By using the computer, students can surf the Internet which has a great deal of knowledge. 同理,什么信息?Besides, they can also watch TV to get a lot of useful information and broaden their range of knowledge. 这里TV和网络都是一个作用,分开写并不能增强论证的逻辑性。要写出具体内容。举个例子吧,你这段开头其实是写家里都有网络很方便get most updated info right away,那么可以说以前你学习遇到问题必须找学校老师/朋友询问,还不一定能有答案;而现在在家里鼠标1点就能看到很生动全面的解释了。帮你把这个论点稍微修正了一下,因为你后半段说的获得信息多其实应该是上一个论点的,具体怎么展开你自己考虑吧。

Further more, with the modern technology, the students can have interconnection with their classmates even if they are (at home,多余) not in the class. Thanks to the modern technology, they can have face to face talk via video connection as if they were in the same room. They can talk to each other and exchange their points of view, needless to stay in the same room. Meanwhile, the teachers can also instruct their students online if their students have any problems, and therefore, the students will learn better. 你说得是网络教学吧?要把online education这个关键词在第一句写出来,不然会以为你说课余同学们没事就视频。。。


All in all, the new technology has changed the way of learning. Thanks to the new technology(可以用it代替), students can have mulit-media(什么叫学生可以有多媒体。。而且前半句就是说多媒体了) which makes earning more interesting,(句号) students can easliy get the latest information on TV or in the Internet and students can even have interconnection with others even if they are at home. The new technology does help the students to learn more information and learn the information more quickly.


keppel_tu 发表于 2009-8-7 00:06


不好意思哦 每次改1篇
你的论证目前比较空,没有很多具体的内容,自己写的时候多问问why,ibt作文要生活化的 具体的例子更好
另外题目其实提示了两个方面:更多;更快。你不妨照着这个来写,2大段也可以。(这样和题目更贴切,不过仅供参考)

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发表于 2009-8-21 03:45:17 |只看该作者
谢谢批改!感激不尽!果然在有限的时间内写文章还是会出现不少错误。
想问一个问题。OG第七题说 How do movies or television influence the people's behavior. 像这样的题目列举了movies和television两个那么文章是把这两个看作一个整体写还是分开写呢?再就是如果写的是the influence of people's life 算不算跑题呢?lxriris 发表于 2009-8-7 21:15

题目用的介词是or,所以我觉得把其看成一个整体
换言之,题目问得对象其实是media such as movies and television,这样应该比较好理解吧
至于life和behavior我觉得写出来差不多的

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发表于 2009-8-21 05:14:58 |只看该作者
72. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Grades (marks) encourage students to learn. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.  

再次麻烦您了
提纲
1:成绩帮助学生了解学习状况,所以促进学习
2:成绩可以引起同学直接的良性竞争,而这种竞争促进学生不断学习
3:好成绩可以增加成就感,自信,而这积极态度促进学习
综上,成绩促进学习。。
--------------------一边倒了...   其实一边倒无所谓的

When it comes to the topic that what encourage(单数) students to learn, people will come up with many answers, such as teacher's award, grades, expectations from parents, and so forth. From (缺a/my)personal perspective, I believe that it is grades that encourage students to learn.

In the first place(, as far as I am concerned,其实这句多余拉) I found that the grades can spur students to learn in that the marks(用they代替就好) can reflect the condition of a student’s learning. As (it多余) is known, it is the exams that most teachers(其实是教育体制在用这个衡量) used to evaluate students’ performance in learning, because the paper(exam,paper会让人觉得是发表的论文) can demonstrate that what students have learned and what they did not (master多余,用同一个动词就好,但是因为相同,就可以省略了). For example, I have taken a math exam, and my mark was not satisfied(主动). In accordance to analyzing the paper(同理) and the questions that I did(gave) the wrong answer, I (will 多余) would know what I did not acquire or what I need to focus on next time(既然前面说到了math,这里是否能加上whether solving equations, geometric problems, or just being careful in calculation之类的), and therefore I found the weaknesses myself and made a decision to correct or improve them next time. From this point, it is the grades show me that where I am wrong and what are my weaknesses, meanwhile it encourages me to promote the further study.

Furthermore, grades not only reflect what students learnt, but also can cause(start) positive competitions in the same class, which encourage(s)  students to learn more  indirectly (这里会让人误会你是说more indirectly,建议把副词放到鼓励前面,就不会有歧义了). On one hand, after the teacher hand off the paper(表达中式,改成“同学拿到成绩”较好), students will compare their marks with (缺that of)the others'. According to such compare(名词;另外用due to), the self-respect will promote students to catch up with those students whose grades are higher than them, which result(单数) in a positive competition in class. On the other hand, such competition is extraordinary(副词) essential for the future career development(重要的应该是the sense of competetion), since the real society is composed of competition and cooperation. Thus, we can safely (to多余;注意动词是can) draw a conclusion that students can learn more through comparing the marks with other students, which means that marks encourage students learn indirectly.

Last but not least, high marks, especially the mark with the one's hard work and perspiration, can help students to gain a kind of sense of achievement; it can promote(booster) student's confidence to some extent. Common sense and experience informs us that such confidence and sense of achievement is playing an essential role in a student's grown(growth). Confidence can make a student hold positive attitudes to the tomorrow(future), can make a student’s tolerate his frustration and failure. Such positive attitudes toward to learning can act as a psychological encouragement during the learning process. The more confidence, the more optimistic, and optimistic attitudes can let student be better in academic performance. That is to say, the academic scores not only bring about many positive psychological impacts, but also can promote student’s performance in sphere of academic. 这段写的太抽象了,说来说去就是能够促进心理健康,更好的迎接未来的挑战。如果我写:学生某科分数高了他看到自己辛勤劳动pay off了,有更大的信心把这门课学好,以此形成良性循环。长此以往,有利他树立健康心理。

To sum up, it is true that there are many aspects can encourage students learning, yet, I believe that grades play the most vital role during the whole educational process, not only about(about没有起到连接句子的用途) psychological influences, but also about gaining more knowledge. Grades really encourage students to learn.

--------------------------骄傲的分割了------------- 骄傲个啥。。。= =
作文究竟应该写成一边倒还是折衷写~~ 都可以
也是时gre写多了,总是想让步,再论证,但是现在看到很多人说托福考察的 well development (最后一句没错)
所以应该一边倒的充分论证... 这句我不同意
于是我纠结了...
您的意思是?
当然是看具体题目咯 我个人认为,让步是第三个理由写不出来的时候很handy的东西= =,当然2个理由也是完全可以的,总之没什么规定,让不让步看你自己喜好了
gaolingno1 发表于 2009-8-7 23:42


写的好长啊,注意定时哦

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发表于 2009-8-21 06:02:03 |只看该作者
老师的报酬由学生决定

A few days ago, the Chinese government decided to raise wages for all the teachers.真的假的。。 Then an ever-existing and fierce debate comes out again that whether the reward of teachers should be determined by the performance of students. In my opinion, the awards(首先注意:award不是工资,以下不改了) should be consistent with teachers' work and the connection between additional awards(指什么?) and the performance of students would have positive stimulation on teachers. 这句主题句很绕口,需要念很多遍才能懂;并且,你的观点要写的更鲜明些,究竟你认为什么是老师工资的决定因素?是学生吗?

First of all, awards for teachers should be determined by the sweat and the toil that the teachers expend(这个表达比较awkard,用endeavor/efforts之类的比较常见). This mostly obeys the market rule that the value is created by the labour. For instance, when I was in high school, my tutor earned more than other teachers simply by his efforts to teach students. He work(单数) hard and he is such a kind and patient one who is willing to answer questions at the expense of holidays. I think the high award is deserved for him(he deserves the higher salary) and of course, for those good teachers who care more about their work and students.

What is more, it is unfair if the teacher's payment is determined by the performance of his or her student. As (缺 is) known to all, most of the persons can only excel at one or two majors. For example, my best friend and I are all/both(?both) good at math but the Chinese is always our limitation and we always got a low score. If the teacher's payment is closely combined with our scores, our Chinese teacher would change(缺to) another career to make life on(?) with no doubt(逻辑上不太严密,你们俩的成绩差不能代表他的所有学生成绩都差,更应该避免这么绝对的表达) while our Math teacher should be win(winning) more awards. That is to say the students' performance is greatly(这个一般用在enhance,appreciate这类积极的动词上较多) determined by themselves. The interest, the self-motivated attitude and so on should be the main contribution to the students' performance rather than the teachers' effort.

Last but not least, it is a good method to stimulate the teacher to pay more time or energy on students by paying additional awards according to the performance of students. The teachers' experience, suggestions, ways to release stress and thing like that will undoubtedly help to improve the performance of students. 这里最好能写1下两者互相促进的关系

Based on the reasons listed above, I think it is unfair to determine teachers' awards(salary) by students' performance. However, some extra awards(award是指这里这样的额外奖励,不要和日常的工资混起来) concern with the students' performance will enhance the teachers’ enthusiasm. 这里论点就说得很清楚了,开头也需要so explicitly expressed.
tigerzx 发表于 2009-8-8 12:01

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发表于 2009-8-21 06:04:26 |只看该作者
= =楼主为什么越过了我的文章~``
瑞贝卡R 发表于 2009-8-15 11:29

没有呀
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-978675-25-1.html
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发表于 2009-8-21 06:27:07 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 jiang08 于 2009-8-21 07:16 编辑
请jiang08指教 谢谢

Making decision on one's own or having others make decision for us.

People always have to make decisions in his or her(注意前面是复数,这里不要用单数) life. It is often a hard or even painful moment for us to make decisions, especially the major one. Wondering whether the decision is wise or not, and what impact it will cause is something (缺that)usually makes us nervous. Hence a lot of people turn to others, like parents or friends, to make decisions for them. However, I think we should bear the responsibility of decision making solely.

The first reason is that in the process of decision making, it is ourselves, not others,(谢谢某同学提醒,这里漏了一个that) are most concerned and best informed. We possess the primarily valuable information about the decisions to be made. We are people who will be affected most intensively by the decisions. Hence it is improper or even risky to having others make decision for us, because they may not only lack adequate knowledge about our preference but also lack incentive to think for us whole heartedly.   For example, when a man faces the decision of choosing a job from several offers, he may go to seek advices from people around him. But there is no one who could make a judgment better than the man himself. In fact, other people are naturally inclined to focus on some superficial indices such as income, but more significant factors, such as how much the man is enthusiastic for the offer, could only be answered by the subject alone. 这段论述很好很流畅!

Another important reason to insist on making decisions by oneself is that it could help one to learn from his or her experiences better and enhance the ability of making decisions in the future. If you take(make) efforts to make the decision by yourself, you will be in a better position to evaluate the pros and cons of the process of decision making when you review it later. You would more easily detect where the problem is and how to handle it in the next time. In contrast, if you have others making the decisions for you, you will only get some good result if you are lucky enough, but you ability will not be improved at all.  这里能加个生活里的例子嘛?比如父母帮小孩决定大学的major,不利于小孩对于自己未来的衡量,毕业的时候还是找不着方向。

So to sum up, making decisions on one’s own is very beneficial, it(which) could result in a more sound decision and improve our capacity of decision making even further.
perception 发表于 2009-8-8 17:20


文章虽然不长,但是论证的非常好,语言也很地道
keep up the good work

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发表于 2009-8-21 06:40:16 |只看该作者
it is ourselves, not others, are most concerned and best informed.
怎么这个句子感觉怪怪的。。。
OH YEAH~考试考试再考试!

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发表于 2009-8-21 07:13:13 |只看该作者
Do you agree or disagree: A zoo has no useful purpose.

1.        Disagree
2.        Because a zoo can make children happy and give family a place to enjoy their children.
3.        Because I will acknowledge people some information(?) about the animals and widen their horizon.
4.        However sometimes zoo shows like a prison to wild animals, but we have find some solution to solve this problem like set the zoo into the forest or at the inhabitant which animals live.


When zoo has been settled in many cities and many people get chance to see some rare animal in the cities, an argument which illustrate a opinion that(whether) zoo are useless is rising among citizens. For me, a new adult(为什么要提到 a “new” adult??), I do not agree (the thought 多余) that a zoo is meaningless, because I have got so much joys and knowledge from the zoo, and feel happy there is a place for us that living in the towns(town or city?) to get close to the nature. 语法上注意单复数 主谓一致 名词可数/不可数 不帮你一个个改了

To begin with, I concede(为什么要勉强承认?并不是让步的论点) the opinion that the zoo is a fantastic place to get family happy and closer, because it is a place for children to get fun and fulfill their curiosities,句号 on the other hand, when children get happy, they can bring the whole family more laugh and joy. For instance, when I was a little boy, I like wild animals very much and I showed a lot of interests in them, so when my parents took me to the zoo, I can see the animals which we have mentioned a lot for real and get excited. I kept talking to my parent about the tigers and the birds I had seen in the zoo, when I was describing them, I made my parents laugh a lot. Till now, it is a sweet memory for my whole family. 用自己的生活经验来写很好

Furthermore, we can learn much knowledge and the character of the rare animals in the zoo as well, because most of the knowledge we can get is something like the profile voice ? and food of wild animals which is easier to keep in mind when we touch and observe them by ourselves.(为什么只说声音和食物呢?也可以像你之后写的,提到动物的尺寸,颜色,真实地生活场景) For example, my parents used to tell me that most of the harmful snakes have a very colorful appearance, but I cannot remember it at all. When they bring me to the zoo, I saw many snakes in the cage, and I got a chance to observe they biting their prey in the cage, at that moment, I recalled my parents’ words and a remembered them from then on.

To sum up, I have to confess that sometimes to put the wild animals in a cage seems inhumane, but we have found an effective way to solve this problem by setting our zoos in the inhabitant the animals live.这个让步的观点不如不说,要不就单独开一段,不要混在总结里 In fact, the zoo benefits and teaches us a lot. Considering the goodness, joys and knowledge,(that) zoos brought to us, I support the idea that a zoo is useful.
lilingzi 发表于 2009-8-8 19:21


句型的运用比较有限,像第二段基本都是I 动词 XXX 。。。。 个人认为离IBT作文语言的要求还差一点。但是不是要你拼命用模板和不认识的big words哦,是句型的表达,以及对你已知的词的灵活运用。
语法上 除了单复数 主谓一致 名词可数/不可数 这些, 注意什么时候用过去时,文章里都没有帮你改,自己再仔细看看吧
但是论证还是不错的,论点清晰,而且论证很生活化很具体

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