1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Issue）

江雪UID：2790520

最近版面零散版友习作增多但很多都是零回复，特开此贴，方便零散版友互改。

保证本贴的秩序，请大家仔细阅读以下的条款，只需花2分钟即可。望大家积极配合，严格遵守互改规则，这样最终大家每一个人都是受益者。

参与对象：任何寄托版友，主要针对尚未加入任何小组的零散版友。

目标：互改作文。
原则：帮别人改一篇可获得被别人改一篇的资格，即权力与义务对等。

规则如下：
·选择楼层原则：接龙——按楼层由近及远顺序选择最近一楼的未被修改且具备被修改资格（点击每层楼左上角的“只看该作者”可知）的版友习作进行修改，一般是你修改贴的上一楼。不允许随意挑楼层的作文改，否则扣1声望。

·互改具体操作分三步
1、首先跟帖占一层楼写上“占位改**楼”的字样，但是不急着修改，以防被人占楼；
2、然后立马将自己的一篇习作跟贴发上来；
3、第三步才是返回编辑第一个帖子修改别人的文章。

·特殊情况：如果目前没有可供修改的文章，请等上一楼贴出来修改。

·违规将严惩：
A. 只允许接龙，不允许随意选择楼层修改，违者删习作（楼下尚未修改）或警告1次（楼下已修改）！
B. 占楼须立马修改，虽完成修改但未在24小时内按时完成者，扣1声望！
C. 只发习作或48小时内仍未修改他人习作者，警告1次！（累计3次警告将被自动禁止发帖30天！）
D. 修改他人习作应付差事者，视情况只加1声望！
E. 提倡发全文，对修改习作仅上传附件的版友，加声望会有所保留！
F. 互改两帖之外的帖子直接删除，双方有问题交流可发站内短信！

·批改要求：认真、仔细、负责。
在文中进行具体的修改，在最后提出文字上、结构上、立意上等不同方面的较为完整的评论，以及，更为重要的是，你的建议。

·习作要求：提交前首先自己用word检查语法错误并自己改到满意为止，尊重别人的时间，别人也会尊重你的时间。为方便大家阅读，可以附上自己的中文提纲。认真改作文的人可以加3-5声望。

·如何编辑？点击帖子右下方的“编辑”按钮即可对已经发上的帖子进行反复编辑。

·如何举报他人违规？请去专用的投诉＋处理贴，不要在本帖发布举报信息，以免破坏接龙规则。

再一次重申总的原则：
只有你认真修改了别人的习作，别人才会修改你的习作！

费话先生UID：2788924

好，那我先贴一个啦~各位看官请猛拍~谢谢啦~俺会之后履行我的修改义务的，O(∩_∩)O


题目：50"In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."


A few decades ago, It is not very common for faculty to working out academia. As the advent of information times, professors in some fields may no longer comprehend the rapid upgrading of knowledge by merely sitting in his attic reading books or doing some research. Yet that is not to say, all faculty no matter which field he devotes to should be required to do so. Whether students, teachers and universities can benefit from it by interspersing working with academic requires case in case analyze.
Admittedly, sometimes instructors who spend time working outside can improve the quality of instruction and hence have dear benefits to students. Since we have been in a time that all things are changing rapidly and the world is eventful as everyday pass, professors in some areas, especially social science, need to keep pace with cutting edge issues, otherwise his knowledge may be too out of date to be instructed to students. Take the jurist for an example, by offering advises as consultants, they can contact with the newest and considerable amount of cases which cannot gain from old thick specific books. Meanwhile, by bringing those precious social cases into class, instructors create a new approach, which unimaginably broaden students’ horizon and enrich their brains. Also, for those who choose to hunt for jobs after graduation, teachers with some practice working experience will be more helpful in giving recommends on what qualities in this field entail or what the current labor market are. More fortunately, in some cases, the teachers with working experience can recommend his students to some suitable positions in his working place through his own private relation net. Naturally, students can gain more opportunities from their teachers’ working experience outside academia.
Students apart, it is also probable for professors to improve their eloquence and gain higher credit through all sorts of opportunities to nourish themselves. One of my teachers in university had been living in American for 12 years, so he often encountered embarrassment after coming back to homeland since he unusually didn’t know how to express his ideas to students in native language. Afterwards, he came up with an idea that he seized as many opportunities as possible to give speeches attended by the clerks of several companies. As a consequence, he quickly fitted into his new style of instruction and become so eloquent due to his self-force to work outside academia. Further more, working in real world will bring professors enormous resources to testify and create their theories in the virtual world.
Taking feasibility and characteristics of some fields into account, however, I have to say it’s unfair and impossible to require every instructor to leave his attic for a job regardless of any other factors. Actually, some fields like literature and philosophies have little market value, therefore the professors have apparent difficult in finding jobs relevant to the field he teaches outside. The top officers of companies don’t need a philosopher to tell his the meaning of human life or we live for what and why. Moreover, other fields like physic need considerable time to conduct and observe their experiments, which seems do more good to their teaching and research career. Even worse, mindful of the possible unexpected side effect, the measure that all faculties should work outside academia to improve the teaching quality may turn out to betray its original goal. Over encouraging teachers to working outside may share the time which is necessary to preparing for class. Imagine! If all faculties are busy with business or earning money, will they lean heavily on students’ papers?
From my opinion, it’s admirable to consider carrying out some measures to improve the quality of education in university. Nevertheless, before we hastily decide to force all faculties to work outside, we should also consider the differences of each field and the possible worries. To build a good university for students and teacher, not only requiring contact with real changeable world, but also the liberal atmosphere to stimulate students to explore unknown world as Harvard’s motto says: Make friends with Aristotle, with Plato and with the truth.

zhangxiaohang1UID：2705669

题目：50"In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."


A few decades ago, it is not very common for faculty to working out of academia. As the advent of information era, professors in some fields may no longer comprehend the rapid upgrading of knowledge by merely sitting in his attic reading books(有内容删除). Yet this is not to say, all faculty no matter which field he devotes to should be required to do so. Whether students, teachers and universities can benefit from it by interspersing working with academic requires case in case analyze.

Admittedly, sometimes instructors who spend time working outside can improve the quality of instruction and hence have (有内容删除)benefits to students. Since we have been in a time that all things are changing rapidly and the world is eventful as everyday pass, professors in some areas, especially social science, need to keep pace with cutting edge issues, otherwise his knowledge may be too out of date to be [url=]instructed[/url][微软用户1] to students. Take the jurist for an example, by offering advises as consultants, they can contact with the newest and considerable amount of cases which cannot gain from old books(有内容删除). Meanwhile, by bringing those precious social cases into class, instructors create a new approach, which unimaginably broaden students’ horizon and [url=]enrich their brains[/url][微软用户2] . Also, for those who choose to hunt for jobs after graduation, teachers with working (有内容删除)experience will be more helpful in giving recommends on what qualities in this field entail or what the current labor market is. More fortunately, in some cases, (有内容删除)teachers with working experience can recommend his students to some suitable positions in his working place through his own personal network of relationships. Naturally, students can gain more opportunities from their teachers’ working experience outside academia.

Students apart, it is also probable for professors to improve their eloquence and gain higher credit through all sorts of opportunities to nourish themselves. One of my teachers in university had been living in America for 12 years, so he often encountered embarrassment after coming back to homeland since he (有内容删除)didn’t know how to express his ideas to students in native language. Afterwards, he came up with an idea that he seized as many opportunities as possible to give speeches attended by the clerks of several companies. As a consequence, he quickly fitted into his new style of instruction and become so eloquent due to his [url=]self-force[/url][微软用户3] to work outside academia. Further more, working in real world will bring professors enormous resources to testify and create their theories in the virtual world.

Taking feasibility and characteristics of some fields into account, however, I have to say it’s unfair and impossible to require every instructor to leave his attic for a job regardless of any other factors. Actually, some fields like literature and philosophies have little market value, therefore the professors have apparent difficult in finding jobs relevant to the field he teaches outside. The manegers of companies don’t need a philosopher to tell his the meaning of human life or we live for what and why. Moreover, other fields like physics need a considerable time to conduct and observe their experiments, which seems to do more good to their teaching and research career. Even worse, mindful of the possible unexpected side effect, the measure that all faculties should work outside academia to improve the teaching quality may turn out to deviate from its original goal. Over encouraging teachers to working outside may [url=]share[/url][微软用户4] the time which is necessary to preparing for class. Imagine! If all faculties are busy with business or earning money,[url=] will they lean heavily on students’ papers?[/url][微软用户5]

From my opinion, it’s admirable to consider carrying out some measures to improve the quality of education in university. Nevertheless, before we hastily decide to force all faculties to work outside, we should also consider the differences of each field and the possible worries. To build a good university for students and teacher, not only requiring contact with real changeable world, but also the liberal atmosphere to stimulate students to explore unknown world as Harvard’s motto says: Make friends with Aristotle, with Plato and with the truth.

[微软用户1]这个貌似词只能接人不能接知识吧？



[微软用户2]刚觉有点问题。。



[微软用户3]这个词什么意思？



[微软用户4]觉得有点问题，但不知道怎么改。囧



[微软用户5]这句也没读懂。


觉得长句好多啊！可能是我好久没看文章了。。。读着有点费劲。。。呵呵，没给你改主体。不知是否满意，若不满意短消息我！附上WORD文档，这样看的舒服点！：-）

zhangxiaohang1UID：2705669

经过一次粗改：望猛拍

ISSUE153 - "Students should bring a certain skepticism to whatever they study. They should question what they are taught instead of accepting it passively."

DATE: 2010-5-25 12:20:42

Skepticism is one of the resources of the invention and discovery. However, shall we doubt all we have learned? We should take a balance between the skepticism and not.

In some areas such as physical science, sociology and political science and arts, skepticism is significant. For instance, in physical science almost all the theories are based on several hypothesis. This provides us chances to doubt the foundation of these theories. But who had tried to suspect or offend the classical theory? Albert Einstein proposed that the light is photon which refutes the general thinking of the light--a form of electromagnetic wave. Aristotle disputed his teacher's scheme of Utopia and said,"I love teacher, but love the truth more." And also Pythagoras first said the earth is round, which conflict the masses but proved hundreds of years later. These all paved ways for the next invention and discovery in the future and changed human's life. Without these skepticisms, I can't imagine how our lives will be today. So why not learning with a certain skepticism?

In the process of learning new knowledge, skepticism may play the role of a guide. Finding out ample evidence to support our skepticism is difficult but useful, when we doubt the authenticity of a theory. Searching online, reading in the library and talking with friends lead us to learn more about this theory and have us to get a deeply thought of it, which may be more helpful in our further study than the theory itself. What's more, the process also trained our abilities to screen the information. In this era of information explosion, using critical thinking to screening information is a basic ability to get useful information. In addition, to ask teacher or professor some questions is a way to make yourself more active and teacher more energetic. Learning with skepticisms, sometimes luckily, a breakthrough may occurred by your skepticism. On the contrary, accepting knowledge passively without any question quells the creativity severely.

Granted skepticism is important in our study, to doubt whatever we studied is not the best, even bad, method of learning. In some subject learning how to use the apparatus is enough. As an illustration, in the subject Instrumental Analysis it is unnecessary to know the principle of these instruments and how it works. And also, when learning C Programming Language, we needn't to doubt if words defined are wrong or others like this. If we really suspect all the knowledge, we cannot use these instruments and programming languages easily. Moreover, sometimes we may get into a paradox and never get out of it. What's worse, we can little stand on the Great's Shoulders to make our lives better and better.

To sum up, students should learn with skepticism, but not whenever. Civilization begins with skepticism, but over with abusing it.

费话先生UID：2788924

ISSUE153 - "Students should bring a certain skepticism to whatever they study. They should question what they are taught instead of accepting it passively."

DATE: 2010-5-25 12:20:42

Skepticism is one of the resources of the invention and discovery. However, shall we doubt all we have learned? We should take a balance between the skepticism and not.

In some areas such as physical science, sociology and political science and arts, skepticism is significant. For instance, in physical science almost all the theories are based on several hypothesis. This provides us chances to doubt the foundation of these theories. But who had tried to suspect or offend the classical theory? Albert Einstein proposed that the light is photon which refutes the general thinking of the light--a form of electromagnetic wave. Aristotle disputed his teacher's scheme of Utopia and said,"I love teacher, but love the truth more." And also Pythagoras first said the earth is round, which conflict the masses but proved hundreds of years later. These all paved ways for the next invention and discovery in the future and changed human's life. Without these skepticisms, I can't imagine how our lives will be today. So why not learning with a certain skepticism?

In the process of learning new knowledge, skepticism may play the role of a guide. Finding out ample evidence to support our skepticism is difficult but useful, when we doubt the authenticity of a theory. Searching online, reading in the library and talking with friends lead us to learn more about this theory and have us to get a deeply thought of it, which may be more helpful in our further study than the theory itself. What's more, the process also trained our abilities to screen the information. In this era of information explosion, using critical thinking to screening information is a basic ability to get useful information. In addition, to ask teacher or professor some questions is a way to make yourself more active and teacher more energetic. Learning with skepticisms, sometimes luckily, a breakthrough may occurred by your skepticism. On the contrary, accepting knowledge passively without any question quells the creativity severely.

Granted skepticism is important in our study, to doubt whatever we studied is not the best, even bad, method of learning. In some subject learning how to use the apparatus is enough. As an illustration, in the subject Instrumental Analysis it is unnecessary to know the principle of these instruments and how it works. And also, when learning C Programming Language, we needn't to doubt if words defined are wrong or others like this. If we really suspect all the knowledge, we cannot use these instruments and programming languages easily. Moreover, sometimes we may get into a paradox and never get out of it. What's worse, we can little stand on the Great's Shoulders to make our lives better and better.

To sum up, students should learn with skepticism, but not whenever. Civilization begins with skepticism, but over with abusing it

开头简洁，但结尾深化主题不够，不过这也是俺的软肋。

首先，段间逻辑，第二段应放在第一段前，先讲个人嘛，再讲学术领域。

其次，段内的话，我觉得主题句应加强。前两段主题句都不能很好的涵盖之后的论点。也就是说，之后的论点跟第一句有点脱节。此外，主题句的话我觉得不能太含糊，譬如说in some areas ......significant, significant这个词太笼统啦，就像在说，in some areas.....is helpful，好歹在后面加个help for what 吧？

说理上，我觉得也应该再层层深入一些，总觉得issue让人被说服接受自己观点，例子仿佛就是武器，它永远只为论点服务，而论证过程的充分才能突出例子的作用。第一段尤其明显，说理不太透彻。

   优点是：语言还挺流畅的，例子也很充分。

个人愚见，不好望指教，加油呀~

maraschino1985UID：2846549

等LS贴文等了好久。。。我先发上我的习作，等LX发了习作我来改

issue 207
"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."


I strongly agree that rituals and ceremonies take an essential role in human culture history, which especially have a basic function in congealing heritages into a distinct culture. However, in this assertion, the speaker neglect other significant factors, such as arts, in retaining an intense sense of identity.

Various kinds of rituals have always been constituent elements of culture history, no matter in the past or the present. They include not only the adoring ceremonies oraganized by religions and cults, as sacraments of Catholic, but also the social rites involving Halloween parties, sports events, marriages and funerals, and so forth.

Not counting the sacred dimension of worship and esteem, rituals operate effectivly to construct and consolidate the shared moral, value, and beliefs of a society. Take Greek as an example, Greeks did not own their uniform ethnic designation in the early tribal era. But in 5th century B.C, the Greek completed the transition to the cultural community, Olympus Gods for their common belief system. Plentiful ceremonies to adore gods like Zeus, Athena, Dionysus come dowm, including the Olympic Games. The original purpose of the Olympic Games, a world-famous symbol of understanding, friendship, solidarity and Olympic spirit of fair competition today, was for honoring Zeus by ancient Greeks. And it rejected aliens to participate. But as long as someone be allowed to attend this competiton, it means an admission to the identity of Greek. Besides, Ancient rituals like this, did not only reflect and reinforce the sense of cultural identity, but also assist molding modern rites, vote procedure today for instance. Ostracism is one of the previous rituals of vote procedure, settled under the Athenian democracy in which any citizen could be exciled from Athens for ten years by Athenians' vote, though crude but undeniably the primal conformation of vote procedure. The Ostracism was contrived to defuse confrontations that threatened the order of the State, which every Athenians voted the exiles they wish to discipline by pieces of potteries. And till now, Greek ballot for their favorite candidate for President after several eras, which benefits from the spirit of the Ostracism. In brief, it is a truth universally acknowledged that rituals and ceremonies aid in distinguishing their culture from others in the past, recent and even in the future.

Furthermore, I would like to analyze the functions of rituals and ceremonies so as to unclose the magic of the rites and interpret briefly how they effect the cultural identity.

Firstly, rituals and ceremonies provide distinction and prestiage to social members, like a ceremonial bestowal of knightwood describes a debut of new knight. Knight the honor was so particular as only the descendants of knights eligible for this reward, though other young men could indeed become knights, which was nearly impossible. As long as these young men were permitted to be knights, their social status would be respectful permanently. Therefore,  ceremonies not only officialize social status, but also demonstrate distinctiveness. On the contrary, the lack of these ceremonies bring social members lost and even others' criticism.

Secondly, the reason for rituals and ceremonies is that as social members accomplish a unique goal, they deserve to high treasure and attentions. The more luxury and complicated the rituals and ceremonies are, the more respect social members pay. Like coronation of the king, which reveal the church's acception, emphasize the divine right of kings ordaining by God. In short, once the ceremony is held, it often means that some of the results or consequences set out a course.

Thus the significance of rituals and ceremonies for cultural identity cannot be overlooked since the rites have these particular phychological and social functions.

However, rituals and ceremonies are not the sole way of preserving cultural identity. Beyond that, art is the other mean to define a culture and establish its identity. Art, such as poems, paintings, music, etc., has been served as a vehicle for representation of ethos, emotions, religious events, epic heros, and so on. Liberty Leading the People, for example, in which Delacroix painted for commemorating the July Revolution of 1830, figured French people the freedom fighters.  Whenever and wherever French people recall this painting, they will perceive not only the sense of ethnic identity, but also the feeling of national pride, which making them have a diminished sense of whom they are. Concisely, the weightiness of art in preserving cultural identity cannot be neglected even though rituals and ceremonies also benefits the ethnic identity.

In sum, in order to constitue and maintain the cultural identity, adherence to both elements,rites and arts, is the key to acknowledge who they are and where they go.

追梦小木耳UID：2781857

改6楼的issue207

I strongly agree that rituals and ceremonies take (play)an essential role in human culture history, (history of human culture是不是好一点)which especially have a basic function in congealing heritages into a distinct culture. However, in this assertion, the speaker neglects other significant factors, such as arts, in retaining an intense sense of identity.

Various kinds of rituals have always been constituent elements of culture history（cultural history）, no matter in the past or the present(at present). They include not only the adoring ceremonies oraganized（organized）by religions and cults, as sacraments of Catholic, but also the social rites involving Halloween parties, sports events, marriages and funerals, and so forth. (这里是不是应该说的详细一点？比如西方基督教的万圣节、古希腊的奥林匹克运动会，而且婚礼和葬礼也是因宗教信仰不同而有所区别，是不是可以具体说说是哪一种呢)

Not counting the sacred dimension of worship and esteem, rituals operate effectivly (effectively)to construct and consolidate the shared morals, values, and beliefs of a society. Take(taking) Greek as an example, Greeks did not own their uniform ethnic designation in the early tribal era. But in 5th century B.C, the Greek completed the transition to the cultural community, Olympus Gods for their common belief system. Plentiful ceremonies to adore gods like Zeus, Athena, Dionysus come dowm, (??出现，come about)including the Olympic Games. The original purpose of the Olympic Games, a world-famous symbol of understanding, friendship, solidarity and Olympic spirit of fair competition today,(感觉奥运精神和你这句话所讨论的奥运最初的目的没有关系，可以删去) was for honoring Zeus by ancient Greeks. And it rejected aliens to participate. But as long as someone be （was）allowed to attend this competiton(competition), it means an admission to the identity of Greek
(admission for his identity as a Greek/admission to the Greek society). Besides, Ancient rituals like this, did (删，not only…but also…不用加助动词)not only reflect and reinforce the sense of cultural identity, but also assist molding modern rites, vote procedure today for instance（such as vote procedure of today）. Ostracism is one of the previous rituals of vote procedure, settled under the Athenian democracy in which any citizen could be exciled(exiled) from Athens for ten years by Athenians' vote,
though (删，though,but不能同时出现) crude but undeniably the primal conformation of vote procedure. The Ostracism was contrived to defuse confrontations that threatened the order of the State, which every Athenians voted the exiles they wish to discipline by pieces of potteries.（没看懂~~） And till now, Greek ballot for their favorite candidate for President after several eras, which benefits from the spirit of the Ostracism. In brief, it is a truth universally acknowledged that rituals and ceremonies aid in distinguishing their culture from others in the past, recent and even in the future.

Furthermore, I would like to analyze the functions of rituals and ceremonies so as to unclose the magic of the rites and interpret briefly how they effect（affect） the cultural identity.

Firstly, rituals and ceremonies provide distinction and prestige to social members, like a ceremonial bestowal of knighthood describes a debut of new knight. Knight the honor was so particular as only the descendants of knights are eligible for this reward, though other young men could indeed become knights, which was nearly impossible. As long as these young men were permitted to be knights, their social status would be respectful permanently. Therefore, ceremonies not only officialize social status, but also demonstrate distinctiveness. On the contrary, the lack of these ceremonies bring (makes some) social members lost and even (bring about) others' criticism.

Secondly, the reason for rituals and ceremonies is that as social members accomplish a unique goal, they deserve to high treasure and attentions. The more luxury and complicated the rituals and ceremonies are, the more respect social members pay. Like coronation of the king, which reveals the church's acception (acceptation), emphasizes the divine right of kings ordaining(ordained) by God. In short, once the ceremony is held, it often means that some of the results or consequences set out a course.

Thus the significance of rituals and ceremonies for cultural identity cannot be overlooked since the rites have these particular phychological(psychological) and social functions.

However, rituals and ceremonies are not the sole way of preserving cultural identity. Beyond that, art is the other mean to define a culture and establish its identity. Art, such as poems, paintings, music, etc., has been served as a vehicle for representation of ethos, emotions, religious events, epic heros, and so on. Liberty Leading the People, for example, in which Delacroix painted for commemorating the July Revolution of 1830, figured French people the freedom fighters.  Whenever and wherever French people recall this painting, they will perceive not only the sense of ethnic identity, but also the feeling of national pride, which making them have a diminished (应该是看到了画，有更多的自豪感，和自我认同感，不是减少了)sense of whom they are. Concisely, the weightiness of art in preserving cultural identity cannot be neglected even though rituals and ceremonies also benefits the ethnic identity.

In sum, in order to constitue （constitute） and maintain the cultural identity, adherence to both elements, rites and arts, is the key to acknowledge who they are and where they go.

总的来说例子举的非常详细，也有说服力
但是一般文章出现however,是强调后面的内容。但是你下面的文章内容在主要论述Rituals and ceremonies，而讲art只用了一段。因此我觉得在开头你可以说认同这种观点，此外（plus, in addition,但不是表示转折的however, but）还有其他的……
你用的很多单词貌似都是红宝书里的，我只是大概认识，具体用法不太清楚。水平有限，有不同意见可以站短讨论~

追梦小木耳UID：2781857

第一篇，望指导！！！
我的issue+提纲
48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

在历史进程中，名人、伟人的作用和群体的作用哪一个更重要。
1 定义重大历史事件：推动社会变革、发展、进步的事件、过程，对当时和将来产生重大影响。
2 群体有很重要的作用，但是个人有代表性，如现代主义建筑的兴起，某某大师提出的主张、做出的作品，产生了巨大的影响
3 个人起决定作用。如工业革命，很多农民进城当工人，为工业化做出贡献，但这都得益于机器的发明创造。
4结论：群体的力量不容忽视，但强调名人、伟人的功绩、贡献也没有错。


When studying a significant event in history, some famous individuals always stand out, while the groups of people are ignored, which in some one’s opinion, is unreasonable. Admittedly, the groups people had made great contributions, their functions are not as irreplaceable as that of famous few, who therefore deserve more attention.

There is no doubt that groups of people had played important roles in significant trends such as movements in art, yet the appearance of some talented masters had greatly influenced those movements, making them the representatives of the trends. We may take a single example of Le Corbusier, one of the most famous architects in modern architecture. Before him, a number of architects had been trying to bring modernism  in art to the field of architecture. However, it was him who came up with the five points of new architecture and applied them to his works. His proposition had tremendous effects on the modern architecture and determined what the buildings we live in are. Although, there were lots of excellent architects having made better works, which developed modern architecture, their concepts and design methods were based on the accomplishment of Le Corbusier. Thus, the study of history of architecture should lay focus on him in order to better understand the development of modern architecture. Another typical instance is the contribution the scientists made in Industrial Revolution. In 19th century, an increasing number of people came to town, supplying sufficient labors to the factories. Nevertheless, without the improvement of the steamer by James Watt and the inventions of other mechines, the industrilizition was impossible to happen. In this case, it were the scientists rather than the workers who deserve more emphysis.

The famous individuals are always playing the role of leader and decision-makers in historical events. They have been shouldering huge responsibilities while other people just give suggestions and follow the lead. History is filled with such examples as wars. Although, the victory sometimes was attributed to the bravery of the soldiers, the essential factor lied in the correct decisions and proper strategies made by the leader. Therefore, they were more worth memorizing. On the other, if they failed, it was the leader whom to blame. How one leader performed in the war could determine the result, and this is the reason for the study of the famous directors.

To conclude, the important functions of groups of people in the great events and trends are beyond the doubt. However, in comparison, famous individual’s contribution affects the social development much deeply. And studying their lives and works can help us understand the events and trends in history better.

maraschino1985UID：2846549

占楼改8L,没改完

When studying a significant event in history, some famous individuals always stand out, while （我觉得这里断句比较好，虽然我也自己也喜欢写长句。但是能断当断，显层次）the groups of people （who behind the scene）are ignored, which in some one’s opinion, is unreasonable. Admittedly( 这里应该表转折？）, the groups (of) people had (have) made great contributions, their functions are not as irreplaceable as that of famous few（fews), who therefore deserve more attention.
让步——主题

There is no doubt that 我每次都忘记这个句型，多谢提示groups of people had （have) played important roles in significant trends such as movements in art, yet the appearance of some talented masters had (have或直接一般现在时) greatly influenced those movements, making them the representatives of the trends. We may take a single example of Le Corbusier, one of the most famous architects in modern architecture. Before him, a number of architects had been trying to bring modernism  in art to （直接into会不会更简洁？）the field of architecture. However, it was him who came up with the five points of new architecture （不是建筑的不大明白这个。。是不是要稍微解释下）and applied them to his works. His proposition had（have) tremendous effects on the modern architecture and determined what the buildings we live in are. Although, there were lots of excellent architects having made(删除made，改architects with) better works, which developed modern architecture, their concepts and design methods were based on the accomplishment of Le Corbusier. Thus, the study of history of architecture should lay focus on him in order to better understand the development of modern architecture. Another typical instance is the contribution the scientists made in Industrial Revolution. In 19th century, an increasing number of people came to town, supplying sufficient labors to the factories. Nevertheless, without the improvement of the steamer by James Watt and the inventions of other mechines, the industrilizition was impossible to happen. In this case, it were the scientists rather than the workers who deserve more emphysis.
在历史重大发展中起了关键作用

The famous individuals are always playing the role of leader and decision-makers in historical events. They have been shouldering huge responsibilities while other people just give suggestions and follow the lead. History is filled with such examples as wars. Although, the victory sometimes was attributed to the bravery of the soldiers, the essential factor lied in the correct decisions and proper strategies made by the leader. Therefore, they were more worth memorizing. On the other (hand), if they failed, it was the leader whom to blame. How one leader performed in the war could determine the result, and this is the reason for the study of the famous directors.
担负了决策者的重担

To conclude, the important functions of groups of people in the great events and trends are beyond the doubt. However, in comparison, famous individual’s contribution affects the social development much deeply. And studying their lives and works can help us understand the events and trends in history better.

句式和词语用法我学到很多。没什么语法错误

就是语态我记得ISSUE里是没特殊规定都是一般现在时

我觉得让步虽然你写了beyond the doubt,但是没有写为什么no doubt。哪怕是一点理由也最好简短提一下。

其实主题里1和2我觉得都是雷同意思，所以能不能再多加个理由或者改一下。


看完你的我发现自己也有rituals 2段意思雷同的毛病。。。

原本的提纲是
A 将人们与以前的阶层、身份区别开来，表明接纳
B 仪式的重视程度越大，人们越感到神圣、受重视、珍惜

maraschino1985UID：2846549

又死局了

我先发一篇 等LX发了我来改

"In any profession--business, politics, education, government--those in power should step down after five years. The surest path to success for any enterprise is revitalization through new leadership."


How to be a qualified leader in the age of information explosion to assist the enterprise surivives or even succeeds? It is a great challenge, which is a truth universally acknowledge, for any person to grab the trend of information and guide the enterprise to prosperity. So chose an appropriate bellwether, who is inspirational, creative, experienced, and so forth, should be really conscientious, rather than elect the new-blood without evaluation based on fact.

However, the speaker's assertion that after certain years the senior bellwethers should abdicate and the new leadership will assure the success of a enterprise, is reasonalbe, insofar as these situations mentioned behind.

First is that the senior bellwethers tend to abuse their power. There exist the possibility that the senior bellwethers misusing their privilege as they have no fear of losing their power. Take Joseph Stalin, the autocrat of the Soviet Union, as an example. During the Great Terror of the 1930s, Stalin disposed his enemies by the name of "enemies of the people", resulting in the execution of thousands and the the exile of millions to the gulag system of slave labour camps. Furthermore, once senior bellwethers exert power long enough, they will probably form a cabal for conspiracies, which may ruin the enterprises' profits. In sum, if an abusive senior bellwether abdicates earlier, there will be less damages to the enterprise and its members. Secondly, if the senior bellwethers have physical, mental or phychological incapability in leading and inspiring the enterprise to conquer new battlefield. The era of exploding information leave the senior bellwethers thousands of information to deal with each day, which requires efficient long-time working under enormous pressure. The longer bellwethers' terms extend, the more pressure they burden, the less benefits their physical, mental and phycological situation. Thus if the pressure weigh the senior bellwethers down, even drain their crativity and enthusiasm for work, indeed they should step down.

Except the situations mentioned before, expeling an senior bellwether from the leading state just because he have been in charge for five years? That is ridiculous. Since when the longevity of leadership becomes rational excuse for demanding to someone's abdicate? Actually, not every senior leaders who takes in charge over five years should be removed, as long as he obtains wealth of experience in the pofessional area, or as long as the area necessitates stable strategies provided by stable leadership.

To some extent, which kind of leadership an enterprise or a field needs depends on many considerations, such as the nature of business, the stage of development, the political policy, and so forth. A five years may be long enough for a freshman to graduate from college, but not enough for vibrating a certain industry or a developing enterprise. Some industries need steady leadership for stable policies and financial support in their developing or vibrating stage, such as heavy or light industry. China Business Weekly once interviewed a Chinese government minister in charge of textile industry, and he said that the stable leadership plays the crucial role in taxtile development, which guarantees the steady policies textile companies hightlight. Furthermore, some certain professional fields cannot prosper with bellwethers obtaining little experience or insignificant social network, for instance, law firms or public relations companies. Usually, the senior bellwethers always own more experiences than the new ones about how to accumulate immense fortune and how to operate enterprises normally. Especially when enterprises fall in a quandary or face unpredictable conditions, they will conduct enterprises out of dilemma by absorbing the assistance of erstwhile experiences or social connections. In brief, without full-scale evaluation about the enterprises and the concrete person, I mean the senior bellwether, deposing a leader with rich experience and rich resources would potentially harms the enterprises.

So far, an apparent bifurcation comes, one senior bellwether with abundant experience and resources, and one new bellwether bringing new fresh, blood and ideas. Abandon any side would not be perfect, which means that using the experience and social network of the olds to fetch up the news' absense, and combining with the inspiration of the news' is the final good choice. Admittedly, don't forget the labor unions or supervision organs, which will support preventing abuse of power, and also the concils will assist bellwethers with business.


There is an aphorism said," Noblesse Oblige", which means with wealth, power and prestige come responsibilities. Neither should the senior nor the new bellwethers forget this. Whoever incompetent for being a leader should step down, but not by the reason of his five-years tenure. Eventually a leader will step down in any profession, but how and when to alter him will be determinant factors that influence the future of enterprise. As always the different situations, the different solutions.

奔跑的阿甘UID：2635861

issue 164          sometimes imagination is a more valuable asset than experience. people who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible and thus can approach a task without constrains of established habits and attitudes.



The statement asserts that since imagination is a more precious asset compared with experience, people without experience are free to imagine and can accomplish a task without constrains of established habits and attitudes. It has merit from a normative standpoint, and I agree insofar as imagination is the basis for innovation, with which people can solve problems creatively. However, the statement is indefensible, because the speaker overstates the comparative significance of imagination in terms of approaching a task.
It is true that the speaker’s assertion that imagination plays a pivotal role in achieving a mission is quite compelling. Innovation stems from imagination which enables us to analyze problems from different aspects and formulate new theories. In the meantime imagination would impell us to devote more passion to the work we are engaging in and more willings to succeed. When we are confronted with frustrations, individuals with rich experiences tend to analyze them based on conventional and established methods, theories, as well as habits. While feshman can make analysises from diverse angles without any constrains, thus they are able to address such problems with creation.
Beyond this concession, nonetheless, I disagree with the assertion. Because it overlooks the effect of experience. Admittedly, imagination contributes greatly to invention and creation. For instance, our science and technology will stay at low level and even cease to progress without numerous inventors and scientists’ imagination and creation as well as hundreds of thousands of doctors who imagine boldly and put their ideas into experiments. Yet experience constitutes the basis of imagination. The one which arises from experience can lead to a desirable result. Consider, for example, the formulation of universal gravitaion. When Newton saw an apple falling from a tree, then he gave a reasonable imagination which relies on the discipline of physics. Through experiments and demonstrations, the theory of universal gravitation was born. Besides, people with enriched experiences, of course, have performed a long time learning and practice in relevant fields; therefore they have accumulated and mastered skilled ability of analyzing and resolving problems. Thus they are the main strain who break the new ground. This is the reason why most companies would require candidates to have relevant experiences when it comes to recruiting employees.
In sum, I concede that imagination is a key determinant of innovation. Without it, it is impossible for people to get any new breakthrough. Nevertheless, we should not turn a blind eye toward experience. In fact, experience is the basis for success and a great deal of historic examples have proved that. In the finally analysis, we are well advised to imagine without any constrains, however, experiences must serve as guidance.

奔跑的阿甘UID：2635861

How to be a qualified leader in terms of assisting the enterprise to surivive or even succeed in the age of information explosion? It is a great challenge, which is a truth universally acknowledged, for any person to grab the trend of information and guide the enterprise to prosperity. So chosing an appropriate bellwether, who is inspirational, creative, experienced, and so forth, should be really conscientious, rather than electing the new-blood without evaluation based on fact.(这句话没有弄明白) However, the speaker's assertion that after certain years the senior bellwethers should abdicate and the new leadership will assure the success of a enterprise, is reasonalbe, insofar as these situations will be mentioned behind. (as 后面应该接从句)

First is that the senior bellwethers tend to abuse their power. There exists the possibility that the senior bellwethers misuse their privilege as they need have no fear of losing their power. Take Joseph Stalin, the autocrat of the Soviet Union, as an example. During the Great Terror of the 1930s, Stalin disposed his enemies (opponents) by the name of "enemies of the people", resulting in
the execution of thousands and the exile of millions

to the gulag system of slave labour camps. Furthermore, once senior bellwethers exert power(authority) long enough, they will probably form a cabal for conspiracies, which may ruin the enterprises' profits. In sum, if an abusive senior bellwether abdicates earlier, there will be less damages to the enterprise and its members. Secondly, if the senior bellwethers have physical, mental or phychological incapability in leading and inspiring the enterprise to conquer new battlefield.（这句话有问题）
exploding-information era leave the senior bellwethers thousands of information to deal with each day, which requires efficient long-time working under enormous pressure. The longer bellwethers' terms extend, the more pressure they burden（bear), the less benefits their physical, mental and phycological situation(缺谓语). Thus if the pressure weigh the senior bellwethers down, even drain their creativity and enthusiasm for work, indeed they should step down.

Except the situations mentioned before, expelling an senior bellwether from the leading state just because he have been in charge for five years? That is ridiculous. Since when the longevity of leadership becomes rational excuse for demanding to someone's abdication? Actually, not every senior leaders who takes in
charge over five years should be removed from their positions, as long as he obtains wealth of experience in the pofessional area, or as long as the area necessitates stable strategies provided by stable leadership.

To some extent, which/what kind of leadership an enterprise or a field needs depends on many considerations, such as the nature of business, the stage of development, the political policy, and so forth. A five years may be long enough for a freshman to graduate from college, but not enough for vibrating(vibrate 震动吗？) a certain industry or a developing enterprise. Some industries need steady leadership for stable policies and financial support in their developing or vibrating stage, such as heavy or light industry. China Business Weekly once interviewed a Chinese government minister in charge of textile industry, and he said that the stable leadership plays the crucial role in taxtile development, which guarantees the steady policies textile companies hightlight. Furthermore, some certain professional fields cannot prosper( where )with bellwethers possess little experience or insignificant social network, for instance, law firms or public relations companies. Usually, the senior bellwethers always own more experiences than the new ones about how to accumulate immense fortune and how to operate enterprises normally. Especially when enterprises fall in a quandary or face unpredictable conditions, they will conduct enterprises out of dilemma by absorbing (with) the assistance of erstwhile experiences or social connections. In brief, without full-scale evaluation about
of the enterprises and the concrete person, I mean the senior bellwether, deposing a leader with rich experience and rich resources would potentially harms the enterprises.

So far, an apparent bifurcation comes, one senior bellwether with abundant experience and resources, and one new bellwether bringing new fresh, blood and ideas. Abandon any side would not be perfect, which means that using the experience and social network of the olds to fetch up the news' absense, and combining with the inspiration of the news' is the final good choice. Admittedly, don't forget the labor unions or supervision organs, which will support preventing abuse of power, and also the concils will assist bellwethers with business.


There is an aphorism said," Noblesse Oblige", which means with wealth, power and prestige come responsibilities. Neither should the senior nor the new bellwethers forget this. Whoever incompetent for being a leader should step down, but not by the reason of his five-years tenure. Eventually a leader will step down in any profession, but how and when to alter him will be determinant factors that influence the future of enterprise. As always the different situations, the different solutions.

yaniiUID：2807225

issue 164          sometimes imagination is a more valuable asset than experience. people who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible and thus can approach a task without constrains of established habits and attitudes.

The statement asserts that since imagination is a more precious asset compared with experience, people without experience are free to imagine and can accomplish a task without constrains of established habits and attitudes. It has merit from a normative standpoint, and I agree insofar as imagination is the basis for innovation, with which people can solve problems creatively. However, the statement is indefensible, because the speaker overstates the comparative significance of imagination in terms of approaching a task.

It is true that the speaker’s assertion that imagination plays a pivotal role in achieving a mission is quite compelling(compelling 是很有说费力的，可你前面说它是indefensible，站不住脚的；你的态度让人疑惑). Innovation stems from imagination which enables us to analyze problems from different aspects and formulate new theories（有点头重脚轻的感觉）. In the meantime imagination would impell（impels） us to devote more passion to the work we are engaging in and more willings to succeed（是省略吗devote more willing to succeed， 不顺啊）. When we are confronted with frustrations, individuals with rich experiences tend to analyze them based on conventional and established methods, theories, as well as habits. While feshman can make analysises from diverse angles without any constrains, thus they are able to address such problems with creation.（on conventional and established methods, theories 就比 from diverse angles 好吗？不能让人信服）

Beyond this concession, nonetheless, I disagree with the assertion. Because it overlooks the effect of experience(应该和前面合成一句). Admittedly, imagination contributes greatly to invention and creation. For instance, our science and technology will stay at low level and even cease to progress without numerous inventors and scientists’ imagination and creation as well as hundreds of thousands of doctors who imagine boldly and put their ideas into experiments. （应该放到上一部分来说，你已经完成转折，就要开始说experience的好处了）Yet experience constitutes the basis of imagination. The one which arises from experience can lead to a desirable result.（不知道你想说什么） Consider, for example, the formulation of universal gravitation. When Newton saw an apple falling from a tree, then he gave a reasonable imagination which relies on the discipline of physics.（注意连接词的使用）

Through experiments and demonstrations, the theory of universal gravitation was born. Besides, people with enriched（rich，enriched 是强化的，浓缩的意思）
experiences, of course, have performed a long time learning and practice in relevant fields; therefore they have accumulated and mastered skilled ability of analyzing and resolving problems. Thus they are the main strain who break the new ground. This is the reason why most companies would require candidates to have relevant experiences when it comes to recruiting employees.（他们拥有熟练的技术就能break the new ground吗？公司要求有经验的工人的原因到底又是什么呢？是想说创新也是在一定的经验的基础上吗？说理不充分，不能令人信服）

In sum, I concede that imagination is a key determinant of innovation. Without it, it is impossible for people to get any new breakthrough. Nevertheless, we should not turn a blind eye toward experience. In fact, experience is the basis for success and a great deal of（修饰不可数名词） historic examples have proved that（prove what？）. In the finally analysis, we are well advised to imagine without any constrains, however, experiences must serve as guidance.

思路清晰，观点明确，词汇量也很大。
只是语言还不够流畅，个别地方成分太复杂，有些转。
另外全文在抽象的论述，可以适当加些例子）

yaniiUID：2807225

先谢谢下层楼友的修改
TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."
WORDS: 429          TIME: 01:19:26          DATE: 2010-7-9 10:20:53

The speaker asserts that by working outside the academic world in professions relevant to their teaching courses, faculty can improve their quality of instruction. I find this assertion can hardly hold any water for it may actually disservice the quality.

To support the assertion, the speaker may point out that working outside the class broadens faculty's horizon of one subject, provides them an opportunity to put the theory into practice. With those experience, they can better understand the book knowledge, in a way they cannot otherwise, and thus enhance their authority in the field and come up better illustration when impart knowledge to students. At the same time, the process of practice can easily disclose the flaws in the one's interpretation of a theory, which may be instilled into the students without critical thinking and misguide them in their later life.

My contention with the point: is it necessary for faculty to step out of the academy to seek practice opportunity? There is always plentiful research group in college and university. Professions and their assistances work there to experiment their answers to a puzzled questions and confirm the validity of a particular proposition. In academy without the pressure to spare regular time for a new job otherwise, they can put their available time and energy to its fullest potential. Besides, many academies in the university have established close relationship with relevant companies. Receiving fund for further research, teachers help those businesses solve their pressingly practical problems and propose a new higher efficient design. At the same time, faculty can expand their horizon by overcoming difficulties encountered in practice and, in some case, let students in for better instruction of practice.

On the other side, with too much time engaged in out-academy jobs, faculty may shorten time spent on considering their instruction problems. As the old proverb goes, a man cannot split his heart on two things. It's no difficult to notice that some profession, busy with all kinds of lectures or their own career outside college, put little attention to instruct pupils. It's hard to imagine what the college will be if all faculty are concerned with their other jobs and release them form college work.

Furthermore, it would be hard-pressed for those majoring in abstract or most advanced subject, such as analytic mathematics, astrophysics and theoretical physics, to hunt for some practical jobs. Their work emphasizes the analysis of vast data, proposes a reasonable theory for given phenomenon and serve as tools or media for other subjects based on them to move forward. Yet there are few, if any, openings in the practical world for those faculty to take.

Weighting its benefits against demerits to require all faculty to take out-academy jobs, it can be easily find how ridiculous the recommendation is. More often than not, it may disservice the quality of instruction, which requires more time and energy to pay solely.

方方土UID：2847461

占15楼的作文批改
ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."WORDS: 429          TIME: 01:19:26          DATE: 2010-7-9 10:20:53The speaker asserts that by working outside the academic world in professions relevant to their teaching courses, faculty can improve their quality of instruction. I find this assertion can hardly hold any water for it may actually disservice(disservice 是名词) the quality.To support the assertion, the speaker may point out that working outside the class broadens faculty's horizon of one subject, provides them an opportunity to put the theory into practice（固定搭配，无the）. With those experience, they can better understand the book knowledge（词语顺序understandable the book knowledge better）, in a way they cannot otherwise（没有谓语）, and thus enhance their authority in the field and come up （缺少with）better illustration when impart（词性问题imparting） knowledge to students. At the same time, the process of practice can easily disclose the flaws in the one's interpretation of a theory, which may be instilled into the students without critical thinking and misguide them in their later life.
我认为此句话是argu的论述方式To support the assertion, the speaker may point out My contention with the point: is it necessary for faculty to step out of the academy to seek practice opportunity? There is always plentiful research group （名词单复数groups）in college and university（名词单复数 colleges and universities）. Professions and their assistances(是否为professors  and their assistants) work there to experiment their answers to a puzzled questions and confirm the validity of a particular proposition. In academy(名词单复数in academies) without the pressure to spare regular time for a new job otherwise, they can put their available time and energy to its fullest potential. Besides, many academies in the university（名词单复数universities） have established close relationship with relevant companies. Receiving fund for further research（名词单复数）, teachers help those businesses solve their pressingly practical problems and propose a new higher efficient（我认为只要efficient就可以了 无需higher） design. At the same time, faculty can expand their horizon by overcoming difficulties encountered in practice and, in some case, let students in for better instruction of practice.（let后面一定是有不定式的）On the other side, with too much time engaged in out-academy jobs, faculty may shorten time spent on considering their instruction problems. As the old proverb goes, a man cannot split his heart on two things. It's no（改为not） difficult to notice that some profession（改为professors）, busy with all kinds of lectures or their own career outside college, put（改为pay，应该为pay attentionto） little attention to instruct pupils. It's hard to imagine what the college will be if all faculty are concerned with their other jobs and release them（应使用themselves）form college work.Furthermore, it would be hard-pressed for those majoring in abstract or most advanced subject(名词单复数subjects), such as analytic mathematics, astrophysics and theoretical physics, to hunt for some practical jobs. Their work emphasizes the analysis of vast data, proposes a reasonable theory for given phenomenon and serve as tools or media for other subjects based on them to move forward. Yet there are few, if any, openings in the practical world for those faculty to take.Weighting its benefits against demerits to require all faculty to take out-academy jobs, it can be easily find how ridiculous the recommendation is. More often than not, it may disservice（disservice是名词） the quality of instruction, which requires more time and energy to pay solely.  

我很菜，不过还是提一点意见啊！对与不对都清见谅
语言——还是要加强基本语法的训练（特别是名词单复数问题，句子结构，固定搭配，不定式的使用）
逻辑——逻辑方面还是很顺畅的，由承认到反对，并提出了自己的看法
论证——论证以说理为主，缺少例证。建议增加例证的论证。方法比较单一（建议丰富论证方法啊，反证法）
结构——比较完整，但略显平淡
篇幅——字数略少啊，一般都要500