16# yxwang1988
TOPIC: ISSUE41 - "Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."
WORDS: 640
TIME: 01:00:00
DATE:12/25/2009 11:37:52 PM
I agree with the writer's claim that pseudo-sciences like astrology and fortune-telling complements（语法错。Complement） the mainstream science in meeting the needs of human beings. Admittedly, people seek to find some spiritual support for things we do not understand and incidents that are out of control. As will elaborate further later, this phenomena lie （语法错。Lies） deep in the origin of human civilization. The values of these non-scientific believes sometimes promotes the general welfare of human beings.（此句语法错。而且general welfare到底是哪些方面……刚一看到这个词儿时一惊） However, taking it too seriously will also cause brutal social disturbance of violence and cruelty.（无法理解。我也就是研究研究神秘力量，没事儿算个风水啥的。怎么就颠覆社会了呢= =
论述稍微缺点儿深度，问题没有解释清楚。虽然这里在后面可能有所提及，但是这里没能让人明白为啥会导致那么严重的后果。） People understand the world in a gradual manner. （这句话实话说有点儿歧义。可以理解为婴儿们是按照某些逻辑顺序建构这个世界的……） The more we know【，】 the more we cannot explain. The evolution of Greek mythology to some extent reveals the development of early human civilizations and how we look at（不要用look at。Regarded会比较好一点。） the world. In early phase of these mythology（囧
你的单复数啥的异常不过关）, all stories are about deity and gods with supernatural power fighting with each other. Later, there comes half man half god（有点儿chinglish了……demigod或者semi god就好。） Prometheus.（这个是扯的
普罗米修斯没有人类血统） In the latest stories of Troy, major characters are all man of flesh and bone and the mythology becomes more like a legendary history.（只要说出EPIC一词即可矣） To think this through,（第一段还能用很漂亮的文字写出来，怎么到后边就是这样的东西了= =） we may easily observe the fact that people have more grip of what is happening in the world as technology advances. Fast though, there are more mysteries and natural phenomena that men cannot explain any time. As Isaac Newton put it (and I rephrase)（呵呵你自我意识还挺强的说）, man is like a little boy trolling by the sea of knowledge, delighting（ed） by the findings of pieces of seashells. There is infinity（啊……这么用这个词感觉好奇怪呀。XXXXX IS FOUND TO BE AN INFINITY感觉会好多了） to be explained properly by science and hence always things we do not understand（最后一句话读过之后……我混乱了。）. 嘛，如果没有读错的话，题目是【边缘化、妖魔化的学科们与主流学科的关系】 首先，你用古代的例子没有问题。但是如果在举出古代的神秘例子们的同时，没有让古代的【主流学科】们出来亮亮相（况且史诗与神话本身就不是神秘学的范畴）的话，这个文章这里就彻底的偏题了。 而且看过第一段之后，实话说没太理解你第一段的主要论述对象——叙事的线程并不是很清晰，让我觉得第一段好像举出了一大堆神话和史诗的过渡问题。接着刚刚看到【技术】这个字眼一闪，论述的主力又跑去说：“我们还要学好多好多东西呀！”之类的。 主流和非主流之间的关系，请再论述清楚一些。 This kind of uncertainty and fear creates a type of human need.（？啥KIND？虽然我是一字一字读下来的，但是好像还是没太明白fear在哪里。上文只说了【学不完呀】，但是没有说【学不完我可真害怕呀】。 Astrology, fortune-telling and psychic mesmerize（看来您的语法在时间限制的压力之下漏洞不少呀。多限时训练吧。） believers by imposing a psychological effect of comforting.（这句话彻底理解不能） According to Maslow, human needs can be divided into five hierarchical stages, from the lowest need of living to the top level of recognition and sense of achievement. This need of comforting and reassurance lies in the middle top level（呃我不解了……middle top是个啥概念，第二还是第三……second top不就好了么）. When an unstoppable force, say Hurricane Katrina, is tearing the homeland of New Orleans residents down, there must be something, faith, gut, tenet, whatever, to support them spiritually so that they can survive, while calming down and telling their kids that everything is going to be just fine.（这句话说得我很囧。您认为，信念、意志等等也算在考虑范围内了。我们看一看题目哈，这些东西能算在哪个边缘学科里？占星还是神秘学呢？） 在理解好题目之前不要动笔。这一段您一定是想说明：形而上的东西有用。 但是题目不是【形而上和形而下】的纷争，而是【主流学科】和【非主流学科】的矛盾。 彻底跑偏了。 Other than above mentioned pseudo-sciences, religious belief, cult and even superstitions often act influentially in human societies by promoting kindness, beauty and honesty. Mother Teresa, a missionary and nun that devoted her entire life helping the poorest of the poor people in India, providing food, shelter and health care, is a good example. This Nobelist（哥
Nobelist……不要这样说
没有这个说法，真的） of peace is after all a religious person who believes the power of god should cover not only the western world but also the poor souls that suffer from famine and epidemic diseases in foreign lands, regardless of their believes. Her motivations demonstrate the great effect of religion on human society. 论述宗教的社会意义也好，例子也很有力。但是再看一下题目：这些非主流的学科呀思想呀可以【补充】主流学科没有做到的事情。这一段之中，主流学科、思想等等的缺憾并没有体现得十分突出。红十字会没有固定的宗教性，遍布全球的NGO中大多数都不是宗教团体，但是有多少人在地球上救死扶伤？MT固然伟大，但是她伟大的独特性在哪儿？ However, there is always another side of the coin. People tend to believe in one idea so radically that they cannot stand any different voices. Copernicus, Bruno, Galileo and many other pioneers of astrology suffers from prosecutions from the Roman Catholic inquisition. Also, arising from the hatred towards heresy, people identified as witches and evils are burned to death, and this is not rare in medieval Europe. Sadly and astoundingly, similar case relapsed in contemporary US too. Eleven innocent women are burned for practicing wizardry in Salem, Boston. It sounds absurd but that is what the early pilgrims once did. As science and civilization evolves, more rational decisions should be made based on evidence and logic and hopefully less on psychic and superstition. 渐渐的你的论述题目已经变成了【宗教到底好不好】的正反两面论证了……看好题目，看好题目好吧。题目要问的是：这些东西【迎合了NEED】并且补了主流意识形态的缺。 To sum up, the evolution of human civilization demonstrates the gradual learning of the world. Science and analytical methods helped people to get a better and more systematic view of the world. However, there are gaps and mysterious phenomena that cannot be explained soundly. Thus, pseudo-sciences comes into play by providing a psychological effect of comforting. This effect usually benefits the general welfare but sometimes a more radical version of the same process may cause in cruelty and even anarchy.
结尾倒是稍微合了一点儿拍儿 但是和开头基本没有什么照应
welfare在哪儿也难以判定
不多说了。
建议：一，读题并且多做提纲。
二，多多限时训练并且把语法错误减少。
不要担心字数。这篇文章多说只能拿到三分，因为基本没有说清任何问题，还有点儿跑题。这种情况之下，把问题说清楚才是最重要的。
逻辑链什么的，就不用多说了吧。先从列提纲开始吧。
另：其实这篇文章都不应该给你改的——本修改铺的规则请好好看一遍。下两篇文章俺就不给你看了哈，原因在规则中找。
你还真是懒得审题呢= = | 
楼主: 都说了不是又八
发表于 2009-12-27 15:24:10
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