修改铺（要关门儿了哈）——BY 都说了不是又八

dayanxiayehUID: 2758697

我来碰运气，虽然我我也快考了，不过上边的小同学好急啊
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1058761-1-1.html

britney0915UID: 2760578

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1058880&extra=
谢谢楼主
不知上次还会改否？

after17UID: 2681985

希望能得到LZ的修改
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... age=3#pid1773587012

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1057558-1-1.html
楼主好人，先提前感谢了，若不嫌弃可以把你的习作发给我修改

snowdropieUID: 2741870

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1059146-1-1.html
多谢楼主了！我的第一篇作品，希望能多多指教！感激不尽~~~楼主真是好人哪！~~~

quechuangyiUID: 2761926

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1059070-1-1.html
马上就要考试了，可是写成这个样子，一直都没有进步，求猛拍啊！！！！！！谢谢~

britney0915UID: 2760578

楼主貌似消失了，不过还是来碰碰运气吧，谢谢，见附件

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

58# hyq533



TOPIC: ISSUE73 - "In most professions and academic fields, imagination is more important than knowledge."


Imagination, the unique ability of humans, enables people to mentally explore the world: we can conceive anything in our minds, whether existent or nonexistent（in the reality）. Imagination is the fount of creativity, an essential literacy in most professions and academic fields. However, without knowledge, imagination is only a reverie that could not be visualized, and it also tends to be falsely used that may bring unwanted result to the society. In my opinion, successes and breakthroughs in every arena come from the power of imagination; at the meantime, fundamentally based on knowledge.
嗯，开头实话说段落已经很清晰了，而且词汇也非常漂亮。在讨论想象力的同时让步出知识，再让步出整个文章的TS……已经很成熟啦。


To begin with, the magic power of imagination allows people to become innovative and creative, which is the paramount competence in some areas such as science and art. Looking（TAKE A LOOK） at the map, we could see that the Atlantic coastlines are so well matched with each other, but without Genger's extraordinary imagination that continents had once drifted, the great discovery and the subsequence breakthroughs in the geographical field would never have made such significant progress.（啊这个例子居然能够细化到人名，已经很好了） Laying on the vast sunflower field and looking up into the mysterious starry sky, without the fanciful thoughts longing for bright and hope, Van Gogh would not printed his masterpieces signifying his pursuit of happiness as well as denoting his desolation and despair from deadly poverty and his unfortunate destiny.（嗯虽然句子非常非常漂亮，不过建议将长句拆开不然笔者阅读可能有一点困难） It is imagination that produces the brainchild of the talents, which leaves profound influence to human's civilization.（总结得很好嘛）

这样看来，这一段从开头的TS，接下来的论述，到两个细化到人名的例子，再到结尾的收束，一步一步很是娴熟。虽然总体看来其实论述的分论点（第一段是说【想象力好】，第二段想必是【没有知识不行】，如果有第三段的话就将两种因素结合着说）并不是十分惊人，或者可以说这篇作文本身就难以突破相关的题目限制。但是这里的发挥很平衡，很节制。这一段看来写得很漂亮。


However, though critical imagination is, it could also lead to mistakes or failure if it is blindly used without referring to knowledge. For example, in the 18th century, French politicians wanted to pass（换词儿，不要PASS） Britain in domestic economy. At that time, French vintage wine（更不要加WINE） as a luxury（没有名词词性） was so welcomed and expensive in Britain. Thus French politicians naively imagined that if France traded freely with Britain, then French vintage wines would dominate the wine market, so France would earn a lot of money to cover its deficits. The foolish open-up policy of their trading door（door可以去掉） with Britain was（语法错） resulted in a catastrophe: Britain had already been a industrilized nation, the cheap and good industrial products soon defeated all the same commodities in France, thus smothering the embryo of French industry,（哈
挺好）causing tens of thousands of workers jobless and backup. The visualization of French politician’s imagination regardless of knowledge of Economics led to a devastating consequence in France's economy. Undue imagination, without the related knowledge, would not bring about a satisfying result.
嗯，实话说这一段写得也很……规矩。结构完全如上，只是只有一个例子。阐述得非常清楚明白，整体结构非常清晰。只是论述的部分（就是在开头TS与FOR EXAMPLE之间可以稍微补上一点东西，个人觉得有一点儿hasty）


Thus, imagination should rely on knowledge, if progress and discoveries are to be made in the professions and academic fields. In retrospect of history, the great achievements are almost all the combination of imagination and knowledge. From the John Nash's beautiful mind that proposed the famous game theory and equilibrium theory, J.K.Rowling's Harry Porter that gave millions of people pure joy from punch lines , to James Cameron’s 3-dimensional Avatar that has broken all the historical ticketing office records, we could perceive that imagination played an important role in transforming knowledge to wisdom, and awakening techniques to life. In most professions and academic fields, imaginations and knowledge are both indispensible.
【新东方结构】问题基本看不到：没有过分模板化的结构，也没有十分突兀的段落运行。部分地方稍微缺少一些论述，但是如果都加上去了结构也会僵掉。挺好的。
后边儿唰唰扔例子的那一段儿个人非常喜欢。看来【详略】得当的例子错杂开也是很必要的呀。学习咯。


In sum, Imagination has it power to let us travel anywhere in the speed of light without any obstacles and help us to gain a cognitive of the world by manifesting the picture and motion in our minds. Without imagination, there is no development. However, imagination should always depend on knowledge, if we want to benefit from the imaginative result expected to be acceptable and meaningful in the world.
嗯，最后一段不评了，写得很不错~而且和全文的风格也很符合，基本没有什么毛刺可以挑了…………

总：从您的文章当中学到两样东西：1.段落内结构。2.详略得当的例子。
总体看来已经没有任何问题了…………实话说这样的作文如果在限时的考场环境下也能正常发挥出来的话，那么确实非常到位。祝过两天超常发挥哈。

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

63# hyq533



TOPIC: ISSUE180 - "Many problems of modern society cannot be solved by laws and the legal system because moral behavior cannot be legislated."

（每一篇ISSUE都将近六七百字。光从字数来看这个量的确值得大赞。）

The modern society is full of vigorous development while along with contradictory interests, leading to some pressing social problems which cannot be simply solved by laws and legal systems. Among these problems, some are morally related. Due to some morality’s vague definition and undefined traits, they hardly could be（could hardly be？） clearly legislated（involved into the rigid legal system或者什么类似的说法可能会比较好）. However, some moral behaviors which are consistent with the society’s collective thoughts could and should be written into the laws as a restriction to direct people's lives and social activities.（嗯，最后这一句还是句子稍微有点儿长了……而且最后一句虽然是TS，但还需要进一步论证，并没有一锤定音的强大力量。一个是这个some究竟是哪些，另一个是如何具体立法、立法之后会不会走样，等等……嘛，接下来看下面的段子吧）


To begin with, the progress of the world not only brings us colorful life, it also breeds mind-binding problems which cannot be solved by legal system. Such problems, characterized by the obscure bound in people's ideological and moral system,（这一句挺地道~） could not find themselves a place to fit in so that laws also fails to touch. If a girl commits a（要加a么？不大清楚） suicide because her boyfriend leaves her, if a man gives up to expose the corruption of the government even if he witnesses the dark deeds（呃 dark deeds……不知道是有没有中式英语的痕迹。可能的话还是换一下……）, and if a person refuses to support the poor old lady whose son invited him to climb the mountain but fell to death, we would ask: who should be responsible for that? Who is the culprit of such tragedies? （可以看得出来，作者为了营造这个排比以及这个提问的气势，将三个事情放在了一起，但是它们的道德PARADOX却有强有弱。类似的道德现象很多很多，而在这里或许可以从更加抽象、广义的方面，而不是具体说出一二三来把这个东西说清楚吧。当然如果那样的话这一段就没有例证了，不如在上面先用清晰地抽象语言表达这样的PARADOX究竟是什么，再深入探讨一个让人一看就很束手无策的道德ISSUE。）However, laws don’t answer, and these kinds of problems still remain at issue. Since everybody has its distinctive value and conception in their morality, legislators choose to keep silent on these moral problems. （这一段的首尾叙述并非如此一致，例子稍微有一丁点脱节。可惜了。）



However, though complex the moral problems are, some of them could also and must be solved by laws.（哈
作者很喜欢用这个句式来提气势，挺好的） The legal system plays an important role in maintaining the stability and fairness of the society by restricting or even punishing some behaviors with their aims against the majority of people's moral standard, such as honesty.（句子还是稍微有点儿长，虽然阅读没有什么难度，还是建议人工加上点标点啥的） In the business for example, there are several laws and regulations defining the legal and illegal behaviors to ensure the right of business participants to be well protected. （不要连续连个for example嘛）For example（哈，三个了）, the laws validate a contract, punish those who tear it; and they guarantee the security of corporate information by inflicting penalty to those who pursue their own interest with an evil intention—corporate espionages for instance.（严格地算算，四个） Only on a legal basis could economic affairs run orderly. Thanks to the legal system, some of these moral problems have already been solved and some others are being solved.
一个人如果一直在强调什么就证明他缺什么。可以想象您的行文飞快，而在笔下会露出一点点的无意识破绽。比如作者在写作这篇涉及伦理的文章中，例子的积累并不多。强烈建议您马上去积累一些相关方面的素材。能够读出来，一旦举了例子，您的气势就突然滞涩了一下儿。可惜未能一气呵成。像上篇文章那样连贯的气势在这里并未清楚地看到。
但是总体看来这两段的说理还是非常清晰的，每一段的大意都非常清楚。总体来看脉络还是不错。

On the other hand, morality itself could not explain all the phenomena of the persistent problems in the world, for quite a few of them are mixed with too many other factors that render the laws are ineffective or legislation of such problems too costly.（嗯，从这个方面来论述好呀。但是实话说这里和第一段的最后那儿的TS既然是对应的，或许回头修改一下前面会比较好？） For example, the excessive drinking and smoking are serious problems in the modern society: they not only pollute the environment, but also are harmful to health. However, in many countries, they are not forbidden. Legislators have mainly two considerations in mind: the unemployment of the workers who are in the alcohol and cigarette companies, and tax income for government from these industries. For example, if alcohol is banned, then the operation on the industry chain would be gravely affected--the planting industry which provides the raw sources, the processing mills that produce wines, and marketing companies that sell them. Imagine that all workers from these industries are laid-off, while no enough posts to replace them ---the society would be in a horrible chaos , even more serious than intemperance among a handful of alcoholics. What's more, less tax income to the government is also an undesirable thing. Thus, these problems, could not be harshly categorized to moral issues, for they are too complicated and are related to interests with so many respects.（论述很深入啦，把道德与法律夹缝间的种种现实论述得很充分。赞一下儿）



In sum, the modern society comprises conflicts of interests and discrepancies of values, which are the sources of the legal unsolvable problems. Laws fade away in the moral and interests contradictory. But fortunately, some moral behaviors can be regulated by laws because laws are the mirrors of the contemporary moral system.（其实觉得这个some还是能够论述得更加清楚一点儿……） In the final analysis, with the development of the world, the legal system would be perfected to better protect those poor and weak and enlarge the area in which the writ may run.（哈，结尾比较漂亮，收束得很干净。）



嗯，总体看来还是非常干净。只是相关伦理方面的论述例子还是多攒一点儿，可以让文章更有可读性。

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

70# britney0915




TOPIC: ISSUE56 - "Governments should focus more on solving the immediate problems of today rather than trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future."
WORDS: 556
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-2-6 11:48:47



Undoubtedly, governments are obliged to deal with a plethora of problems-one solves but more appear.（这句话用意不明） It is not realistically（换成realistic） to solve all of the problems in time. So governments need to think out a reasonable and practical avenue to balance the society stabilization and well-order.（balance两者之间的关系：stabilization和well-order不是一个东西么，不需要再这两者之间做出抉择或者balance吧） In this situation, I strongly agree with the speaker's claim that governments should focus more on solving the immediate problems of today rather than trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future.
（嗯，偏向一方的开局。开头的文字需要多锤炼一下儿）

To begin with, immediate problems always associate with public citizens and the stabilization of the society.（其实【社会稳定】这个提法在中国本土见到的比较多，但是在洋鬼子那里并没有如此频繁的提到。可以试试看用别的说法来替换。） Were we cannot perfectly solve them timely, our society may collapse into chaos, let alone development and welfare.（囧
说得稍微有点儿夸张了吧） For example, the immediate problems in America are medical insurance reform and increase （increasing）unemployment. If one tenth of American continuously cannot find job and government unable to resolve these immediate problems, the economy of America has no chance to improve or may even more recession.（恩，这个后果可以更加具象化一点儿而不是这样泛泛地说，而且这个1/10的提法有点儿突兀，为啥不是五分之一九分之一八分之一……美国的失业率维持在七到八个百分点之间貌似） On the other hand, government also needs to pay more attention to the problem of health care, which publics have to spend almost 40 percent of their salary to visit dentist per year. In this perspective, governments should have to notice these immediate problems and solve them as quick as they can.（其实，国会预算与STATE的具体预算还是有一定区别的，不要让government成为一个放不下的写作词汇。中央政府中心主义并非处处都存在……话说你的论述看上去蛮像高中文科政治题似的= =）



Moreover, some unrealistic anticipated problems not only cost much more time and money, but may even not resolve eventually.（be resolved） The Strategic Defense Initiative advocated by Reagan government in 1985 is an exactly case to demonstrate that point. （例子还不错） That program plans to set up a firm missile defense system from out space in order to protect the country and his alliances. Unfortunately, this program on the basis of the unrealistic idea was given up after 1,000 billion dollars have been plunged ultimately.（plunge等等词用得不错~而且这个例子放在这儿还是蛮适合的。） The huge cost gravely impact America and bring a serious economic depression. Thus, if we take more attention to thus unpractical anticipated problems, it may have little meaning and even bring some worse consequences to the society.（结论句如果可能的话请尽量精炼并且总结性强。类似【如果】的说法尽量少一些会比较好？）


However, some anticipated problems seem not immediate in temporary,（immediate就可以了） but it maybe late if we wait until they are at hand. Even the environment problems have not been overlooked since they had appear, they still worse and worse（少动词） due to some governments only focus on the immediate problems of their own countries, such as economy, technology and industry, but not with an eye to the long-term in the future.（这里论述的效率稍微有点儿低） Therefore, the problems of greenhouse effect and ozone depletion not been solve, but seriously worse. Admittedly, we may not face to the end of world in temporary, but how about next generation? （同上，论述效率还是很低）We cannot only selfishly consider ourselves, but also need to think about our children and future. Also, humans are threatened by the shortage of water, power and petroleum nowadays. Even though we have enough resources now, if we wait for the time that they are totally used up, it is too late. For that reason, our governments also need to focus on solving the anticipated problems of the future, especially those problems that cannot be wait until they really happen, otherwise, they may badly influence ourselves and harmful to our descendant.
稍微看了一下，第一论述效率不高，第二例证力量不行（或者说基本没有例证呀）
Anticipated PROBLEMS到底是啥
还是没有论述得非常清楚。
论述的线很多，但是总体来看还是很乱……嗯。需要将结构更加理清。

In conclusion, the society is a huge net with many complicated and interacted problems.（发现你论述的时候喜欢用XXED的词……） They accordingly could divide immediate problems and anticipated problems. However, governments cannot only focus on solving the immediate problems but overlook some anticipated problems.（果然最后完全落到了GOVERNMENT上面呀
什么州政府呀NGO呀国际影响呀enterprise呀媒体之类的完全被你无视了，这可不行） On the other hand, governments also need to think twice those anticipated problems which they desire to solve are really deserve to. It is a pinpoint to achieve a balance between them which every government needs to thoroughly consider.（到最后终于出现了【平衡】两字。那么你在第一段里头说的【完全同意把钱投在现在而非将来】是咋回事儿呢？自相矛盾了= =

一定得学会回头瞄一眼然后修改嘛！
不多说了……

qyr1987UID: 2754639

TOPIC: ISSUE221 - "The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history."



Is to make people aware that they are to some extent in common with those in different periods the chief benefit of studying history? The answer should be partially, if not emphatically, no. They have perceived both the conformities and differences with the people at other time in history and benefited significantly from the study of history.

Admittedly, people have seen a lot in common with their predecessors when contemplating and studying history, especially in terms of their culture and tradition. To the extent that they learn their exclusive culture and tradition from being told and from recording by means of story generation after generation, history is the underpinning of culture and tradition by which some of the people differ from the others. In other words, it is from studying the history that people understand these conformities shared with their ancestors and act like their successors. Chinese people still strictly obey the moral norms and obligations told through stories- earnestly honoring their parents for instance- like their ancestors did hundreds even thousands years ago; parents in western countries still plug candies into their children's stockings at Christmas Eve and tell stories about how Christmas originated as their parents did to them; history is taught in this way and immersed itself in the blood of the culture and tradition of the country.

Also undeniable is that people truly know the differences between them and their ancestors through studying the history. In the realm of politics, history has seen the transitions from monarchism to dictatorship, form dictatorship to democratic; notions and ideas of people have changed enormously during these transitions; from thoughts fettered for fear of suppression from kings to given the rights to impeach the president, query whether people are able to totally understand these without studying history. In the cultural realm, since we have carefully studied the history, something seemed bizarre is understandable now; people wondered why there were many strange architectures near the Nile River in Egypt at first; after looking up some documents, people finally found that they were pyramids designed to serve as a means to magically launch the deceased pharaoh's soul directly into the abode of god. There are such huge differences in the realm of politics and culture, let alone the innovations modern technology brings about to our lifestyles.

However, through learning the conformities and differences with our predecessors, we finally come about the most significant function for studying history, that is, to use the regular pattern we concluded from history and the moral norms passed by history to deal with the problems we face now and may confront in the future. Francis Bacon says" histories make men wise", that is exactly in accordance with what I mean. On one hand, the achievements in the past can evoke and inspire the descendants. For example, a history of five thousand yeas full of glory and pride evokes intense patriotism, as a result, all the Chinese people are striving for the uplift of the nation. Besides, some of the ways used in the past may also be feasible or even perfect for today, the notion " Teaching according to his ability" by Confucius is a paradigmatic example. On the other hand, even more crucial is to learn from the past so as to avoid stepping into the same trap again. Consider the unprecedented catastrophe to the Jewish people which sprang from the extreme nationalism and the flames of fire extended to the whole world which was all out of Hitler's own ambition.

In the final analysis, no matter we are different or in common with our ancestors, we learn these conformities and differences through history and make it a cynosure to direct our way under our feet and the way towards the future.

自己把自己给写死了  都不知道怎么改了 拜托楼主给看看吧 拜托了

after17UID: 2681985

http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-1058439-1-1.html
再试试

海凝冷月UID: 2604584

Issue 15- The stability of a society depends on how it responds to the extremes of human behavior.

用时：53分钟   字数：434
第一次写作文 所以比较差~ 希望能狠狠的帮我指出毛病  谢谢谢谢 辛苦辛苦

The speaker claims that the response of a society towards the extremes of human behavior determines the stability of it. I fundamentally agree with the speaker's assertion, however, I also admit that this kind of response is not the sole warrant of the societial stability.

The treatment of a society towards the extreme human behaviors, especially those evil ones such as murder or arson, mirrors the bottom line of its moral value. Though differs from countries to countries, almost all communities show their determination to eliminate severe crimes as thorough as possible. Governments enact rules and regulations, and punishment if necessary, to regulate the behaviors of their citizens. China, as well as 27 states in the United States, allows death penalty for those who commited unforgivable crimes. These punishments, though seem brutal, help to establish the basic societal order which can contribute to the harmony of the society.

The extremes of human behaviors, on the other hand, represent not only the evil ones. Tremendous contributions are also included. The encouragement and reward given by the government towards those who have devoted their lives to making contributions to the welfare of people and the prosperity of society can also serve as the stimulus for its citizens in persuit of achivements beneficial both themselves and the whole community. Firstly, the government can by this way provide those misery teenagers with a shining beacon of advancement. In addition, it will trigger grown-ups to strive for acomplishments in assorted fields, which will fortunately enhance the overall living conditions the the society. Last but not the least, a favourable atmosphere where respects knowledge and talent and outstanding people can be established, which can lead the society to the track of sound progress.

Admittedly, though palys a significant role, how a society reponds to the extremes is not the sole assurance for the societal stability. There are still other matters, however, contribute to the hamouny of a society. So long as the poverty still exists, so long as the hunger and starvation are not eliminated, so long as discrimination is not thoroughly gone, there will still be potential threat for the stability and harmony of society.

In sum, the social stability, to some extent, relies on the government's response towards the extremes, whether evil or admirable, of human behavior, though it is not the sole matter that affect the harmony. Governments should take measures to ensure equality of rules and regulations, to amplify incentive scheme for those who have made their marks in respective fields, and to trackle enduring problems such as starvation and poverty, so as to ensure the stability and promote the prosperity.

bzr2915UID: 2612029

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1056111-1-1.html

谢谢啊 狠着点儿

chaliaUID: 2589767

发了两次LZ都米选着偶...丧心ing...><

看到lz改了不少issue...不知道改不改argu...我这篇argu我用的攻击顺序不知道行不行...希望LZ指教一下.. T_T...

这是链接   http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-1058798-1-1.html

附上word


thanks a lot~!