修改铺（要关门儿了哈）——BY 都说了不是又八

a08805436UID: 2725634

issue61   https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1060524-1-1.html  跪求修改

a08805436UID: 2725634

再占~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1060524-1-1.html

promiseluUID: 2761806

"It is artist,not critic,who give the society something of lasting value."
I partly agree with the speaker's assertion of that artists always have give the society valuble work.But the speaker state a unfairly positon for those critics who are also doing great contributes in history.
    critics is not only what's the name but also assume judges,second composer and "author of historical books".It might be tempting to agree with the speaker on the basis that critics could't do much but give some critique known to everyone in convetional art fields.Because the criteria of traditional art works is constant,as to judge a work by comtepory philosophy.Artist's creation according to that,critics' evaluation depends on that and so does common people's feeling.So any person who with sensitivity and common knowledge can be the critic,it does't require for special talent.

  Progress of society has to with two aspects of meterials accumulating and mind advancement.As the spirital respects,artist with higher aesthetic cogniton and adept creative skills who has affirmative responsbility for this mission.I strongly agree with the speaker that artist has do great values for human spirit lifting.Because from the view of humanity,art has the most available effect on humanity lifting,especially for today's society which is immorally meterial-desire and lackness of spirit power.But I also have contentions with the speaker as discussed below.

    The notion of critics in the modern art fields is very different.The speaker is troubling in three respects.The first has to do with the critic's judge function.The sence of feeling is no longer taking charge in modern arts,although art works are stemed from feelings.An art work is truly valuble when it comes for theoretic signification and historical worthiness.The role who is going to execute this mission is critic.Art activity always has to do with open up new world by braking rules,so nowaday's criterion is no longer working for it.And appraise of the creator is not viable when he or her involved into it,like the court will never take testimony of defentants.Ameture viewers have no professional assessment contribute to the modern art development but their subjective feelings,no matter how strong of it.At this situation,critic is qualified to determine art work's signification and give explanations for its existence.It require critic as two identification,one is a scholar with erudite knowledge and realistic datas,the other is a philosopher who has built his or her integrate systems of the world and to express his or her aspiration for letting people  understand his special aims.Only for that,people can accept his criteria for its master standard and sence. There are also supervisons from the society so if a critic making comments for his own interests ,he is no longer a equitable judge for modern society.The second identify of critic is the other creator becide the artist.The critic is guiding artist when he is not clear of what extent that his work might influent the world.Critic can tell artist what choices he had and what direction he could go,what stragedies he can use to edify the nowaday's idea and give examples and lessons of older generaions.Thus,a critic can lead a art style.That's the reason why presidents of modern art school are critics frequently,such as the very famous german art college Bauhaus.Third but not least,a critic also equal history maker who offer chances to audience to contact with art,not artist indeed.Different kinds of critical activities produce the experts,which make observation and finally the obervation consist of phenomenon which make the history.There might be some unjustifiable comments,but they also correct by other comments that means crictic is a dialetical untity which combines with countless trial and error.
   
  In sum,I agree with the speaker's assertion that artist has do great values for society.Nevertheless,critics are also improtant.In the fina analysis,neither artist can take place of critic's crucial positon with signigicant function nor out-field spectators,that's what critic has to be.

promiseluUID: 2761806

刚来不久 楼主辛苦啦

雷帝嘎嘎UID: 2762504

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1060120-1-1.html

小黄瓜的解夏UID: 2567767

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1060698-1-1.html
多谢多谢

小黄瓜的解夏UID: 2567767

啊踩着时间发的不知道成不成了。。。多谢指教
P.S 字体有点小，发的时候没有注意到，sorry了

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

85# nieyong


Issue203 "The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its heroines."

Heroes and heroines are generally regarded as the people who have the virtue that the society admires or those who contributes a lot to the development of society. But can we take it for granted that close scrutiny of the character of those heroes is actually an effective and appropriate way to understand the character of a society,（这句话说得非常罗嗦：可以尝试把close scrutiny这种套话拿掉么？）which represents the core values of the society upholds（不要告诉我你要说的是【社会核心价值】哈……不要过多地汉译英，很多概念没办法这样跨国交流的）? In my opinion, to some extent, it is justifiable. Nevertheless, it overlooks the diversification and complication of the society.（最后一句话有点儿中式了，而且看完第一段看过之后并没有非常明白接下来你要怎样论述下去，整个一段的有效信息只有两个词：diversification和complication= =不说这两个文绉绉的词儿如何，单看这信息密度还是有点儿寒的）

As an old saying goes, “A hero is known in the time of misfortune.” Heroes and heroines are made but not born. Nearly every society spontaneously chooses its heroes who are in accordance to current circumstance and they guide people’s way of thought that ultimately manifests the character of a society.（这句话还是要说得稍微清楚一点儿，把context补全。因为如果单单说【社会会自发选择这样的人】，并不能说论述得很充分。） One apt illustration involves the course of Dr King, Mandela, Castro and so forth. （这里写得还不错） They devoted all their lives in guiding people of low class to fight for democracy and freedom they deserved.（嗯，这句话可以和上文的character of society联系在一起再多说一点儿） Through trial and error,（有点儿chinglish了） hot（这个词可以去掉） national liberation movements were being carried on and the creed that "all men are created equal" was deeply rooted in every corner of the society.  In addition, as we all know, Helen Keller, worshipped for her courage and fortitude,（这个表达也有一点儿中式） have altered the whole society's perception of the disabled and even remapped the boundaries of sight and sense and the public good（public good？） has been promoted.
总的来看这一段论述得挺好的，很多词汇用得很精到。语言上来看如果能够更加地道一点儿就更好了。
在逻辑上来看，文脉还是比较通顺的，不会有很多指代语表意不明的情况。例子也挺好的。只是第一句话和下面的文意联系稍微有点儿不衔接。看得出这一段想论述时势造英雄，但第一行的old saying是衰事儿造英雄，段落的重点更落在了【英雄改变世界】上。所有的例子的重点都放在了他们对世界有何影响上。同时，最后的character of society也欠论述。稍微与初衷有点偏差，不过总的来看文章还是收拢住了的。


However, with the rapid expansion of the society, the character of it becomes diversified,（这一句话就让人稍微寒了点儿。突然又把上一段最后的character的事儿提出来。本来上文看了就不是十分清楚= =） and given the complexity of the definition of heroes or heroines, people's ideal heroes may vary completely from each other, we are unable to conclude the character of a society merely by its choice heroes or heroines.（嗯，因为上一段论述便不是很清楚，这一段也稍微混乱了点儿。行行有状元这个古话一直传下来，从古到今很多偶像级的人物都不是政治经济两个大方向的。而按照你的推论，社会上的character是越来越多，越来越杂的。不知道我是否正确看懂了你的文章，或许你可以在这里更加丰满一下。） One's hero may be a talented football player, leading his team to the top of the World Cup like Mara Dona. It may be an excellent magician, having some alleged superhuman skills like David Copperfield or the heroes saving others with no concern of death like the firefighters in the Sept. 11 attacks. Also, it may be our moral tutor Mother Teresa. There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes, we cannot draw a conclusion from thousands of heroes with different qualities.

Furthermore, the embodiment of the society's character shouldn't be confined within its heroes; it also applies to the ordinary people.（嗯，这一段其实可以论证得更长一些的……看得出时间还是来不及了。而且也不一定非得要放在【从人】来看上。下面你的论述比如礼仪呀环保呀这个那个跟ordinary people不是一回事儿呀。） Such as social courtesy, helpfulness, caring for public property, environmental protection, and law-abiding, they are all virtues of the public that build the character of a society. Simultaneously, to cater （cater to）the propaganda of media or the government, so-called heroes may be factitious and show his virtue on purpose, and this will surely lose its representativeness.（specialty？）（最后这里稍微显得有点尴尬：又跑到了hero的界定问题上。
如果在最刚开始的地方，就非常好地进行了概念限定，那么接下来的论述会省一些事儿。）

Since heroes and heroines cannot perfectly represent its society, we should have more integrated and acute perceptions. Comprehending the Institutional characteristics（？institutional……突然出现这样一个概念有点儿没法理解。这是啥呀……） is the prerequisite of understanding the character of a society. Customs and routing duties of the heroes and heroines as well as the ordinary people are also essential aspects of it.这一段为啥不和上一段合在一块儿说呢。论述有点儿着急了，没有前半部分发挥好。

In conclusion, insightful discernment of all the factors together should be carried on this issue. We cannot study the character of a society completely via its heroes or heroines concerning the complexity and diversification of a huge society.（最后一段和倒数第二段承接得非常合适，但是最后一段应该是全文的概述。关于前两段的论述不够到位。）

总体看来写得已经很好了，字数也很丰沛= =
再适应一下限时写作吧。期待下一篇习作。

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

89# susan54321





Issue 5
A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer.



The speaker's assertion that the same national curriculum rather than the academic courses decided by different parts of the nation is essential to all the students until they enter college is not without empirical evidences, but I cannot totally agree with such extreme position, because the speaker's viewpoint to national curriculum and academic courses determined by different parts is too bigoted and oversimplified.
嗯，开头很简单，而且阐述得非常明白。只是【THE SPEAKER’S ASSERTION】这些说法觉得好像是argument的开头。


To begin with, it seems that the speaker's assertion rests on the assumption that all students can enter college.（喂喂你还真是完全当成argument来写的呀……）（这里讲的是【没有能力】的问题，而到这一段后面论述略显混乱。） If this assumption can （be）set up, national curriculum which is much more broad and better balanced, can let students consider fully (about) all subjects and then select objectively their major of college（major of college有点儿理解不能
应该是分开的吧）. But actually, no society can guarantee that all students have the opportunity to go to college at present, for the reason that besides some finite educational resources, different students have different interests and talent.（这句话前后稍微有点儿不统一。开始还以为这里即将深入讨论【资源不足】的问题，结果没想到突然拐到了【兴趣天资不同】上面了。本来在TS的部分还以为你要写【没有足够的能力】支持全国的教育，结果就突然变成了如此素质教育的话题了。） For example, some students have strong interest in repairing electrical appliances. Apparently, some courses about technical skills rather than some courses like calculus, organic chemistry which are required courses in national curriculum, seem much more suitable for those students to learn and much more beneficial to their future career.（这里又变成了【既然有兴趣，就必须要设立相对的职业技术学校才对】，这个在最开始的部分也没有照应到。而且有很多可能衍生的问题也没有在文章当中提到，比如如何建立这样的机制，这样的机制比起现行的机制有何优点，尤其是它的可行性究竟何在。这些应该着重讨论的部分并没有着以笔墨，有点儿可惜。） Thus, it is quite necessary to provide various technical skills to students across the nation who are not expecting a higher education.（这一段的结尾句已经和开头的TS离得很远了。）



At the same time, to a certain extent, which academic courses to offer lies in the measure of the progress of economy of the part of a nation.（哦，又回到了上一段没有论述清晰的命题。嗯也好吧。） In fact, impoverished living conditions are most likely to restrict educational resources which in no small measure influence national curriculum's accomplishment.（句子稍微有点儿绕，而且话渐渐开始不够specific了：谁的impoverish状态？而且这里用accomplishment有点儿怪。） Consider in a poverty-stricken area（哈词儿挺好）, without funding to set up laboratories, students there cannot do experiments to observe chemical reactions; without funding to furnish students with computers, students, even teachers there cannot master basic skills of using computers, which directly results in many multimedia courses to be canceled.（你的句式都很繁复呀。但是很多地方其实用简单句就好，比如这个地方的被动。）（而且又被你搞糊涂了：你说的【穷】到底是政府穷，学校穷，还是学生以及家长穷呢？impoverish这个词用在这些对象上面都没有问题吗？没有论述清楚，结果这一段的论述对象不明。这样的话，不光没法提出解决方法，这一段的论述都混乱了。） It's obvious that some of national curriculum cannot be carried out in some parts of a nation and it's reasonable for different parts to determine which academic courses to offer in accordance with different educational conditions.（issue里面说得也很清楚了：在进入college之前，我们可不可以说这个就是重点指基础教育呢？如果是的话，建议和基础教育的特殊性好好连接一下吧。）

While some of national curriculum might not be received by all students on account of the foregoing reasons, we should not lose sight of the fact that some basic courses such as fundamental knowledge, social skills, moral education should be instilled in every students irrespective of the differences among parts of a nation, in order to satisfy the goals of education, according to the point of Dwight W. Allen, an eminent scholar of Educational Reform, (I paraphrase)"There are two goals of education, one is to make students more intellectual; another is to make each student a moral person.".（截至此处CUT。一句。这长句子……而且刚开始此句还论述着【fundamental knowledge】这个概念，接着就钻到了【moral lessons】的小一号的概念中去，而且一直钻下去了。）Therefore,（呃没看出这里有什么因果关系来。） such basic courses should cover a large proportion of national curriculum and there is a compelling argument. National curriculum is more economical than provincial（不知道这个词作为“省的”这个意思还有没有了，可能的话就把这个词儿避过去吧） curriculum. It takes a lot of money and time to make an entire course and in this process, many experts related to education are required to participate（in）. In national curriculum, only one making procedure goes through. In addition, when preparing a class of the curriculum, teachers can share ideas each other and get some help from another teacher, which undoubtedly would conduce to students' learning. In contrast, providing that provincial curriculum is made respectively, a large amount of economic losses is produced.（嗯，并不是非常能够说服我。在基础教育上，就全国一刀切，这种说法或多或少有些唐突。按照您的观点来看，这样投入过大，但是或许在教育上的无形产出要更为诱人。全国教育方案放在地方也可能有不适应性，这些东西还是多论述一点会比较好。当然，时间限制之内，还是基本把问题说清楚了。）


In the final analysis, I concede that basic courses of national curriculum are superior to ones of provincial curriculum.（关于这个，其实并没有论述得很清楚。只给出一个财政上的原因并没有办法说服我。） However, by virtue of the differences of educational conditions among different parts and of individual interests and talent, not all courses of national curriculum are able to be carried out and to（去掉） help all students. Hence, it’s sensible （？make sense可以用sensible替代么？）for schools to provide basic courses of national curriculum, together with some optional courses on a basis of actualities.（嗯……最后一段很多地方用词不大敢确定地道或正确与否，但概括得还是比较清楚的。）


哈
总体来说已经写得很好啦
只是需要在宏观上把整体的结构扣得更好
加油了

susan54321UID: 2721607

谢谢楼主！我会认真修改的！

ppa007hotUID: 2756040

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1059454-1-1.html

thanatos111UID: 2695845

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1060991&extra=

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... 6amp%3Btypeid%3D102

雷帝嘎嘎UID: 2762504

麻烦lz抽空看看98楼哦~
谢谢谢谢~  顺便祝虎年快乐~

123runfordreamUID: 2697608

又八 有空拍拍我的 麻烦你拉 新年快乐——
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... 6amp%3Btypeid%3D102

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

楼主新年快乐，67楼的文章有时间可以帮忙看看：）