argument15 第5篇习作

itsuperUID: 2603075

OPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.

"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."

  
  The author of the argument recommend that Old Daily shockholders should sell their shares and other investors should not purchase stock in Old Daily.The author cites a recent survey that over 80 percent of the respondents have a desire to reduce theri intake of fats and cholesterol and today low-fat products can be bought in many food stores. The author also points out that many of the food products currently sold by Old Dairy Industies contain much fat and cholesterol. The arguement is logically unconvincing in several respects.

    To begein with,  the author fails to provide information regarding the absolute number of people who take part in the survey. Lacking that data , it is entirely possible that the survey investigate a narrow group of people among whom most of them want to reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol. If in that  case,the result of this survey is far to be convincing.  

    Even if the result of the survey can reflect the trend that most people want to  reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol, the arguer assumes too hastily that the Old Dairy's sales would diminish greatly. The argument tells us that "many"  of the company's food products contain rich fat and cholesterol. However, the speaker fails to indicate the percentage of the company's total food products,so this evidence is far too vague to be meaningful.It is likely that Old Dairy mainly sell low-fat products. If that is true , then the sales of Old Dairy would not diminish but increase.

    Finally, even if most people today have a desire to reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol and currently Old Dairy Industries mainly sell food products that containing rich fat and cholesterol ,it is nevertheless possible to conclude that the Old Daily's profits would decrease. The argument show no evidence that Old Dairy would not sell low-fat food in the future. It is entirely possible that Old Dairy has noticed this trend and intend to product more low-fat food.Furthermore ,profits is not only a fator of revenue ,but also costs.Perhaps , Old Dairy recently import a new production line and their costs has decreased so much can offset the decrease in sales.

    To sum up this , this argument is not so convincing at it stands. To bolster it the author must provide the number of people who was investigated in the survey and show clearly evidence that the survey can reflect the trend of people's diet. The arguer should also provide the percentage of food products that containing rich fats and cholesterol in total food products that Old Dairy stockholders sells. To better access this recommand,i would need to know the Stock Quotes of food industy and the currenct price of Old Dairy's shares.







欢迎指正
//比上次快了一点，一个半小时，不过还是严重超时了……
//走过路过大牛若有提速法门，望指指教，谢谢

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.

"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."

The author of the argument recommends that Old Daily stockholders (像这种单词拼写的错误就比较不应该了，盼注意) should sell their shares and other investors should not purchase stock in Old Daily. The author cites a recent survey that over 80 percent of the respondents have a desire to reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol and today low-fat products can be bought in many food stores. The author also points out that many of the food products currently sold by Old Dairy Industries contain much fat and cholesterol. The argument is logically unconvincing in several respects.（关于同义替换的部分，这不仅仅是AW写作，可以说是所有英文写作中一个拿分的亮点，而在第一段中，你就几乎每一句的开头都是The author，这个做得不好，完全可以用the writer, he, the arguer等诸如此类的替换。）【开头写得很不好，几乎都是在简单重复原文，rater一定比我们更熟悉原文，近乎复述一遍的开头是很感冒的。一般来说，在argument的开头中，我们所应该指出的是作者的观点、作者的推理过程（也就是逻辑链）然后补充一句引出下文驳斥的句子，开头所使用的语言都应该是精炼与概括的，一定要体现出逻辑分析的能力，具体的内容，可以参考这个帖子：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-920961-1-1.html】

    To begin with, （这个格式也有问题，一般我们都采用齐头式，那么就是每段顶格，段间空行） the author fails to provide information regarding the absolute number of people who take part in the survey. （还是我之前讲过的，对于原文提供的survey或者report等诸如此类的数据我们都默认是正确，即使要对作者使用的这些survey或report等进行质疑，也不应该放在开始论证的第一部分，这是很苍白无力的，rater对你通篇的印象分也会大打折扣。）Lacking that data, it is entirely possible that the survey investigate a narrow group of people among whom most of them want to reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol. If in that case, the result of this survey is far to be convincing. （ 这句话有语法错误，请自行修改。）【每一段论证，对整篇文章来说都是一个小的单元，其本身也必须是完整的，通常也都是总分总的结构，第一句为本段TS，直指逻辑错误所在，中间部分为具体论证过程，或详细分析错误理由，或陈述其他合理推断等，最后还要交代一句本段总结，适时点题】

    Even if the result of the survey can reflect the trend that most people want to  reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol, the arguer assumes too hastily that the Old Dairy's sales would diminish greatly. （这个TS写得很不合格，所谓TS，就一定是精炼的，直指问题核心的，一针见血的，而不是陈述一堆单词之后，让rater自己去想那个作者的问题在哪儿的。）The argument tells us that "many" of the company's food products contain rich fat and cholesterol. （这里为什么断了？根据你的文章大意不难看出，跟后面的however是相衔接的，为什么要在这里断句？）However, the speaker fails to indicate the percentage of the company's total food products, so this evidence is far too vague to be meaningful. It is likely that Old Dairy mainly sell low-fat products. If that is true, then the sales of Old Dairy would not diminish but increase. （不要轻易下结论，因为实际情况都不是单因素模型，即使Old Dairy的主要产品真的是low-fat产品，sales增长与否也不是必然的，你这句话摆在这里就是一个硕大无比的。。。漏洞！即使真的要这么说，也一定要加上一句，“那么按照作者的逻辑，the sales应该怎么怎么”）【okay，这一段你指出的逻辑错误是too hasty，那么事实上你可以陈述很多个为什么说原作者是hasty的理由，而在这里你仅仅说出了一个point，真的很单薄】

    Finally, even if most people today have a desire to reduce their intake of fats and cholesterol and currently Old Dairy Industries mainly sell food products that containing rich fat and cholesterol, it is nevertheless possible to conclude that the Old Daily's profits would decrease. （这个TS跟上一段是一样的问题，TS不是这么写的。而且这个even if是凭空出现的，前文完全没有提到过desire的问题，突然冒出这么一句是很不合理的。）The argument shows no evidence that Old Dairy would not sell low-fat food in the future. （这里思路跳跃了，要跟你所指出的逻辑问题联系起来，为什么要提供证据证明Old Dairy在将来出售low-fat？）It is entirely possible that Old Dairy has noticed this trend and intends to product more low-fat food. Furthermore, profit is not only a factor of revenue, but also costs. （语法错误，自行修改）Perhaps, Old Dairy recently import a new production line and their costs has decreased so much can offset the decrease in sales.（差总结句）
通篇的论证结构很脆弱，把思路打开，其实有很多内容可以写的，把原文的逻辑链重新整理一遍，然后仔细考虑你要攻击的逻辑错误，攻击的先后顺序，是按照错误的主次来排还是按照出现的先后来排，确定好之后还要完善论证的内容，每一个点应该如何展开，一定要能够自圆其说。还有语言关也要对自己严格要求，拼写和语法的错误应该尽可能的避免。

    To sum up this , this argument is not so convincing at it stands. To bolster it the author must provide the number of people who was investigated in the survey and show clearly evidence that the survey can reflect the trend of people's diet. The arguer should also provide the percentage of food products that containing rich fats and cholesterol in total food products that Old Dairy stockholders sells. To better access this recommend, I would need to know the Stock Quotes of food industry and the current price of Old Dairy's shares.【个人习惯，结尾不改】

文中所有粉红色的词为拼写或语法错误纠正的，红色为有问题的部分，绿色批准为个人建议，蓝色批注为整段评价