[1010G精英组] ISSUE&ARGU 习作 by Group Energy

nanfeng25899UID: 2629871

===========
  Logical Chain
===========
1 前提一：因为A是GEC的成员，而F是C委员会的承运，且当前的委员并没有保护我们的环境
2 前提二：C去年的工厂书翻了一倍，空气污染水平翻了两倍，当地医院因呼吸道就诊的的数量增加了25%
3 结论：我们选A，环境问题就会被解决
===========

论点提纲
===========
1 工厂数量的增加并不能说明环境污染程度的加深，题目中未告知工厂是否会造成污染，若不是反而正说明了过去政府的成功之处
2 呼吸道疾病的患者增加还有可能是因为老化或者是因为经济发展人数增加，从而使病人的数量有所增加
3 即使环境污染确实严重，并不能说明F没有起到正面的作用，只是他的声音为其他人淹没了
===========

习作正文
===========

The argument, at the first glance, seems to be reasonable and trustful, but it does mask the fact that maybe Frank Braun is the better choice than Ann Green, which just features with the mark of the label--a member of the
Good Earth Coalition. Just based on the several plausible evidence, we can not arrive at the conclusion that electing Ann Green will the best solution to the environmental problems.

The first evidence demonstrated by the arguer is the doubled number of the factories in the Clearview, which appears to be very tenable to substantiate the failure of working out the pollution by Frank Braun. Yet no evidence about whether those factories are the criminals of the "severe environmental problems" is showed to us. It is more likely that they are friendly to the environment even conducive to reduce the pollutants, that is, they are, on the contrary, the assistants of relieving the contamination. In addition, if they are green company, they will be beneficial to not only the surrounding but also the citizens by providing more green jobs and stimulating the economy. So if that is the case, why do we choose Frank Braun?

Again, the arguer illustrates another fact, 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses, which just result from his failure of recognizing other alternatives that may also be the cause of the mounting figure of the patient.
For instance, with people older and older, our bodies become so fragile that it will easier that we infect with diseases such as respiratory. Maybe last year, the increasing old is the right cause of the soaring patients other than the pollution. In addition, there is also a good chance that those new patients are just the outcome of the new workers appealed by the new factories. Therefore, without taking other possibilities into consideration, condemning Frank Braun' fault on the environmental issue is too early.

Finally, even though the facts in the argument does means the severe pollution in this town, Frank Braun may also acts as the positive role in denying the policies which will be detrimental to the environment. However, his voice is just overshadowed by the others’ opinions in the Clearview council. How can we judge a leader using the policies made by those real criminals? If so, how could you say that because Ann Green is one member of Good Earth Coalition he is sure to be the key to solving the pollution? It is possible that he just wants to have a mark of the environmentalist, but actually he is not. So do not rush to make decisions and please think twice before you go to vote.

Perhaps weighing up those facts in the arguments, you will be resolute to vote for Ann Green, whereas before that you'd better know those evidences clearly and logical, not literally. Thinking about the facts behind the statement will be helpful for you to make a right decision.
=======================

Revised By 小肯
=======================
The argument, at the first glance, seems to be reasonable and trustful, but it does mask the fact that maybe Frank Braun is the better choice than Ann Green, which just features with the mark of the label--a member of the Good Earth Coalition.(?)And just based on the several plausible evidences, we can not arrive at the conclusion that electing Ann Green will be the best solution to the environmental(?) problems.

The first evidence demonstrated by the arguer is the doubled number of the factories in the Clearview(that the number of factories in Clearview doubled), which appears to be very tenable to substantiate the failure of working out the pollution (problem) by Braun?. Yet no evidence about whether those factories are the “criminals” of the "severe environmental problems" is showed to us. It is more likely (possible) that they are friendly to the environment even conducive to reduce the pollutants, that is, they are, on the contrary, the assistants of relieving the contamination. In addition, if they are green (environmental-friendly) company, they will be beneficial
to not only the surrounding but also the citizens (benefit to the surrounding and the citizen as well)by providing(creating) more green jobs and stimulating the economy. So if that is the case, why do we choose Frank Braun? (? 是要说为什么不选braun才对吧)

Again, the arguer illustrates another fact, 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses, which just result from his/her failure of recognizing other alternatives that may also be the cause of the mounting figure of the patients. For instance, with people getting older and older, their bodies become more fragile that it would be easier infect (for disease to violate) with diseases such as respiratory (加disease). Maybe last year, the increasing old is the right cause (real reason) of the soaring patients other than the pollution (Maybe in last year, the real reason of soaring patients is the aging problem other than the pollution). In addition(可以用furthermore, additional用过几次了), there is also a good chance that those new patients are just the outcome of the new workers appealed by the new factories（？没明白这句）. Therefore, without taking other possibilities into consideration, condemning Frank Braun' fault on the environmental issue is too early（这句写得好）.

Finally, even though the facts in the argument does means（proved there are，不用means） the（去掉） severe pollution in this town, Frank Braun may also acts as the positive role in （the situation by）denying the policies which will be (more) detrimental to the environment. However,(It is possible that,去掉However) his voice is just overshadowed by the others’ opinions in the Clearview council. How can we judge a leader (member who in charge of) using the policies (but) made by those real criminals? If so, how could you(can we不要how can you) say that because Ann Green is one（a） member of Good Earth Coalition so that he/she is surly to be the key to solving the pollution? It is possible that he/she just wants to have a mark(to be labeled as a environmentalist后面全不要) of the environmentalist, but actually he is not. So do not rush yourself to make decisions and please think twice before you (go to不要) vote.

Perhaps weighing up those（the superficial 不是those） facts in the arguments（argument）, you will be resolute to vote for Ann Green, whereas before that you'd better know those evidences clearly and logical, not literally. Thinking about the facts behind the statement will be helpful for you to make a right decision.（最后一句好）
论点1.、3写得比较好，逻辑层次都很清楚
第2点阐述感觉没走开，我觉得你应该是想表达一个人不能代表全部的整体，他想为镇上的人民谋福利但是他却做不到让整个council跟着他走。
这点没说清楚
最后一段的总结很好
有个小建议，少用长的复杂的倒装句。便随状语短一点方便阅读，当你不确定人民是男是女时，用he/she表示。

shevavaUID: 2574709

===========
  Logical Chain
===========

Basis：
the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved
Arguments：
1\Ann Green ，a member of the Good Earth Coalition，
所以，the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved
所以，elect Ann Green
2\ Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council，
The current members are not protecting our environment
During the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses
所以，不能elect Frank Braun
Conclusions:
In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green

===========
     论点提纲
===========

1 环境污染可能有其他原因造成
2 不一定是Frank Braun问题
3 Ann Green不一定能改变现在这种情况

===========
     习作正文
===========

Assuming that Ann Green , a member of the Good Earth Coalition, was elected the mayor, the environmental problems would be solved. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer presents many evidences in order to prove the other candidate would not make good access to the environmental problem. However, what the arguer determines from is that Frank Braun, the other candidate, is a member of the Clearview town council, whose current members are not protecting our environment. Obviously, through scientific scrutiny and analysis, logical flaws are contained.

The arguer failed to consider the possible alternatives of the fact that air pollutions have increased, and more patients with respiratory illness were treated in the local hospital. It is possible that the sharp increase of the amount of cars caused the air pollution problem. Worsely, the harmful gas brought by the burning oil into the air not only polluted the air, but also do great harm to the health of local people. Additionally, maybe with the new better medicine infrastructure and famous doctor of respiratory illness, more patients from other places came for better treatment. Furthermore, factories in Clearview, whose number doubled, probably are not the main cause of pollution, if they were equipped with equipment for environment protection. Reversely, it can make contribution to the development of the local economy.

Even if the environment problems are arisen by the doubtful decision of the Clear town council to build so many factories, there is not enough evidence provided to substantiate that Frank Braun was on the side. As we all know, the final decision need to be agreed with by the majority of the council before taken into act. What part did Frank Braun play during the process? How much did his advices weigh? These are all open to doubt.

Even assuming that Frank Braun is not protecting our environment, Ann Green, a member of the Good Earth Coalition, cannot be promised to be a voter of environment protection. The mere fact that Green is a member of The Good Earth Coalition hardly suffices to prove his/her willingness and ability to help solve Clearview’s environmental problems. As in reference to the pursuit of political feat, he may also greatly motivate economical development.

Overall, before the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview need more information about the two candidates, such as what will they do if they are selected, what are the concrete measures, how do these measure take effect, and so on. To make the argument more convincing and logical, the editor should provide the information discussed above, so that the people cannot be misconduct.
=======================

Revised By CYPHER
=======================
修改标识：
“Bold” 结构句，标出来方便理清思路。

“In Green” 牛X表达
“[In Blue]” 表示我在文中的批注。
“In Blue” 是我在文后的总结。

Assuming that Ann Green , a member of the Good Earth Coalition, was elected the mayor, the environmental problems would be solved. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer presents many evidences[我总觉得evidence是不可数的,我上网查了一下,可以参考这个http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=666441,记得第一次改作文的时候给SHEVAVA哥指出来过...] in order to prove the other candidate would not make good access to the environmental problem. However, what the arguer determines from is that Frank Braun, the other candidate, is a member of the Clearview town council, whose current members are not protecting our environment.
Obviously, through scientific scrutiny and analysis, logical flaws are contained.
[此处有结构句可能比较好, 感觉还是应该先指出错误, 而不是第一句就纠错, 逻辑上不太合适]

The arguer failed to consider the possible alternatives of the fact[事实的另一种选择?个人觉得事实就是事实, 可能表达成另一种解释会比较好, 小建议…] that air pollutions have increased, and more patients with respiratory illness were treated in the local hospital. It is possible that the sharp increase of the amount of cars caused the air pollution problem. Worsely[嗯, 没查到这个词,应该有误], the harmful gas brought by the burning oil into the air not only polluted the air, but also do great harm to the health of local people. Additionally, maybe with the new better medicine infrastructure and famous doctor of respiratory illness, more patients from other places came for better treatment.[很好的解释啊,我顺便学了几个专业名词]
Furthermore, factories in Clearview, whose number doubled, probably are not the main cause of pollution, if they were equipped with equipment for environment protection. Reversely, it can make contribution to the development of the local economy.
[注:划线的部分我有点异见:
第一个划线的部分,我觉得你是想阐述:完全有可能是因为车多了,所以空气不好了,进而病人也增加了,是吧?但是不论原意如何,字面意思是没有对题目进行攻击的.我认为需要攻击的点是:环境根本就没有恶化,因而不能怪罪council的那帮老头.但是SHEVAVA哥的文章里并没有明确反对这一点,而是解释了空气污染的原因,而文章里并没有由空气污染的原因退出任何逻辑关系,因而我认为逻辑无效.
第二个划线的部分,我的观点还是和上面一样,应该攻击的是没有污染,而不是是什么造成了污染.
以上两点与怎么理解题意有关,其实若想论证污染的原因与city council无关也完全可行,但是我没在文中看见这层意思,能点明最好,不要在下一段才明确说出来.
另外一个建议,希望能先指出作者的错误,再阐述其有误,这样比较清晰明了.]

Even if the environment problems are arisen by the doubtful[doubtful做定语主要表诚信,名声不可信的.推荐用dubious] decision of the Clear town council to build so many factories, there is not enough evidence provided to substantiate that Frank Braun was on the side. As we all know, the final decision need to be agreed with by the majority of the council before taken into act. What part did Frank Braun play during the process? How much did his advices[advice绝大部分用法都应该是单数才对] weigh? These are all open to doubt.

Even assuming that Frank Braun is not protecting our environment[觉得过去式比较好], Ann Green, a member of the Good Earth Coalition, cannot be promised to be a voter of environment protection. The mere fact that Green is a member of The Good Earth Coalition hardly suffices to prove his/her[Ann应该是her, LOL] willingness and ability to help solve Clearview’s environmental problems. As in reference to the pursuit of political feat, he[乱了乱了…到底是男是女, 呵呵~] may also greatly motivate economical development[应该是economic development].

Overall, before the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview need more information about the two candidates, such as what will they do if they are selected, what are the concrete measures, how do these measure[-s] take effect, and so on. To make the argument more convincing and logical, the editor should provide the information discussed above, so that the people cannot be misconduct.

[全文总结
结构上:全部让步结构,很严谨,第一个攻击段三个点之间的关系不太明显,建议在第一句指出这三个错误,之后并列/递进结构分别攻击.
语言上:有很多很具体的表述,读来更能感觉到解释的合理和可行性,于是对原题的攻击也就更有效,强悍.
句式上:希望能在句首多用表逻辑的词,这样显得句间结构紧凑.
嗯,不多说了,主要的都在原文指出了.多多指教~
]

SandraShanUID: 2753079

===========
  Logical Chain
===========


1.工厂数量翻倍,空气污染严重，呼吸病病人数多境
2.AG是Good Earth Coalition成员，FB是towncouncil成员且现在的委员不保护环境
3.1.2->市长选举中，应该选AG，才能解决环境问题

===========

论点提纲
===========


1不能武断的说现在的环境问题严重是当前的委员们不保护环境
2.即使是委员们的问题，也不能说因为FB是town council成员，就不能解决问题
3.不能说因为AG是GFC成员就能解决问题

===========

习作正文
===========



Grounding on the fact that the environment problems ofClearview was serious, the arguer deduced that the current town council membersdo nothing about protecting the local environment, and suggest residents ofClearview voting for Ann Green, a member of the Good Earth Coalition as the newmayor rather than voting for Frank Braun, the Clearview town council member.
However, this argument can’t be convincingbecause it defies simple logic and suffers from several fallacies.

In the first place, itis arbitrary to conclude that it is the town council’s responsibility thatresults in the serious problems of environment. Even though in Clearview thenumber of factories has been twice as much as the number of last year, thelevels of air pollution have increased and more patients infected withrespiratory illness are treated in local hospital, it is probably other reasonsbut the town council’s fault lead to that phenomenon. The factories increasedmight be specially built by the local town council to deal with the environment pollution problem. What ismore, considering that the air is flowing all thetime, Clearview may be the victim of the air pollution in other places aroundit. In addition, the respiratory illnesses patients are infected because oftheir old age and the older there is much more than before. Therefore, it isunconvincing to judge a thing only by its surface phenomenon.

Secondly, even if one accepts that we indeed should blamethe town council for its careless work,the argument remains questionable. We cannot do our judgment on a person onlyby where does he work. Maybe Frank Braun has thought of effective approaches tosolve the problems, however, the implement of these ways is against someone’spersonal interests who have the right to carry out it. Except that, we cannotdeny a person’s strong desire of protecting the environment only by he isn’t amember of the Good Earth Coalition. Besides, there is no doubt that as a memberof the Clearview town council, leadership and the ability to coordinate issuesare their basic characteristics, which are necessity to deal with things likethis.

Last but not least, even assuming that Frank Braun doesn’tcare about the environment there, we cannot ensure that Ann Green, a member ofthe Good Earth Coalition, to be the right person of the mayor. The argumentprovides no other reliable evidence to indicate Ann Green would do better jobthan Frank Braun in dealing with the pollution problem.  The statementthat Green is a member of The Good Earth Coalition hardly suffices to prove hiswillingness and ability to help solve the environmental problems. Besides,he may lack of political experience which will arise moreproblems in power.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has severalflaws as discussed above. The argument could be improved by providingevidence that it is the fault of the town council that leads to the confirmedpollution there. It could be further improved by ruling out capacity of Ann Green to support that if we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems inClearview will be solved.

=======================

RevisedBy Shevava
=======================



Grounding on the factthat the environment problems of Clearview was serious,the arguer deduced that the current town council members do nothing aboutprotecting the local environment, and suggest（ed） residents of Clearviewvoting for Ann Green, a member of the Good Earth Coalition as the new mayor ratherthan voting for Frank Braun, the Clearview town council member. However, this argument can’t be convincing because itdefies simple logic and suffers from several fallacies.

In the first place, it is arbitrary to conclude thatit is the town council’s responsibility that results in the serious problems ofenvironment. Even though in Clearview the number of factories has beentwice as much as the number of last year, the levels of air pollution haveincreased and more patients infected with respiratory illness are treated inlocal hospital, it is probably other reasons but thetown council’s fault lead to that phenomenon（谓语动词多了吧，把probably改成probable就好了吧）. The factories increased might be specially built by the local towncouncil to deal with the environment pollution problem. What is more,considering that the air is flowing all the time, Clearview may be the victimof the air pollution in other places around it. In addition, the respiratoryillnesses patients are infected because of their old age and the older there ismuch more than before. Therefore, it is unconvincing to judge a thing only byits surface phenomenon.（举了三条理由反驳观点）

Secondly, even if one accepts that we indeed shouldblame the town council for its careless work, the argument remainsquestionable. We cannot do our judgment on a person only by where doeshe work. Maybe Frank Braun has thought of effective approaches to solve theproblems, however, the implement of these ways is against someone’s personalinterests who have the right to carry out it. Except（besides?） that, we cannot deny a person’sstrong desire of protecting the environment only by he isn’t a member of theGood Earth Coalition. Besides, there is no doubt that as a member of theClearview town council, leadership and the abilityto coordinate issues are their basic characteristics, which are necessity(ies) to deal with things like this.(最后一句是说在town council 里的好处，更具体一点到 FB是不是更好)

Last but not least, even assuming that Frank Braun doesn’t care about theenvironment there, we cannot ensure that Ann Green, a member of the Good EarthCoalition, to be the right person of the mayor. The argument provides no otherreliable evidence to indicate Ann Green would do better job than Frank Braun indealing with the pollution problem.  The statement that Green is amember of The Good Earth Coalition hardly sufficesto prove his willingness and ability to help solve the environmentalproblems.  Besides, he may lack of political experience which willarise more problems in power.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has several flawsas discussed above. The argument could be improved by providing evidence thatit is the fault of the town council that leads to the confirmed pollutionthere. It could be further improved by ruling out capacity of Ann Green tosupport that if we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems in Clearviewwill be solved.

结构上逐层让步很好…有头有尾，有论点有论据，结构完整…(不过好像听说用让步有一定的风险？忘了在哪儿看的了，说要慎用…是不是美国人不想中国人这么含蓄啊，想上来直接说要点…不过我这篇也是用让步写的，求交流哈…呵呵)
内容上，我跟你写的差不多，所以就没什太大的建议啦…

hebillUID: 2532108

===========
  Logical Chain
===========


Conclusion: In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green, who is a member of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council
Reasons:
1 the current members are not protecting our environment
2 If we elect Ann Green,the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved.

===========
     论点提纲
===========

1 不应该只从环保工作这一项指标上来指导 mayoral election，市长的工作并不只是为环保。
2 就算是只考虑环境污染问题，并非选一位环境组织的成员当市长，环境污染问题就能解决。
3 论者认为当前的市委没能保护本市的环境，举例说是过去几年工厂的数目加倍，空气污染的程度在上升，而当地医院治疗的呼吸病患者也比以前多了25%,然而这  一例证缺乏足够的论据。
4 就算当前的市委没有关心环境问题，不代表其中的每个成员都不关心或者无力解决。
===========
     习作正文
===========

In this argument, the author called on people in Clearview to vote for Ann Green, of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for Frank Braun,of the Clearview town council. The reasoning seems somewhat logical. However, the reason provided is not convincing enough and thus comes to the conclusion unpersuasively in several respects.

To begin with, it is incomplete for people to judge candidates in mayoral election only from their work in environmental problems. Admittedly, environmental protection is vitally important for the mayor to engage in. But it is not his/her sole duty, the eligible candidate should behave well in many other ways, such as prominent political caliber, charisma,far-reaching social influence, good political achievements in the past and reasonable plans for Clearview in the future.

Even if people merely consider environmental pollution problems, it is unreasonable enough to count on the thorough solution by voting for a member of Good Earth Coalition. For one thing, as a member of Good Earth Coalition, Ann Green is not necessarily a person with great ambition in environmental issues. Perhaps she will pursue the rate of economic development at the cost of the surroundings. For another thing, hypothetically, she does show concern about the environmental problems, yet there are innumerable challenge confronting Ann Green which needs not only concern but also essential abilities such as cooperation with other departments and profound recognition of industrial process. Her desire of the environmental protection can not guarantee that she is able to alter the environment as people may expect. People can't allege that Ann Green can definitely solve all the environmental problems as long as she is elected mayor as no convincing evidence demonstrates that Ann will align all the related departments into this vital and complicated career with sufficient funds.

The arguer also illustrate his/her statement with the fact that during the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses. Unfortunately, the author is failing to consider whether the new factories are pollution-intensive industry. Or were there any efficient measures adopting in these firms? Without this critical information, it is hard to determine what role these factories played in environmental pollution as they were likely to either be less pollution industry or take efficient measures in the production process.

As to the air pollution, which is a severe fact that exists worldwide, on one hand, a conclusion can be rendered only when there are concrete statistics showing comparison of the air pollution in Clearview with in other similar cities or with in the same town formerly.(这句是不是病句？？？)On the other hand, air pollution may not be a problem that caused by this town itself,but a problem that generated from somewhere else as air flows. Moreover, the author acclaimed that air pollution is responsible for the increase of
patients with respiratory illnesses. However, One may inherit such illness or ail because of aging. there are no valid evidences that explain whether air pollution is related with the increase of patients.

Last but not least, even though present town council didn't pay much attention on environmental problems, it doesn't mean that none of members in the town council cares about this problem or face it powerlessly. As no evidence shows that Frank Braun ever destroyed the environment or put forward some measures on environmental damage, it is possible that he is concerned about environmental protection as well. Maybe his environmental proposal is ignored by present town council.

=======================

Revised By Finn ^_^
语法问题 批注 精彩句子


In this argument, the author called (我觉得用一般现在时描述结果或现象就可以了 不过这里可以用过去时) on people in Clearview to vote for Ann Green, of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for (for是不是可以删掉？) Frank Braun, of the Clearview town council. The reasoning seems somewhat logical. However, the reason (紧连着用了两个reason可以换一个别的词) provided is not convincing enough and thus comes to the conclusion unpersuasively in several respects.

To begin with, it is incomplete for people to judge candidates in mayoral election only from their work in (dealing with) environmental problems.Admittedly, environmental protection is vitally important for the mayor to engage in. But it is not his/her sole duty, the eligible candidate should behave well in many other ways, such as prominent political caliber, charisma, far-reaching social influence,
good political achievements in the past and reasonable plans for Clear view in the future.(本段是说市长的选举不应该只注重候选人是否能有效地解决环境保护问题)

Even if people merely consider environmental pollution problems, it is unreasonable enough (删) to count on the thorough solution by voting for a member of Good Earth Coalition. For one thing, as a member of Good Earth Coalition, Ann Green is not necessarily a person with great ambition (是想要表达Ａ可能不具备处理环境问题的能力这个意思？可用这个词表达合适吗？) in environmental issues. Perhaps she(可能A真是女的 但正式起见还是用名字吧 如果嫌麻烦可以只用Ann或者A(但要在前面注释一下)) will pursue the rate of economic development at the cost of the surroundings. For another thing, hypothetically, she does show concern about the environmental problems, yet there are innumerable challenge confronting Ann Green which needs not only concern but also essential abilities (difficulties) such as cooperation with other departments and profound recognition of industrial process(后面这半句想表达什么意思呢？). Her (还是用名字吧前面用的代词很多了) desire of the environmental protection can not (正式文体中写作cannot 没有空格 注意) guarantee that she is able to alter the environment as people may expect. People can't (正式文体中应避免使用缩写cannot) allege that Ann Green can definitely solve all the environmental problems as long as she is elected mayor as no convincing evidence demonstrates that Ann will align (前面使用了很多可以换一个词汇) all the related departments into this vital and complicated career with sufficient funds.(这句话写的有点罗嗦了) (本段说即使候选人注重环保问题但可能有很多因素让他们并不能很好地解决环保问题)

The arguer also illustrate his/her statement with the fact that during the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased (表达不好), and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses (后面半句话没有说完意思啊 指出了这些事实是干什么用的？这里有别于中文的表达). Unfortunately, the
author is failing to consider whether the new factories are pollution-intensive industry. Or were (前后时态要统一，这里使用一般现在时就可以了) there any efficient measures adopting (措施是被采用 使用被动) in these firms? Without this critical information, it is hard to determine what role these factories played in environmental pollution as they were likely to either be less pollution industry or take efficient measures in the production process(然后呢？如果工厂这么做了后面的结果回事什么呢意思要表完整).(本段说题中的论据并不能说明当地环境问题严重了)

As to the air pollution, which is a severe fact that exists worldwide (这是形容词 应该后面加一个名词性短语), (前面的意思已经完整了要使用句号，但这样一来前面句子的结构不对还要修改一下) on one hand, a conclusion can be rendered only when there are concrete statistics showing comparison of the air pollution in Clearview with in (删) other similar cities or with in (删) the same town formerly (表达的不好). On the other hand, air pollution may not be a problem that caused by this town itself, but a problem that generated from somewhere else as air flows (题中说的是environmental problems 所以 air可能是其中一点 这一点驳的不好).

Moreover, the author acclaimed that air pollution is responsible for the increase of patients with respiratory illnesses. However, One (one) may inherit such illness or ail because of aging. there (There) are no valid evidences that explain whether air pollution is related with the increase of patients.(这段写的有点Issue的感觉 开头主题要把攻击的写的明确些 这一段可以考虑和上一段和一起)

Last but not least, even though present town council didn't (不要缩写) pay much attention on environmental problems, it doesn’t (不要缩写) mean that none of members in the town council cares about this problem or face it powerlessly. As no evidence shows that Frank Braun ever destroyed (?不是这么表达的吧) the environment or put forward some measures on environmental damage (这一点写的很奇怪啊), it is possible that he is concerned about environmental protection as well. Maybe his environmental proposal is ignored by present town council.(这段感觉写的不好可以考虑和第3段融合) (这段写Frank Braun可能很好地处理环境问题)

In a word, the author fails to provide sound evidence either to the achievements and abilities on environmental problems that ensure Ann Green to be elected (as the?)mayor or to the indifference of Fon (?) the same issue. He/she needs to collect more detailed information for the voter, and only in this way, may the argument be accepted.


小结：1、注意避免语言语法错误
           2、正文有5段但段落之间的逻辑衔接性不好，正文第三段应该调整为正文第一段有两段可以跟正文其他段合并，详见注释
           3、词汇、句式需要加强，进一步掌握长难句的写法


=======================   

zmssghhUID: 2779772

占

CypherUID: 2793818

===========
  Logical Chain
===========

觉得没啥用, 没时间, 就不写了.

===========
     论点提纲
===========

1.工厂数目倍增和呼吸疾病患者的增加不一定说明环境恶化了.
2.即使以上因素导致环境恶化, 也不一定与市委有关系.即使是市委的关系, Braun不一定是主要因素.
3.即使选Braun不会改善环境, 是GEC成员不能说明Green会支持.
4.即使3成立, Green不一定是唯一人选.

===========
     习作正文
===========

The letter recommends that people in Clearview should vote for Ann Green, a member of Good Earth Coalition, instead of Frank Braun, a member of Clearview town council. To justify this recommendation, the author points out that the number of factories and patient with respiration illness, as well as air pollution levels had increased in the past year. At first glance, the argument might be somehow reasonable, close scrutiny of each of these evidence, however, reveals that none of them leads credible support to this recommendation, which render recommendation entirely unconvincing.

To begin with, the cited fact that the number of factories and patients with respiration illness had increased over the course of one year is scant evidence for the claim that the environment had worsened in Clearview. Perhaps the new factories were all environment-friendly ones and may have helped relieve the city’s environmental pressure. On the other hand, perhaps the increase of patients with respiratory illness was due to poor health care system but not environmental factors, and therefore renders the author’s inference unconvincing. Under either scenario, the author cannot convince me that the environment had worsened on the basis of these evidences.

Even assuming that the environment had worsened in over the past year, the mere fact that Braun is a member of city council would not suffice to prove that electing Braun would not help protecting the environment. Lacking information of the bills related to environmental protection the council had voted through and Braun’s voting record for those bills, it is entirely possible that no policies and laws harming environment were enacted and implemented in the previous year, or Braun had voted against those bills but somehow failed to change the result. In either case, it is impossible to weigh the evidence without more specific records.

Moreover, the author makes a dubious assumption that electing Green would solve the environmental problems because she is a member of the Good Earth Coalition. The author fails to rule out the possibilities that Green had not made any commitments on whether she would adopt any policies aimed at halting environmental worsening, or she joined the Good Earth Coalition just for popular vote. Under either scenario, I would not find the author’s argument the least bit compelling.

Finally, the argument suffers from “either-or” reasoning. Even assuming that Green would be a superior choice than Braun in solving environmental problems, it does not suffice to conclude that Clearwiew’s residents must vote for Green. However, the author overlooks the possibility that other candidates can better solve Clearview’s environmental problems.

In sum, the recommendation offered by the author is untenable as discussed above. To bolster his claim that electing Green would solve the environmental problems, the author needs to inform us of more detailed statistics that show the environment had worsened in the past year, and policies related to environmental protection that the city council had voted for and Braun’s voting record for those policies.


=======================

Revised By SandraShan
=======================
精彩(粉红) 结构(深蓝) 问题(正红)
(不好意思我粘上总掉色,只能这么注明一下了)

The letter recommends that people in Clearview should vote for Ann Green, a member of Good Earth Coalition, instead of Frank Braun, a member of Clearview town council. To justify this recommendation, the author points out that the number of factories and patient with respiration illness, as well as air pollution levels had increased in the past year. At first glance, the argument might be somehow reasonable, close scrutiny of each of these evidence, however, reveals that none of them leads credible support to this recommendation, which render recommendation entirely unconvincing.
To begin with, the cited fact that the number of factories and patients with respiration illness had increased over the course of one year is scant evidence for the claim that the environment had worsened in Clearview. Perhaps the new factories were all environment-friendly ones and may have helped relieve the city’s environmental pressure. On the other hand, perhaps the increase of patients with respiratory illness was due to poor health care system but not environmental factors, and therefore renders the author’s inference unconvincing. Under either scenario, the author cannot convince me that the environment had worsened on the basis of these evidences.

Even assuming that the environment had worsened in(应该去掉吧) over the past year, the mere fact that Braun is a member of city council would not suffice to prove that electing Braun would not help protecting（protect） the environment. Lacking information of the bills related to environmental protection the council had voted through and Braun’s voting record for those bills, it is(was) entirely possible that no policies and laws harming environment were enacted and implemented in the previous year, or Braun had voted against those bills but somehow failed to change the result. In either case, it is impossible to weigh the evidence without more specific records.

Moreover, the author makes a dubious assumption that electing Green would solve the environmental problems because she is a member of the Good Earth Coalition. The author fails to rule out the possibilities that Green had not made any commitments on whether she would adopt any policies aimed at halting environmental worsening, or she joined the Good Earth Coalition just for popular vote. Under either scenario, I would not find the author’s argument the least bit compelling.

Finally, the argument suffers from “either-or” reasoning. Even assuming that Green would be a superior choice than Braun in solving environmental problems, it does not suffice to conclude that Clearwiew’s residents must vote for Green. However（没有转折关系吧？）, the author overlooks the possibility that other candidates can better solve Clearview’s environmental problems.

In sum, the recommendation offered by the author is untenable as discussed above. To bolster his claim that electing Green would solve the environmental problems, the author needs to inform us of more detailed statistics that show the environment had worsened in the past year, and policies related to environmental protection that the city council had voted for and Braun’s voting record for those policies.


综合评价：
结构完整，论点论据清晰，逻辑层次清楚。内容上我也用了很多让步，那个shevava 说不太好，要慎用~我也不太清楚，咱们可以再讨论哈~总体上我感觉还是不错的~O(∩_∩)O~继续努力咯~

小肯0113UID: 2590901

===========

Logical Chain
===========
Ann Green is a member of the Good Earth Coalition
Frank Braun is a member of the Clearviewtown council
People would vote for Green because theyunhappy with the environment situation in town.
===========

论点提纲
===========
1\ she is a member of the XXX coalition doesn’t mean her policy will be betterthan Braun’s on environment aspect
2\ didn’t say what kind of factories theybuilt and no strong evidence that disease is related to the factories.
3\even if she has been elected, she stillhas limited power, can’t close done business, jobs and welfare system
===========

习作正文
===========
Theauthor showed a very
absolute attitudetowards who should be elected in next mayoral election. He/she complaints a lotabout environment issue in town and blame these problems to the town council,which represented by Frank Braun. But he failed to illustrate it with strongevidence and clear logic, in that way, his/her support to Ann Green seems to bearbitrary.

First of all, Green is a member of theGood Earth Coalition, but the fact doesn’t equal the environmental problemswill be solved. Yes, she may focus on environmental problems more than otherissues but it doesn’t mean Braun’s environmental policy will be useless orworse than hers. Apparently the author labeled Ann Green and her coalition with“environmental problem solver”, but we all know environment issue iscomplicated and it is piece of work needs cooperation. It is very dangerousthat Judging people and trusting them by their title. It seems like the author madethe mistake.


Secondly, the author explain his/herattitude of favor Ann Green by saying “For example, during the past year thenumber of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels haveincreased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients withrespiratory illness.”However, the author didn’t tell us what kind of factorieswas built in Clearview. Were they all related to air pollution? Do thosefactories equip with emissions treatment system as required? Furthermore, notall the respiratory illnesses are caused by air pollution. The author needs toshow more evidence to support his/her opinion, for instance, the factories nameand so on.

The last but not the least, even ifGreen is elected as a mayor, it is difficult to get the conclusion that theenvironment problems of Clearview will be solved. She needs to consider thingsother than environment, for instance, jobs, welfare system, tax income and soon. She can’t close those businesses that the author considers as the maincause of air pollution in town. Those factories bring tax income, create jobs,support the welfare system even the medical care. She has limited power; it isa little too demanding that hope she can “solve” the environmental problems.

To sum up, the authorshows a strong favor of Ann Green and The Good Earth Coalition. However, withoutmore details and evidence, the conclusion of mayoral election seems to beunthoughtful and unimpressive.
=======================
Revised By hebill
The author showeda very absolute attitude towards who should be elected in next mayoralelection. He/she complaints (前后时态一致)a lot aboutenvironment issue in town and blamed theseproblems to the town council, which represented by Frank Braun. But he（he/she） failed toillustrate it with strong evidence and clear logic, in that way, his/hersupport to Ann Green seems to be arbitrary.(Topic sentence)
Firstof all, Green is a member of the Good Earth Coalition, but the fact doesn’tequal(不等于，是不是用does not mean更好？)the environmental problems will be solved. Yes, she may focus on environmentalproblems more than other issues but it doesn’t mean Braun’s environmentalpolicy will be useless or worse than hers. Apparently the author labeled AnnGreen and her coalition with” environmental problem solver”, but we all knowenvironment issue is complicated and it is piece of work needs cooperation. Itis very dangerous that Judging people and trusting them by their title. Itseems like the author made the mistake.
Secondly,the author explained his/her attitude of favor（favoring/supporting）
Ann Green bysaying “For example, during the past year the number of factories in Clearviewhas doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital hastreated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illness.” However, the authordidn’t tell us what kind of factories was built in Clearview. Were they allrelated to air pollution? Do those factories equip with emissions treatmentsystem as required? Furthermore, not all the respiratory illnesses are causedby air pollution. The author needs to show more evidence to support his/heropinion, for instance, the factories name and so on.
Thelast but not the least, even if Green is elected as a mayor, it is difficult toget the conclusion that the environment problems of Clearview will be solved.She needs to consider things other than environment, for instance, jobs,welfare system, tax income and so on. She can’t close those businesses that theauthor considers as the main cause of air pollution in town. Those factories bringtax income, create jobs, support the welfare system even the medical care. Shehas limited power; it is a little too demanding that hope she can “solve” theenvironmental problems.（这段感觉和第二段可以合并，另外可以加入一段写一下Braun也许具有更好的领导能力和素质，并且也爱好环保，只是现在的towncouncil 掩盖了他的声音，而且一直是towncouncil member的他，对医疗制度、税收、福利制度、就业率等方面会更有优势。）
Tosum up, the author shows a strong favor of Ann Green and The Good EarthCoalition. However, without more details and evidence, the conclusion ofmayoral election seems to be unthoughtful and unimpressive.（结尾我跟你的结构差不多，总觉得有点单薄，呵呵）

=======================

kingwyf87UID: 2457409

〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓

                                                             【1010G精英组】E小组第11次作业

〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓

Issue208

"The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much

about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people."


●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

                                 写作样式模板

●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

===========
     论点提纲
===========

===========
     习作正文
===========

=======================

Revised By

=======================   

●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

拍文顺序

1-->8

3-->7

10-->1

7-->10

8-->3

●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●

kingwyf87UID: 2457409

===========
     论点提纲
===========

1、外貌、打扮、动作能够反映人们的兴趣和态度。
2、人们的兴趣和态度能反映社会的思想价值观。
3、然而在有些情况下，人们的兴趣和态度并不能真实地反映出社会的思想价值观。

===========
     习作正文
===========

The issue of whether through the appearance and behavior of people can we learn much about the ideas and values of a society is a complex and controversial one. Different people hold different opinions due to their respective ways of looking at an issue. In my point of view, however, I agree that, to some extent, the way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and their values of society, I hold the opinion that the author overlooks the function of appearance and behaviour of individuals in society. My view will be greatly strengthened by the following discussion.

To begin with, the look, dress, and act of people in society reveal their attitudes and interests. On the one hand, what people look and dress informe us their appearance. For example, we may assume a man whose head is bald and with thick glasses is a senior scholar as we may think that what's his look like is because of thinking too much about hard problems and spending too much time on reading innumerable books. If one always wearing some kind of sport shirt, we may naturally view him as a sportsman ora man who is crazing about sporting at least. On the other hand, it is the similar situation that we can know much about the behaviour of people through their acts. Imaging that a man who is fond of talking to others and enjoy good relationship among his friends or even unfamiliar people, we usually regard him as outgoing and open-minded, while a person who doesn't exactly express himself well, we may think he has a look of being buttoned in, a prisonor of his own nature. Although, this is some kind of subjective by judging someone from their appearance and behaviour, they do reveal some aspects of people.

In addition, the appearance and behaviour do indicate many aspects of a society. The development of human civilization as well as ideological gives a group people a unique way of thinking about beliefs, values, and ideas, and an understanding of how the world works and how they live and act in their own environment, which are been seen from their behaviour and appearance. A good example is that different national cultures shows differences both in appearance and behaviour. People in arabic countries are forbidden women to show their faces in the public as they have higher social standing than men. That is why we usually see the arabic women are alway wear a dark veiled. Compared with conservative culture in arabic countries, some nations seem to be completely different. People in Paris are more likely to dress in fashion no matter sex and age, which make France enjoy the well-famed reputation of opened and romantic. What's more, we may witness the changing of society the appearance and behaviour of people. Take China for example, decades ago, most Chinese people are extremely conventional. They dress like others, act like others, not talk to much to others, and not dare to express their own opinions. But now, with continuing development of reform and opening up of society, Chinese people are changing which can be seen form they dressing differently, more opened for communication, and sharing their own opinions with others.

However, we cannot count on observing the appearance and behavior of individuals to know well about society's ideas and values. Everyone is unique, which make their attitudes and interests unpredictable. Hostile people does not mean the society is hostile, and vice versa, which depends on  different tendencys of ideology. In free societies, the diversity in appearances surely indicates a society that places high value on individual freedoms and cultural diversity. The American is one of such society, and everyone wants to go to US because of its freedom and democracy. People in this society are encouraged to be different with others in pursuit of something special and personally. In oppressed societies, however, people's customs and habits belie their true attitudes and values in any event. Take North Korea for example, government instead of its people determine the attitudes and interest in that country. People who against the will of authority must be faced to law. Just like a event happened last year, a men had been arrested because he saw the move of 2012 which is forbidden by the government. Under this situation, how can a individual show his true attitudes and interests as so small and powerless, thus how we can lean the ture ideas and values about a society?

To sum up, basing my conclusion on the illustrations and exposition mentioned above, accordingly, I hold that sometimes people look, dress, and act do reveals their attitudes and their values of society, but in some circumstance thing become more complicated. We cannot count on only observing the appearance and behavior of individuals to know well about society's ideas and values. What we saw may not what it is, and must evaluate all the cases to draw the trustworthy conclusion.  

=======================

Revised By

=======================

shevavaUID: 2574709

===========
     论点提纲
===========

===========
     习作正文
===========

How the people look, dress, and act can reveal their attitudes and interests? The answer will be partly right, because, in some sense, the details presented by the people through his occasional performance are the real demonstration of his/her attitudes and interests. It is the same with relations between a society's ideas and values and the appearance and behavior of its people. In other words, the appearance and behavior of its people can reflect the society's ideas, and vice versa.

The behavior, values of the world and thinking are conditioned by the community since he was born, and during the process of growth, they are also influenced by the definite circumstances. Therefore, as a member of the society, their appearance and behavior are sculpted with the signs of the society to some extent that they differ with other ideas and values over the world distinctively. It can be said in the term that the people are the concrete reflection of the society, and without the concrete reflection, the society will be vacuum, not even to say its ideas and values. For example, with the great open and tolerance of the America, the people here are constructed to be brave to pursue of democracy and freedom.

The appearance and behavior of the people as a whole are determined by the society's ideas and values. The judgments of the good and the bad are conditioned by the tradition inherited from their forefathers. The history of one's life is accommodation to the life style and principles of the society. The black people is a case in the point that when they are looked down upon, they cannot enjoy many rights they ought to own, and they are slaved, however, in our modern society, with the fight down the racial discrimination, the black people are viewed as equal.

Reversely, the appearance and behavior and the people can also affect the ideas and values of the society to some extent, so that the progress of the society keep moving. When it comes to science, as an important member of the Renaissance, Copernicus presented the theory that the sun is the centre of the universe, which challenged the authority of the aristocracy, and promoted the change of the society. The case not only changed the society's ideas and values that they did not believe the church blindly, but promoted the progress of the society and humanity.

Overall, a society's ideas and values and the appearance and behavior of its people can play in a partnership, and they can affect and promote each other. The appearance and behavior of the people are the result of the society's ideas and values, and the society play an important role on the people.

SandraShanUID: 2753079

占~

hebillUID: 2532108

===========
     论点提纲
===========
1 人们的外表和衣着、行为会反映他们的态度和兴趣
2 人们的外表和行为可以很大程度的反应社会的思想和价值观
3 反之，社会的思想和价值观很多时候并不能由人们的外表和行为决定


===========
     习作正文
===========

In the issue, the author emphasizes the crucial role that the way people look, dress, and act plays. One reveals his/her attitudes and interests from their fashions of appearance and behaviors. That reminds us a commonplace illustration. When we look for a job, predecessors always suggest that good appearance be indispensable to a successful job-hunting, since a girl in refined suit definitely looks more professional, self-confident, and therefore eligible. What’s more, we can discover the applicant’s attitude toward this job, partly yet importantly, from the way one dress in the interviews. A person who shows great interests on the job can hardly wear casually.

During the roaring twenties, Americans found themselves in a struggle between the old ways of their ancestors and the new ways of the future. The once steadfast beliefs were suddenly challenged, such as men and women should not touch while dancing, and ladies should not drink or smoke. The society's ideas and values was changing quietly, where could we find the clue of this revolution? If you observed carefully, at that time, you would easily get the answer: women wore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts. All these icons show a new materialistic attitude that America had never before experienced. This philosophy was characterized by having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in the leisure’s of life. America along its path of change eventually led to the greatest social unrest that the United States had ever known. Everyone makes their contribution to a society’s ideas and philosophy. Yet not all of them can convey their voice and opinions publicly like the writers and politicians. For most of citizens, it is more practical to express their thoughts through the way they dress or act. It was an unforgettable summer when Li Yuchun won the Super Girl singing contest (similar to the Idol seriesof contests around the world) in 2005. Her win came as a surprise to many people because she was so radically different from the usual stereotype of female singers, being somewhat androgynous-looking and sounding. Li's national fame rose quickly and she quickly gathered a large fan base across China immediately. Li usually wore loose jeans and a black button-down shirt, with no make-up and the short haircut. Her great success is not a just matter of pop music, but a matter of brand-new social concepts about females in new centuries. The society admires multiple and strong individuality nowadays, which accounts for the large number of Li’s fans in China.

However, a society’s values and ideas are so complicated that one can not merely judge them from the appearance and behavior of its people. Inside superficial appearance and behaviors, the emotions and opinions are sometimes hided. “The Miserable Ones”, a novel by French author Victor Hugo, focuses on the struggles of ex-convict Jean Valjean and his experience of redemption. It examines the nature of law and grace, and expounds upon the history of France,  politics, moral philosophy,  justice, religion, and the nature of romantic and familial love, which were the results of the writer’s long-term experience and deliberation and thus could not be simply reflected by observing people’s appearance and behavior. Another example is the activist and prominent leader in the African American civil rights movement, Martin Luther King, without his famous inspiring “I have a dream” speech, we can not get to know the  racial segregation and racial discrimination in a deeper way. The works and arts are jewelries unrevealed behind the appearance and behaviors.

To sum up, the appearance and behavior of its people are helpful for us to get to know obvious aspects of a society in a convenient way. Nevertheless, if one are willing to uncover the values and ideas of a society in a deeper way, it is necessary for one to evaluate more complicated circumstances and pick up the  essencial beliefs  of the society from the superficial ones . Only in this way, may one get a comprehensive conclusion.
=======================

Revised By nanfeng

批改标注:
1。红色，表示“错误”
2。洋红，表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色，是我的批注
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

In the issue, the author emphasizes the crucial role that the way people look, dress, and act plays. One reveals his/her attitudes and interests from their fashions of appearance and behaviors. That reminds us a commonplace【最好去掉】 illustration. When we look for a job, predecessors always suggest that good appearance be indispensable to a successful job-hunting, since a girl in refined suit definitely looks more professional, self-confident, and therefore eligible. What’s more, we can discover【用deduce更好吧~~~】 the applicant’s attitude toward this job, partly yet importantly【不确定是这样表达么？】, from the way one dress in the interviews. A person who shows great interests on the job can hardly wear casually.


【建议加上个开头段~~~】

During the roaring twenties, Americans found themselves in a struggle between the old ways of their ancestors and the new ways of the future. The once steadfast beliefs were suddenly challenged, such as men and women should not touch while dancing, and ladies should not drink or smoke.
【考试的时候千万别按照ETS范文写，这样肯定是3分一下。。。】The society's ideas and values was changing quietly, where could we find the clue of this revolution? If you observed carefully, at that time, you would easily get the answer: women wore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts. All these icons show a new materialistic attitude that America had never before experienced.【额。。。又是原文，其实你可以上网找资料自己整合的~~~】
This philosophy was characterized by having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in the leisure’s of life. America along its path of change eventually led to the greatest social unrest that the United States had ever known. Everyone makes their contribution to a society’s ideas and philosophy. Yet not all of them can convey their voice and opinions publicly like the writers and politicians. For most of citizens, it is more practical to express their thoughts through the way they dress or act. It was an unforgettable summer when Li Yuchun won the Super Girl singing contest (similar to the Idol series of contests around the world) in 2005. Her win came as a surprise to many people because she was so radically different from the usual stereotype of female singers, being somewhat androgynous【这个说实话用的有点过。。。】-looking and sounding. Li's national fame rose quickly and she quickly gathered a large fan base across China immediately. Li usually wore loose jeans and a black button-down shirt, with no make-up and the short haircut. Her great success is not a just matter of pop music, but a matter of brand-new social concepts 【正确的说应该是一部分人的价值观比较好】about females in new centuries. The society【其实是部分人，不是整个社会的主流价值观】 admires multiple and strong individuality nowadays, which accounts for the large number of Li’s fans in China.
【这段这要有两个问题：1 和上面写的一样，千万别照着ETS的原文写。。。2 李宇春的例子不太好，这个好像反映不了整个社会的价值观。。。而且估计老外也不知她是谁。。。】
However, a society’s values and ideas are so complicated that one can not merely judge them from the appearance and behavior of its people. Inside superficial appearance and behaviors, the emotions and opinions are sometimes hided【hidden】. “The Miserable Ones”, a novel by French author Victor Hugo, focuses on the struggles of ex-convict Jean Valjean and his experience of redemption. It examines the nature of law and grace, and expounds upon the history of France,  politics, moral philosophy,  justice, religion, and the nature of romantic and familial love, which were the results of the writer’s long-term experience and deliberation and thus could not be simply reflected by observing people’s appearance and behavior. Another example is the activist and prominent leader in the African American civil rights movement, Martin Luther King, 【改成“.”后面的单词大写，否则语法不太对】without his famous inspiring “I have a dream” speech, we can not get to know the  racial segregation and racial discrimination in a deeper way. The works and arts are jewelries unrevealed behind the appearance and behaviors.【明白你的意思，但是应该不是这样表达】
【你这个资料是从WIKI粘贴过来的。。。最好还是不要这么做，要不考试的时候就写不出来了。。。】

To sum up, the appearance and behavior of its people 【去掉】are helpful for us to get to know obvious aspects of a society in a convenient way. Nevertheless, if one【前面还是us，现在变成one了。。。改成we】
are【is】
willing to uncover the values and ideas of a society in a deeper way, it is necessary
for one
to evaluate more complicated circumstances and pick up the  essencial 【essential】beliefs  of the society from the superficial ones . Only in this way, 【去掉】may one get a comprehensive conclusion.
【a comprehensive picture of our society’ concepts】
综合评价;
1 最好加一个开头段，否则有点突兀
2 建议以后写作文不要再抄原文了。。。不论是ETS的还是WIKI的。。。否则真正考试时候很有可能想不起来，不知怎么表达，还是转换成自己的东西才有用~~~
3 有的例子还不是很合适，见每段的批注
4 语法错误不是很多，但是语言还需精炼

=======================

nanfeng25899UID: 2629871

===========
     论点提纲
===========
1 一个社会中人们的穿着，外表确实会反应给社会的理念和价值观，例如roaring twenties中的the lost generation
2 一个社会人们的行为也会帮助认识社会的理念，比如中西方的教育方式的不同
3 有些理念和价值观无法从外表和行为中获知，如文人和艺术家对社会的认识和看法往往寄寓在他们的作品中

===========
     习作正文
===========

Do really the appearance and behavior reflects our society's value and ideas at all aspects? Of course, in most cases, from the dress, look, and acts, we can deduce their interests and attitudes thereby realizing the culture of a time. However, there is also something crucial in a society ideology that we need other means to discover them.

In the history of many countries, the changes of the dress or hairstyle are definitely a sign of the new culture and values. In the roaring twenties, as the World War I broke out, more and more youth desire to escape from the suffering of the war, so ,at that time, the new generation show up. Young people began to model themselves on the movie and TV stars who represented a glamorous new age. Even this lost generation manifested themselves as the flapper and sheik . The flapper features with one of the short bobbled or shingled hair and new style of dresses, which demonstrated to others that they were totally different from the old generation and expressed their values and ideas. In this case, it is the appearance' change that is a mirror of what attitudes poeple hold to the society.

Also, how the people act to the same issue will also be the reflection of their own society's value. For example, when it comes to the best method to educate children, there is a big gap among the parents in China and America.
If a child want to throw a coin into a very thin slot and after trying many times they fail to make it, there is odds that the Chinese parents will teach their little son or daughter how to do it, on the contrary, the American will not let him or her stop trying until they succeed. This case illustrate us that the Chinese prefer to teaching hand by hand, which means they are more dependent on the others, whereas the American largely advocate the individualism, that is, everyone should handle their issues by themselves. So sometimes the reaction dealing with problems will tell us the different trait of the society.

However, even though the appearance and behavior mirror the ideas, the emotions and opinions of some are masked behind those surfaces. In order to elicit them and fully understand our society, we should study the outcomes of different times, such as the great paintings or the works. The ugly duckling written by Anderson is just a reflection of his opinion for the society. In this inspiring story, the tragic trip of the ugly duckling is the innuendo of the dark side of the world using. Another example is the Gogh; his significant works just inform us his intrinsic voice. Therefore, except the extrinsic things, there is a necessary need to unearth the substances behind them.

Overall, inferring from the appearance and behaviors, we perhaps can recognize the value of the society, but if you desire to get a whole view of ideas and values the more significant key will be to reveal the concealed thinking.


=======================

Revised By  SHEVAVA

=======================   
蓝色：结构句
红色：问题
绿色：好词句
橙色：段落总结

Do really the appearance and behavior reflects our society's value and ideas at all aspects?（我喜欢这种开头方式） Of course, in most cases, from the dress, look, and acts, we can deduce their interests and attitudes thereby realizing the culture of a time. However, there is also something crucial in a society ideology that we need other means to discover them（多了）.

In the history of many countries, the changes of the dress or hairstyle are definitely a sign of the new culture and values. In the roaring twenties, as the World War I broke out, more and more youth desire to escape from the suffering of the war, so, at that time, the new generation shows up. Young people began to model themselves on the movie and TV stars who（that） represented a glamorous new age. Even this lost generation manifested themselves as
the flapper and sheik. The flapper features with one of the short bobbled or shingled hair and new style of dresses, which demonstrated to others that they were totally different from the old generation and expressed their values and ideas. In this case, it is the appearance' change that is a mirror of what attitudes people hold to the society.（例子很好，描述的很具体，形象，也很好的证明了观点）

Also, how the people act to the same issue will also be the reflection of their own society's value. For example, when it comes to the best method to educate children, there is a big gap among the parents in China and America.If a child want to throw a coin into a very thin slot and after trying many times they fail to make it, there is odds that the Chinese parents will teach their little son or daughter how to do it, on the contrary, the American will not let him or her stop trying until they succeed. This case illustrate（s） us that the Chinese prefer to teaching hand by hand, which means they are more dependent on the others, whereas the American largely advocate the individualism, that is, everyone should handle their issues by themselves（individualism是个人主义，不是这么解释的吧，虽然美国人是非常看重自主能力，independence）. So sometimes the reaction dealing with problems will tell us the different trait of the society.（不知道美国人是不是这么干的？我觉得是不是中国家长是替他们放进，美国家长叫他们怎么放；另外举例子前多加点说理性的）

However, even though the appearance and behavior mirror the ideas, the emotions and opinions of some are masked behind those surfaces. In order to elicit them and fully understand our society, we should study the outcomes of different times, such as the great paintings or the works. The ugly duckling（"The Ugly Duckling"） written by Anderson is just a reflection of his opinion for the society. In this inspiring story, the tragic trip of the ugly duckling is the innuendo of the dark side of the world using. Another example is the Gogh; his significant works just inform us his intrinsic voice. Therefore, except the extrinsic things, there is a necessary need to unearth the substances behind them. (下面的例子好像不能说明论点，下面说的是文化作品，不是the emotions and opinions of some are masked behind the appearance and behavior，是不是可以说除了the appearance and behavior，还有其他形式反映社会形态；或者据其他的例子，比如人不可貌相等)

Overall, inferring from the appearance and behaviors, we perhaps can recognize the value of the society, but if you desire to get a whole view of ideas and values the more significant key will be to reveal the concealed thinking.（结尾可更具体的描述一下）


结构清晰合理，观点鲜明，组织条理，逻辑也清晰
内容点评在短落后
语言优美，特别是词汇的运用上，恩~~~学习啦…

zmssghhUID: 2779772

===========
     论点提纲
===========

1：肯定从外表可以在默写方面认识一个人或一个社会
2：然而，从外表不能全面的认识一个人，有的时候很表面
3：不仅如此，仅凭外表判断一个人和一个社会有时会得到错误的判断

===========
     习作正文
===========



The statement concludes that people's appearance, such as the way people look, dress and behave, can reveal much about a person as well as the whole society, to which i only agree to some extent. From my point of view, although we can, to some extent, know about a person through his appearance, it is unadvisable for us to judge a person merely based on his attire and behaviors.

Firstly, I concede that the way people dress and behave can sometimes inform us some information about the person's characteristics, attitude and value, and that is the way we often adopt to get the first expression of a strange person. When we are selecting clothes or arranging for our spare time, it is certainly that we will be more concentrate on the things most appealing to us. Thus, these outward appearances can reveal some aspects of our character, at least our current interests, and our attitude towards work and life. That's why we often see professors wearing formal suit while rock singers usually appears to be in some informal clothes with abstract pictures on it. What's more, as the society consists of single person, we can learn a lot about a society by the appearance of the people in it. For example, if the majority of the people wear the same kinds of clothes, just like people in India, it is certain that this society hold a relative-single culture.

However, what I state above does not mean that I entirely agree with the statement that we can judge a person as well as a society merely based on the appearance of the people. Admittedly, the way people dress and behave does inform us some information about them. Yet, only clothes and behaviors cannot present the whole person for us. Just take Bill Gates for example. Bill, one of the richest people in the world, always dresses like a plebeian programmer. From his appearance, you can learn nothing but that he must be a poor or modest guy while the fact is that he is a great business leader as well as a outstanding philanthropist. What's more, people nowadays tend to camouflage themselves for their own interest. Those selfish peddlers may pretend to be bounteous and those who are timid may sometimes act like a hero in order to get social identity. Therefore, it is impossible for us to assess a person merely based on his outward appearance, let alone figure down the whole society.

As I am concerned, when we talk about people's ideas and values, we should be more concerned with the inner parts of a person rather than some superficial thing. Thus, the statement that one can judge a person and a society by observing the behavior of people is undoubtedly unacceptable. Moreover, adopting such a unilateral way can even cause us to draw some wrong conclusion.例子(不好意思，今天确实没时间找个例子写进去了，回头我再补上吧，呵呵 ). Therefore, in order to judge a person overall, we must find out more about the person besides his way of dress and behave.

To sum up, the appearance of a person can reveal his interests to some degree. However, we cannot judge a person merely by his appearance. In order to understand a person, afterwards a society, we must gather more information besides appearance before drawing our conclusion.

=======================

Revised By

=======================