qbu 5-6月作文练习

qbuUID: 3612188

授权声明：本人为寄托ID qbu 的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

考试日期：6.25

背景：托福作文25


欢迎各位的指正！同时，非常感谢您能抽出时间来批改我的作文。如在阅读时感到严重的不适，欢迎投诉！


查询文章请看2楼电梯贴 谢谢！

2015 5/18
2楼 Argument 170 提纲（已批改）
3楼 Argument 170 全文（已批改）
2015 5/20
10楼 Argu 81（原文）
11楼 Argu 81（学校writing center批改）
2015 5/26
12楼 Argu 32（未批改）

qbuUID: 3612188

Argu 170 提纲
原题：
170) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a company that builds shopping malls around the country.
The surface of a section of Route 101, paved just two years ago by Good Intentions Roadways, is now badly cracked with a number of dangerous potholes. In another part of the state, a section of Route 40, paved by Appian Roadways more than four years ago, is still in good condition. In a demonstration of their continuing commitment to quality, Appian Roadways recently purchased state-of-the-art paving machinery and hired a new quality-control manager. Therefore, I recommend hiring Appian Roadways to construct the access roads for all our new shopping malls. I predict that our Appian access roads will not have to be repaired for at least four years.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

看到这道题让我想起另一道将灭虫的和一道讲地产代理卖房，还有讲运垃圾？ 都是这一类的题目 比较不同的供应商并作出推荐 感觉楼主可以尝试把这类题目都找出来 开一个帖子  
这样可以举一反三

原文论据
I recommend hiring Appian Roadways to construct the access roads for all our new shopping malls

原文论证：
1.The surface of a section of Route 101, paved just two years ago by Good Intentions Roadways, is now badly cracked with a number of dangerous potholes. In another part of the state, a section of Route 40, paved by Appian Roadways more than four years ago, is still in good condition.
2.In a demonstration of their continuing commitment to quality, Appian Roadways recently purchased state-of-the-art paving machinery and hired a new quality-control manager
3. I predict that our Appian access roads will not have to be repaired for at least four years.

提纲：
开头第一段
In this argument, it is recommended that new shopping mall should pick Appian Road, instead of Good Intentions Roadways as the access roads contractor. Firstly, Route constructed by Appian Road maintains a better condition for a longer period than the one made by Good Intentions Roadways. Moreover, Appian Road has invested in a brand new paving machinery and employed a new quality-control manager. Also, the vice president anticipates the access road built by Appian wouldn't require any reparation for 4 years. In order to evaluate the above recommendations, several questions are needed to be answered.

instead of 后面应该是一个双逗号的插入语 漏了一个逗号
firstly 前面最好加一个引导 based on the following reasons ...  

这里summarize argument可以简练一些  
several questions about ... 提一下哪几个方面可能更符合1+3模型的要求  


内容
第二段
Firstly, more investigation need to be made to evaluate the specific reason why section of route built by Appian Road last longer for better condition comparing with Good Intentions Roadways.
Appian 修的路更好有可能是因为地理位置所导致的用途区别，而不是质量区别

第三段
Secondly, new paving machinery and quality-control manger doesn't represent Appian Roads' commitment to quality.
并不知道新的机器和员工的品质

这里重点不是commitment to quality而是whether the company can do a good job in a cost-effective way
其实可以反过来想 新机器要折旧 那么成本可能会摊到顾客身上 操作新机器还可能有培训成本  
另外 新经理是否能做好 未知之数   


第四段
Moreover, one has to examine the overall ability of Appian Roads for various types of construction
并不知道Appian修商店通路的能力。

这个点不知道你怎么展开 我要看看全文先

全文在三楼

qbuUID: 3612188

Argu 170 练习全文，用时45分钟  字数484
要尽快开始限时30分钟内完成 宁愿少写一点

170) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a company that builds shopping malls around the country.
The surface of a section of Route 101, paved just two years ago by Good Intentions Roadways, is now badly cracked with a number of dangerous potholes. In another part of the state, a section of Route 40, paved by Appian Roadways more than four years ago, is still in good condition. In a demonstration of their continuing commitment to quality, Appian Roadways recently purchased state-of-the-art paving machinery and hired a new quality-control manager. Therefore, I recommend hiring Appian Roadways to construct the access roads for all our new shopping malls. I predict that our Appian access roads will not have to be repaired for at least four years.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

In this argument, it is recommended that new shopping mall should pick Appian Road, instead of Good Intentions Roadways as the access roads contractor. Firstly, Route constructed by Appian Road maintains a better condition for a longer period than the one made by Good Intentions Roadways. Moreover, Appian Road has invested in a brand new paving machinery and employed a new quality-control manager. Also, the vice president anticipates the access road built by Appian wouldn't require any reparation for 4 years. In order to evaluate the above recommendations, several questions are needed to be answered.

这段楼上已评
这里summarize argument可以简练一些  （如何简练的概述argument是一个需要专门练习的技巧）
several questions about ... 提一下哪几个方面可能更符合1+3模型的要求   


Firstly, more investigation need to be made to evaluate the specific reason why section of route built by Appian Road last longer for better condition comparing with Good Intentions Roadways. It is possible that the key factor influencing the condition of the road is the location rather than companies. As they are located in different parts of the State, the use of transportation for two Routes would vary in a large degree. For example, one section of Route may be used frequently for heavy duty trucks, while the other one is only used for small automobiles. If that is the case, even though the two companies have similar ability to build roads, the roads would still have different condition.

evaluate reason 搭配要查一下
last longer for better condition ？


Secondly, new paving machinery and quality-control manger doesn't represent Appian Roads' commitment to quality. On one hand, it is not clear about the quality of new paving machinery. There is a possibility that the new paving machinery is a cheap and low-quality thus may even lower the standard for Appian. Also, the new machinery paving may be   purchased for other projects instead of access roads for the shopping mall. Then, the new machinery wouldn't help improving the quality for this project. On the other hand, similar question is applied for the new quality manager as well. As his or her credential is unknown, how much access roads of shopping mall could be benefited from him or her is not sure as well.

题目说了machine是state of the art 你提出可能是cheap low quality 不太合适 这里的问题是提出不符合题意或不靠谱的其他可能性  

help improving 语法
similar question is applied 搭配   



Moreover, one has to examine the overall ability of Appian Roads for various types of construction. Even though Appian Roads has built a section of Route that lasted for 4 years without a repair, it doesn't mean such quality would be maintained for all kinds of projects. The previous successful example may only applied for Route construction rather than shopping mall access road construction. If Appian Roads is only specializing in Route construction with no expertise in shopping mall access road construction, then they couldn’t hold the responsibility for this project.

overall ability这个概念不太确定是啥意思  你想说的是 The second question we need to answer is whether Appian has the expertise and capabilities to build the type of access roads for  shopping malls, which might be very different from the routes that the company built before.  



such quality would be maintained搭配
The previous successful example may only applied 语法  整句表达有问题  




As far as selecting the contractor, first question is to investigate the specific reason for the condition of their existing projects. Then, questions about the quality of new paving machinery and qualification of the new quality manager need to be answered. Last but not least, Appian Roads’ ability to build access road should be questioned as well.

结尾其实没必要逐点总结  



first question is to investigate 表达

可能楼主要多练习一下分析argument 找准切入点  
中间第一段写得还不错  
第三段的点也还可以 但是表达方面的问题很多 你可以逐句拿到加油站去修改   

另外这道题一个很重要的考虑因素是成本   




练后感：确实感觉自己的逻辑能力一般，并且语言不明觉弱。还望重拍。

王sirUID: 3599773

qbu 发表于 2015-5-19 10:36
Argu 170 练习全文，用时45分钟  字数484

In this argument, it is recommended that new shopping mall ...

我觉得挺好的，思路很清晰，语言简洁明了几乎无语法错误，还奢求什么呢？嘿嘿。

qbuUID: 3612188

qbu 发表于 2015-5-19 10:36
Argu 170 练习全文，用时45分钟  字数484
要尽快开始限时30分钟内完成 宁愿少写一点

谢谢老师点评。感觉老师指出了我复习考试中的真实问题！
一些读后感和提问：
1.请问Argument的切入点如何训练，是按照网上所给的提纲去记住么？还是有什么好的破题方法
2.加油站的版内位置

再次忠心谢谢老师！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

qbu 发表于 2015-5-19 20:03
谢谢老师点评。感觉老师指出了我复习考试中的真实问题！
一些读后感和提问：
1.请问Argument的切入点如 ...

加油站在我博客1楼有链接
切入点的训练 你可以多看看我写的文章 也在博客2楼有目录

王sirUID: 3599773

qbu 发表于 2015-5-19 20:03
谢谢老师点评。感觉老师指出了我复习考试中的真实问题！
一些读后感和提问：
1.请问Argument的切入点如 ...

我之前看的李建林的5.5，可以看看。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

楼主还在写么 下周一开始同主题写作

qbuUID: 3612188

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-21 09:13
楼主还在写么 下周一开始同主题写作

老师我是一直在写的。我今天按照时间内写了一篇Argu，并且拿到我们学校的writing center去改过了。我随后会把原文和和改动后的文章都贴出来。老师可以继续对批改后的文章发表意见。毕竟老师对GRE的理解应该是比我们学校writing center 要更专业的。并且我也会参加5月份的批改活动。谢谢老师关心！

qbuUID: 3612188

Argu 81 30分钟，415字

这里是原文，下一楼是去学校writing center 以后的改动和评价
81) The following appeared in a business magazine.
As a result of numerous complaints of dizziness and nausea on the part of consumers of Promofoods tuna, the company requested that eight million cans of its tuna be returned for testing. Promofoods concluded that the canned tuna did not, after all, pose a health risk. This conclusion is based on tests performed on samples of the recalled cans by chemists from Promofoods; the chemists found that of the eight food chemicals most commonly blamed for causing symptoms of dizziness and nausea, five were not found in any of the tested cans. The chemists did find small amounts of the three remaining suspected chemicals but pointed out that these occur naturally in all canned foods.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be addressed in order to decide whether the conclusion and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to the questions would help to evaluate the conclusion.


According to the argument, Promofoods tuna cans has been tested as healthy although various complaints. However, there are several questions still need to answered to make such conclusion

请你有空把有问题的句子拿到句子加油站订正总结一下
make such conclusion ？
是要evaluate ...


First, although 8 million cans of tuna has been tested as healthy, it doesn't means most of the Promofoods tuna can would be healthy. It is not clear about the proportion of tested cans towards the total produced cans. For example, if Promofoods has made 800million cans of such products, then testing of 8 million cans couldn't be valid. Also, the production date of tested cans is not presented as well. There is possibility that all the tested cans are made in very recent dates, while the tuna can causing healthy issue were actually made in a few month ago. Thus, more information is needed for the overall production situation of such product.

8 million cans of tuna has been tested as healthy你要把题目读清楚  
你题目都没认真读就写文章 这让我很无语
不往下看了


Moreover, chemists from Promofoods might lead to the bias results. Due to the conflict of interest, the chemists who are authorized to test those tuna cans should have no relationship with Promofoods. That means if a chemists involved in test is hired by Promofoods, he or she could give the result which is preferred by Promofoods. For example, the Promofoods might threaten those chemists that if they would lose their job if negative results are shown. Therefore, in order to ensure the unbiased results, chemists shouldn't be hired by Promofoods. Instead, they should be hired by third party with full qualification such as government agency.

Last but not least, the chemical substance test results doesn't means those cans are healthy. Tuna cans might contain chemicals that cause dizziness and nausea other than the 8 tested common chemicals. The 8 common chemicals might come from regular meat such as pork, beef or chicken. The tuna, on the other hand, is an ingredient from the ocean thus might still contain chemicals causing dizziness and nausea other than those 8 common chemicals. Also, although the 3 existing chemicals have very small amount, it doesn’t indicate if they are within the healthy range. That means, those 3 existing chemicals may still damage consumer's health condition, despite their minimal amount. Thus, the standard of using those 3 existing chemicals is needed to be informed if they meet the healthy requirements.
In conclusion, the tested results couldn't tell story about if the tuna cans is safe or not. The question about the total production, chemists the conflict of interest and tested chemicals are need to answer to make future conclusions.

qbuUID: 3612188

这是改后的Argu 81

qbuUID: 3612188

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-21 09:13
楼主还在写么 下周一开始同主题写作

老师这是我的ARGU 32

Argu 32

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


According to the argument, vice president of Quiot suggests that hours of shift need to be shorten in order to reduce the on the job accidents and thus increase the productivity. However, there are few assumptions need to be examined before making such suggestions.

To begin with, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing makes a logic fallacy to connect the worker' shift hours and on-job-accident by comparing with Panoply Industries. In other words, we are not sure if less accidents from Panoply Industries is really due to the shorter shifts. The alternative possibility is the nature of the two companies. For example, Panoply Industries may be an auto-manufacturing industries which employs many robots. That means less human workers would involve in the manufacturing process. However, the Quiot may be a conventional manufacturing company that requires workers to interact with the machine extensively. In that cases, the reason of more accidents is not because of fatigue, but the type of companies. Therefore, assumption that we can compare the Panoply Industries and Quiot manufacturing is need to be examined.

Moreover, shorten one hour for each shifts doesn't mean more sleep for workers. As we are not informed with original duration of the shift, it is unclear if lessen the shifts would increase the worker's sleep hour. On one hand, if the original hours of shift may not be long at all, then workers should already have enough sleep .On the other hand, even though the original hours of shift might be long , it doesn't mean cut one hour from each shift would guarantee more sleep from workers. For example, after long hours or working, workers might choose to spend their extra hour to drink a bar for more relax. Thus, simply shorten the hours of shift wouldn't certain to give more sleep to the workers and we need to examine such assumption as well.

Following the above, the vice presidents also assumes that fatigue and sleep deprivation could cause more on-the-job accidents. Such arguments sounds plausible, but need more evidence or specific data to make it stronger. In the argument, the Vice president refer the argument from "Experts". The question is the validity of the "Experts". First, the credential of the experts is not displayed, thus, we are not sure if these "Experts" can be trusted. Moreover, even if they qualify make the above arguments, the degree of the contribution from the workers' sleeplessness and fatigue towards the on the job accident need to be supported by evidence. For example, data of about how much contribution should be presented .Just making reference to some experts would not be convincing to assume that fatigue and sleep deprivation could lead to more on the job accident.

Without examine the above assumptions, vice president of Quiot Manufacturing can't make concrete suggestions that shorter shifts of work improve the on-the-job accident.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

qbu 发表于 2015-5-21 09:48
Argu 81 30分钟，415字

这里是原文，下一楼是去学校writing center 以后的改动和评价

我们同主题这周写的是argument 32和 71

qbuUID: 3612188

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 09:25
我们同主题这周写的是argument 32和 71

谢谢老师。ARGu71随后就上！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

貌似你没有把练习楼层的链接发到练习帖上去 因此未能参与互改