蒙牛的20篇板油习作修改合集（下）

forbeckUID: 2297645

前边的废话不多说了;)
只能真心地感谢大家一直以来对鸭版作文互改活动的支持:loveliness:

在这再说明一下：引用框里的是各位板油的原文，后边跟着的回帖是经我拙劣修改后的文字:vomit: 最后附上原贴的链接，方便各位参考其他热心板油的修改成果:handshake


合集（上）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=729997&highlight=

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-28 16:48 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that sexual equality is essential in many ways of modern society, for example, government, hospital or even campus. However, I consider the question is not whether it involves human rights but whether, as a whole, takes benefit to our community.

Both man and woman play significant roles in the society. There goes a common stereotype that doctor is most probably a male while nurse is female. However, does any change be possible? University provides a transition from theoretical study to social practice, in addition, it takes a considerable amount of proportion in education. For some famous medical schools, nursing course does not own its reputation only on female, but also on male. As the global population increases steadily, people are gradually concerned about the health and sanitation problems, then turns to the higher requirements of medical personnel. The conditions of becoming a doctor are actually more serious than nurse, because doctor sometimes relates to the death and life of a patient. Moreover, male plays a considerably great part of population in some countries. Therefore, it is sensible for man to study nursing in order to maintain the health security. Why do schools stop those men who just want to contribute to their countries?

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.
According to that, some schools probably change their enrolment setting to cater which so called ‘student market’. Although the transformation covers a little bit of sex discrimination, it sounds reasonable on some way. Campus should allocate the teaching resources rationally as those things are contributed by tax money which, for a citizen, is unwilling to see it wasted. That is really the need of our society.

University, which cultivates distinguished people, should listen to the request of the community. If balance between boys and girls is forced, an educational authority need to accept. However, it may be far so long to reach sex equivalent in our environment.

Some people think that sexual equality is essential in many ways of modern society, for example/环城such as, government, hospital or even campus. However, I consider the question is not whether it involves human rights but whether, as a whole, takes benefit to our community.
这开篇的定位就在偷换概念啦！university怎么就扩大到社会的各个角落了呢？首段最好也点名一下自己的观点

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.

Both man and woman play significant roles in the society. There goes a common stereotype that doctor is most probably a male while nurse is female. However, does any change be possible? University provides a transition from theoretical study to social practice, in addition, it takes a considerable amount of proportion in education. For some famous medical schools, nursing course does not own its reputation only on female, but also on male. As the global population increases steadily, people are gradually concerned about the health and sanitation problems, then turns to the higher requirements of medical personnel. The conditions of becoming a doctor are actually more serious than 这个指待不明，加个that of吧nurse, because doctor sometimes relates to the death and life of a patient. Moreover, male plays a considerably great part of population in some countries. Therefore, it is sensible for man to study nursing in order to maintain the health security. Why do schools stop those men who just want to contribute to their countries?这个例子选的角度太狭隘了，如果是护校，甚至算不上college的级别阿？？？护理专业倒不是学校限制招生，而是社会的看法扭曲了。还有，段落最好不要用问句结尾，容易弄巧成拙哦　

Students can choose the aspirations in their own, on the other hand, universities which provide human resources and educational devices, should pave the way for students. There is a tendency that, an increasing number of male students select majors, like software and electricity, paralleling with female students in teaching.论述略显单薄

According to that, some schools probably change their enrolment setting to cater which so called ‘student market’. Although the transformation covers a little bit of sex discrimination, it sounds reasonable on /insome way. Campus should allocate the teaching resources rationally as those things are contributed by tax money which, for a citizen, is unwilling to see it wasted. That is really the need of our society.这教育资源什么的，若没有女学生用，也还有男学生阿，不会浪费的　

University, which cultivates distinguished people, should listen to the request of the community. If balance between boys and girls is forced, an educational authority needs to accept. However, it may be far so long to reach sex equivalent in our environment.一整篇看完，才在最后一句发现了你的中心意思。建议：
1、文章很散，可能因为你开篇就没给自己定下一个基调，这样想到什么就写什么，越到后边就越散；
2、长短句还用得挺好
3、文章的字数362个字啊！超过规定100多字~~下次考虑少写点吧

原贴http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=730545

forbeckUID: 2297645

Nowadays, the quality of education is very low. Some people think that we should encourage our students to evaluate and criticize their teachers; others believe that this would result in a loss of respect and discipline in the classroom. Discuss.

Nowadays, there is an increasing discussion on whether students should be encouraged to give feedback concerning about their teachers. As is known to us, the purpose of education is to cultivate excellent students. Therefore, students’ opinions play an essential role in teaching and studying.

For starters, students will be provided more chances to communicate with teachers under the scheme of evaluation. In China, it is always the case that what the students carry out is to follow the teachers’ instruction. There is little space for children to develop their ideas. This situation will lead to some bad effects. For example, some students who can’t catch up with other classmates may reluctant to speak out their needs for help, because they only have to do what they are told to. Therefore, I believe the feedback from students will enclose the relationship between students and teachers.

Furthermore, teachers will also gain some valueable information from students, which will improve their teaching skill as well as knowledge background. They are possible to explore other teaching methods to upgrade students’ academic achievement.

Moreover, school will benefit from this scheme as well. Nowadays, the competition between schools is more fierce than before. The scheme of evaluation which not only meets the students’ need but also improves teachers’ teaching level will have an influential impact on the quality of education. Hence, high reputation will be awarded to these schools.

Although there are numerous advantages , we can not deny the fact that there are some drawbacks. Some students may tend to show disrepect to teachers or disobey the rules of class. However, I hold the opinion that if students get a clear perspective to be a remarkable students in school, it is likely that they would like to coordinate with the evaluation.

All in all, I agree with the evaluation of teachers, because it brings about more advantages than adversities. I suggest that it should be introduced widespread.

Nowadays, there is an increasing discussion on whether students should be encouraged to give feedback concerning about省略 their teachers. As is known to us, the purpose of education is to cultivate excellent students. Therefore, students’ opinions play an essential role in teaching and studying.最好在不上一句明确的观点，不要太含蓄咯For starters这是最为初学者解释吗？和后边的衔接很勉强。过渡得也太突兀了, students will be provided more chances to communicate with teachers under the scheme of evaluation. In China, it is always the case that what the students carry out is to follow the teachers’ instruction. There is little space for children to develop their ideas. This situation will lead to some bad这个词过于简单了 effects. For example, some students who can’t catch up with other classmates may reluctant to speak out their needs for help, because they only have to do what they are told to. Therefore, I believe the feedback from students will enclose /closethe relationship between students and teachers.

Furthermore, teachers will also gain some valueable information from students, which will improve their teaching skill as well as knowledge background. They are possible to explore other teaching methods to upgrade students’ academic achievement.和上段的论证比起来论证显得很淡薄，应该是缺了论据原因

Moreover, schools will benefit from this scheme as well. Nowadays, the competition between schools is more fierce/fiercer than before. The scheme of evaluation which not only meets the students’ need but also improves teachers’ teaching level will have an influential impact on the quality of education. Hence, high reputation will be awarded to these schools.和大家的观点一样，这个reputation在教学过程中有什么用呢？可以考虑换一个角度讨论

Although there are numerous advantages , we can not deny the fact that there are some drawbacks. 过渡得好Some students may tend to show disrepect to teachers or disobey the rules of class. However, I hold the opinion that if students get a clear perspective to be a 去掉remarkable students in school, it is likely that they would like to coordinate with the evaluation. 在这种单一观点的文章里，可以提出drawback，不过，最好能提出solution，但是这样一来，就要占用很大篇幅的文字，很容易和题目的目的Discuss有所出入的

All in all, I agree with the evaluation of teachers, because it brings about more advantages than adversities？. I suggest that it should be introduced widespread/widespreadly.

建议：
1、总的来说，首尾段呼应的不错
2、中间部分比较客观，但最好调整下顺序，是文章逻辑性更强~~
3、考试的时候，字数以250-280为佳
原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-730261-1-2.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task1The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

This table illustrates the proportion of variety types of households living in poverty in Australia in 1999. The number of poverty households is 1,837,000 and account about 11 per cent of total families in Australia.

From the table we can see that the households with single aged person and aged couple take nearly similar proportion of all, which 6 per cent and 4 per cent respectively. Interestingly, compare with the families with couple and no children, account just 7 per cent, those single men or women with no children take 19 per cent, strikingly more than the former. The families with sole parent take 21 per cent of all, nearly 9 per cent more than the couple families with children. It is clearly that the proportion of the households with wife and husband but have no children is less than those who with sons and daughters, 7 per cent compare with 12 per cent, however, the population of former is dramatically nearly seven hundred thousands less than later.
(Word: 146)

This table illustrates the proportion of variety types of households living in poverty in Australia in 1999. The number of poverty households is 1,837,000 and account/困惑，这个主语是NUMBER还是HOUSEHOLDS about 11 per cent of total families in Australia.

From the table we can see that the households with single aged person and aged couple take/took nearly similar proportion of all, which was 6 per cent and 4 per cent respectively. Interestingly, compared with the families with couple and no children, accounting just 7 per cent, those single men or women with no children take/took 19 per cent, strikingly more than the former. The families with sole parent take/took  21 per cent of all, nearly 9 per cent more than the couple families with children. It is clearly that the proportion of the households with wife and husband这是不是也得用复数阿？我也糊涂了 but have no children is/was less than those who with sons and daughters, 7 per cent compare with 12 per cent, however, the population of former is/was dramatically nearly seven hundred thousands less than later.

(Word: 146)字数不够哦~~~~~

Task 2Topic: Should sports classes be sacrificed in High School so students can concentrate on Academic subjects?

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Outline:
第一段：坚决反对学术科占用体育课的时间，并且在高中，体育课的时间还应该增加。
第二段：参加体育活动可以锻炼学生的身体，让学生在学习的时候有更大的精力和耐力。
第三段：参加体育活动可以有效的释放压力，调整学生的心情。
第四段：\长远的来看，会对学生产生不利的影响，高中的学生正处在发育阶段，缺少体育锻炼会严重影响发育。
第五段：总而言之，升学固然重要，但不是全部，拥有一个强健的体魄会让学生一生受益。
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
With the increasing emphasis on examination performance, there is a popular trend that a lot of High Schools inclined to cut down the time of sport class so that have more time for academic subjects. It seems to me that, I absolutely cannot agree with that sacrifice the exercise time of students for any reason.

First, it is benefit that take sports for students and thus make them have more energy and endurance to study other subjects. Instead of interfere the studying, proper physical exercise can promote studying significantly.

Secondly, facing with pressure coming from innumerate exams, if students only study in classroom all the way, they will inevitably generate the anti-study moods, furthermore, it is harmful for students to shoulder too much spiritual pressure since it will have negative impacts to the mental healthy of young people. To a large extent, taking exercises in spare time can appease pressures effectively.

It is cannot deny that, in this ages that job finding become a extremely difficult thing, if young students can not entrance university successfully, it is possible that he or she would be unemployment. Therefore, parents want their kids can enter the university, in the same time, for the benefits of themselves, high schools try hard and use all measures to promote the rate of students entering schools of a higher grade, even by the means that sacrifice other subjects such as sport and music。But, in the long term, it will have adverse influences on students, since the high school students are in the critical phase of maturing, lacking sport exercise will unavoidably hinder normal development, for the parents, do you want your sons and daughters low than their peers in the future?

In conclusion, it is certainly important that student have opportunity to study in university but in all senses, this is far from all for young people, who will surely benefit from having a strength body in entire life. Thus, high schools should emphasize physical training of students rather than reduce the hours of sports class.
(Word:341)

With the increasing emphasis on examination performance, there is a popular trend that a lot of High Schools inclined to cut down the time of sport class so that/so taht后边好像都是跟个整句的吧？ have more time for academic subjects. It seems to me that,这句有点累赘了，一句话里提到两个我？ I absolutely cannot agree with that得跟个名词或分词吧？这个sacrifice在这是作动词的 sacrifice the exercise time of students for any reason.

First, it is benefit that？？？it is benefitial for students to吧？take sports for students and thus make them have more energy and endurance to study other subjects. Instead of interfere/interfering不过我觉得最好把insteas of 换掉，用compared with? the studying, proper physical exercise can promote studying significantly

Secondly, facing with pressures coming from innumerate exams, if students only study in classroom all the way, they will inevitably generate the anti-study moods,用我那个喜欢抓别人标点的表妹的话说，这个影响很大阿！都好不可能了，句子结束，要不就是；要不就是。 furthermore, it is harmful for students to shoulder too much spiritual pressures since it will have negative impacts to the mental healthy of young people/用我们的专外吧，adolescents. To a large extent, taking exercises in spare time can appease pressures effectively.

It is cannot deny that, in/at this ages that这里用那个啥意思呢？ job finding becomes a extremely difficult thing, if young students can not entrance/这个做动词是使人陶醉的意思 university successfully, it is possible that he or she would be unemployment/unemployed. Therefore, parents want their kids can/to enter the university, in the same time, for the benefits of themselves, high schools try hard and use all measures to promote the rate of students entering schools of--with?? a higher grade???, even by the means that sacrifice other subjects such as sport and music。But, in the long term, it will have adverse influences on students, since the high school students are in the critical phase of maturing, lacking sport exercise will unavoidably hinder normal development, for the parents, do you want your sons and daughters lower than their peers in the future? 问句结尾要小心哦

In conclusion, it is certainly important that students have opportunity to study in university but in all senses, this is far from all for young people, who will surely benefit from having a strength body in entire life. Thus, high schools should emphasize physical training of students rather than reduce the hours of sports class.

建议：
1、既然你的body部分用了first,secondly这样的八股文字，那后边一段完全可以在选用一个类似的
2、还有第4段的问句，为让人觉得，你提出这样的句子时时没有底气的，因为前边的论述不完整，有散乱的感觉；
3、另外就是这篇的语法问题，真有点多。
4、还是字数问题，你说你现在化的时间长，可能是你的文字实在太多了，341~~~~写在250-280 为正常，250-260为佳。并不是越多越好，而是越精越好。
原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-730588-1-1.html


[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-22 16:49 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Topic: Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.

The gap between developing countries and industrialized countries has been becoming wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.

It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many factors. So as for developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with the money, they can improve the medical technology, spending more money on education in order to make increasingly children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry.

However, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in a negative position in the global economy. It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experience with the unfortunate countries who has similar condition with them ever before. Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop.

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which need the great help of the richer countries. From what have discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that developed countries have been playing a vital role in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, but also the changes of the world economy.

The gap between developing countries and industrialized countries has been becoming 这种状态依然存在，直接用现在时就好了吧wider and wider, along with the rapid development of the world economy today. Provided that things get worse like this, the developing countries will be weaker in a large number of aspects than ever before, such like health, education, even international trade. From my point of view, unfortunate countries should spare no effort to improve those aspects. At the same time the developed countries’ government should pay more attentions to help the poorer countries.开篇的文字很顺畅，并且切入主题快It is universally accepted that the poorer countries are lack of money, which limit their development in many factors. So这个所以用在这有点中式作文的味道as for这个词和后边的主语不符，考虑删了吧 developed countries, the basic thing they can do is to lend money to the poor nations. Thus, with the money, they这个指待混乱，和前一句的明显不同 can improve the medical technology, spending前面是can + v原型，怎么突然冒出个ing？ more money on education in order to make increasingly children obtain useful knowledge. In addition, they can buy equipment and employ experts from abroad to develop industry.

However, only providing economic support is not enough. Many experts point out that short of experience is another factor which put the poor countries in a单复数没有同行 negative position in the global economy. It is indisputable that the industrialized countries have more experience on how to improve health, education and how to develop economy. They can share their successful experiences with the unfortunate countries who has/have similar conditions with them ever before我觉得这个理论太主观了，很多欧洲国家，一直都很fortunate.他们的经验不一定是和贫穷的一塌糊涂的国家；另外，某些所谓大国的第一桶金来自对外侵略，这个经验都不适合发展中国家学习。前两句的条件限制得不错，后边这句的“成功经验“就有带商榷了Otherwise, it would take the poorer countries considerable years to find the proper way to develop.

To summarize, nowadays it is necessary to develop the global economy, which needs the great help of the richer countries. From what Ihave discussed above, I strongly commit the notion that developed countries have been playing a单复数问题 vital roles in not only the future development of the unfortunate countries, but also the changes of the world economy..结尾段，一直在强调发达国家的作用，却忘记考虑首段你提出的发展中国家自己的问题啦！建议：
1、长句太少，要不里做到长短相结合的下法；
2、文章的论证过程，不够全面，首段提到了发达国家和LDC两者的重要性，但是从BODY部分开始，你却一直在强调发达国家的重要性——如果从哲学最基本的观点，外因通过内因起作用，我想你的论证过程也是很容易被推翻的吧！
3、差点忘了，你在文章中用到It is universally accepted、　It is isputable 之类的词组，这样的词太主观了，谁能说就一定是这样、那样的情况呢？

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-730965-1-1.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

Topic: Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and
hehaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is an obvious fact that there may be some contradictions in culture and custom arising from visitors and hosts. Someone believes that visitors should follow local behaviour, while others  think that the host countries should welcome cultural differences. It seems, apparently, to be opposite between both two sides mentioned above. However, to my mind, these two aspects  can be integrated harmoniously.

To start with, as visitors to other countries, their main aims for travelling are just to gain much different cultural experience, and to appreciate foreign charming landscape. Therefore, by following local custom and hehaviour, and joining in their daily life, isn't it the best way to know more about such a country and their race? In addition, during the harmonious communi-cations, tourists also display their own nation to the hosts to make more close relationshipbetween both sides of people. Hence, following and even incorporating local traditions is an excellcent method to enjoy your journey.

Furthermore, it must be clearly understood that tour and tourists from other places can notonly bring them more income, but also open a window to get knowledge about the world.For instance, Xi'an is an ancient city in China, having a long and glorious history, and reser-ving many relics. So, attracting more foreign visitors can make local residents learn a lot, whilestimulating local wealth to increase. Consequently, as long as these host countries show their passion and friendship, there wil be more friends coming here, and more deep emotion to our hometown.

Addimittedly, it seems to me that some controversy is certainly existing between local residents and visitors, deriving from their distinct custom and behaviour. To resolve such problems or to decrease much dissatisfaction, all must hold a friendly attitude and compre-hensive mood.

To conclude, as long as we have some positive attitudes, there must be more benifits to all the people no matter where they come from, and there must be more harmonization no matter what their conventions belong to.
                                                                                                                        
Time:39   Words:292

It is an obvious fact that there may be some contradictions in culture and custom arising from visitors and hosts. Someone believes that visitors should follow local behaviour, while others think that the host countries should welcome cultural differences./On,no!最大的忌讳之一，不要照抄题目 It seems, apparently, to be opposite between both two sides mentioned above. However, to my mind, these two aspects can be integrated harmoniously.

To start with, as visitors没有动词的句子+ travel to other countries, their main aims for travelling are just to gain much different cultural experiences, and to appreciate foreign charming landscape. Therefore, by following local custom and hehaviour, and joining in their daily life, isn't it the best way to know more about such a country and their race? In addition, during the harmonious communi-cations, tourists also display their own nation to the hosts to make more close/closer relationship between both sides of people. Hence, following and even incorporating local traditions is /arean 删除excellcent methods to enjoy your journey.这一段文字，貌似一直在自说自话的，没有力量，可以考虑加上一个例子以加强论述　

Furthermore, it must be clearly understood that tour and tourists from other places can not only bring them/指代不明 more income, but also open a window to get knowledge about the world.For instance, Xi'an is an ancient city in China, having a long and glorious history, and reser-ving many relics. So, attracting more foreign visitors can make local residents learn a lot, while你是想表示同时吗？那改成meanwhile stimulating local wealth to increase删了吧. Consequently, as long as these host countries show their passion and friendship, there wil be more friends coming可以省略了 here, and more deep emotion to our hometown.

Addimittedly, it seems to me that some controversy is certainly existing between local residents and visitors, deriving from their distinct custom and behaviour. To resolve such problems or to decrease much dissatisfaction, all must hold a friendly attitude and compre-
hensive mood.像body的第一部分，这个段落也很淡薄，也可以加上一个例子

To conclude, as long as we have some positive attitudes, there must be more benifits to all the people[，] no matter where they come from, and there must be more harmonization no matter what their conventions belong to.

建议：
1、三个论据的篇幅最好能做到大致一样，平衡一些　　
2、论证的过程需要例子地参与和支持
3、句子有一些中式的味道
4、坚持下去，会有进步的~~~~：）

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=731953&page=1&extra=page%3D2#pid1770816183

forbeckUID: 2297645

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not he real needs of the society in which they are sold.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising is a strategy to make the public known various products which ranges widely from a little toothpaste even to a big house , covering near every aspects in daily life. Some people claim that advertisement make life convenient and easier while others hold the opinion that certain advertisement sell people things they don’t need. From the point of view, we should balance the opposite views because advertisement bring about advantages as well as disadvantages.

For starters, advertisement is an effective way to promote qualified goods to customers. A large number of advertising goods are brand-name products which may improve the public’s quality of life. In additon, thanks to the advertisement, people only have to spend less money for TV programs, magazines,newspapers and other media. The reason is that the income of the mass media mainly comes from the advertisement. It is hard to imagine how expensive a magzine is without any advertisement.

However, we have to admit the adverse effects of advertisement as well. For instance, some companies exaggerate the functions of their goods in order to increase sales.Therefore, an increasing number of people complains about them. I think there are some reasons. First, the public always believe in the mass media, which will not advertise for inqualified goods. Secondly, manufactors always invite the celebrities, such as film stars , sports players to be sponsors to attract the fans of them. To avoid cheating by fake commodities, the authorities should enforce laws and take proper measures to forbid the production and advertisement of such goods.

After all the discussion, we can safely draw the conclusion that advertisement plays an essential role in modern bussiness society, although it causes some problems.

Advertising is a strategy to make the public known/这个是做宾补吗？我的理解是用KNOW的原型，或者用一个被动态 various products which ranges单复数widely from a little toothpaste even to a big house , covering near every aspects不用复数 in daily life. Some people claim that advertisement makeS life convenient and easier while others hold the opinion that certain advertisement sell/广告不能销售商品吧？只能影响消费者的购物心态 people things they don’t need. From the point of view, we should balance the opposite views because advertisement bringS about advantages as well as disadvantages.

For starters, advertisement is an effective way to promote qualified goods to customers. A large number of advertising goods are brand-name products which may improve the public’s quality of life. In additon, thanks to the advertisement, people only have to spend less money for TV programs, magazines,newspapers and other media. The reason is that the income of the mass media mainly comes from the advertisement. It is hard to imagine how expensive a magzine is without any advertisement.后边的这个例子很刁钻哦：）不过，虽然提到了广告的作用，但没有提到广告对购物的影响，最好能换一个，要不有偏题的嫌疑　　　

However, we have to admit the adverse effects of advertisement as well. For instance, some companies exaggerate the functions of their goods in order to increase sales.Therefore, an increasing number of people complains about them./这句话，我认为可以和上一句合并成一个长句，直接加上but outrage public opinion?I think这样的主观表达要避免 there are some reasons. First, the public always貌似不一定哦 believe in the mass media, which will not advertise for inqualified goods. Secondly, manufactors always invite the celebrities, such as film stars , sports players to be sponsors to attract the fans of them. 这里提出解决方案显得很突兀To avoid cheating by fake commodities, the authorities should enforce laws and take proper measures to forbid the production and advertisement of such goods.

After all the discussions, we can safely draw the conclusion that advertisement plays an essential role in modern bussiness society, although it causes some problems.
建议：
1、第三段的解决方案：我的个人意见是，这类argument的题目，倒没有必要提出solution 来，可以把节省下来的字数用来做更深入的话题讨论，让自己的观点更占得住脚~~
2、可以加上一些例子，要不单一的论证略显单薄

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/redirect.php?tid=731683&goto=lastpost#lastpost


[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-23 18:43 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Topic：Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not he real need of the society in which they are sold.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Word:258 Time:41min
————————————
Advertisement plays an increasingly important role in people's daily life, nearly everyone takes the advertisement as a reference before they go to markets. In this situation, someone argues that the high sales of popular merchants are not one real need but is the power of advertising, to a large extent, I quite agree with this opinion.

Most of people are easily influenced by the advertisement especially children and women. The advertisement try every tricks in order to persuade people to purchase. Under the impact of advertisement, it is inevitably that customers will buy some goods even they do not need them at all. Take the very popular calcium medicines in China for example, a lot of people buy them despite of if it is really have a need to supply calcium.

It is admittedly that the mass have a sense that the quality of a product can be ensured if it has been advertised in the media
such as TV and magazine. However, things usually do not turn out as one wishes. Making profits is the nature of  commerce invariably, for this object, businessman do whatsoever measures to maximize their interests, and advertising  is just a method to promote their sales. So the exaggeration of quality and effect is a fact in most advertising undoubtedly, because it is impossible that the fraud is inexistent once having benefits.

To sum, as the reasons I have mentioned above, it can not deny that advertising bring high sales of consumer goods.  Although the huge influences of advertisements are inescapably, I still suggest that customers should pay more attentions on the quality and practicability of the products what they want to purchase rather than the attractive advertisements in TV.

Advertisement plays an increasingly用得好 important role in people's daily life, nearly everyone takes the advertisement as a reference before they go to markets. In this situation, someone argues that the high sales of popular merchants are not one real need but is the power of advertising, to a large extent, I quite agree with this opinion.

Most of people are easily influenced by the advertisement， especially children and women. The advertisement trys every tricks in order to persuade people to purchase. Under the impact of advertisement, it is inevitably that customers will buy some goods even they do not need them at all. Take the very popular calcium medicines in China for example, a lot of people buy them despite of if it is really have a need to supply calcium.这句特别的中式，像JG.S.WofA就好了

It is admittedly that the mass have a sense that the quality of a product can be ensured if it has been advertised in the media such as TV and magazine. However, things usually do not turn out as one/这个最好点明是谁吧，要不指代有点不清 wishes. Making profits is the nature of commerce invariably, for this object, businessman/businessmen do whatsoever/末有见过的词？ measures to maximize their interests, and advertising is just a太绝对了/one of or one such都行 method to promote their sales. So the exaggeration of quality and effect is a fact in most advertising undoubtedly, because it is impossible that the fraud is inexistent once having benefits.这个~~有些广告还是实事求是的吧？

To sum 没见过省略up的　, as the reasons I have mentioned above, it can not deny that advertising bring high sales of consumer goods. Although the huge influences of advertisements are inescapably, I still suggest that customers should pay more attentions/不可数 on the quality and practicability of the products what/taht they want to purchase rather than the attractive advertisements in TV.

建议：文章的讨论点好像有点狭窄了，一直是关于广告对消费者的影响。你的首段就提到了real need ,但是后边关于这个方面的讨论却很少

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-731710-1-2.html



[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-23 18:48 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Scientific and technological advance have improved our daily life, however in many fields scientists cannot solve the problem they have created themselves do you agree or dis? Give your reason.

With the advert of science and technology, the quality of our life has been greatly improved. However, we are facing some urgent problems caused by the advanced technology, such as environment pollution.

As the development of technology, private cars are poplular all over the world. Although the technology of automobile makes our life more convenient than before, the air pollution caused by cars is a real problem.The enengy of cars comes from the fossil fuels and  the burning of the fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Increased amouts of carbon dioxide raise the efficiency with the air retains the sun’s heat. This results in increases of global temperatures. As the temperatures rises, the sea level will higher than before which may flood some coastal areas in the world. Nowadays, however, scientists still don’t have effective measures to solve this problem.

Another good example is water pollution. It is a great leap for human race during the period of the Industrial Revolution. But the burning of fossil fuels by steam engines obviously results in acid rain. The burning of fossil fuels produces sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides which react with water in the air and form a variety of acid chemicals. After mixed with rainfalls, the acid contaminants fall on the ground and thus form the so-called “acid rain.” Acid rain will lead to the death of fish and plants and cause severe damages to the local ecosystem as well as damage bulidings especially historic stone buildings, such as the Parthenon in Athens and Great Wall.

From all the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that we have to balance with the environment and the development of technology in modern society. Sustainable development is necessary for the survival of mankind.

With the advert of science and technology, the quality of our life has been greatly improved. However, we are facing some urgent problems caused by the advanced technology, such as environment pollution. 开篇把论述点给局限了，这个话题最好能从多个角度深入讨论

As the development of technology, private cars are poplular all over the world. Although the technology of automobile makes our life more convenient than before, the air pollution caused by cars is a real problem.The enengy of cars comes from the fossil fuels and  the burning of the fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Increased amouts of carbon dioxide raise the efficiency with the air retains the sun’s heat. 前面描述汽车尾气污染的问题过于繁琐，最好能简略一些This ，我现在脑子短路，想不出来了：（results in increases of global temperatures. As the temperatures rises, the sea level will be higher than before which may flood some coastal areas in the world. Nowadays, however, scientists still don’t have effective measures to solve this problem.

Another good example is water pollution. It is a great leap for human race during the period of the Industrial Revolution. But the burning of fossil fuels by steam engines obviously results in/单词重复，revoke 或者cause也行吧？ acid rain. The burning of fossil fuels produces sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides which react with water in the air and form a variety of acid chemicals. After mixed with rainfalls, the acid contaminants fall on the ground and thus form the so-called “acid rain.” Acid rain will lead to the death of fish and plants and cause severe damages to the local没有大前提，没必要用local ecosystem as well as damage bulidings especially historic stone buildings, such as the Parthenon in Athens and Great Wall.

From all the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that we have to balance with the environment and the development of technology in modern society. Sustainable development is necessary for the survival of mankind.如果脱离题目，这个结尾和首段呼应的很好
建议：
1、有些词重复使用，可以参考一下作文中常用的近义词
2、文章和题目有脱节的现象，感觉是偷换了概念，要不就是概念狭窄？
3、body部分感觉是在描述现象，好专业的样子，我这门外汉被绕得晕了都~~但是缺少了论证的过程


原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-732098-1-1.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subjec. Do you agree or disagree.

Nowadays, some universities enroll the unequal numbers of male and female students in every subject. Some people agree with the policy while others hold a different view. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the latter one.

For a start, the equal acceptance of both genders means there is no discrimination between different sexes in academic. In history, women struggled for a long period to acquire the same rights as men’s in different aspects including education. It is undouted that education is necessary for both male and female. Therefore, universities should allow all the students to select subjects which they like freely.

Another reason is that equal gender ration of a university is beneficial for students’ psychological health. In our society, the number of men is nearly the same as that of the women. Hence, it is natural that students will feel comfortable and easily under the circumstance that the sex ratio is equal in the universities. Some experts even point out that female are likely to have a good manner when they are studying or working with girls.

The last thing I want to state is that students can learn a great deal from the opposite sex. For instance, female students tend to be more careful than male on study. Instead, men always good at dealing with practical problems . If students of both sexes frequently study together, it is likely that they will absorb some merits from students of the other gender.

From all the dicussion above, we may safely draw the conclusion that there are innumerous advantages for enrolling equal numbers of the bothe genders in universities.

Nowadays, some universities enroll the unequal numbers of male and female students in every subject改写标题，不能仅仅指修改几个词. Some people agree with the policy while others hold a different view. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the latter one.

For a start, the equal acceptance of both genders means there is no discrimination between different sexes in academic. In history, women struggled for a long period to acquire the same rights as men’s in different aspects including education. It is undouted that education is necessary for both male and female. Therefore, universities should allow all the students to select subjects which they like freely.

Another reason is that equal gender ration of a university is beneficial for students’ psychological health. In our society, the number of men is nearly the same as that of the women貌似现在男性总数比女性多好多阿：）. Hence, it is natural that students will feel comfortable and easily/easy under the circumstance that the sex ratio is equal in the universities. Some experts even point out that female are likely to have a good manner when they are studying or working with girls/boys?.

The last thing I want to state is that students can learn a great deal from the opposite sex. For instance, female students tend to be more careful than male on study. Instead, men arealways这个词太绝对了 good at dealing with practical problems . If students of both sexes frequently study together, it is likely that they will absorb some merits from students of the other gender.

From all the discussions above, we may safely draw the conclusion that there are innumerous advantages for enrolling equal numbers of the bothe/both genders in universities.

建议：
1、我认为这是最保险的一种写法，首尾呼应，body分三部分来支持自己的观点
2、当然，要是想那高分，主要还是在句字上下功夫吧！在我看到的所谓高分范文中，都在文章中出现了很漂亮的排比句，你也可以考虑运用一下哈~~

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-733101-1-2.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

There are social, medical, and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What forms do they take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of the mobile phone?

The argument of telephone has been become a popular topic nowadays. Some people proclaim that too many disadvantages of using mobile phone, social, medical and technical problems. In a contrast, another attitude towards using mobile phone is positive, they accept the usage of mobile phone and agree with the benefits outweigh the deficiencies. In my point of view, I think it is convenient and beneficial to use mobile phone despite it has some problems.

Mobile phone makes people more close and easy to contact. No matter where we are, we can easily contact our friends by mobile phone. People are high on send text message to friends. Mobile phone is widely used. It is not uncommon that people have more than one mobile phone. Some kids studying in the primary school start to use mobile phone. Along with the development of technology, mobile phone has more functions. It can take picture and record videos. We can send and share those informations via mobile phone to our friends all over the world immediately. In case of any unexpected accidents happened, we can inform police or friends immediately via mobile phone.

However, mobile phone has disadvantage as well. For instance social, medical and technical problem. The radiation is harm to our body when we are talking on the phone. According to the valid statistic, it suggests pregnant women do not talk on mobile phone over 10 minutes per time otherwise the radiation will be harm to the baby. People gradually rely on talking on mobile phone that face-to-face talks are decreasing. Their social ability is less active than before. Since the develop of technology, mobile phone has been developed and updated fast. People spend much money on their mobile evolution. The mobile quality is getting better, but people pay less attention to mobile quality except pursuing the vogue. A lot of money is spent on changing new phones.

After weighing the pros and cons. I insist on my opinion that the benefits outweigh the problems. It cannot be denied that mobile phone makes our life more convenient and efficient.

The argument of telephone题目用的是mobile phone，就改了吧 has been become/been or become省略一个 a popular topic nowadays这个无法准确确定时间段的词要少用. Some people proclaim that proclaim that 后接一个句子too many disadvantages of using mobile phone, social, medical and technical problems. In a contrast后接一个名词，改成In contrast, another attitude towards using mobile phone is positive, they accept the usage of mobile phone and agree with the benefits outweigh the deficiencies. In my point of view, I think重复，删除了吧 it is convenient and beneficial to use mobile phone despite it has some problems.

Mobile phone makes people more close and easy/closer and easier to contact. No matter where we are, we can easily contact our friends by mobile phone这提到了双方，应该是复数吧？. People are high on sending text message to friends. Mobile phone is widely used. It is not uncommon that people have more than one mobile phone. Some kids studying in the primary school start to use mobile phone. Along with the development of technology, mobile phone has more functions. It can take pictures and record videos. We can send and share those informations via mobile phone to our friends all over the world immediately. In case of any unexpected accidents happened, we can inform police or friends immediately via mobile phone.这个功能是基本的，应该提前，而不是用在证明功能越来越多上吧~~

However, mobile phone has disadvantage as well. For instance 后面不能借简单的词或词组，改为such as之类的吧！ social, medical and technical problems. The radiation is harm to our body when we are talking on the phone. According to the valid statistic, it suggests pregnant women do not talk on mobile phone over 10 minutes per time otherwise the radiation will be harm to the baby/babies. People gradually rely on talking on mobile phone that face-to-face talks are decreasing. Their social ability is less active than before. Since the develop/development of technology, mobile phone has been developed and updated fast. People spend much money on their mobile evolution. The mobile quality is getting better, but people pay less attention to mobile quality except pursuing the vogue. A lot of money is spent on changing new phones.

After weighing the pros and cons. I insist on my opinion that the benefits outweigh the problems. It cannot be denied that mobile phone makes our life more convenient and efficient.
建议：
1、应该说，这篇文章之于你，可能有太多的例证可以写了，所以，感觉有些堆砌，每个优点和缺点之间连贯性不好，这可能也因为你的句型以简单句为主，所以，文章很散。要想拿高分，长句是必需的，就是要努力写出长短句互相穿插的文章
2、文章的body部分：pros115个字，cons127个字，如果不看你的首尾段，会让人误解你的观点，写作的时候，最好能分清主次，而且，在文章中提出cons后，最好也能提出简短的建议


原贴https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=732950&extra=page%3D1

forbeckUID: 2297645

Modern educational institutions do not offer all the ingredients that are needed for success.To waht extent do you agree with the above statement?Give reasons for your answer(胡敏《高分作文》，样题10）

Almost since the first moment of the foundation of educational insitutions,they have given rise to numerous controversies.One of the controversies is whether or not the education institutions have offered all the necessary ingredients for success.

Naturally,there may be not common understanding on what the ingredients for success really consist of,but we can still cite knowledge,emotional quality(so-called E.Q.),health as some indispensible components.

When it comes to these ingredients,I think it is commonsense that educational institutions,not being omnipotent,are not able to take full responsibilities for them.The task of developing these ingredients should be assigned to family and society,as well.And ,in the last resort,this task depends on the person himself/herself,not anyone else.The educational institutions,after all ,can merely faclitate the individual’ study,instead of replacing the person.

Now let us briefly examine the ingredients one by one.The first one is knowledge.Obviously,it’s absurd to assert that educational institutions,except for ineligible ones,cannot offer enough knowledge,at least theoretical knowledge,to their students.As for practical knowledge,it must be remembered that this kind of knowledge should be learned mainly in everyday life.It is in fact an unrealistic undertaking for educational institutions.Furthermore,there have been such courses in nearly all educational institutions for many years already,besides vocational schools.

Then let us check the second element,i.e. the emotional quality,which is famous for its abbrevation,E.Q.On the whole,emontional quanlity includes the abilities to communicate with other persons and control oneself.It is commonsense again that there are far more than one student in any one educationl institution.These students communicate with each other frequently every day,as a result,they learn how to communicate with their peers from these practices. As for the ability to control oneself,the discipline of educational institutions will help their students achieve this.In so far as health,P.E. courses can be found in all schools.

Some opponents of educational establishments may cite such successful persons as Thomas Edison or Bill Gates,who have not received full regular education.I don’t think it is a valid pint.These people are nothing but exceptions.Moreover,can we afford a handful of very talented people at the price of pervasive ignorance?Can these persons fulfill themselves without their knowledge which is accumulated and transmitted by educational institutions?How can these people survive in such a bare,barbarian environment?

Whichever shortcomings educational institutions may have,they will never inhibit a person’s success.Laying too much burden on educational institutions is unfair and unrealistic.

Almost since the first moment of the foundation of educational insitutions,they have given rise to numerous controversies.One of the controversies这个有点罗索了 is whether or not the education institutions have offered all the necessary ingredients for success.

Naturally,there may be not common understanding on what the ingredients for success really consist of,but we can still cite knowledge,emotional quality/the abbreviation of EQ is Quotient(so-called E.Q.),health as some indispensible components.

When it comes to these ingredients,I think it is commonsense that educational institutions,not being omnipotent,are not able to take full responsibilities for them.The task of developing these ingredients should be assigned to family and society,as well.And ,in the last resort,this task depends on the person himself/herself,not anyone else.The educational institutions,after all ,can merely faclitate the individual’ study,instead of replacing the person.

Now let us briefly examine the ingredients one by one.The first one is knowledge.Obviously,it’s absurd to assert that educational institutions,except for ineligible ones,cannot offer enough knowledge,at least theoretical knowledge,to their students.As for practical knowledge,it must be remembered that this kind of knowledge should be learned mainly in everyday life.It is in fact an unrealistic undertaking for educational institutions.Furthermore,there have been such courses in nearly all educational institutions for many years already,besides vocational schools.

Then let us check the second element,i.e.考试是不能用缩写 the emotional quality/quotient,which is famous for its abbrevation,E.Q.On the whole,emontional quanlity includes the abilities to communicate with other persons/others and control oneself.It is commonsense again that there are far more than one student in any one educationl institution.These students communicate with each other frequently every day,as a result,they learn how to communicate with their peers from these practices. As for the ability to control oneself,the discipline of educational institutions will help their students achieve this.In so far as health,P.E. courses can be found in all/这个词过于绝对了　 schools.

Some opponents of educational establishments may cite such successful persons as Thomas Edison or Bill Gates,who have not received full regular education.I don’t think it is a valid pint.These people are nothing but exceptions.Moreover,can we afford a handful of very talented people at the price of pervasive ignorance?Can these persons fulfill themselves without their knowledge which is accumulated and transmitted by educational institutions?How can these people survive in such a bare,barbarian environment?尽量不要再段落的结尾部用文句

Whichever shortcomings educational institutions may have,they will never inhibit a person’s success.Laying too much burden on educational institutions is unfair and unrealistic

大虾， 382个字，终于看完了........
你的词汇和语法，我实在不敢乱改了，pfpf ~~~~~~~
逻辑和结构也很好，论述得很深刻，正反都考虑到了；
我只想提个意见：
文章的开篇，太冗长了，开门见山，会让你的文章开篇就有力，字数也能少一点；就像你的结尾段，简洁有力，我得好好学习

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=734635&page=1&extra=page%3D1#pid1770838560

forbeckUID: 2297645

Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

My mother tells me that provided that she can only give me one thing, it will be happiness, which is regarded as one of the most important thing through the whole life of a person. Increasing number of experts point out that happiness can make people not only more healthy, but also live longer.

However, different people hold different opinions about what is the true happiness. Some people think that if they could have a large number of money, dress the best clothes, and eat the most delicious food in the world, then they will be happy. Other people express a strong desire to share happy with their family members, then it is the true happiness the need. As a result, it is too difficult to define what is the true happiness. Because we have different families, backgrounds, living surroundings and so on.

Maybe most people would like to ask that what are the important factors in achieving happiness. From my point of view, firstly, helping other people is a simple way to bring happiness to yourself. There is no denying that when somebody say thanks to you, you will feel happy. Secondly, having a young heart will also make you feel happiness. For instance, doing exercises, travelling and learning new things, which are all beneficial to you to obtain happiness from common life. The most important thing is that spent more time with your family, such like talking with your parents, or just having a good dinner with them. All of these can make you know what is happiness.

To summarise, we should find the happiness which is belonged to ourselves.

My mother tells 这种例子出现，没有多大意义，毕竟力度不够me that provided that she can only give me one thing, it will be happiness, which is regarded as one of the most important things through the whole life of a person. Increasing number of experts point out that happiness can make people not only more healthy, but also live longer.
However, different people hold different opinions about what is the /删除true happiness. Some people think that if they could have a large number of money, dress the best clothes, and eat the most delicious food in the world, then they will be happy. Other people express a strong desire to share happy with their family members, then it is the true happiness they need. As a result, it is too difficult to define what is the /删除true happiness. Because we have different families, backgrounds, living surroundings and so on.开篇太长了，两段过后才切入正题
Maybe most people would like to ask that what are the important factors in achieving happiness. From my point of view, firstly, helping other people is a simple way to bring happiness to yourself. There is no denying that when somebody say thanks to you, you will feel happy. Secondly, having a young heart will also make you feel happiness. For instance, doing exercises, travelling and learning new things, which are all beneficial to /foryou to obtain happiness from common life. The most important thing is that/to spent/spend more time with your family, such like talking with your parents, or just having a good dinner with them. All of these can make you know what is happiness.前边两个例子，貌似和题目的相关性不大，有些偏题了　To summarise, we should find the happiness which is belonged to ourselves.
建议：
1、这篇作文写得没有什么条理性，是因为快考试紧张的吗？有些头重，身子轻，脚更轻
2、缺少精彩的例子
3、最好能重新修改下，尽量写好每一份练习吧　　
原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-735542-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-28 16:01 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and staring university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

While most teenagers are stepping into universities after graduating from high school, many passionate ones are wriggling to looking for jobs or traveling far away from home, expecting new opportunities as well as challenges before settling their new lives in universities. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in both sides.

If children are guided to work too early, their studies will be delayed. Besides, massive negative factors from society may also mislead them. Teenage period is the best time for children to study, their responses to every question and memories are much faster and better than adults. So they really should continue their studies directly instead of wasting time on working or traveling. Meanwhile, teenagers are still growing, sometimes they lack life experiences to judge what is right and what is wrong and also easy to fall into dark traps from different corners in society. However, governments should pay more attention on issues of children’s growth.

In spite of this, working or traveling for a year between graduating high school and staring university is also a valuable life experience to every child. They can experience how hard to earn money and have more chance to get in touch with different people from different social stratums in order to adapt society as early as possible. Its is also a significant promotion for them to combine the truths they have learnt from schools with their experiences by first hand, which will affect and benefit them a lot in their future lives.

In summary, no matter entering universities directly or working, traveling a year first, governments should always encourage teenagers to find their own interests and mobilize whole society to help their growing.

While most teenagers are stepping into universities after graduating from high school, many passionate ones are wriggling to looking for jobs or traveling far away from home, expecting new opportunities as well as challenges before settling their new lives in universities. In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages in both sides.首段将题目修改得很到位哦这里没有过渡，突然冒出一个对立观点，最好加上一些连接词或句子，让文字更顺畅，这是雅思作文中很重要的一点If children are guided to work too early, their studies will be delayed. Besides, massive negative factors from society may also mislead them. Teenage period is the best time for children to study, their responses to every question and memories are much faster and better than adults. So they really should这个词可以考虑用在有些人认为的观点中，若用在自己的观点中，语言就显得过于主观 continue their studies directly instead of wasting time on working or traveling. Meanwhile, teenagers are still growing, sometimes they lack life experiences to judge what is right and what is wrong and are also easy to fall into dark traps from different corners in society. Howevergovernments should又是一个命令人的词 pay more attention on issues of children’s这个应该已经超出了children的范围，用adolescences'? growth.

In spite of this, working or traveling for a year between graduating high school and starting university is also a valuable life experience to every child. They can experience how hard to earn money and have more chances to get in touch with different people from different social stratums in order to adapt society as early as possible. Its/It is also a significant promotion for them to combine the truths they have learnt from schools with their experiences by first hand, which will affect and benefit them a lot in their future lives.

In summary, no matter entering universities directly or working, traveling a year first, governments should always encourage teenagers to find their own interests and mobilize whole society to help their growing.
建议：
1、这种类型的题目，没有必要在文章的首段提出自己的观点，但是一篇文章的灵魂还是自己的思想。你在最后一段虽然提出了解决方法，更保险的方法还是总结一下自己的观点；
2、然后就是语言的客观性
3、说好的吧，深入讨论的body很有深度，很有条理，语言也挺好的，嗬嗬！俺觉得挺不错的

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=737039&highlight

forbeckUID: 2297645

Young adults required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community.

When it comes to the problem that whether young people need to spend some time working for helping people in the community without paid or not. A considerable number of people believe that it will take them too much time of daily life, or disturb them normal work and study. From my point of view, some simple work such like helping people in the community have exerted an extremely vital impact on almost every young adults, helping them learn more knowledge which are not included in books.

In the first place, the basic advantage of my point is the fact that from participating in the community work, young people can learn how to cooperate with pther people. There are many kinds of work in a community,each of these work may not be completed be one person. Therefore in the working process, they will do the work with others who has similar age to them. They can learn by each other and exchange their ideas. At the same time of helping other people, they promote their team-work abilities.

In addition, there is no deny that the unpaid work will make them have more responsibilities to the whole society. Maybe for most of them, this is the first time that they do something for other people. The community work provide increasing number of confidence to young adults to a large extent, which makes them know other people need the help of them. It is an essenticial part of the life of a young man in order to build his own responsibility.

To summarise, as long as the young adults take the work properly, it will not influence their study and work. We can draw a conclusion that the unpaid work can produce a far-reaching impact on the youngs and should be encouraged to take the work, which will benefit themselves, even the society as a whole.

When it comes to the problem that whether young people need to spend some time working for helping/to help people in the community without paid or not. A considerable number of people believe that it will take them too much time of daily life, or disturb them/their normal work and study. From my point of view, some simple work such like helping people in the community have exerted an extremely vital impact on almost every young adults, helping them learn more knowledge which are not included in books.很保险的开篇

In the first place, the basic advantage of my point is the fact that from participating in the community work, young people can learn how to cooperate with pther/other people. There are many kinds of work in a community,each of these work may not be completed be /by one person. Therefore in the working process, they will do the work with others who has/have不过，这个很中式，直接用of similar age to them. They can learn by each other and exchange their ideas. At the same time of helping other people, they promote their team-work abilities.

In addition, there is no deny that the unpaid work will make them have more responsibilities to the whole society. Maybe for most of them, this is the first time that they do something for other people. The community work provide increasing number of confidence/ms confidence 没有数量可以限制的吧？ to young adults to a large extent, which makes them know other people/others need the help of them/their help. It is an essenticial part of the life of a young man in order to build his own responsibility.

To summarise, as long as the young adults take the work properly, it will not influence their study and work这句话在body部分没有论证过，下这个结论很主观哦　. We can draw a conclusion that the unpaid work can produce a far-reaching impact on the youngsyoung就指代年轻人拉 and should be encouraged to take the work, which will benefit themselves, even the society as a whole.
建议：
1、你在首段和尾段提到了对学习是没有影响的，但实在在文章中没有再次体现
2、抛开第一个问题而言，论证的还是挺有逻辑的

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/redirect.php?tid=738491&goto=lastpost#lastpost

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-28 16:11 编辑 ]