蒙牛的20篇板油习作修改合集（上）

forbeckUID: 2297645

    这段时间以来，版内的作文互改风浓厚，烤鸭们都在如火如荼地准备作文。:loveliness: 我把自己手中保存的20篇板油习作+ 修改后的文章变成合集放在这，方便各位正在准备作文的烤鸭们参考，希望大家都能以7分将作文拿下，哈哈哈~~~~~~~


想参加作文互改活动的板油请参看以下由菠萝兄提供的AD;d:

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=724783&highlight=同时热心板油会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html

为了鼓励大家多发作文多写高水平习作，菠萝兄还为大家开了一个优秀习作收集帖。

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=729385&highlight=

菠萝兄是高手哦，请大家一定捧场:loveliness:

说明：引用框里的是各位板油的原文，后边跟着的回帖是经我拙劣修改后的文字:vomit:

       最后附上原贴的链接，方便各位参考其他热心板油的修改成果:handshake

合集（下）https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=740645&page=1&extra=page%3D2#pid1770887485

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-28 16:48 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

原帖由 kimomo 于 2007-8-17 08:50 发表
Science and technology is the first productivity. As great changes take place in our daily life, a large number of people have taken the changes for granted and gradually adapted to the new traditional skills and living ways but to discard them, while that’s the point I’ll never vote for.

From the “Four Great Inventions”-gun powder, compass, paper and printing in Han Dynasty to the hybrid rice technology followed by scientist Yuan Longping, they indeed push the whole world a fantastic progress. Till now, farming still exist with the continuously emerged technology. It never disappeared but cooperate with the high-tech machines to bring us boundless food with high productivity.

Since the first computer made its initial public in 1946, people put it to the large extent of usage. It undoubtedly changed kinds of living ways such as communication and shopping, for instance. While disputes emerged towards these hot issues on changing, which indicated that the mass would prefer to live in a traditional way such as shop in a market where they could enter in and out with a basket, who they might smile at and have some gossip with. Net shopping is just a drop in an ocean reflects the changing situation, but it developed to a step without too much maturity.

Cars bring us the diversified conveniences and various pollutions, computers send us high-speed of calculation, quick responded communication and gradually wordless face-to-face conversation. Finally, we’ll realize what we need is the original way of living, talking without key boards and walking without four wheels.

Science and technology is the first productivity(这句话，政治水平高). As great changes take place in our daily life, a large number of people have taken the changes for granted and gradually adapted to the new traditional skills and living ways but to discard them（这句话是不是有点问题？）, while that’s the point I’ll never vote for.（这个句子好好学习下）

From the “Four Great Inventions”-gun powder, compass, paper and printing in Han Dynasty to the hybrid rice technology followed by scientist Yuan Longping, they indeed push the whole world a fantastic progress. Till now, farming still exist with the continuously emerged technology. It never disappeared（从表达上看，好像要改为将来时） but（这里ms是一个递进关系） cooperate with the high-tech machines to bring us boundless food with high productivity.

Since the first computer made its initial public（学习下） in 1946, people put it to the large extent of usage. It undoubtedly changed kinds of living ways such as communication and shopping, for instance. While disputes emerged towards these hot issues on changing, which indicated that the mass would prefer to live in a traditional way such as shoping in a market where they could enter in and out with a basket, who they might smile at and have some gossip with（这句话真没看懂）. Net shopping is just a drop in an ocean reflects the changing situation, but it developed to a step（into a era怎么样？） without too much maturity.

Cars bring us the diversified conveniences and(but?) various pollutions, computers send us high-speed of calculation, quick responded(respondent?) communication and(but?) gradually wordless face-to-face conversation. Finally, we’ll realize what we need is the original way of living, talking without key boards and walking without four wheels.



建议：

1、  段首提到了new traditional skills and living ways，这样后边的两个论证段落就可以从这两个点入手，中间两端貌似只见到living ways的例子，但仔细研究又有点像是混合论证，如果能在中间两端的段首分别提出分论点，然后各举一例，这样的结构也比较清晰。观点和例子，有时候得特别注意把，载舟亦覆舟。（涉及政治的例子尤其小心——版里已经有人吃过着亏了）

2、  最后一段主要是用来重申观点，你的这个结尾很有意思，也很含蓄，不过，最好能明确地提出来，毕竟，老外有时候思维简单。

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-723826-1-6.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:09 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Version85(scientists can’t solve problems they created)
Scientific and technological advances are very important in our society. Scientists are not able to give solutions to all the problems they have created. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It can not be denied that great changes have taken place since the Technological Revolution. Thus, our society is changing into a modern one as an impact of scientific and technological advancement. However, during development of our society, scientists have created some serious problems that are not easy for them to tackle.

First and foremost, some of the tough problems are created when scientists deal with other immediate problems. For instance, when an animal or plant was produced by scientists from one cell of another animal or plant which are exactly the same, scientists did not consider that this would create another serious social problem—human cloning, to which people have yet to find solution.

In the second place, there are also some serious matters that emerged during the competitions among nations. Each country wants to govern the whole world and thus some of the powerful nations would probably use nuclear power to threaten others. Therefore, people would no longer exist.

Moreover, it is, sometimes, the scientists that bring about some serious problems which they can not give solution to. When they do the scientific research, they need to try different methods and thus would potentially cause some problems.

It is true that scientists are sometimes helpless confronted with all the problems they created, but they should not stop carrying out research, handling immediate problems in fear of creating more difficulty, because only by dealing with new problems continuously could our society make great progress in science and technology and other field as well.

It can not be denied that great changes have taken place since the Technological Revolution. Thus, our society is changing into a modern one as an impact of scientific and technological advancement. However, during development of our society, scientists have created some serious problems that are not easy for them to tackle.

First and foremost, some of the tough problems are created when scientists deal with other immediate problems. For instance, when an animal or plant was produced（这个词用得很别扭） by scientists from one cell of another animal or plant which are exactly the same, scientists did not consider that this would create another serious social problem—human cloning, to which people have yet to find solution.

In the second place, there are also some serious matters that emerged during the competitions among nations. Each country wants to govern the whole world(这个观点是不是太绝对化了) and thus some of the powerful nations would probably use nuclear power to threaten others. Therefore, people would no longer exist.

Moreover, it is, sometimes, the scientists that bring about some serious problems which they can not give solution to. When they do the scientific research, they need to try different methods and thus would potentially cause some problems.

It is true that scientists are sometimes helpless confronted with all the problems they created, but they should not stop carrying out research, handling immediate problems in fear of creating more difficulty, because only by dealing with new problems continuously could our society make great progress in science and technology and other field as well.

建议
1、  第一段将题目转化的很巧妙，顺便也提出了自己的观点
2、  3、4两段如果互换，我觉得衔接上会更流畅些。第2段最后说到people have yet to find solution，接上第4段的cannot的例子……要不，2、3、4段的文字读起来连贯性不强。
3、  最后一段，这是我以前经常被指出的问题：最后一段主要是重申观点，但是你的最后一段没有再次点明观点。
4、  夜空的彼方提出的语言不够地道的意见，我给说个解决方法吧：（刚学的一招）把你的句子或短语输入googole英文版，看哪国人使用这种表达比较多，接下来就知道哪些是地道的了

原贴 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724810-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:08 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Topic: Are famous people treated unfairly by the media ? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives?
（TOPIC来源：雅思版置顶下载贴---写作---IELTS Writing Topics---Topic 2）
DATE: 19th, August  
WORDS: 347
Time: 1 hr 20min
————————这是一个标准的作文贴模板，大家要像天空兄学习阿:handshake

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

提纲：
第一段---承认名人在很多情况下被侵犯了隐私。提出论点：名人也是人，应该拥有一定程度的隐私，但是作为名人，也必须清楚自己身份所带来的不可避免的隐私曝光问题。
第二段---分析这一现象产生的原因，大众的猎奇心理，辅以媒体的帮助，很多名人抱怨自己几乎没有隐私，造成压力太大，心理失衡（这里举几个明星自杀的例子。。。-_-||）
第三段---明星应不应该有隐私是一个权利和义务的问题，明星也是人，受法律保护，法律有保护个人隐私的条款，不能因为是明星就改变法律的尺度。
第四段---但是，承认明星这一群体有其特殊性，因为经常要在媒体上露面，不可避免的会被侵犯到一些个人隐私，作为明星，应该对此有心理准备；反之作为公众和社会，也应该加强对媒体的监管，不能无条件无限度的以对方是明星就肆意侵犯其隐私。
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It has been a common phonomenon that the privacy of famous people, such as TV and movie stars, are invaded by mass media. In my opinion, the famouse people should, and have right to posses a certain extent.

It is can not deny that, more or less, the public have a characteristic of seeking novelty, what have been added fuel to the fire by mass media, so it is not difficult to explain why more and more famous people often complain that there are nearly no private lives for them, what inevitebly conduce excessive pressures and sometimes, can even lead to more serious results. Take the Princess Diana for example, she was the typical of innocent ones for the mass media, to get away from the chase of Paparazzi, who are typical a group people working for the entertainment magazines, ended her life tragically in a car crash. And such examples are too numerous to mention one by one.

I suggest that people should be aware of, firstly, whether privacy of famous people should be protected is, to a certain extent, a problem in relation with right and obligation. It seems to me that the famouse people are citizens like us, certainly, their rights should be protected by laws. There will have unpredictable consequences if the standard of law is altered according to one's wishes, even these wishes are come from the masses.

Admittedly, famouse people are a special social group, as the particular nature of this vacation, for instance, they must appear in the media like TV shows and films usually, naturally lead to a problem of invasion to privacy. So, he or she had better realize, from the day they entered this stage, to a certain degree, there have high risks that their private lives may be revealed to the public. No complaints, just like solders have possibility to lose lives on the battlefields. Likewise, to the public and society, there should have moral restraint and legislation to restrict the behavior of mass media, there should have bottom line for the exposures of famous people's private lives.

It has been a common phonomenon that the privacy of famous people, such as TV and movie stars, are invaded by mass media. In my opinion, the famouse people should, and have right to posses a certain extent private privacy.(是不是重复了？）

It is can not deny that, more or less, the public have a characteristic of seeking novelty, what have been added fuel to the fire by mass media, so it is not difficult to expain（拼写） why more and more famous people often complain that there are nearly no private lives for them, what inevitebly conduce excessive pressures and sometimes, can even lead to more serious results. Take the Princess Diana for example, she was the typical of innocent ones for the mass media, to get away from the chase of Paparazzi, who are typical a group people working for the entertainment magazines, ended her life tragically in a car crash. And such examples are too numerous to mention one by one.

I suggest that people should be aware of, firstly, whether privacy of famous people should be protected is, to a certain extent, a problem in relation with right and obligation. It seems to me that the famouse people are citizens like us, certainly, their rights should be protected by laws. There will have unpredictable consequences if the standard of law is altered according to one's wishes, even these wishes are come from the masses.

Admittedly, famouse people are a special social group, as the particular nature of this vacation, for instance, they must appear in the media like TV shows and films usually, naturally lead to a problem of invasion to privacy. So, he or she had better relize（拼错？还是其他拼法？）, from the day they entered this stage, to a certain degree, there have high risks that their private lives may be revealed to the public. No complaints, just like solders have possibility to lose lives on the battlefields. Likewise, to the public and society, there should have moral restraint and legislation to restrict the behavior of mass media, there should have bottom line for the exposures of famous people's private lives.

建议：
1、  我觉得写得很好:loveliness: ，我想在准备g的人结构和立论就是不一样吧！
2、  尤其最后一段的写法，很值得学习：）
3、  找出几个拼写的问题
4、  无聊的加一笔，例子中要是有体育的明星的更有意思;d:

继续向天空学习分析和写作~~:handshake

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724980-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:16 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Fast food is rapidly becoming popular all over the world. Some people worry that this type of food is lacking in nutritional content. Further more, they also worry that traditional cuisines will disappear if the trend toward fast food continues. How far do you agree or disagree with this point of view?

  When it comes to fast food, a large number of people would say that it is an unhealthy kind of food although very popular. In addition, it is maybe a threat to our traditional food. From my perspective, it is really a essential part of our daily life despite it may have some weakness.

First of all, on account of the rapid development of the economy, we do know that “time is money”. Therefore, growing number of people have limited time to prepare food. It is the best choose that eating fast food. Maybe some opponents regard that the fast food, such like fried chicken, lacks nutritional content. In my opinion, we just eat fast food for breakfast or lunch. So we could eat a plenty of healthy food in supper.

Moreover, a considerable number of people think that the fast food is perhaps a threat to our traditional food, which would extincts in future. On the contrary, recent years, the fast food has mixed with the traditional food already. The telling example is that we can eat noodles and dumplings which is the traditional food supplied in most Chinese fast food restaurants. Thus, not only can we save our time on eating, but also enjoy the delicious traditional food.

Taking into account of the two factors, we may reach the conclusion that despite the fast food may lacks nutritional content, it does exerted an extremely vital effect on our daily life. Provided that there is no fast food , I can not imagine what our life would be like. Also there is no evidence that because of fast food the traditional food would extinct. Hence, the fast food will be indispensable for our modern life.

When it comes to fast food, a large number of people would say that it is an unhealthy kind of food although very popular. In addition, it is maybe a threat to our traditional food. From my perspective, it is really a essential part of our daily life despite it may have some weakness.

First of all, on account of the rapid development of the economy, we do know that “time is money”. Therefore, growing number of people have limited time to prepare food. It is the best choose that eating fast food. Maybe some opponents regard that the fast food, such like fried chicken, lacks of nutritional content. In my opinion, we just eat fast food for breakfast or lunch. So we could eat a plenty of healthy food in supper.

Moreover, a considerable number of people think that the fast food is perhaps a threat to our traditional food, which would extincts in future. On the contrary, recent years, the fast food has mixed with the traditional food already. The telling example is that we can eat noodles and dumplings which is the traditional food supplied in most Chinese fast food restaurants. Thus, not only can we save our time on eating, but also enjoy the delicious traditional food.

Taking into account of the two factors, we may reach the conclusion that despite the fast food may lacks nutritional content, it does exerted an extremely vital effect on our daily life. Provided that there is no fast food , I can not imagine what our life would be like.（有点绝对化了吧？） Also there is no evidence that because of fast food the traditional food would extinct. Hence, the fast food will be indispensable for our modern life.

建议：
1、红色标记的是我认为有语法错误的
2、简单句过多，最好能把复杂句和简单句结合起来
3、通读文章，中国英语考试中写作的印记很明显
4、first of all/moreover这累词的使用，有些呆板，不是不好，就是觉得可以多看范文多使用更高级一点的词汇

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=725441&highlight

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:23 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task 1   
Description: The table below shows the consumer durables (telephone, refrigerator, etc) oweed in Britain from 1972 to 1983.

The table reveals information about the the number of consumer durable, such as television, washing machine and vacuum cleaner, what be possessed in every hundred households, all increased in the period from 1972 to 1983.
It can be seen from the table that the number of central heating prised from 37 in 1972 to 64 in 1983, more than half of households have at least one. The amount of vacuum cleaner and washing machine also took an upward trend, which increased from 87and 66 in 1972 to 95 and 80 in 1983 respectively. At the same period, almost every households owned a television.
The number of refrigerator grew all the way in the eight years period and it can be clearly seen that the speed of increase was quicker in the early years from 73 in 1972 to 91 in 1978, however, this trend remain stable and just have a slight rising in the later years. Likewise, the number of telephone also have a stable increasing from 42 in 1972 to 75 in 1981, then increased slowly to 77 in 1983.
Before 1983, there were no statistics of video set, and in 1983, nearly every 5 households have one. The first record of dishwasher in this table was in 1978, but the number was only 3 and increased slightly to 5.

建议：

我觉得读起来都挺顺的，task1主要就把图表描述清楚就好，也没要求来个评论性的结尾，就是字数太多了点，嘻嘻！基本上150-180就差不多了，写多了，考官看了也晕吧~~

Task 2
Topic: Should developing countries concentrate on Improving industrial skills or should they promote education first?
（TOPIC来源：雅思版置顶下载贴---写作---IELTS Writing Topics---Topic 3）
DATE: 20th, August  
WORDS: 347

提纲：
第一段---首先说明区别发展中国家和发达国家的衡量标准是科技和经济实力，而教育和工业化分别是提高科技和经济实力的的途径。
第二段---论述职业教育对于发展中国家的作用（譬如提高生产效率），而这些都会为发展中国家带来直接的利益。
第三段---在现代社会，国与国之间的竞争很大程度上是科技实力的竞争，举例（基因，能源）说明科学研究的重要性，而科学技术的提高需要培养一批受过良好教育的科技人才。
第四段---结尾申明论点，职业技能和学术教育两者没有孰轻孰重之分，对于发展中国家来说，同样重要。
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Today's world has been divided into developing countries and industrialised countries which the main difference between them is the scientific and economic strength, which mainly be promoted by education and industrilization respectively.

Undeniably, as a developing country, to accelerate the speed of industrialization, of course need a lot of skilled worker in all areas. It must be admitted that the industrial skills education can give the unfortunate countries real interests, for example, the difference of productivity between a layman and a specialized worker is very remarkable. And there is no question about the fact that the industrial skills education serves a direct purpose in helping students find a job, this is useful for easing the employment pressure, what is a common problem in developing nations.

However, it can not be deny that, the competition among countries, to a great extent, will be increasingly based on science and technology. Take the genetic engineering for example, the countries who are advance in this field will be very competitive in the future. Another instance is energy science, it is undoubtedly that, the traditional sources of energy, such like coal, gasoline and petrol, will be running out sooner or later. To keep a sustainable development, we need scientists to develop new power sources like nuclear and solar energy. To achieve these aims, it is necessarily that we need some outstanding scientists and as well as a larger amount of people who are well educated in universities and colleagues.

In conclusion, given the growing demands of skilled workers and the practical benefits, the developing countries must strive to improve industrial skills. At the same time, they need promoting scholarly education to catch up the developed nations and be a great power. Like a coin have two sides, we must pay attention on both sides to see a whole picture.

Today's world has been divided into developing countries and industrialised countries （这句有点废话了吧？谁不知道有这样的区分呀！）which the main difference between them is the scientific and economic strength, which mainly be promoted by education and industrilization respectively.

Undeniably, as a developing country, to accelerate the speed of industrialization, of course need a lot of skilled worker in all areas. It must be admitted that the industrial skills education can give the unfortunate countries real interests, for example, the difference of productivity between a layman and a specialized worker is very remarkable. And there is no question about the fact that the industrial skills education serves a direct purpose in helping students find a job, this is useful for easing the employment pressure, what is a common problem in developing nations.

However, it can not be deny that, the competition among countries, to a great extent, will be increasingly based on science and technology. Take the genetic engineering for example, the countries who are advanced in this field will be very competitive in the future. Another instance is energy science, it is undoubtedly that, the traditional sources of energy, such like coal, gasoline and petrol, will be running out sooner or later. To keep a sustainable development, we need scientists to develop new power sources like nuclear and solar energy. To achieve these aims, it is necessarily（adv.?）  that we need some outstanding scientists and as well as(去掉and 吧) a larger amount of people who are well educated in universities and colleagues.

In conclusion, given the growing demands of skilled workers and the practical benefits, the developing countries must strive to improve industrial skills. At the same time, they need promoting scholarly education to catch up the developed nations and be a great power. Like a coin have two sides（这句话还是少用吧，说了有点像没说）, we must pay attention on both sides to see a whole picture.

建议：
首段没有提出观点，中立的话，应该更要把观点说明。开门见山，直接点吧！

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-725513-1-3.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

2006.7.8(show respect to older people)
In many countries, insufficient respect is shown to older people. What are the reasons and what problems does it cause to the society?

An increasing number of elderly people feel that they cannot get enough appreciation and respect from others, even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. Another leading factor is that the government authority did not offer great help to these aged people. For instance, retired people sometimes could not get their pension in time, which would, to some extent, affect their normal life. Furthermore, as the increasingly fierce competition in our society, the majority of young people would have to study hard or work day and night to earn more money for their household. Thus, they would probably have little time to show their love and care to their elder parents in spiritual way.

If this trend continues, it would potentially cause some serious problems to our society. No respect to them leads to no care for them, thus most of the older people would probably have no home to stay, which would surely have great negative impacts on the society. Moreover, if the younger generations do not show enough respect to the elderly people, the traditional virtue “Respect for the old” would probably disappear, which would potentially lead to less respect shown by next generations to them in future.

As a concerned member of our society, I would like to ask all of you this: “Would we have the heart to see our older generations be helpless and let the long-existing traditional virtue disappearing?” If not, we’d better show our love and give more care to them.

An increasing number of elderly people feel that they cannot get enough appreciation and respect from others, even sometimes they feel helpless in some situation. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the selfishness of young people that makes them pay more attention to themselves instead of others. They always think of how to gain status and power in the society, ignoring the fact that a large number of opportunities were created by their elder generations. Another leading factor is that the government authority did not offer great help to these aged people. For instance, retired people sometimes could not get their pension in time, which would, to some extent, affect their normal life. Furthermore, as the increasingly fierce competition in our society, the majority of young people would have to study hard or work day and night to earn more money for their household. Thus, they would probably have little time to show their love and care to their elder parents in spiritual way.

If this trend continues, it would potentially cause some serious problems to our society. No respect to them leads to no care for them（这句的主语很怪）, thus most of the older people would probably have no home to stay, which would surely have great negative impacts on the society. Moreover, if the younger generations do not show enough respect to the elderly people, the traditional virtue “Respect for the old” would probably disappear, which would potentially lead to less respect shown by next generations to them in future.

As a concerned member of our society, I would like to ask all of you this: “Would we have theheart to see our older generations be helpless and let the long-existing traditional virtue disappearing?” If not, we’d better show our love and give more care to them.

建议：
1、第二段：我觉得这段话的理由可以按照逻辑顺序排列下，你给的理由分别来自年轻人——政府——又是年轻人，这样读起来有点乱，想在绕圈子
2、第三段的句子过渡的很精彩！第三段引起的问题，我觉得对应着第二段的原因来说，也写满三个，这两段可能会更漂亮些
3、最后一段，最好不要加进这种带评论性的文字

原贴https://bbs.gter.net/thread-725678-1-4.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:41 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

2005.2.19(Leisure vs. technology)
Leisure is a growing industry. People no longer entertain themselves as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Recreation plays an increasingly important role in recent years owing to the fierce competition in modern society. Thus, how to spend their leisure time more entertainingly has been brought to popular attention. In my opinion, utilizing advanced technology in entertainment is, in general, a good idea, though has some drawbacks.

It is admitted that when we entered the 21st century, we have been enjoying the convenience(方便快捷) that modern technology brings in all aspects of life, including leisure time. For instance, we can enjoy a cup of flavored coffee made by a coffee machine in just few seconds instead of the complicated process of grinding the coffee beans by ourselves. Moreover, a considerable ways of relaxing would be presented to us due to the high-technology. Some hi-tech gadgets such as “PlayStation Portable” are warmly welcomed by children, which is surely beyond our imagination when technology was not widely used. All in all, it is the fact that the majority of people prefer today’s leisure time to the past ones.

However, some negative effects that modern technology brings can not be overlooked. Some hi-tech devices being an assistant of our life, “creative thinking” may gradually be a word of past. People do not have to think how to make the coffee beans into a cup of coffee. Instead, they just sit there waiting a couple of time. It may not have so much negative effects on adults，however, for children being the key role of the development of next generation, it would potentially make them less creative.

As a concerned member of our developing society, I would like ask all of you this: “Isn’t it too much for us to ask for convenience at the expense of our creativity of our next generation?” I do agree that we could and have already reaped many benefits of the technology brings to our leisure industry, but shouldn’t we consider things for our next generations? Therefore, I think, at the same time as we enjoy hi-technological spare time, we should tell our children how these technologically sophisticated devices work and intrigue their creativity.   

Recreation plays an increasingly important role in recent years owing to the fierce competition in modern society. Thus, how to spend their(这个指代不明)leisure time more entertainingly has been brought to popular attention. In my opinion, utilizing advanced technology in entertainment is, in general, a good idea, though has some drawbacks.

It is admitted that when we entered the 21st century, we have been enjoying the convenience(方便快捷) that modern technology brings in all aspects of life, including leisure time. For instance, we can enjoy a cup of flavored coffee made by a coffee machine in just few seconds instead of the complicated process of grinding the coffee beans by ourselves. Moreover, a considerable ways of relaxing would be presented to us due to the high-technology. Some hi-tech gadgets such as “PlayStation Portable” are warmly welcomed by children, which is surely beyond our imagination when technology was not widely used. All in all, it is the fact that the majority of people prefer today’s leisure time to the past ones.

However, some negative effects that modern technology brings can not be overlooked. Some hi-tech devices being an assistant of our life, “creative thinking” may gradually be a word of past. People do not have to think how to make the coffee beans into a cup of coffee. Instead, they just sit there waiting a couple of time. It may not have so much negative effects on adults，however, for children being the key role of the development of the next generation（这句没读懂，能不能解释一下）, it would potentially make them less creative.

As a concerned member of our developing society, I would like ask all of you this: “Isn’t it too much for us to ask for convenience at the expense of our creativity of our next generation?” I do agree that we could and have already reaped many benefits of the technology brings to our leisure industry, but shouldn’t we consider things for our next generations? Therefore, I think, at the same time as we enjoy hi-technological spare time, we should tell our children how these technologically sophisticated devices work and intrigue their creativity.

结构逻辑都挺不错的，尤其是最后提出的建议~~（我认为你比较擅长些SOLUTION类的作文:loveliness: ）

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-726204-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 16:50 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task1
Description: The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

The column graph shows how many hours of leisure time that were enjoyed by males and females among different employment status in a typical week of 1998-1999 period.

Interestingly, according to the graph, the most obvious evidence is that men enjoy more spare time than women in most groups, like full-time, unemployed and retired. Of these three groups , in average, men have nearly 10 hours of leisure time more than women. In the full-time group, which males enjoy approximate 50 hours a week where as less than 40 hours for females. In the groups who were unemployed and retired, it can be seen that parallels between the two , which males have almost 90 hours to entertain and relax, 10 hours more than females.

There were no statistics of males in group of employed as part-time, where females have nearly 40 hours leisure time in a week. And for housewives, they enjoyed almost 50 hours per week.

这篇TASK1写的不错，我没提出什么意见 :loveliness:

Task2
Topic: “Prevention is better than cure.”
Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
提纲：
第一段：随着社会的发展，政府应该为公民提供更好的医疗服务。人吃五谷得百病，预防只是一种辅助措施，应该将更多的钱花在治疗上而不是预防。在本文中，我将阐述这样做的理由。
第二段：疾病是一种自然现象，每天都在发生，不管是大病还是小病，得病是不可避免的。
当前的医疗基础设施还不完善（举例，农村很多人得了病不能得到及时的救治；上次去医院看病，竟然等了2个小时）。
第三段：诚然，作为一种辅助性的措施，预防和教育也是非常重要的。（举例，合适的预防措施可以有效减少传染病的发病率；健康教育可以使人们拥有更好的life style，有效降低的病的机会）
结尾，重申论点。
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In today's society due to the development of economy more demand on health are coming into occurrence. Appropriate and immediate medical therapy must be provided whenever one fall sick. For this reason, the country's health budget should spend on treatment rather than education and prevention firstly.

The ill, no matter serious diseases or minor ailments, are all natural things that everybody will be troubled by them in one's life. A inconvenient truth is that medical infrastructures are far to perfect, especially in developing countries. In rural area, peoples are very difficult to get medical cure in time when they are ill. While in city, the conditions are no better than in country. Take me for instance, last time when I get a little ailment , I went to a fairly big hospital in my city to see a doctor, it is very disappointing that I waited for full two hours. From this, it can be seen that the importance to strengthen the medical infrastructure.

As a supporting measure of medical treatment, health education and prevention are indispensable and play a significant role in country's health system. The incidence of infectious diseases can be reduced largely by the means of prevention such as disinfection and secretion measures. Likewise, health education can make people aware of the interest of correct life style therefore decrease the chance people getting sick.

In conclusion, although health education and preventative measure can bring us a lot of benefits, however, I still insist that government should pay more budget on curing because of its urgent need.

In today's society due to the development of economy more demand on health are coming into occurrence（这句没看懂）. Appropriate and immediate medical therapy must be provided whenever one falls sick. For this reason, the country's health budget should spend on treatment rather than education and prevention firstly.

The ill, no matter serious diseases or minor ailments, are all natural things that everybody （过于绝对了吧？并不是每个人都会感染严重疾病的呀！而且，看这句话时，我就着急，为什么还不切入正题呢？有点废话凑字数的嫌疑）will be troubled by them in one's life. A inconvenient truth is that medical infrastructures are far to perfect, especially in developing countries. In rural area, peoples are very difficult to get medical cure（我查了下，觉得用it is very difficult for …..好像更地道些） in time when they are ill. While in city, the conditions are no better than in country. Take me for instance, last time when I get a little ailment , I went to a fairly big hospital in my city to see a doctor, it is very disappointing that I waited for full two hours. From this, it can be seen that the importance to strengthen the medical infrastructure.（例子最好不要选择自己或朋友，也许一些报道的说服力会更强）

As a supporting measure of medical treatment, health education and prevention are indispensable and play a significant role in country's health system. The incidence of infectious diseases can be reduced largely by the means of prevention such as disinfection and secretion（惭愧，专业词汇忘了好多，除了分泌，还有什么意思吗？才不出来） measures. Likewise, health education can make people aware of the interest of correct life style therefore decrease the chance people getting sick.

因为你的观点是支持治疗为主，如果能在这一段叙述一下只是单纯健康教育可能产生的问题

In conclusion, although health education and preventative measure can bring us a lot of benefits, however, I still insist that government should pay more budget on curing because of its urgent need.


废话一句，这题目要是让我写，我支持健康教育更重要的观点，嘻嘻~~

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-726231-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 18:28 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

2006.4.8(space travel)
Space travel to the moon is considered as “a step of mankind”. But some people think that space travel has made little difference on people’s lives today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Traveling to the outer space has brought to such popular attention that a large number of countries place it on the agenda as an important matter. Some people believe that space exploration could not bring many changes to people’s life. However, I disagree with it to some extent.

It is admittedly true that the changes that space travel brings may not so obvious that anyone in the world could reap many benefits. Most of results, as every outsider saw, are just some rocks and sand from the moon. Even, some opponents of the space travel point to the fact that there are an increasing number of matters confronted by people, which should be considered first. The money and efforts now being wasted on space travel could be wisely spent on other more essential matters, such as environmental protection, solving the problems of housing shortage.

However, the benefits that space exploration brings should not be overlooked. A large number of great inventions, some of which even play significant parts in saving people’s lives, are the direct or indirect results of space exploration. For instance, neither heart pacemaker nor freeze-dried foods could be invented without space program. Furthermore, the exploration of the outer space is an essential way for people on earth to find another planet for them to live, for the environment on earth has been destroyed to such a serious extent that human beings may be unable to rely on. Lastly, the supporters of the space programs point to the scientific knowledge that could be obtained from the outside world.

In conclusion, the space research could bring enormous positive changes not only on practical benefits but also on theoretical knowledge. Therefore, space travel is of great necessity to people living on the earth.

Traveling to the outer space has brought to such popular attention that a large number of countries place it on the agenda as an important matter. Some people believe that space exploration could not bring many changes to people’s life. However, I disagree with it to some extent.

It is admittedly true（意思重复） that the changes that space travel brings may not be so obvious that anyone in the world could reap many benefits. Most of results, as every outsider saw, are just some rocks and sand from the moon. Even, some opponents of the space travel point outthe fact that there are an increasing number of matters confronted by(好像没有这种用法，我的建议是改成——people are confronted with an …) people, which should be considered first. The money and efforts now being wasted on space travel could be wisely spent on other more essential matters, such as environmental protection, solving the problems of housing shortage.

However, the benefits that space exploration brings should not be overlooked. A large number of great inventions, some of which even play significant parts in saving people’s lives, are the direct or indirect results of space exploration. For instance, neither heart pacemaker nor freeze-dried foods could be invented without space program. Furthermore, the exploration of the outer space is an essential way for people on earth to find another planet for them to live, for the environment on earth has been destroyed to such a serious extent that human beings may be unable to rely on. Lastly, the supporters of the space programs point to the scientific knowledge that could be obtained from the outside world.

In conclusion, the space research could bring enormous positive changes not only on practical benefits but also on theoretical knowledge. Therefore, space travel is of great necessity to people living on the earth.

嘻嘻！进步挺大的~~

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-726797-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 17:13 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task1
The first chart below shows the result of a survey which sampled a cross-section of 100,000 people asking if they traveled abroad and why they traveled for the period 1994-98. The second chart shows their destinations over the same period.

The two tables reveal the information that how many people traveled abroad and the reason why they traveled from 1994 to 1998, and likewise show where they traveled to. It can be seen that during this period, the amount of people who traveled abroad raised notably from almost twenty-two thousands in 1994 to nearly twenty-nine thousands in 1998.

The first table shows that among the four main purposes, the number of people who traveled in holiday were most, which grew all the way in this period, from 15,426 to 20,700, and just have a slight decreasing in 1995. People traveled for business were relatively less compared to holiday, just 3,155 in 1994, then increased gradually to 3,957 in 1998. The number of people who traveled for visiting friends and relative aims raised steady from 2,689 to 3,182, however, in the initial two years, decreased a little to 2,628 in 1995. Besides above, people traveled abroad for other purposes made up only a small proportion, and fluctuated from 982 in 1994 to 990 in 1998.

From the second table, it will be readily seen that Western Europe was the most favorite destination all the time. The number increased from 19,371 to 24,519, however, its amount proportionate to the total reduced from 88% in 1994 to 85% in 1998. North America and other destinations accounted remaining proportion. The number of people went to North America and other areas both increased, from 919 and 1,782 to 1,823 and 2,468 respectively.

The two tables reveal the information that how many people traveled abroad and the reason why they traveled from 1994 to 1998, and likewise show where they traveled to. It can be seen that during this period, the amount of people who traveled abroad raised notably from almost twenty-two thousands in 1994 to nearly twenty-nine thousands in 1998.

The first table shows that among the four main purposes, the number of people who traveled in holiday were the most, which grew all the way in this period, from 15,426 to 20,700, and just had a slight decreasing in 1995. People traveled for business were relatively less compared to holiday, just 3,155 in 1994, then increased gradually to 3,957 in 1998. The number of people who traveled for visiting friends and relative aimed raised steady from 2,689 to 3,182, however, in the initial two years, it(缺个主语吧，不知道能不能这样用) decreased a little to 2,628 in 1995. Besides above, people traveled abroad for other purposes made up only a small proportion, and fluctuated from 982 in 1994 to 990 in 1998.（前面已经使用过一样的句式了，要不简单点，就写成982 to 990 from 1994 to 1998 ?）

From the second table, it will be readily seen that Western Europe was the most favorite destination all the time. The number increased from 19,371 to 24,519, however, its amount proportionate to the total reduced from 88% in 1994 to 85% in 1998. North America and other destinations accounted remaining proportion. The number of people who(要不这句变成number 到北美去了) went to North America and other areas both increased, from 919 and 1,782 to 1,823 and 2,468 respectively.

有几个时态前后不一致

Task 2
Topic: Without capital punishment(the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
提纲：
第一段：死刑是所有刑罚中最严重的一种，它剥夺人的生命权，是对那些罪大恶极的犯罪分子的惩罚，同时对整个社会起到震慑作用，所以我认为，死刑能够对于控制社会暴力来说作用非常关键。
第二段：随着社会的发展，有些人提出来应该取消死刑，他们的理由是：死刑无法给与犯人重新做人的机会，而通过教育和改造，可以是很多犯人浪子回头。但是，他们忽略了一个很严重的事实，那就是，对于犯人的教育和改造，需要耗费整个社会巨大的人力和物力，譬如：需要兴建更多的监狱和改造场所，需要更多经过培训的教育人员。而教育和改造的成功率，并没有预期的那么高，所以，教育和改造，只能是一种辅助的手段。
第三段：对于那些罪大恶极的犯罪分子，施以死刑一方面是对犯人进行应有的惩罚，另一方面也是对受害者家属的抚慰。杀人者偿命是自古以来公认的道理，如果没有死刑，有些人便会存有侥幸心理，因此有可能导致犯罪尤其是恶性犯罪率的上升，对整个社会和人们的财产以及生命安全造成巨大的威胁。
第四段，教育和改造虽然很重要，但是，对于整个社会安全来说，死刑所起的作用更加的essential一点。
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As the most strict punishment, death penalty deprive the lives of someone who committed serious crime, meanwhile, can warn the ones who are likely offend the laws. Due to these reasons the death to the killers plays a key role to diminish the incidence of violence in society.

In recent years, an increase of violence both individual and political, has prompted a surge of public opinion on capital punishment. The claim that death punishment give no chance for criminal to rebuild his life, and appropriate education and transform have the ability to achieve this aim, sounds reasonable at first thought. However, several important concerns, which the claimer fails to recognize, would conduce improper social viewpoint of death penalty. Because of the immense consumptions of material and human resources to carry out education and transformation, for instance, it is needed to build a lot of prisons to confine criminals, likewise, implementing education requires numerous people who have been well trained. Moreover, considering the poor success rate of these measures, in essential, they are only supplement methods of death penalty.

It is death penalty the deserved punishment for the person who have been convicted of serious crime. On the other hand, it is the death penalty the appeasement for the casualty and his family. If the capital punishment is not in existence, it is possible that somebody will have the opportunity mind, as a result, it would induce sharply rising of incidence of crime especially vicious crimes for whole society, what is a serious threat for people's lives and property.

In conclusion, education and prevention are very important without doubt, I still stick to my opinion that because of its vital contributions to violence controlling, death penalty play a essential part to make a safer society.
(Word: 294)

As the most strict punishment, death penalty deprive the lives of someone who committed serious crime, meanwhile, can warn the ones who are likely offend the laws. Due to these reasons， the death to the killers plays a key role to diminish the incidence of violence in society.

In recent years, an increase of violence both individual and political, has prompted a surge of public opinion on capital punishment. The claim that death punishment gives no chance for criminal to rebuild his life（give … for…只有购买的意思，我觉得可以改为gives no chance to criminal of rebuliding his life?）  , and（改成转折，可能会顺点吧？要不两个and） appropriate education and transform have the ability to achieve this aim, sounds reasonable at first thought. However, several important concerns, which the claimer fails to recognize, would conduce improper social viewpoint of death penalty. Because of the immense consumptions of material and human resources to carry out education and transformation, for instance, it is needed to build a lot of prisons to confine criminals, likewise, implementing education requires numerous people who have been well trained. Moreover, considering the poor success rate of these measures, in essential, they are only supplement methods of death penalty.


It is death penalty the deserved punishment for the person who have been convicted of serious crime. On the other hand, it is the death penalty the appeasement for the casualty and his family. If the capital punishment is not in existence, it is possible that somebody will have the opportunity mind, as a result, it would induce sharply rising of incidence of crime especially vicious crimes for(to?)the whole society, what is a serious threat for people's lives and property.


In conclusion, education and prevention are very important without doubt, I still stick to my opinion that because of its vital contributions to violence controlling, death penalty plays an essential part to make a safer society.


考试的时候，速度快一点，然后把文章中的小错误检查出来~~

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-726780-1-2.html

forbeckUID: 2297645

V110(losing a variety of languages and cultures)
What are the reasons for losing a variety of languages and cultures? Give some solutions to solve the problem.

It can not be denied that minority languages and cultures are dying out as we entered the epoch of globalization. In fact, this trend may bring some disadvantages of different culture identity. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the economic globalization that makes it possible for all the people to use only one common language to communicate, and even to make them identify others’ culture. In addition, when two completely different cultures meet at the first time, the one in inferior situation would probably be in the danger of extinction. Lastly, people who speak minor language could not pay enough attention to their language and culture. Instead, they inclined to speak more international one, which, they thought, is a kind of fashion.

From the three reasons I mentioned above, I would like to suggest some solutions to them. First of all, the government of those nations with minor languages should take some measures to enhance the awareness of protecting their own language and culture, which, otherwise, would potentially endanger national identity.(? 不知道对不对). Secondly, it is the non-governmental organization’s responsibility that provides some lectures to show the importance of their own language and how to protect their culture. Thirdly, all walks of society should help each other to preserve their culture.

As a proud citizen of our colorful global village, I do agree that there are irresistible benefits in having a common language. However, as each language and culture plays an essential role in diversity of the world, it is high time that we protected them.

It can not be denied that minority languages and cultures are dying out as we entered(用现在时，因为全球化一直在进行中阿)the epoch of globalization. In fact, this trend may bring some disadvantages of different culture identity(identities). To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to(of) it.

First and foremost, it is the economic globalization that（which?） makes it possible for all the people to use only one common language to communicate, and even to make them identify others’ cultures. In addition, when two completely different cultures meet at the first time, the one in inferior situation would probably be in the danger of extinction. Lastly, people who speak minor language could not pay enough attention to their language and culture. Instead, they inclined to speak more international one, which, they thought, is a kind of fashion.

From the three reasons I mentioned above, I would like to suggest some solutions to them. First of all, the government of those nations with minor languages should take some measures to enhance the awareness of protecting their own language and culture, which, otherwise, would potentially endanger national identity.(? 不知道对不对). Secondly, it is the non-governmental organization’s responsibility that provides some lectures to show the importance of their own language and how to protect their culture. Thirdly, all walks of society should help each other to preserve their culture.

As a proud citizen of our colorful global village, I do agree that there are irresistible benefits in having a common language. However, as each language and culture plays an essential role in diversity of the world, it is high time that we protected them.

建议：

1、            还是长句的问题吧！尽量长短结合，减少小错误~~

2、            First and foremost这类的，如果能减少使用次数，就尽量避免使用，太呆板了，这种短语

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-727403-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 17:27 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

2004.8.14(Ads makes us different or same)
Advertisements discourage us from being different individuals and make us become what they want us to be and look the same. Discuss.

As society has entered the information age and commercialization is sweeping across the world, advertisement plays an increasingly significant role in people’s life. Some people believe that people, under the influence of advertisement, become much more similar in both appearance and character. Others, however, disagree with this regard. In the following essay, I will briefly discuss both viewpoints and give some of my own.

It is admitted that since the advertising entered our life, people’s choices of purchase have been, more or less, limited to a certain amount of goods. A large number of people would not like to make a choice among hundreds of products presented on the market. Instead, they prefer to refer to some suggestions or search some information to narrow the range of them in order to make a more delightful choice. Therefore, it is likely that some people may choose the same merchandises instead. Another leading reason of making people disparate is that most people, especially young children, prefer to choose advertised products, which, they think, are the newest and most fashionable one.

However, it is not always true for all the age groups. First of all, it is the young people’s nature that makes them pursue difference. They regard distinction as a kind of individuality. Moreover, some experienced people may not choose the advertised one, because they think that the introduction of this merchandise is, in a sense, cheat our customers. Thus, the commercials could not affect people so heavily that it makes us disparate as it wants us to be.

From my point of view, advertisement is not a “machine” manipulating people’s purchasing behaviors, but only an assistant of buying goods.

As society has entered(看了你这么多篇作文，发现你很喜欢用enter，而且很喜欢界定一段历史) the information age and commercialization is sweeping across the world, advertisement plays an increasingly significant role in people’s life. Some people believe that people, under the influence of advertisement, become much more similar in both appearance and character. Others, however, disagree with this regard. In the following essay, I will briefly discuss both viewpoints and give some of my own.

It is admitted that since the advertising（这是广告业的意思吧？） entered our life, people’s choices of purchase have been, more or less, limited to a certain amount of goods. A large number of people would not like to make a choice among hundreds of products presented on（in?） the market. Instead, they prefer to refer to(what does is mean here？归咎于或者查询？)some suggestions or search some information to narrow the range of them in order to make a more delightful choice. Therefore, it is likely that some people may choose the same merchandises instead. Another leading reason of making people disparate is that most people, especially young children, prefer to choose advertised products, which, they think, are the newest and most fashionable one(这有点重复了，不过想不起来的修饰了).

However, it is not always true for all the age groups. First of all, it is the young people’s nature that makes them pursue difference（这有歧义，是想表达他们总喜欢购买不同的东西？或者改称adv形式呢？）. They regard distinction as a kind of individuality. Moreover, some experienced people may not choose the advertised ones（被广告宣传的产品不止一件吧？）, because they think that the introduction of this merchandise is, in a sense, cheat our customers. Thus, the commercials could not affect people so heavily that it makes us disparate as it wants us to be.（这句话没看懂）

From my point of view, advertisement is not a “machine” manipulating（which manipulates）people’s purchasing behaviors, but only an assistant of buying goods.

建议：
1、最好能开门见山先表明自己的观点。
2、可能是这个题目没有表达完整，这应该是属于argument的题目把，但是你的第二段却是在讨论原因，而且篇幅占得很大。这个影响可能会比较大，考试时需要注意下~~

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-727919-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 H-Kevin 于 2007-8-28 18:35 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Task 1
The table below shows the figures for imprisonment in five countries between 1930 and 1980.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

This bar chart shows the total number of prisoner in five countries from 1930 to 1980.

As can be seen from this table, among the five countries, the figure of Great Britain was least in most years, it raised gradually from nearly 30,000 in 1930 to more than 80,000 in 1980. The number of Australia was approximately 70 thousands at beginning, the lowest point occurred in 1940, which was less than 50,000, then, increased to nearly 80,000 in 1970, a sharply decreasing occurred in 1980, which was only half million. The number of New Zealand was higher compared to its Oceanian neighbor, decreased sharply by nearly 50 per cent from a million in 1930 to less than 60 thousands in 1940, and then rised rapidly to about 80 thousands in 1970, followed with a sudden fall in 1980. There was a fluctuate but steady downward tendency of the number in Canada, decreasing from almost 120,000 to about 100,000. The prisoner in United States increased rapidly from 100,000 to 140,000 during this period. (Words:173)

This bar chart shows the total number of prisoners in five countries from 1930 to 1980.

As can be seen from this table, among the five countries, the figure of Great Britain was least in most years, it raised gradually from nearly 30,000 in 1930 to more than 80,000 in 1980. The number of Australia was approximately 70thousands at beginning, the lowest point occurred in 1940, which was less than 50,000, then, increased to nearly 80,000 in 1970, (这里要是加上一个连接词，应该读着会更顺些，比如following)a sharply decreasing occurred in 1980, which was only half million(half a million,要不就要在两个词中加连接符号). The number of New Zealand was higher compared to its Oceanian neighbor, decreased sharply（重复了，换一个吧）by nearly 50 per cent from a million in 1930 to less than 60 thousands in 1940, and then rised rapidly to about 80 thousands in 1970, followed with a sudden fall in 1980. There was a fluctuate（这是动词，改成fluctuation） but steady downward tendency of the number in Canada, decreasing from almost 120,000 to about 100,000. The prisoners in United States increased rapidly from 100,000 to 140,000 during this period.(美国的变化应该不只是这样一句就能描述完的吧？变化挺大的)

Task 2Topic: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

提纲：
第一段——在过去二十年里，妇女的社会地位得到了很大的提高。有些人开始认为，诸如青少年犯罪这些问题应该归咎于已婚妇女没有足够的时间照顾他们的子女。我不认可这种观点。
第二段——社会地位包括受教育的权利，更好的医疗保障以及从事更加高级的工作，毫无疑问，妇女的社会地位越来越得到提高。譬如，在政府和企业里，妇女不只是作为秘书和一般工作人员，越来越多的女性开始进入管理层，发挥和男性一样的作用。
第三段——诚然，因为要从事更加繁忙的工作，妇女不可能像以前一样只是做一个家庭主妇，照料子女的时间肯定会减少，但是，这只能是青少年犯罪的一个部分原因，甚至只能说是一个间接原因。整个社会对于青少年的影响，例如电视节目中频繁出现的暴力镜头，加之年轻人本身心智就不成熟，是造成越来越多的青少年犯罪的直接原因。
第四段——面对问题，我们应该加以深入分析，譬如青少年犯罪，政府应该采取严厉措施限制暴力犯罪节目的数量，多加以正面教育，而不是将责任简单的归结在妇女社会地位的提高上。当然，作为家长，除了工作之外，也应该尽可能的抽出更多的时间陪子女。
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The social statues of women have promoted significantly in the past decade. Thus somebody argue that a lot of problems young children now experience, such as juvenile delinquency should owe to deficiency of time for married women in caring their children. In my opinion, this claim fall to an error that simplify the problem.

The right to receiving good education, possessing medical security as well as engaging in high level job position are all parts of social statues which raised undoubtedly in recent years. Not only as secretary and clerk, but also as manager and administrator that women begin to engage in government and company. Take the secretary of United States, Rice for example, who had studied in University of Denver and now is one of the most powerful persons in the world.

It is admittedly that due to hard work, for women only be a housewives is impossible and consequently conduce the lacking of time to take care their children. However, this is just a indirect reason of the rising in crime rate for young people. It seems to me that the main causes are influences of whole society, such as frequently occurrences of violent and pornographic scenes in TV operas and movies, together with immaturity of juvenile mind, lead young people to a road of crime.

Whenever facing problems, the proper measure is making an intensive analysis rather than simplify the problems. Over this matter of juvenile delinquency, government should adopt series steps such as establish strict measures to cut down the amount of violent programs instead of positive education. As parents, in addition to working hardly, it is necessary for married women to pay more attention to their children.

The social statues of women have been(应该是被动的吧？) promoted significantly in the past decades(加个复数吧，应该不止10年) . Thus somebody argues that a lot of problems young children now experience, such as juvenile delinquency should owe to deficiency of time for married women in caring for their children. In my opinion, this claim falls to an error that simplify the problem.

The right to receiving good education, possessing medical security as well as engaging in high level job position are all parts of social statues which raised undoubtedly in recent years. Not only as secretary and clerk, but also as manager and administrator that women begin to engage in government and company. Take the secretary of United States, Rice for example, who had studied in University of Denver and now is one of the most powerful persons in the world.（这样的例子都找得到，强！）

It is admittedly that due to hard work, for women only be a housewives（这个好矛盾啊！人格分裂吗:confused: ;d: ） is impossible and consequently conduce the lacking of time to take care of their children. However, this is just a indirect reason of the rising in crime rate for young people. It seems to me that the main causes are influences of whole society, such as frequently occurrences of violent and pornographic scenes in TV operas and movies, together with immaturity of juvenile mind, lead young people to a road of crime.

Whenever facing problems, the proper measure is making an intensive analysis rather than simplifying? the problems. Over this matter of juvenile delinquency, government should adopt series steps such as establish strict measures to cut down the amount of violent programs instead of(这个词除了替代还有什么意思吗？) positive education. As parents, in addition to working hardly, it is necessary for married women to pay more attention to their children.(Words:287)

建议：
1、中间的论证严密。
2、我觉得在文章里，你表达的观点，概念有点被偷换了，你本想反对这个观点，也能从字里行间看得出这种想法，但是，重要的是你把观点换成了你能为看问题不能如此简单这样的哲学问题。这只是我的个人观点。

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-727792-1-2.html

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-8-28 17:45 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

Some people believe that students who want to attend colleges or universities after graduation from high school should spend one year taking a job to gain work experience or traveling to enlarge their vision. You should use specific reasons to state the advantage and disadvantages of this practice.

As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is suppose to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized that our society only provide a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.

After weighing all the pros and cons, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is supposed to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It is good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized(这里怎么用上了被动语态呢？) that our society only provides a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to（繁琐，直接fail就够了） obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.


After weighing all the pros and cons, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

建议：
1、最好能开门见山的谢明自己的观点。一直到最后一段我才找到你的观点。
2、文章的中间的重点两大部分，逻辑都挺严密

原贴：https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=728651&pid=1770787184&page=1&extra=page%3D2#pid1770787184