argument7, 求点评

maxine429UID: 2686120

自改过，现在是500字，求点评~


TOPIC: ARGUMENT7 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Clearview newspaper.

"In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green, who is a member of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council, because the current members are not protecting our environment. For example, during the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses. If we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved."
WORDS: 412
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2011-3-12 18:39:34

In the argument, the author suggests that if the residents elect Ann Green (AG) rather than Frank Braun (FB) who is a member of current town council to become the mayor, the environmental problems in Clearview (C) will be solved certainly. To support his/her recommendation, the author cites some facts to prove that the current town council is not protecting the environment. Although the argument might seem reasonable at first glance, it is in fact based on a one-side comparison and flawed in several respects.

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that current town council does not protect our environment only depending on several unconvincing facts. First, the author attributes the worse air pollution to the more factories in C. However, there is no evidence to prove that building the more factories is the decision of the current council and these factories are harm for environment. It is possible that all these factories are environmental friendly which will be less harm to environment. Secondly, the author neglects other reasons for the air pollution. Since the air can flow every where, it is entirely possible that this polluted air is spread by other place rather than from these factories. Thirdly, the author also unfairly concludes that the air pollution results in the increase number of respiratory illness. Perhaps, the local hospital has some famous specialists in respiratory illness recently, and therefore many patients come from other cities to pursue a better treatment, which certainly increase the number of patients. Without considering all of the possibilities, the author cannot hastily conclude that the current council is not protecting the environment.

Additionally, even if the current council should be responsible for this pollution and bad environment in C, the author cannot assume that FB, a member of the current council is not worthy to elect. It is possible that FB is an environmentalist in fact and he cares much more about the environment. Since the author fails to consider about the characteristic and background of FB, it is too hastily to deny FB as a choice to become the mayor.

Finally, the mere fact that AG is a member of the Good Earth Coalition is not sufficient evidence to prove that she will certainly solve the environmental problems and be worthy to become a mayor. The author fails to provide any other information and background of AG. Lacking such information, we cannot easily accept that AG is a good choice. Besides, the author fails to provide other candidates for mayor. It is possible that other people will be better than AG and FB. Without considering the actual ability of AG, the author’s suggestion that to elect the AG to become a mayor cannot be taken seriously.

In sum, the argument is ill-conceived. In order to draw a better conclusion, the author should provide more evidence to justify the current council is not protecting the environment, cites more background of AG and FB to make a complete comparison, and take every consideration into account.

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

嗯，比上一篇好多了，几个小问题：
（1）第二段论述的比较到位，有argu的感觉，但注意：工厂加倍，空气恶化，病人增多是并列的三个事实，原题中并没有说三者之间的关系，而你的文章中是：工厂多引起空气差引起病人多，这个因果链是你自己认为的而不是题中给出的，注意不要以自己的生活经验推断题中事物间的因果关系。
（2）相对于第二段，三四段的论述略为单薄，反驳点是对的但只是点到为止
（3）正巧，我昨儿改了篇Argu 7 by 咖啡盐，你可以参考看看呵~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1240844-1-1.html，二楼有我改过的word~

maxine429UID: 2686120

2# 蒲若苇


谢谢版主，第二段我我发现我真的逻辑关系有点搞混了，不过当时写的时候第二段的确是下意识多写了点，注意了具体问题，然后写完第二段，我发现我只有不到一半时间了，所以后面一开始写的时候就写得不太详细，最后自改的时候也没有太注意~

我把第二段修改了下，版主再看看下如何：

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that current town council does not protect our environment only depending on several unconvincing facts. First, the author falsely attributes the more factories in C to the decision of the current town council. It is possible that the factories automatically move to the town owing to expand their market. Even if it is a council’s decision, it is entirely possible that all these factories are environmental friendly which will be less harm to environment. Secondly, the author neglects other reasons for the air pollution actually. Since the air can flow every where, it is entirely possible that this polluted air is spread by other place but have no relationship with the current council. Thirdly, the author also unfairly concludes that the some environmental problems results in the increase number of respiratory illness. Perhaps, the local hospital has some famous specialists in respiratory illness recently, and therefore many patients come from other cities to pursue a better treatment, which certainly increase the number of patients. Without considering all of the possibilities, the author cannot hastily conclude that the current council is not protecting the environment.

maxine429UID: 2686120

2# 蒲若苇

对了，版主，可不可以帮忙看一下Issue呢？其实对Issue挺没底的，自己感觉有很多问题。我觉得我观点比较简单，句式更简单，语法什么的好像也不太注意，容易自己乱写造句（感觉从小就没太注意这些，英语成绩也一直很普通）。考G的时候，才发现我的语言不是一般的贫乏，可是现在这方面要改或是有巨大突破也是不太可能了。所以我想请版主帮我总体看下，就是逻辑观点内容这些，简单提下有哪些比较严重的不足，我再最后一个礼拜可以重点注意下！麻烦斑竹了……

TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 505
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2011-3-13 19:37:50

The speaker asserts that tradition and modernization are incompatible. It might be tempting to agree with the speaker on the basis that some modern life style indeed influences the traditional customs and ethic at some extent. However, the speaker unnecessarily concludes that they are incompatible. In fact, they are not only compatible, but also have an interactional function on each other.

To begin with, I concede that some modern technology have influenced some traditional ways about people living. On the one hand, with the development of the technology, some traditional and inconvenient ways of life have already been taken over by some modern technology. For example, nowadays people usually prefer the flight, trains or cars to the carriages for travelling. We must admit that the faster transportation save us a lot of time. Besides, the modernization also helps the people get out of the blind worship for deity. Nowadays, we have a better knowledge of the natural orders and disasters, such as earthquakes and tsunami. Thus, at most modern regions, people have abandoned the traditional customs such as sacrifice the livestock. On the other hand, people have relied on the modernization too much to forget some traditional customs. For instance, nowadays, computers are so popular with people that some of them have already not been familiar with writing the words with pens.

Although the modernization has influenced the tradition so much, I do not agree with the speaker that the tradition and modernization are incompatible. Actually, they can exist in our life together. Take the letter for example. Although the E-mail has a lot of advantages and gives us a convenient and fast way to send information. There are still millions of people sending the normal letters every day. And when comes to some festivals, people still prefer to sending postcards with their written cherish and hope. Besides, both tradition and modernization have their unique merits to exist. Traditional culture always forms through thousands of years and tells us the history of our ancestors. Without tradition, people might be likely to forget their history either. Meanwhile, the modernization provides us a convenient life to live. Owing to the advanced technology, we can use the internet to close the world and communicate friends even across an ocean. Furthermore, modernization in fact can help spread the tradition rather then to abandon. Because of the globalization, spring festival, which is the traditional culture in China, has already been popular over the world. From this angle, the tradition and modernization actually help each other.

Finally, we do not need to choose between tradition and modernization, but to consider their advantages and disadvantages, and then make better way to improve our life. For example, the technology also casts detrimental effects on the environment, such as the air pollution from the excessive cars on the road. At this time, people should consider some traditional mind such as harmony said by Confucius, the world will become better and more harmonious. And if tradition and modernization indeed have some confliction, the best way is not to choose from them, but to combine them.

In sum, the tradition and modernization are compatible and even can help each other with a balance mind.

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

2# 蒲若苇  


谢谢版主，第二段我我发现我真的逻辑关系有点搞混了，不过当时写的时候第二段的确是下意识多写了点，注意了具体问题，然后写完第二段，我发现我只有不到一半时间了，所以后面一开始写的时候就写得 ...
maxine429 发表于 2011-3-13 22:40

嗯，改过之后好多了，就照着这个思路写，我觉得你这一段能给你增分不少

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

2# 蒲若苇  

对了，版主，可不可以帮忙看一下Issue呢？其实对Issue挺没底的，自己感觉有很多问题。我觉得我观点比较简单，句式更简单，语法什么的好像也不太注意，容易自己乱写造句（感觉从小就没太注意这些，英 ...
maxine429 发表于 2011-3-13 22:46

就这篇来说，我觉得写得还不错，思路很清楚，每段的主题和论证也不错
一个小建议：对于这种题目，可以在开头分别用自己的话定义一下tradition和modernization，这样在后面展开讨论的时候会比较有目的性

看好你，加油！

maxine429UID: 2686120

6# 蒲若苇

恩，我明天就去考试了，谢谢楼主。