【独立写作】sodapeng 托福写作

Frankie0616UID: 2763738

改好啦~要帮我改昨天的喔~ 谢谢

sodapengUID: 3242849

2月16日 101218NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.

The past decade has witnessed the rapid development in economics, people have own much more wealth than before, however at the meanwhile, the unequal distribution of income has made a huge gap between the rich individuals and the poor one. Thus, some people may claim that the rich can not make friend with the poor, they say that people with different wealth share different values; they can not even communicate, not mentioned being friends. Nonetheless, noting is more evident for me than that the same interest play a more important role in a friendship. The reasons are as follows.

The first reason I would like to elaborate upon is that the interest is of great importance in developing a friendship. A recent poll, conducted on line, offered a world wide report about the factors that people value most in a friendship. More than 70 percent of respondents show that the personality and the interest are the thing they care most, and only 15 percent of people say that they lay more stress on the money. People need friends because we need a person to share our happiness and sadness. People can share their opinions and angles of the interest with friends, like-minded individuals, and strengthen their relationship and at the meantime have fun.

Since they have same interest, they may even share the similar pattern of thinking, and to some extent, can help each other when the other is in dilemma. Take me for an example, when I was working in a company, which was first job after graduated from the university, I got along with my boss who, without doubt, earned much than I did. And I learnt a lot from her. Whenever I confronted any problem, she never posed up with a porker face like other managers did; instead she always squeezed some time and lent me a hand. She taught me how to deal with the emergency and how to make contact with others which benefit me a lot. Although I have resigned the work, we still get in touching now.

Admittedly, some people may argue that it is difficult for the rich to communicate with the poor, as it is known to all that friendship is based on mutual understandings and recognitions, they live in different environment and undoubtedly have different ideology, how can they make friends? Reasonable as it seems to be, people can not be rich overnight, they might work late or even overnight to accomplish the task when they were poor, they can understand indeed how tough it is when on the way to success. Therefore, the rich understand the poor’ situation and also can give some feasible advice.

True friendship doesn’t build on any single material foundation and it can’t be measured or determined only by money, thus I strongly believe that the poor and the rich can also develop in good friendship.

这个是我16号的作文，和今天的题目是一样的，但是我当时放上去之后没有人批= =、、、so。。。今天和我一组的批一下这篇就好啦~~~thx~

caisdhappyUID: 3248537

改得晚了，见谅

figuechenUID: 2850619

74# sodapeng


抱歉改晚了，还望多多指教~

birdorUID: 2903464

不知道为什么不能贴附件。所以就直接在帖子里改了。


The past decade has witnessed the rapid development in economics [growth of the economy], people have own[owned] much more wealth than before, however at the meanwhile, the unequal distribution of income has made a huge gap between the rich individuals and the poor one. Thus, some people may claim that the rich can not make friend with the poor,[.] they say that people with different wealth share different values; they can not even communicate, not mentioned being friends. Nonetheless, noting is more evident for me than that the same interest play a more important role in a friendship. The reasons are as follows.
1. development in economics 是"经济学的发展" economic development 也不是中国人说的"经济的发展"的意思, 详见wikipedia词条.
2. own 与 wealth 搭配非常诡异.
3. however at the meanwhile 奇怪的表达, 建议去掉at the meanwhile
4. 中间一句有点中国味, 这样会不会更好: Some people regard it as inpossible for them to make friends because of the their different value decided by wealth and of the absence of communication.
5. 不要用evident这样有挑衅意味的词.


[The first reason I would like to elaborate upon is that 非常冗余]the interest is of great importance in developing a friendship. A recent poll[,] conducted on line[,] offered a world wide report about the factors that people value most in a friendship. More than 70 percent of respondents show that [the] personality and [the] interest are the thing they care [about] most , and only 15 percent of people say that they lay more stress on [the] money. People need friends because we need a person to share our happiness and sadness. People can share their opinions and angles of the interest with friends, like-minded individuals, and strengthen their relationship and at the meantime have fun.
1. 上一段刚刚收尾于共同爱好的重要性, 这段开头又提, 显得重复.
2. 泛指名词不需要the
3. opinion and angles of the inerest 是诡异表达
4. 可以用从句结构改写最后一句People spend time with like-minded friends sharing opinions and having fun, which solidfies their bond.


Since they have same interest, they may even share the similar pattern of thinking, and to some extent, can help each other when the other is in dilemma. Take me for an example,[.] when I was working in a company [for the first job after college], which was first job after graduated from the university, I got along with my boss who, without doubt, earned much [more] than I did. And I learnt a lot from her. Whenever I confronted [any] problem[s], she never posed up with a porker face like other managers did; instead she always squeezed some time and lent me a hand. She taught me how to deal with [the] emergency and how to make contact with others[,] [from] which [I] benefit /me/ a lot. Although I have resigned the work, we still get in touching now.
1. 把without doubt换成certainly更易理解
2. posed up with a porker face, get in touching 绝对的诡异表达




Admittedly, some people may argue that it is difficult for the rich to communicate with the poor, as it is known to all that friendship is based on mutual understandings and recognitions, they live in different environment and undoubtedly have different ideology,[.] how can they make friends? Reasonable as it seems to be, people can not be rich overnight, they might work late or even overnight to accomplish the task when they were poor, they can understand indeed how tough it is when on the way to success. Therefore, the rich understand the poor’ situation and also can give some feasible advice.
1. recognition 诡异表达
2. ideology 是非常严肃的政治术语, 通常是拿来攻击政敌的.
3. 一个主干句子只有一个动词! 请控制逗号的使用.
4. 这一段与主题脱节了, 最好后面加一句, 与"交友"建立逻辑联系.


True friendship doesn’t build[改成被动] on any single material foundation and it can’t be measured or determined only by money, thus I strongly believe that the poor and the rich can also develop in good friendship.
1. Ture friendship is neither based on material, nor determined by money.



楼主加油，建议多从托福阅读中汲取养分，改掉诡异表达和语法错误。比如如何用关联词展现清晰的逻辑结构。
我说的诡异表达是指中国人理解有困难，美国人基本没法明白的表达。

eileen73UID: 3256364

The past decade has witnessed the rapid development in economics, people have owned much (自己感觉去掉much 会不会好一点？)more wealth than before, however at the （这个搭配不是很懂。）meanwhile, the unequal distribution of income has made a huge gap between the rich individuals and the poor one. Thus, some people may claim that the rich can not make friend with the poor, they say that people with different wealth share different values; they can not even communicate （with each other 会不会更好理解 ）, not mentioned being friends. Nonetheless, noting is more evident （这个、、这样用合适不？、）for me than that the same interest play a more important role in a friendship. The reasons are as follows.



H6 E" Z8 t: T" z  j
The first reason I would like to elaborate upon is that the interest is of great importance in developing a friendship. A recent poll, conducted on line, offered a world wide report about the factors that people value most in a friendship. More than 70 percent of respondents show that the personality and the interest are the things they care most, and only 15 percent of people say that they lay more stress on the money. People need friends because we need a person to share our happiness and sadness. People can share their opinions and angles of the interest with friends, like-minded individuals, and strengthen their relationships and at the meantime have fun.

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! j  A" Q; ?- \  @4 v
Since they have same interest, they may even share the similar pattern of thinking, and to some extent, it also can help each other when the other is in dilemma. Take me for an example, when I was working in a company, which was first job after graduated from the university, I got along with my boss who, without doubt, earned much than I did. And I learnt a lot from her. Whenever I confronted any problem, she never posed up with a porker face like other managers did; instead she always squeezed some time and lent (give ?)me a hand. She taught me how to deal with the emergency and how to make contact with others which benefit me a lot. Although I have resigned the work, we still get in touch now.



Admittedly, some people may argue that it is difficult for the rich to communicate with the poor, as it is known to all that friendship is based on mutual understandings and recognitions, they live in different environments and undoubtedly have different ideologies, how can they make friends? Reasonable as it seems to be, people can not be rich overnight, they might work late or even overnight to accomplish the task when they were poor, they can understand indeed how tough it is when on the way to success. (虽然懂意思，但是觉得有点长。。。)Therefore, the rich understand the poor’ situation and also can give some feasible advice.



r: Y
True friendship doesn’t build on any single material foundation and it can’t be measured or determined only by money, thus I strongly believe that the poor and the rich can also develop in good friendship.+ w# q, a3 l* B% Y4 x
第一次
第一次改作文，改的不大好，望楼主见谅啊。

sodapengUID: 3242849

2月24日 101022NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The advice from our grandparents has no use for their grandchildren because the world changed a lot during the past 50 years.

The past decades have witnessed the remarkable development in technology. People use cell-phone or e-mail, replacing the letter, to get connection with others, and people surf the internet, instead of library, to search the information they need. The world keeps changing and many people find it is difficult to move fast and catch up with the majority, especially the old. Their mind still stays in the less development era that to some extent cannot judge things in a proper way. Thus I endorse that the advice from our grandparents is of little use for their grandchildren. The reasons are as follows.

Computers enable to get everything people need in a second, which grandparents may think it is not as comprehensive as the information searched in library. With the advent of the information era, all most every medium want to spread out their news and reports in an efficient way, thus the internet board is their wisdom choice. Once information is posed on the internet, it can be spread in many parts of the world. Therefore people can get everything they desire through the computer. Furthermore, compared with the internet which offers people latest news, the information in the library will be ignored. Publishing a book or to printing a newspaper takes long period of time to be accessible to us.

Studying abroad offers people an opportunity to learn advanced technologies and knowledge, while grandparents may not agree because they think that their children are too young to live in another country alone. For instance, as the increasing number of foreign students being enrolled in American university, many schools have set international students office to offer assistance to the international students, which like a rescue station for students from other country, students can get the solution to almost all the problems they are facing. Therefore, studying abroad is not as tough as the grandparents’ words, instead even more convenient. It isn’t a wise choice to abort further studying because of people’s grandparents’ improper advice.

Admittedly, our grandparents are a valuable source for us to learn the Chinese traditional culture, like being economical. In fact, as the rapid development has taken place in economy, people earn much more than the old generation, it is well accepted to spend some money on enjoying the life, for example people, under great pressure nowadays, can take a vocation to have relax, instead of put all of money in bank. Not mention the devaluation, which makes it unadvisable to save all the money.

Taking into account all these factors, I strongly believe that grandparents’ advice is of no use to their grandchildren.

birdorUID: 2903464

感谢楼主仔细、中肯的批改。此处我回复一下楼主对我的批改的几处疑问。
1. 我用到“诡异”来描述的表达方式，通常是指英语文章中很少出现的搭配或短语。鉴定的方式是通过google.com搜索该表达方式（需要在两侧加上双引号，以示不可拆分）。如果检索结果少于50条，或者检索结果仅出现中文网页（有时常常是这样），这样的搭配和短语往往是Native Speaker眼中的Awkward Expressions。
2. evident 描述某些“不证自明”的事实，但是你用之形容你要花300字来推证的命题，未免有些挑战读者的意思。
3. 对于我修改的of, by巨多的句子，我承认改得比较蹩脚。我想表达的是，把主句突出地放在前面，后面跟上“原因”、“结果”、“转折”、“让步”等等辅助用的从句，这是样更加自然一些。
4. 第一段结束概括各论点的确常见。但是楼主文章的论点不是并行支持主论点的，而是第2段推出第3段。在第一段结束放一个逻辑起点，在第二段开始又重新放置这个起点就显得重复了。
5. without doubt 和 certainly，这只是一个建设性的建议。我不曾说前者不好，而是说后者“更易理解”，那是因为不需要逗号来分割句子。
6. recognition: the act of remembering who sb is when you see them, or of identifying what sth is. 你说“认得出”对方是友谊的基础，这不是很诡异么？和另一个并列用词understanding更本不在一个级别啊。

另外回答您关于我作文的第4段的问题。其实我想澄清需要证明一种可能存在，只用举一个特例即可。反之，要证明不存在，则要否定所有的可能性。我的第4段就是举一个特例，来证明金钱可以葬送友谊，但不总会如此。

iBT20120304UID: 3228839

楼主的英文功底不错。
语法基本没有问题，词汇量好丰富，句式多变，内容也充实。
以这个水平去考试，托福作文肯定在29+。
加油哦！

Frankie0616UID: 2763738

revised~求回改~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1336428-2-1.html

baxiacandyUID: 3203456

sorry,改晚了:)

sodapengUID: 3242849

2月28日 100306NA Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals.

People have variety of dreams when they are children, such as flying, being an astronaut or a teacher. Some of the dreams are unrealistic or even ridiculous; others may seem realistic. Nevertheless, when we grow up, we start to thinking which one should I follow. The answer varies form individual to individual. In my point of view, I prefer to follow ambitious dreams and goals rather than the realistic ones.

First and foremost, everyone has the rights and demand to pursue their dreams regardless of reality. Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, develops theory of the hierarchy of needs, a pyramid depicting the levels of human needs, psychological and physical. as the significant development has taken place in our society, we have already satisfy the first three level of the theory, thus we begin to take care of the forth level, self-esteem, which involves self-achievement. We all have demand to follow our dreams, although some of them seemingly be unrealistic.

It also should be mentioned that follow the ambitious and goals, to some extent, can help to prompt the development of the whole society. Henry Fort, an American industrialist, sponsor of development of the assembly line technique of mass production. His dream, producing an automobile that everyone can afford it, seemed to be incredible at that time, when the a car was regarded as luxury and would never be used by common people.. Instead of giving up, his insistence helped him to achieve his dream, which revolutionized transportation and American industry. His dream, so called ambitious and unrealistic at that time, was achieved by his diligence and intelligence, which was a breakthrough in the automobile industry and prompt the development of the society.

Undoubtedly, some people may claim that focusing on the realistic dream can help them to increase the confidence from certain aspects, because realistic dream can be easily achieved. However, this kind of confidence and gratification will make people satisfied their current lives, and to some extent, people may deny to make more progress. Ultimately, both personal and social development would remain stagnant.

Taking into account all these factors, we may draw the conclusion that following our ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic is beneficial.

写过的一篇文~~又修改了下~~

stancy_zhangUID: 3235143

已改哈~

sodapengUID: 3242849

2 27
As the significant development has unevenly taken place in the modern society, the developed countries like America seem to offer more opportunities than the developing countries do. Thus, to some extent, this kind of imbalanced development stimulates more youngsters to go abroad seeking for jobs. While some of them are reluctant to move to a new town or a new country, fearing about the possibility of losing their friend. However in my point of view, moving to a new town can not only urge people to make more new friends but also enjoy the exoticism.

First and foremost, as more and more communication tools have emerged and have been widely used, leaving for another town or country is not an agent of losing friends, people can use all kinds of techniques to get connection with their friends and promote the relationship. The invention of cell-phone and computer has changed the world’s connecting in fundamental ways. We no longer write letters, which often take even a month on conveying, instead, making a call and sending an e-mail make the connecting easier. Whenever and wherever we are, if we miss our friends, the only thing I have to do is opening my cell-phone and entering some numbers or my computer and click some bottoms. The distance will never alienate the true friends.

Furthermore, people will meet great variety and diversity of folks in the new country and build relationship with them. When I was seven, my parents took me to another town to meet the need of working, as crying makes no sense, I had to follow them to a place even I never heard of. When we settled down, I thought I must be lonely. However the fact was proved that I was wrong. People there were very friendly; my classmates showed me the local culture and cuisine, we shared the opinion and helped each other. They let me feel at home and enjoyable living there. From friendly local citizens, individuals can know more about the country so that it will allow people to adapt to the new circumstances readily.

admittedly, moving to a new place means that people may have less chance to meet their friends and communicate face to face. The hi-tech communication tools are so rigid that people cannot feel any warmth of the friendship. Nonetheless, spending more time with friends doesn’t means building a deeper relationship with others, in fact, there will be more likelihood to have conflicts with them, people has varied opinions and characteristics, getting in touch with friends too long may lead to more disagreement and even broke up. Long distance limited the chance to meet friends but also confined the possibility of making conflicts.

The distance will never alienate the true friends. Leaving for another country will never lead to losing of friends. Instead, we will have more frrends.

sodapengUID: 3242849

2 29 324机经作文
In the way of our life, people often encounter many kinds of difficulties and make various mistakes, just like the old saying goes: no man is perfect. Adults may treat these difficulties and mistakes as the precious experience in their life journey, but what about the children whose mental is not mature enough to confront with the difficulties and mistakes alone, thus some people claim that parents should avoid the children from making mistakes .Nonetheless, in my point of view, parents should allow their children to make mistake and let them learn from it.

Making mistakes is a way for children to recognize their deficiency which helps children narrow the gap through the improvement. Children may get a wrong answer of an academic problem because of misunderstanding of a relevant theory; they may be rude to others because of being unaware of how to respect others; Children may cheat in exams to get high marks because of lacking of integrity. Only from making mistakes, can children aware of their deficiency and correct the mistakes themselves and also, at the meantime, learn from them. Children may make out the theory deeply, be polite to everyone and work diligently to do well in the examinations, from all these mistakes they have made.

Children can also become modest and get further development by making mistakes. Imagining what will happen if a child has never made mistakes. A smooth way of growing may lead to the arrogance of a child. They may think that they won’t make any mistakes in the rest of their life, ignoring others criticism, being overconfident which may result in severe mistake that cannot be reversed, what’s worse may ruin their future. On the contrary, Children who can learn from the mistakes they have made may modestly take consideration from everyone’s criticism and advice, and get further development after realizing their deficiency.


Admittedly, there may be some potential danger when children make mistakes. It may take a second for children to get injured, an hour to forget the recover, a month to forget the pain, but take a life time to forget the scar. In fact, parents should ensure the things that children doing now are safe and decrease the likelihood for children to get injured, like put knife in the place where children cannot easily get, get kids away from the boiling water.

Taking into account all these factors we have discussed above, I strongly believe children can get further development and become mature in the process of making mistakes and learn from them
还是写过的文，自己修改了下~~