作文互改联盟！

margaret13UID: 171005

哪位高手再帮我加点话上去,字数不够,我实在想不出来写啥子了,谢谢了!
第16题

When I heard the news that a new restaurant may be built in my neighborhood, my first reaction is "that's terrific!” There are several reasons why I firmly support the plan as fellows.

One of the primary cause is that there is a middle school in my neighborhood. The school has a population of over 1,000 students. As I know, some students’ flats are far from the school. So they can't go home to have a lunch and go back to school because the time is limited. That's not the worst, the worst is the school does not have a school cafeteria. It's too bad to those students. A friend's sister, a student of the school, told me ,as some of her classmates, every morning, she brings a piece of bread and a bottle of mineral water as her lunch. Such meals lacking of nutrition must do harms to the students whose bodies need more nutrition than people in other ages. For god's sake, this situation should come to an end. Well, when the new   restaurant
built, those students can have delicious meals containing adequate nutrition.

What's more, the restaurant will give some opportunities to the people who lose their jobs in our neighborhood.

Another reason is also important for me. I favorite delicious food very much but I am not good at cooking. When the new restaurant built over, I needn't go too far to enjoy a tasteful meal.

Taking into account of all these factors, we may easily find our neighborhood will benefit a lot with the building of the new restaurant. I hope the restaurant build over quickly and have a cheap price.

xiaohaio`UID: 172028

TWE (Test on Written English) Topic:  

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as to their libraries?  

My Essay:
In the modern society named knowledge economy age, every one knows that knowledge is wealth, power and even any other thing. As far as universities concerned, the libraries are credited as the source of the knowledge and play an important role in the campus life. In fact, universities usually spend much money in books and other aspects of the library, ignoring the importance of students' activities, which is also very important for the students. The students' activities are deserved much more attention from not only the students but also the president of the university.

I can't deny the fact that the knowledge from books is useful and important to students. But if a student only get it from the library, that is not enough. Joining any club you interested in and any other campus activities can make up this shortcoming and lead to balanced development. For instance, a president of a fashion club plans to invite a specialist to give girls a lecture about some basic knowledge of beautifying. First, the president should make an appointment with a specialist
and ask somebody to give an invitation to her. Then the president may talk to the classroom manager to order an auditorium. At last, the tickets and other things prepared before the lecture should be considered. In the procedure, the president can practise his oral communication skills with people in the society, as well as organization ability, which cannot be obtained from the books in the library.

Many people have noticed a fact that many students are isolated from others in their campus lives. It has been observed that this isolation is harmful to the psychology development of the students. If students' activities can draw the attention of the students, the rating of the phenomenon will decrease. As a result, universities should pay more attention to give support to students' activities and make them more appealing. By attending various activities, students can know each other better and become open-minded. They will be eager for talking with a friend when they feel depressed, whereas they will share their happiness with friends when they succeed in doing something. So, these intercommunions will make students active and probably eliminate the isolation problems.

At the present time, the expenditure on the students' activities is much lower compared with the large amount of money in libraries. In my opinion, the suggestion that spending the same amount money in students' activities as in the libraries is a wisdom method, which will change the situation and give more chances to develop every aspect of students in campus.

loreleiUID: 156467

第一次学tofel作文，很多规矩都不太明白，请大家帮着看看吧！多谢。
1.        People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


The reason of going to college or university may be so versatile that it varies from person to person. However, I believe that the major purpose for most college or university attendees can be categorized into three parts: the desire for a better life, the thirst for knowledge and the pursuit for a childhood dream.

In most cases people choose to go to college or university for a better life. They believe that higher educations like these are able to grant them a brighter future.  By learning knowledge of particular fields and more importantly be given degrees and diplomas, they are given the chance to apply for a wider range of work, which with better pay or higher social positions promise them improvements in later life. Take John Edward as an example. This Democrat’s vice president candidate’s life track impressively demonstrates how one can started off with so little, simply from an ordinary working class family, to the achievement of so big, among the top ranked politicians in the States, through the help of education.

Moreover, the thirst for knowledge is also a common reason that drives people to enter college or university. As the aspiration for exploring the unknown long lies deep in the human nature, this hankering promotes people to pursuit for higher level of educations. By looking back into history, we see famous figures such as Isaac Newton, Madam Currie, T. S. Eliot who all gradually uncovered the beauty of their own disciplines through college or university educations. For these individuals the meaning of university or college education do not lied in the role of a key to a better life but in the power of knowledge bestowed on them.  
  
Apart from the foregoing reasons, the power of childhood dreams that propel people to go to university or college should also not be overlooked. Since we were little kids, we were told to look up people who graduate from places such as Harvard, Yale, and Cambridge. We admired them as role models and hoped that one day we will be just like them. Like a boy who wishes to follow his father’s track, some people attend university or college for the realization of this childhood dream.

As a philosopher once said, there are no two identical leaves in this world; I believed that the same is also true for people’s different reasons of going to university and college. However, no matter what the purpose of each person is, whether it is the desire for a better life, thirst for knowledge or the realization for childhood dream, the essence is the same, the yearn for a change in life.

loreleiUID: 156467

32楼的
TWE (Test on Written English) Topic:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as to their libraries?

My Essay:
In the modern society （named knowledge economy age）典型的中文照搬的，建议删, every one knows that knowledge is wealth, power and （even any other thing）同上. As far as universities concerned, the libraries are credited as the source of（the）去掉 knowledge and play an important role in the campus life. In fact, universities usually spend much money in books and other aspects of the library, ignoring the importance of students' activities, which is also very important for the students. （The）去掉 students' activities （are deserved）deserve much more attention from not only the students but also the president of the university.

I can't deny the fact that （the）删 knowledge from books is useful and important to students. But if a student only get it from the library, that is not enough. （BY Joining any club you interested in and any other campus activities） By joining clubs or participating in any campus activities that interested you can 加(help to) make up this shortcoming and lead to balanced development. For instance, a president of a fashion club plans to invite a specialist to give girls a lecture about some basic knowledge of( beautifying)hairdressing and makeup wearing. First, the president should make an appointment with a specialist and ask somebody to give an invitation to her. Then the president may talk to the classroom manager to order an auditorium. At last, the tickets and other things prepared before the lecture should be considered. In ( the procedure)this process, the president can practise his oral communication skills with people in the society, as well as organization ability, which cannot be obtained from the books in the library.

Many people have noticed a fact that many students are isolated from others in their campus lives. It has been observed that this isolation is harmful to the psychology development of the students. If students' activities can draw the attention of the students, the rating of the phenomenon will decrease. As a result, universities should pay more attention to give support to students' activities and make them more appealing. By attending various activities, students can know each other better and become open-minded. They will be eager (for talking with)to talk with a friend when they feel depressed, whereas they will share their happiness with friends when they succeed in doing something. So, these intercommunions will make students active and probably eliminate the isolation problems.

At the present time, the expenditure on the students' activities is much lower compared with the large amount of money in libraries. In my opinion, the suggestion that spending the same amount money in students' activities as in the libraries is a （wisdom method）wise choice, which will change the situation and give more chances to develop every aspect of students in campus.

loreleiUID: 156467

xiaohaio`
不好意思，时间有限，偶只大概的改了一下。
应该注意有些基本搭配，避免很中国式的表达，偶个人水平有限，可能有些改错的地方了。

xiaohaio`UID: 172028

To lorelei：
   谢谢！
   我会认真揣摩的！
   呵呵！

vivi_DCUID: 171695

32楼的：
    觉得你好像有点跑题了
    topic是：sport activity而不是activity
        SO是不是再看一下题目



33楼：
    你是第一次写TWE吗？觉得你写得真得不错，比我好。介绍一下经验吧

genie05UID: 30358

各位继续坚持哦~

sineadUID: 159123

最初由 steel_liu 发布
[B]作文 8
After television was invented last century ,it has played an important role in daily life. Television has come to become one of the  most influential me..

以下省略...... [/B]

怎么说？觉得不地道的说。。。我觉得主题句要写鲜明，不需要弄那么长的复杂句，又说的不清楚吧。。
举个例子Firstly ,television ,as a main tool for entertainment can be shared by the whole family and friends, which can promote the relationship and communication of them
这句话就看的人很不爽了，呵呵，给人以特意造句的感觉。。。
另外结尾太仓促，一句Although in some case , the family and friend would have different interest about the TV program ,which would make them unhappy and affect their normal communication
给人感觉一头雾水。。

steel_liuUID: 161612

TWE21  
In general ,people are living longer now .  From the statistic , the average age for the people in the world is about 45 years old whereas  the average age at present  is about 75 years old .It is even believed that our society has come to enter  “an old age society”  because there are more and more old people in our society . From the point of my view , there are some reasons as following can account for this phenomenon.

First of all , the life condition has been improved greatly .Compared with the life condition 50 year ago,  food supply which is more nutritious and more scientific    is provided. In the past .people could not  choose food since the food supply was not enough .But now ,people usually choose food which is good to their health since the food supply is abundant.

In addition , the health condition has been enhanced very much .Many heavy diseases ,such as some kind of cancer which in the past   cause people to die , can be cured completely.  Now in some region the ,the old people are often checked up by the doctor. If  some illness is found in them , it can be treated in time .  While in the  past , it lacked the physicians as well as medicine.

Last but not the least , the society has been steady for the recent fifty years .After Word War Two , there is not an international war in the world .As  a matter of fact ,a big scale war can lead to many people ‘s death and narrow the average age of the people sharply.  For  example , during the World  War Two, there are millions of people who died for the war.

It is true that  there are other reasons which contribute to this phenomenon .for instance  modern people become knowledgeable at health , pay more attention to exercise and so on .These reasons can explain why this phenomenon can happen to some degree.

mingiUID: 152314

TWE21
In general ,people are living longer now . From the statistic , the average age for the people in the (ancient??) world is about 45 years old whereas the average age at present is (approximately 75　免得重复) about 75 years old .It is even believed that our society has come to enter(这样表达是什么意思，我不太清楚) “an old age society” because there are more and more old people in our society . From the point of my view (my point of view) , there are some reasons as following can account for this phenomenon.

First of all , the life condition has been improved greatly .Compared with the life condition 50 year ago, food supply which is more nutritious and more scientific is provided(直接用形容词修饰不是更省事？为什么用定语从句). In the past .people could not choose food since the food supply was not enough .But now ,people usually choose food which is good to their health since the food supply is abundant.(facing a vast variety of choices, people are able to prepare their meal not only to quench desire of hunger but also for health considering.避免语句的重复)

In addition , the health condition (medical technique) has been enhanced very much .Many heavy diseases ,such as some kind of cancer which in the past cause people to die , can be cured completely. Now in some region (the ,the) old people are often checked up (regularly) by the doctor. If (any) some illness is found in them , it can be treated (and ) in time . While in the past , (there was no sufficient physicians and medicine to insure people's health condition.) it lacked the physicians as well as medicine.

Last but not the least , the society has been steady for the recent fifty years .After Word War Two , there is not an international war in the world .As a matter of fact ,a big scale war can lead to many people ‘s death and narrow the average age of the people sharply. For example , during the World War Two, there are millions of people (who) died for the war. (Millions of people, women, children, especially many young man, were killed.)

It is true that there are other reasons which contribute to this phenomenon .for instance modern people become knowledgeable at health , pay more attention to exercise and so on .These reasons can explain why this phenomenon can happen to some degree.

yadcxUID: 93144

lorelei的文章写得不错，我都忍不住要表扬你几句了：）但是有一点提醒你注意，就是在论证的过程中要注意论证点之间的逻辑关系，这样能让你的文章结构更紧凑。还有，句子的使用可以再灵活一点，并适当增加句子的难度（并不一定是长度，而是用一些起点睛作用的词汇或者句型）。另外有的表达可以更简练一些。

cnjskskUID: 155252

我这几天写作文都是要写一个小时才写完,每次写之前也知道要控制好时间,可是就是写的时候不知道到底怎么写,特别是写理由的时候,想好了理由,但是想论证时,觉得好困难.
请问大家是怎么做到30分钟内写完的,既要使论证充分,又要速度快.
我现在真的是郁闷极了,真担心在考场上写不完作文,大家有什么好的建议吗?
谢谢啦!!!

luzhangcanadianUID: 171580

我也同意他的观点，论证要充分，能充分说明你的观点才能的高分。建议用于说明的例子和例子之间，理由和理由之间，例子和理由之间要有一定的逻辑性，并列关系不容易出错但太平淡，建议段与段，例子与例子理由于理由之间用递进或转折等更复杂的关系连接，也许就会使文章看起来更有深度，也有话写。但考试时间永远是问题，建议在时间不够的情况下牺牲一个论证段。

genie05UID: 30358

最初由 yadcx 发布
[B]lorelei的文章写得不错，我都忍不住要表扬你几句了：）但是有一点提醒你注意，就是在论证的过程中要注意论证点之间的逻辑关系，这样能让你的文章结构更紧凑。还有，句子的?.

以下省略...... [/B]

恩哪~~他写的是不错~~改得忘贴上来了/汗~~ :mad: