gwang3-Writing practice

gwang3UID: 3636596

7月18日开始参加2015年AW同主题练习

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：gwang3的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

英语国家本科在读

下次GRE考试时间：2016年2月

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gwang3UID: 3636596

目录
3楼  7.20  issue 91 （全文）
5楼  7.21  Argument 165（全文）-已批改
7楼  7.20  issue 91-修改 （全文） -已批改
11楼 7.28 issue 100 （全文）
12楼 7.28 argument 100 (全文）
13楼 argument 135

gwang3UID: 3636596

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


    The development of technology changed our lives through how we learn, how we communicate, how we buy things and many other aspects of everyday activities. It is important to set up a goal to guide further improvement of technology would make our lives change in which direction so that  we will have a clear map for what kind of products should be produced and how to allocate resources to make them. However, the needs of human being are diversity, one single goal would not satisfy all demands.


这道题有两个关键词 一个是 efficiency 一个是leisure
你的开头段没有回应这两个概念 也没有按照1+3的模型来写主旨句
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1822791-1-1.html  
建议你看看我的文章再重写  



    For instance, when we learn, we can search information much easier and efficiency from internet than looking for books in a library with thousands of books. Moreover, since more online courses are available, people have more chances to access to high quality education all over the world and they can learn at their lunch break or after work to fulfil their life. In this case, the primary goal of technological advancement is to make people wiser and living in a meaningful life. People who watch online courses may sacrifice their leisure time.

    Furthermore, technological advancements have increased productivity in workplace. Before video conference came out, businessmen spent countless hours on trips to attend meetings around world. Nowadays, they can save their time by just sitting in their own office for meeting by video conference.  They work more efficient but it does not necessarily mean they have more time for rest and leisure. In the old days, because of the difficulty to arrange and the cost for meetings, managers in multinational firms might had fewer meetings than they have now, they even have to stay in the office for meetings in the midnight when is daytime for colleagues from other hemisphere. Businessmen also use blackberry to check and reply emails almost everywhere and every minute, they no longer need to sit in front of the office computers for emails. For some workaholics, they are very happy with life full of work.


    Some people may argue that not every people are workaholic and keen to learn. For most people, leisure time is important, they work just for money to travel or to spend time with their families. For them, technological advancement can shorten their working and studying time, therefore, they could have more leisure time. Morden technology should not make people’s life more stress and miserable. It is true that we cannot ignore people’s demands for relaxing and easier life style. However, the goal of technological advancement should be varied to meet different demands.
    To conclude, we are living in a multiple value world, people have different value and expectation for their life.  The ultimate goal of technological advancement should be to help people live happily and satisfied according to their own definition of happiness.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gwang3 发表于 2015-7-19 04:52
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they ...

欢迎加入
你是一战么
请先学习1+3模型及我的范文再重写本文

gwang3UID: 3636596

165) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands were extinct. Previous archaeological findings have suggested that early humans generally relied on both fishing and hunting for food; since archaeologists have discovered numerous sites in the Kaliko Islands where the bones of fish were discarded, it is likely that the humans also hunted the mammals. Furthermore, researchers have uncovered simple tools, such as stone knives, that could be used for hunting. The only clear explanation is that humans caused the extinction of the various mammal species through excessive hunting.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

    The author suggested that the extinction of the large mammal species in the Kaliko Islands are due to human factors. The conclusion is draw under the assumptions that ancient people hunted and fished to feed themselves and simple tools that might be used for hunting are found in Kaliko Island. Whether the argument stands, it is depends on the validity of these assumptions which the author listed.

human factors- human activities
draw- 动词形式
it is depends on句子结构

你是写165么
请你仔细看下题目的要求 不是写assumption



    Firstly, the author hypothesized that humans killed fish and mammals for food based on the discovery of discarded fish bones in the Kaliko Islands. However, there is no direct correlation between fishing and hunting mammals. For example, if someone likes to eat fish it does not necessarily mean he/she also likes other meat (eg. Beef)  unless there are evidences to show he/she likes beef as well. Therefore, before the evidence of hunting large mammals is founded, we cannot conclude that humans hunting mammals for food in Kaliko Island. Moreover, the author supposed that humans were responsible for the discarded fish bones. There are also alternative explanations for discarded fish bones. For instance, fish might die of disease or due to climate change factors. Therefore, more evidences are needed to account the discarded fish bones.


    The second assumption is that humans used instruments for hunting as stone knives are founded in Kaliko Islands. The author concluded that the only reason for the extinction of the mammals are large scale hunting by humans using tools. Yet, there is no evidence to show the causal relationship between using tools and excessive hunting. Tools such as stone knives could be also used for building shelters or planting vegetables. Moreover, the efficiency of using simple tools to kill large mammals are doubtful. For instance, carnivores are aggressive and moving very fast so it is not easy to use rudimentary instrument to terminate their lives especially to the level of extinction.


    Finally, the author did not specify which species of large mammal are vanished in Kaliko Islands. It is better to separate each specie to investigate what is the cause for extinction. The reasons could be varied depends on the features of the species. For instance, herbivores might be eaten by carnivores.
    In summary, there are no direct evidence to confirm either discarded fish bones are linked with humans hunting large mammals or humans used tools to kill animals. It is also failed to consider the differences across each species of mammals to draw the conclusion for their extinction. Therefore, more evidences are needed to exam whether humans are blamed for the extinction of the various mammals in Kaliko Islands.

gwang3UID: 3636596

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-19 08:40
欢迎加入
你是一战么
请先学习1+3模型及我的范文再重写本文

Yup, 我还没有考过GRE

gwang3UID: 3636596

The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



    The development of technology has changed our lives -- in how we learn, how we communicate, how we buy things -- in almost every aspect of everyday activity.  I agree that it is important to set up goals to guide further imporvements in technology that would continue to increase people’s efficiency, 断句 the goals can help us to have a clear map for what kind of products-hardware and software that should be produced and how to allocate resources to make them. However, the needs of human beings are diverse and not every people is demanded for more leisure time .
not every people is demanded for more leisure time 严重语法问题  意思模糊
你还是没有按照1+3模型来写 也没有按照题目要求的来写  
开头段一个however就可以看出你没有一个能够自圆其说的观点   


题目要求In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  
你需要明确指出在什么情况下同意或不同意观点



    For instance, when we study, we can search for information much more easily and efficiently from the Internet than by combing a card catalogue and through a library with thousands of books. Since online courses are available, people have more chances to access high quality education all over the world … they are able to study and learn during their lunch breaks or after work to fulfill their lives. People who watch online courses are willing to sacrifice their leisure time.

中间段一开始应该先写主题句 概括全段的中心 然后再举例  

   Technological advancements have increased productivity in the workplace. Before video conferences were accepted and widely used, businessmen spent countless hours travelling to attend meetings around world. Nowadays, they can save their time by just sitting in their own office for meetings via video conferencing. They work more efficiently but this does not necessarily mean they have more time for rest and leisure. In the ‘old days’, because of the difficulty of arranging meetings and the cost for meetings, managers in multinational firms might have had fewer meetings than they do now, but they often, if not always, have to stay in the office for longer hours for meetings in middle of the night when it is daytime for colleagues in the other hemisphere.



At home, or in travel or in meetings, businessmen also must use smart phones or Blackberry devices constantly to check and reply to emails. They are free from office computers but able to function as workaholics, 24/7.  

    Some people may argue that not everyone is a workaholicor  keen  to learn. For most people, leisure time is important and they would say that they are working to provide money to travel or to spending time with their families they support. For them, technological advancement can shorten their working and studying time, therefore, they could end up with more leisure time.They believe modern technology should be managed so as not to make people’s life more stressful and miserable. We cannot ignore people’s demands and needs for a relaxing and easier life style. However, the goal of technological advancement should be varied to meet different demands.

To conclude, we are living in a multiple value world, people have different values and expectations for their lives. The ultimate goal of technological advancement should be to help people live happily and satisfied according to their own definition of happiness!

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

gwang3 发表于 2015-7-21 10:21
165) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the  ...

我来点评一下你的作文哈~互相学习~

首段：
The conclusion is draw under the assumptions that ancient people hunted and fished to feed themselves and simple tools that might be used for hunting are found in Kaliko Island.可以加上谓语来回应题目中的mammals.
The conclusion is draw under the assumptions that ancient people hunted for mammals and fished to feed themselves and simple tools that might be used for hunting for mammals are found in Kaliko Isla


第二段
For example, if someone likes to eat fish it does not necessarily mean he/she also likes other meat (eg. Beef)  unless there are evidences to show he/she likes beef as well.
这里的举例是不是直接用“人们逮鱼并代表他们会猎杀mammals”要好一些，不用那个beef举例，直接回应题目。

其他的感觉还不错，就是第四段感觉好短啊，再稍微长一点可能就看起来美观了~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

gwang3 发表于 2015-7-19 04:51
目录
3楼  7.20  issue 91 （全文）
5楼  7.21  Argument 165（全文）

请注明批改状态（已批改、未批改）

gwang3UID: 3636596

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-7-22 09:14
我来点评一下你的作文哈~互相学习~

首段：

:handshake Thanks for your comments

gwang3UID: 3636596

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

I disagree with the policy of study abroad for University/college students. Studying in a foreign country can be a recommendation but not a mandatory requirement. Students study certain subjects such as their national language/ music/literature which require domestic study. In addition, some students may not be able to afford the expense of studying overseas or they may find it difficult to adapt to life in a foreign country.
Firstly, the requirement of studying overseas is not suitable for students who are majoring in their National language, music or literature as these subjects have highly national characteristics. Lecturers and professors working in these fields in their own country are embedded in the rich culture where the subjects are cultivated. For instance, students who study Chinese music history would find the music department in foreign country only offers Western music history or their own country’s music history. Furthermore, there would be insufficient materials of Chinese music history, language or literature in oversea’s university libraries. Therefore, students from those subjects would not benefit at all from studying abroad.
Secondly, studying overseas is more expensive than studying in one’s own country. Universities often charge higher tuition fees for international students. Students also need to pay for travelling costs and higher living costs than if they lived at home and studied in their home country. Those extra costs make a big burden on students’ parents. Moreover, students would face the challenge of adapting to a new environment and learning in a second language.  Living in foreign country could be very difficult for some students, especially for those who have only lived at home with their families. The student abroad may well have to rent flat and cook for themselves. More importantly, there is little time for students to adapt to and to use their second language to study. Their study might be affected by these difficulties of living situations and language problems.
It is true that, for some subjects, studying abroad is a precious experience for students. For instance, it would be a great help for students who study foreign languages. Not only are they exposed to the language environment but also helped in understanding the culture which is so essential in language study. Universities should consider every student’s situation separately as to whether the requirement of studying in a foreign country suits their course of study and financial circumstances.
To conclude, the requirement of studying overseas at least one semester for colleges and universities students is not suitable for every student. It would add little value to students who are majoring in certain fields but cause big financial burden and challenges from living in a new environment. Therefore, Universities and colleges could recommend students to study abroad but this policy should not be mandatory.  

gwang3UID: 3636596

100) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

    While it may be true that Jazz music is popular in the city of Monroe, the author does not give a solid argument to convince the administrator to approve their loan application for running a Jazz music club. The problem with the argument is the assumption that residents in Monroe like Jazz music, therefore, they will spend money in Jazz Club. The assumption is not necessarily true based on the author’s argument.


the assumption that residents in Monroe like Jazz music, therefore, they will spend money in Jazz Club 句子结构
主旨句只提出一个假设 整篇不可能只有一个假设有问题  



    First of all, the author assumed that Jazz music is popular in Monroe because last summer more than 100,000 people went to Monroe's Jazz music festival. However, whether the 100,000 people are all residents of Monroe is not clear. People may come from other nearby cities to attend the music festival.   


    Secondly, the author believed that residents in Monroe would like to go to Jazz Club and spend money in the Club. This assumption is based on two evidences. One is that the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ ranked the first place in Monroe and second one is that statistics showed Jazz lover spends nearly $1,000 a year on Jazz entertainment. People listen to music from the radio does not necessarily want to go to the Club. They might prefer listen to music from the radio because they can listen at home or on the way to work which are more convenience and cheap than go to the club. Moreover, the spending of 10,000 on Jazz entertainment could be buying CDs, instruments and paying for concert. What is the proportion of spending money in the club is not provided.

nationwide这个关键词没有处理
the spending of 10,000 on Jazz entertainment could be buying CDs, instruments and paying for concert. 句子结构
这一段可以分成两段  


    Lastly, the author pointed out that there is no jazz club in town. He assumed that the jazz club in Monroe will be profitable because of the shortage of clubs. Whether this assumption stands needs more evidence. For instance, is the nearest Jazz club making money? Are the customers of the nearest Jazz club from Monroe? If the answers are no, the assumption that the Jazz club in Monroe will be successful is not necessarily to be valid.


the assumption that the Jazz club in Monroe will be successful 不能把所有的东西都当成假设  
assumption successful 搭配  



In summary, the author's argument does not prove the assumptions neither Jazz music is extremely popular in Monroe  nor the jazz club in Monroe will be profitable. More evidence is needed to evaluate the assumptions. Therefore, the author did not make a strong enough argument to persuade the administrator to approve the loan application.

the assumptions neither Jazz music is extremely popular in Monroe  nor the jazz club in Monroe will be profitable句子结构

gwang3UID: 3636596

135) The data from a survey of high school math and science teachers show that in the district of Sanlee many of these teachers reported assigning daily homework, whereas in the district of Marlee, most science and math teachers reported assigning homework no more than two or three days per week. Despite receiving less frequent homework assignments, Marlee students earn better grades overall and are less likely to be required to repeat a year of school than are students in Sanlee. These results call into question the usefulness of frequent homework assignments. Most likely the Marlee students have more time to concentrate on individual assignments than do the Sanlee students who have homework every day. Therefore teachers in our high schools should assign homework no more than twice a week.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


The author suggests that teachers should not give homework everyday based on the correlation between the frequency of homework and academic performance in the district of Sanlee and Melee. The author refers to the better school results in Marlee where teachers assign less frequent homework as the evidence to support the recommendation. More evidences are needed to examine the argument.

evidence 不可数


Firstly, the total amount of homework for Marlee and Sanlee students are crucial. Marlee students received less frequent homework does not necessarily mean the total amount of homework is also less. For instance, Marlee students may spent 3 hours each day for 2 days a week but Sanlee students may only spent 1 hour everyday for 5 days a week. Although Sanlee students did homework everyday, they did less work in total. Therefore, the better grade Marlee students get could be contributed to more and intense homework each day. Furthermore, the difficult level of homework is also important for helping student to have good results at school. If the homework for Sanlee students is too easy, knowledge they learned from class cannot be reinforced through homework.  

Marlee students received less frequent homework does not necessarily mean the total amount of homework is also less句子结构 amount-less搭配  
may spent动词用法
they did less work in total.注意hedging
could be contributed to-选词 attributed to  
more and intense homework each day和原题意思不相符


Secondly, there are other factors to influence students performance. For instance, class hours at school, the quality of the teaching and the class size. To exam whether the frequency of homework correlated to students’ academic performance, other factors must to be equal. A well controlled experiment is needed to conclude the role of homework frequency in student performance. In the experiment, the only difference between different group of students is how often they receive homework a week. If other conditions are equal, students who receive homework less frequent get better grade than students receive homework more frequent , the argument that the frequency of homework and grade is negatively correlated can be confirmed.

Finally, the grade standard in different district may be varied. The author did not explain the grade system where schools in Marlee and Sanlee use. If schools in Sanlee use more strict grade standard, students may have worse results regardless how often they receive homework. The author needs to provide more detailed evidence of grade criteria in order to evaluate whether his/her argument holds.

In summary,to decide how often teachers should assign homework to help students to study better at school, a careful experiment is needed to make sure besides the frequency of homework there are no other confounding variables to affect the results.