1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Issue）

tracyrongyiUID: 2842378

issue50 有关于 起&合 issue5,5

TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach." 红色部分是给我自己看的 单词拼写有问题的 Education circle has taken various means to improve the quality of instruction, but is that useful? Concerning faculties' spending time outside the academic circle, it can enhance teaching performance in some degree. However, when intending to cover all the fields, precedence should be given to the voice of teachers and students, who constitute the main ontology in education. First, there is no denying that practice outside the campus, a great complement to academic study, is beneficial for both faculties and students. A proverbial phenomenon nowadays is that some faculties emphasize too much on theoretic research, which is totally dislocated with society. And students are crowned with genius in theory, idiot in practice. By working and learning from outside, they can enrich their mind with cutting-edge technology, and consequently, get acquaintance with social needs and changes in their fields. Therefore, they can flexibly change syllabus and teaching methods according to the first-hand experience. However, not every faculty should and can afford to spend time in non-academic field. It should clarify its target when putting into practice. On the one hand, not all subjects closely link to applications widely used or recognized. For instance, subjects like quantum mechanics, spacial physics where seldom people are conversant with and have virtuosity in, where do teachers in these fields to practice outside the lab and find a "boss". On the other hand, if one luckily come across such a job, say, the commercial use of quantum mechanics, is it worth to spend a large amount of time of professors examining the comings and goings of a business, and learning every terminology and equation from scratch. May be this time a breathtaking theory has been verified if he or she lucubrate in the lab. Further, the quality of instruction cannot avoid being affected when all faculties devoted in non-academic field. Dabbling into a different circle, although in the related fields, is not a piece of cake for everyone, including teachers. A good teacher at school may not be a good work in the factory. They have to adapt to a new environment, learning practical skills from start and communication with new colleges, all are time-consuming. What’s more, everyone's energy and buoyancy are limited, if too much attention fixed on working outside, consequently, time for teaching, interaction with students will diminish. Insufficient concentration on students cannot guarantee education quality. Working outside can pose big challenge to faculties and schools, too. As we cannot preclude a fact that some excellent faculties may be poached by headhunters, since most people are crème de la crème concerning their firm grounding in academic knowledge and years of teaching experience. And it is probable for people to choose another boss because of attractive salary, especially for those consider teaching just as a profession not as a lifelong cause. And this talent drainage is detrimental to both students and schools. Squaring up advantages and disadvantages mentioned above, schools need to institutionalize some provisions to maximize boons and minimize bales. First, it's advisable for school leaders to conduct an inquiry across the campus, finding out the specific number of students and teachers, who have such a demand to connect to practical world. Remember, students are fundamental in education whose benefits should prioritize. Second, giving faculties one semester in an academic year who has real needs to experience the profession related, but they should sign a contract in advance, stating they would come back to school when time is due. Third, if conditions permitted, it is conducive for universities cooperating with some local companies to establish regular training and internship. That's really one stone killing three birds which caters for the needs of faculties and solve school's misgivings about talent drainage. And what's more, students are easily to find internship and job after graduation. Although devoting time in the practical field may facilitate teaching, it has limitations and is doubtful when applied to all fields. And instructing qualities cannot be improved only by gaining experience outside, instead, it is determined by teacher’s major, capacity and commitment to education course, and the center of gravity——students. 心得：三段搞出来了 起&合 不知道怎么写 不想用模板，但是又不知道该如何开头。结尾的合难道只是重复，提出新的意见又不可能花大量的时间论证，那该怎么办。 整篇文章觉得很多词都在重复。考虑到 consider 只想到这个 还有 在外面工作该怎么表达，因为他不仅仅限于工作，总不能说in the non-academic field ，老说也很腻。 还有红宝书里那个埋头苦干怎么说我怎么想不起来了] Faculty 定义是什么 可以和teacher professor 换着用吗 总不能通篇都是faculty 啊 我知道自己没有例子 今天看issue5,5 说不一定要引经据典也不一定要有例子 把要表达的表达清楚就好了 我感觉自己表达得比较清楚 只是还是觉得有例子支撑比较好 没想到该把例子放在哪 以及找些什么样的例子 始终觉得为了放例子而写列子不是件舒服的事

225# anniehal

zhengbo0922UID: 2874343

Issue 88 "Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics ."
科学技术不但影响而且决定了社会风俗和道德规范。
正文提纲：
v 技术可以影响社会传统。比如工业革命机、先进的交通工具。
v 技术无法决定传统习俗。比如春节回家过年。
v 技术却不能决定社会传统和道德，我们自己决定。道德规范是我们的祖宗经过漫长的时间确立下来的不可能随便就被改变。技术必须受人们道德规范的约束。如果这些不被道德规范约束的话，那么带来很大的灾难。例如，核武器。

The speaker's claims that technologies influence social social customs and ethics, which also actually determine social customs and ethics. With rapid development of technology , more and more people are beginning to pay attention to this claim. Some people claim so just like the speaker, because advance of technology can provide people's life with more convenient and comfortable . However , other people are poles apart , because technologies do not actually determine social customs and ethics but can influence ones . In my point of view , I strongly agree with the latter one . After all, some social customs and ethics can never be changed by the advancement of technology , as discussed below .
In the first place , I have to admit the fact that technologies actually influence social customs and ethics in a number of respects . Take the transportation and mess media for example , the mass public traffic of the morden world including unnumbered automobile and millions of planes makes the transportation all over the world more efficient so the tourists today can increase their experience from the journey easily and comfortably . Another good example is the mess media which makes the big world like a small village . Because of the mess media ,such as Internet and television, people can become familiar with great many places which may be thousands of kilometers away and communicate with other people , who share the same interest , more conveniently . Take another example for instance , before the 20th century , the notion that women should stay at home, nurturing children and caring for elders was so taken as an assumption that there was significant resistance to any tentative attempts to change it . However , technology made a change in this thinking possible . This unreasonable conviction was completely changed after the Industrial Revolution . These examples which I discussed above are justified by the impact of technology .
However , it is impossible for technology to actually determine social conventional customs . Culture play more vital role than technology in determining social customs . For supporting example , spring festival is one of the most famous festival in china and even in the whole world , especially when it comes to chinese ,when spring festival coming , wherever you are , no matter how busy you are , people are trying their best to go their home in order to share the happiness of new year . In a word , the culture has no relationship with technology .
Nevertheless , technologies can not determine social custom and ethics , it should be decided by human . We should not arbitrary change customs and ethics , because customs and ethics are decided by our ancestors in a long time . Thus , technology need to be controlled by customs and ethics . If these technologies are not restricted by customs and ethics , technology can also bring unpredictable disaster . Take nuclear power weapon for example, just at the beginning when nuclear energy was found ,nobody could predict that it would become a fierce killer . However , only 20 years later , approximately 161.000 Japanese lost their lives under the attack of a newly invented weapon . Furthermore , about 450.000 Japanese died of the radiation of nuclear . Whereas , as a result of abusing nuclear energy after the 2nd world war , an agreement was signed among America , Russia, China ,UK , France , India and some other countries who own nuclear energy technology , to restrict the invention and diffusion of nuclear weapon .
To sum up , technologies merely influence social customs and ethics , which determined by people . We should adopt a set of restriction on technologies in case to provide a chance with destroying society and even human-being .

雨馨UID: 2765070

嗯，那么是226

那个……我可能要打击你一下了……不过这些的确是我看你文章的感受

首先，从心得和用词上，是看得出你颇下一番功夫的。但是，这些过于花俏的词却用得不够得当，颇有过犹不及的感觉。从你通篇的用词和行文来看，我会觉得你是英语写作本来不是十分扎实，却以为一定要砸大词才好，所以去钻研成了现在这样。这些大词和你的say，remember这样口语化的词凑合在一起，真的很不协调。它们都是高分作文里出现的词，但是很难混搭来用。语法也是同理的，你句子绕得程度真的已经到了我要把从句拆掉先看句子结构的程度——并且拆完了要么就是不对，要么是对，但是很别扭。如果你有时间，我建议你先把从句的语法和虚拟语态再过一遍，如果你快要考试了，那么我会劝你干脆不要用。
至于去有意消除重复，去找红宝书的词，更是不必。看看范文里，难道没有重复？

其次，关于文章结构的问题，我先归纳一下你的段落大意吧：
1、总起：教授出去工作是有益教学的，但主动权应该掌握在师生手上
2、教授出去工作是有益教学的
3、但是，不是所有学科的教授都适合出去工作
4、另外，教授出去工作会影响个人精力
5、而且，教授工作后可能跳槽，造成人才流失
6、综合而言，学校应该如何做
7、工作经验不是影响教学质量的主要指标
这样看着是可以的，但你觉不觉得呼应不足？我觉得你后来就忘了你一开始的“主动权应该掌握在师生手上”，转而变成“如何防止跳槽”，所以整体结构就值得商榷
另外这个归纳的是我认为的你的本意，不是说你的文章有效地表达出来的观点，因为你的局部论证也不够有说服力
但是这个整体结构问题和局部结构问题是二而一的，就是老美写文章的思路：只有一个论点。
我觉得我们中国人写文章想得比较多，我们会在一篇文章里发展出很多观点，并且层层深入，最后升华，但是，再说一遍，尤其是Issue里，我们只要一个论点。
分论点必须为总论点服务，小论据必须为分论点服务。（这是我觉得在备战二战AW里才领悟到的至理）
这样你看看你的文章，教授跳槽和主动权应该掌握在师生手上的关系是什么？——没有关系，这就不对。
老美的逻辑就是，教授出去工作是有益教学的，但主动权应该掌握在师生手上，因为一、二、三点理由。第一理由是成立的，因为1、2、3论据……
这样全文只有一个论点，你会发现你的文章呼应，起承转合都容易很多。至于要不要放例子，放什么例子，也更容易决定。

TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."
红色部分是给我自己看的 单词拼写有问题的

Education circle [这个简称如果不放在题目里的话，简直就肯定不知道是教授要去找工作，可以google一下，要么是教育基金，要么是教育体系] has taken various means to improve the quality of instruction, but is that useful? Concerning faculties' spending [spending没有必要] time outside the academic circle[s 这个必须加s], it can enhance teaching performance in some degree. However, when intending to cover all the fields, precedence should be given to the voice of teachers and students, who constitute the main ontology [本体论？这个好像不能这样用的吧] in education.

First, there is no denying that practice outside the campus, a great complement to academic study, is beneficial for both faculties and students. A proverbial phenomenon nowadays is that some faculties emphasize too much on theoretic research, which is totally dislocated with society. And students are crowned with [the saying] “genius in theory, idiot in practice”. By working and learning from outside, they can enrich their mind with cutting-edge [cutting edge] technology [这个论据不太有说服力，最前沿的技术还是在研究领域], and consequently, get acquaintance with social needs and changes in their fields [本领域的动态也主要在学术领域]. Therefore, they can flexibly change syllabus and teaching methods according to the first-hand experience. [这个结论和上述论据的逻辑关系不明显]

However, not every faculty should and can afford to spend time in non-academic field. It [这里指代了什么，没有交代清楚] should clarify its target when putting into practice. On the one hand, not all subjects closely link to applications [这个用的比较奇怪，apps只是在软件领域这么叫的比较多，还不如直接是products表意更明确] widely used or recognized. For instance, subjects like quantum mechanics, special [special] physics where seldom [seldom 表示次数少而不是数量少，还是用few吧] people are conversant with and have virtuosity in, where do teachers in these fields to practice outside the lab and find a "boss". [这个句子的结构是什么？怎么连着两个where呢……你后半句是想反问吧？不要把自己绕晕掉啊] On the other hand, if one luckily come across such a job, say, the commercial use of quantum mechanics, is it worth to spend a large amount of time of professors examining the comings and goings of a business, and learning every terminology and equation from scratch. [这句equally绕，而且equally想反问没有反问出来？] May be [during] this time a breathtaking theory has been [虚拟语气 would have been] verified if he or she lucubrate[d] in the lab.

Further, the quality of instruction cannot avoid being affected [would also be affected不就可以了……何必用那么绕又感觉不地道的表达] when all faculties [are] devoted in non-academic field. Dabbling into a different circle [怎么才说了一个主题句就立马笔锋一转？], although in the related fields, is not a piece of cake for everyone, including teachers. A good teacher at school may not be a good work in the factory. They have to adapt to a new environment, learning practical skills from start and communication with new colleges, all are time-consuming. What’s more, everyone's energy and buoyancy are limited, if too much attention fixed on working outside, consequently, time for teaching, interaction with students will diminish. Insufficient concentration on students cannot guarantee education quality. [看完全段我理解你的意思了，那你一开始不要说all faculties呀，既然你下面都在论证个人的精力不足。]

Working outside can pose big challenge to faculties and schools, too [as well]. As we cannot preclude a fact that some excellent faculties may be poached by headhunters, since most people are crème de la crème [这啥……退一万步说，考场键盘能打出来？] concerning their firm grounding in academic knowledge and years of teaching experience. [后半句微有奇怪，因为你举的都是学术领域的优势，却用来论证跳槽的可能行，起码应该加一句that would be competitive in the job market之类的] And it is probable for people to choose another boss because of attractive salary, especially for those consider teaching just as a profession not as a lifelong cause. And this talent drainage is detrimental to both students and schools.

Squaring up advantages and disadvantages mentioned above, schools need to institutionalize some provisions to maximize boons and minimize bales. First, it's advisable for school leaders to conduct an inquiry across the campus, finding out the specific number of students and teachers, who have such a demand to connect to practical world. Remember, students are fundamental in education whose benefits should prioritize. Second, giving faculties one semester in an academic year who has real needs to experience the profession related, but they should sign a contract in advance, stating they would come back to school when time is due. Third, if conditions permitted, it is conducive for universities cooperating with some local companies to establish regular training and internship. That's really one stone killing three birds which caters for the needs of faculties and solve school's misgivings about talent drainage. And what's more, students are easily to find internship and job after graduation. [一石三鸟就放在一个句子里吧]

Although devoting time in the practical field may facilitate teaching, it has limitations and is doubtful when applied to all fields. And instructing qualities cannot be improved only by gaining experience outside, instead, it is determined by teacher’s major, capacity and commitment to education course, and the center of gravity——students. [这个是升华不是总结，这样来说你其实没有结尾段]

雨馨UID: 2765070

那我也贴一下我的I50好了，本来打算贴另一篇的，既然都在说I50我也来献丑一下，这个基本上是多花了一点时间在awp，之前也木有好好想过，之后也木有精心修改（汗颜）⋯⋯不过比较接近于真实考试的情况
也希望楼下多指教啦～

TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."
WORDS: 675          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-8-5 14:39:30

While admitting that relevant working experience may enhance the faculty's teaching quality, it is too hasty to force all of them to go outside the academic world. Whether to have a relevant job or to remain in the research and education field should depend on many factors.

First of all, different academic fields require different levels of participant in the business world. For example, math and philosophy have little to do with the job market while marketing and applied science is based on the daily experiences. Math and philosophy go beyond our life routine and try to figure out the fundamental principles of the world. Having or not having working experiences does not have large impacts on those who master math and philosophy because their principles are based on the theoretical world instead of the real world. In contrast to those, marketing is about the real business world. Spending some time working outside would definitely help marketing teachers to understand both the customer and the producer deeper and better. Marketing comes from the real world, so it is better to be studied in the real world. Applied science acquires life experience in quite another way. Its origin is science, but it works for people's daily life. Getting a job may inspire those who major in applied science to invent better devices and services. Therefore, we should consider the faculty's major before requiring him or her to spend time and take a job.

Beyond the academic field, the researching status of the faculty is of the same importance in judging whether a professor should or should not work outside. There are faculties who are busy with their research. It is apparently unreasonable to ask a doctor to put his main research on the shelf and spend some time working on the relatively easier tasks from a job vacancy. As the common sense tells us, some of the researchers may spend more than 12 hours in their labs so it is a huge waste to use even a minute of their time. On the other hand, there are some faculties who have no project at the time or get stuck in the research field. It would be a great idea to ask those professors to go outside the academic world for a little while. Breaking their daily routine as a faculty member of a university may bring them new thoughts. Perhaps they would get inspirations about a new project or a new method to solve the staggering problem. In the history, giants got ideas from outside the laboratory as well. As Newton got inspired by a falling apple and Franklin got inspired by the lightening, we could provide more chance for the faculty to get refreshed by sending them to work in their relevant fields. By these meanings, the academic status of the faculty should also affect the university's policy.

Furthermore, the personal experience of each faculty member should not be ignored as well. A faculty member of great working experience may not need further experiences any more. There are professors who once were brilliant workers or officers. For those faculty members, requirements of working outside may not be necessary since they know the real, business world very well. A part-time job may not add to their already abundant knowledge of the outside world. However, a faculty member of little working experience may need a part-time job out of the university. There are professors who become a faculty member just after getting his or her doctor degree. For those faculty members, even a job in spare time may help a lot since they have little knowledge of the real world and the real competition. So, that makes personal experience another essential factor on requiring the faculty to get jobs.

From what has been discussed above, it is clear that getting part-time working experience would do good to some faculty members while would do little to other faculty members. Taking the academic field, the status of research and the personal experience into consideration is necessary in this issue.

tracyrongyiUID: 2842378

嗯 下次注意 就该这一篇好啦 或者自己随便选 228# 雨馨

单钓妖鸡UID: 2748892

麻烦楼主

ljz1990UID: 2837432

221# anniehal
呜呜。。。我的还没改呢。。。蹲好几天了。。。

zhengbo0922UID: 2874343

首先先说下对不起啊，我在传我的文章的时候么有找到没有判过的文章，所以就直接传上来了特此抱歉。我仔细改了下229同学的文章，由于我的英语能力比较弱与你差距太大，我只能尽力可能会把你正确的改错了或者是我理解错了也请229同学原谅。你的这篇文章写得我感觉很好，没有太难的词却表达的比较到位语法上面也没有什么错误（我个人认为），这是我要向你学习的。只是两处我觉得应该稍微改下，有不对之处请指教。
While admitting that relevant working experience may enhance the faculty's teaching quality, it is too hasty to force all of them to go outside the academic world. Whether to have a relevant job or to remain in the research and education field should depend on many factors , as discussed below .我个人认为加上会调理不知道你怎么想当然不加也可以

First of all, different academic fields require different levels of participant in the business world. For example, math and philosophy have little to do with the job market while marketing and applied science is based on the daily experiences. Math and philosophy go beyond our life routine and try to figure out the fundamental principles of the world. Having or not having working experiences does not have large impacts on those who master math and philosophy because their principles are based on the theoretical world instead of the real world. In contrast to those, marketing is about the real business world. Spending some time working outside would definitely help marketing teachers to understand both the customer and the producer deeper and better. Marketing comes from the real world, so it is better to be studied in the real world. Applied science acquires life experience in quite another way. Its origin is science, but it works for people's daily life. Getting a job may inspire those who major in applied science to invent better devices and services. Therefore, we should consider the faculty's major before requiring him or her to spend time and take a job.

Beyond the academic field, the researching status of the faculty is of the same importance in judging whether a professor should or should not work outside. On the one hand ,我认为这里加上可以和你后面的on the other hand 相互呼应你说呢？
there are faculties who are busy with their research. It is apparently unreasonable to ask a doctor to put his main research on the shelf and to 我认为应该加spend some time working on the relatively easier tasks from a job vacancy. As the common sense tells us, some of the researchers may spend more than 12 hours in their labs so it is a huge waste to use even a minute of their time. On the other hand, there are some faculties who have no project at the time or get stuck in the research field. It would be a great idea to ask those professors to go outside the academic world for a little while. Breaking their daily routine as a faculty member of a university may bring them new thoughts. Perhaps they would get inspirations about a new project or a new method to solve the staggering problem. In the history, giants got ideas from outside the laboratory as well. As Newton got inspired by a falling apple and Franklin got inspired by the lightening, we could provide more chance for the faculty to get refreshed by sending them to work in their relevant fields. By these meanings, the academic status of the faculty should also affect the university's policy.

Furthermore, the personal experience of each faculty member should not be ignored as well. A faculty member of great working experience may not need further experiences any more. There are professors who once were brilliant workers or officers. For those faculty members, requirements of working outside may not be necessary since they know the real, business world very well. A part-time job may not add to their already abundant knowledge of the outside world. However, a faculty member of little working experience may need a part-time job out of the university. There are professors who become a faculty member just after getting his or her doctor degree. For those faculty members, even a job in spare time may help a lot since they have little knowledge of the real world and the real competition. Thus , that makes personal experience another essential factor on requiring the faculty to get jobs.

To sum up , from what has been discussed above, it is clear that getting part-time working experience would do good to some faculty members while would do little to other faculty members. Taking the academic field,
take 个人认为加上这个才通，the status of research and the personal experience into consideration is necessary in this issue.

hoopchinaUID: 2875857

占楼改227
贴下自己的
issue51"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."


The issue that whether should we establish a educating system that could meet every student’s reqiurement is a controversial one since it include the conflict between improvement of teaching quality and feasibility. In my point of view, although the new way of education could benefit individuals substaintially, it cost too much for government to reach this goal.Besides, there exist other ways of making education effective that are more preferable compared to this one.

There’s no doubt that students would be benefited by the specilized education since their needs are fully considered by the educators. Just like Confucious, a perminent educator in ancient China ,cliamed “Education should be specialized according to the student”, distinctively-designed teaching plans help students to learn in their unique ways which are most appropriate to individuals’ features. Children have the access to knowledge that they show great interest in and could choose their courses according to their needs, which seem to be a much more effective method of learning compared to recieving what they are taught passively in a big classroom where their own preferances are somewhat ignored. What’s more, each student can get their unique career plan if they have the opportunity of gaining specialized teaching;it is of more possibility for educators to help the unexperienced young to make a lifetime plan,career life included of course, which is based on the personality, characters of a person, and interests. In this way, young man have more possibility to own a successful life.

However, whether this fantastic education system could be established is a still a question. Firstly, it would be a huge number of time and money that we need to pay for the specilized teaching system while the doubt that whether the result brought by it can balance its cost is unsure yet. The rewarding of this certain kind of education cannot be estimatted accurately untill it has been applied for a couple of years and we need to undertake the risks if we are determined to do so.Secondly, it is difficult to say that when the same amount of money are paid for other aspects ,such as municipal affairs, the construction of fundamental facilities in rural areas and the improvement of medical treatment, our society won’t be benefited more than the situation where education is overemphsised. There are so many aspects of society call for great amount of money while the budget of government is limited.Thus we need to make a wise choice when facing so many selections rather than focusing on good results of investing just one aspect.

Fortunatly, we can find subsititute,which cost less moneyand time but can also improve the effectiveness of education, of the large scale specialized education on individuals. Ognizing students that own the similar interets and giving them access to specialized teaching is a wise choice,by which I mean establishing classes that impart knowledge they need to the students could solve the problem of traditional teaching as well as avoiding potential finantial crisis by charging students for these special course.

To sum up, the assretion seems appealing at the first glance but we need to consider it more deeply before appling it; there might be other wise choices for improve the education.

hoopchinaUID: 2875857

我了个去。。。
不给力啊 没人回帖啊
zhengbo0922的哥们 作文改了搁着这儿了啊
PS今儿又没背完单词 不给力啊老湿。。。

The speaker claims that technologies influence social customs and ethics and also actually determine them.（个人感觉题目中的主题词还是换了的好，免得有照抄题目之嫌） With rapid development of technology , this assertion is drawing more attention of the public.(科技进步和人们关注这一言论没有必然关系啊。。。) Some people claim so ，just like the speaker, because advance of technology can make people's life more convenient and comfortable（原句语法错误） . However , other people are poles apart , because technologies do not actually determine social customs and ethics but can influence ones(ones。。。。。。) . In my point of view , I strongly agree with the latter one for the following reasons .（感觉开头段字数有点多。另外绿色的两句话合成一句也可以清楚的表达意思Some people hold the opinion that the avdvancement of technology contributes to a more convienient and comfortable life while others maitain that modern technology,which could influence the mores and values,are far from being a key-determination of the system of ethics. ）
In the first place , I have to admit the fact that technologies actually influence social customs and ethics in a number of respects . Take the transportation and mass (貌似这个比较容易写错 在这儿看到了 多谢哥们提醒)media for example , the mass public traffic of the morden world including unnumbered automobile and millions of planes （额。。。貌似没这么多飞机。。。）makes the transportation all over the world more efficient so the tourists today can increase their experience（丰富他们的经历？貌似这个说法不太准确。我也没想到合适的翻译。Enrich 怎么样？） from the journey easily and comfortably （这个例子和风俗、道德的改变联系不是很密切 建议把好的例子放在前面）. Another good example is the mass media which makes the big world like a small village . Because of the mass media ,such as Internet and television, people can become familiar with great many places which may be thousands of kilometers away and communicate with other people , who share the same interest , more conveniently . Take another example for instance （。。。）, before the 20th century , the notion that women should stay at home nurturing children and caring for elders was so taken （？）as an assumption that there was significant resistance to any tentative attempts to change it . However , technology made a change in this thinking possible . This unreasonable conviction was completely changed after the Industrial Revolution . These examples which I （这两个单词去掉更简介）discussed above are evidences that social cutoms anf ethics could be justified by technology .
However , actually ,it is impossible for technology to determine social conventional customs . Culture plays more vital role than technology in determining social customs . For supporting example , spring festival is one of the most famous festival in china大写 and even in the whole world , especially when it comes to chinese 这里断句就可以了When spring festival comes, wherever you are , no matter how busy you are , people are trying their best to go their home in order to share the happiness of new year . In a word , the culture has no relationship with technology .
Nevertheless , technologies can not determine social custom and ethics , it should be decided by human . We should not arbitrary change customs and ethics , because customs and ethics are decided by our ancestors in a long time . Thus , technology need to be controlled by customs and ethics . If these technologies are not restricted by customs and ethics , technology can also bring unpredictable disaster . Take nuclear power weapon for example, just at the beginning when nuclear energy was found ,nobody could predict that it would become a fierce killer . However , only 20 years later , approximately 161.000 是小数点还是撇号？Japanese lost their lives under the attack of a newly invented weapon . Furthermore , about 450.000 Japanese died of the radiation of nuclear . Whereas , as a result of abusing nuclear energy after the 2nd world war , an agreement was signed among America , Russia, China ,UK , France , India and some other countries who own nuclear energy technology , to restrict the invention and diffusion of nuclear weapon .
To sum up , technologies merely influence social customs and ethics , which are determined by people themselves . We should adopt a set of restriction on technologies in case to provide a chance with destroying society and even humanbeing .
文章读完之后第一感觉是不少句子刻意追求长句导致语法问题和不通顺，另外首段的观点罗列显得有些冗长，一些套话和模板的痕迹严重
文章的论述思路还是很清晰的，例子也比较多，不过个别例子在论述中并不是很合适的被使用
除此之外，有些地方显示出单词的重复使用和句型的缺乏，当然这些问题大家都有，我也有。而且说不定比你更严重，所以大家要一起努力

hoopchinaUID: 2875857

不给力啊。。。
木人回帖。。。

zhengbo0922UID: 2874343

谢谢hoopchina同学的认真批改，一起加油，哈

雨馨UID: 2765070

看完这篇文章，我真是后悔没有早点批改。
问题太严重了：不能把issue当作argument写！！！（第一次在批改中用红字）
issue问的是你对这件事的观点，而不是你对这句话的观点。多读读官方的指南。

你也是没有经过WORD就放上来了，拼写、语法什么的，还要再加油。以下修改基于我在WORD里调整过的版本

Issue51"Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

The issue that whether should we establish an educating system that could meet every student’s requirement is a controversial one since it includes the conflict between improvement of teaching quality and feasibility. In my point of view, although the new way of education could benefit individuals substantially, it cost too much for government to reach this goal. Besides, there exist other ways of making education effective that are more preferable compared to this one.
这个开头，显然是把issue当argument写了，你既然觉得有更好的方案，就在第一段写出来不成嘛！

There’s no doubt that students would be benefited by the specialized education since their needs are fully considered by the educators. Just like Confucius, a prominent educator in ancient China, claimed “Education should be specialized according to the student”, distinctively-designed teaching plans help students to learn in their unique ways which are most appropriate to individuals’ features. Children have the access to knowledge that they show great interest in and could choose their courses according to their needs, which seem to be a much more effective method of learning compared to receiving what they are taught passively in a big classroom where their own preferences are somewhat ignored. What’s more, [建议用?拆开，变成整句，不然有些不正式] each student can get their unique career plan if they have the opportunity of gaining specialized teaching; it is of more possibility for educators to help the inexperienced young to make a lifetime plan, career life included of course, which is based on the personality, characters of a person, and interests. In this way, young men have more possibility to own a successful life. [同一个意思用许多句子重复来重复去，不如给vivid examples]

However, whether this fantastic education system could be established is still a question. Firstly, it would be a huge number of time and money that we need to pay for the specialized teaching system while the doubt that whether the result brought by it can balance its cost is unsure yet. The rewarding of this certain kind of education cannot be estimated accurately until it has been applied for a couple of years and we need to undertake the risks if we are determined to do so. [这里其实有两点：要钱、没保障，后者不属于前者] Secondly, it is difficult to say that when the same amount of money are paid for other aspects, such as municipal affairs, the construction of fundamental facilities in rural areas and the improvement of medical treatment, our society won’t be benefited more than the situation where education is overemphasized. [还是一样，你凭什么说其他也重要呢？理由！理由！另外，你觉得（issue的重点就是你觉得），什么可能比教育更重要呢？理由！理由！] There are so many aspects of society call for great amount of money while the budget of government is limited. Thus we need to make a wise choice when facing so many selections rather than focusing on good results of investing just one aspect.

Fortunately, we can find substitute, which cost less money and time but can also improve the effectiveness of education, of the large scale specialized education on individuals. Organizing students that own the similar interests and giving them access to specialized teaching is a wise choice, by which I mean establishing classes that impart knowledge they need to the students could solve the problem of traditional teaching as well as avoiding potential financial crisis by charging students for these special course. [你的建议很brief且充满了漏洞，另外，它和原命题是对立关系么？仔细读读？原命题也没说要1对1教育啊，不要曲解人家，又给自己开后门嘛。你的整篇文章就应该论证：关注个人兴趣可以，但要按我说的方法。因为，一、二、三……可能有人会因为……而反对，但是，其实……，所以，我的方法还是最好的！]

To sum up, the assertion seems appealing at the first glance but we need to consider it more deeply before applying it; there might be other wise choices for improve the education.
[完全argument的结尾，绝对不可取。]

不知道你什么时候考AW，就算是下周一考，也要记住，不能把issue当作argument写，否则就是偏题。

雨馨UID: 2765070

我的，也是ScoreItNow!，也是5分。

题目：
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

文章：
As everyone can have his or her own definition of loneliness, whether the development of technological tools and the use to which has increased loneliness in this era varies from different sides of views.

On one hand, if one defines loneliness as the lack of face-to-face communication, the advanced technology may responsible for increasing people's loneliness. Hundreds of years ago, we human beings live in the remote villages and communicate with each other by talking, hugging and attending all the activities together. Ancient people seldom leave their villages and the entire clansman live together within the hearing distance. With the invention of modern devices, we are able to travel faster and thus living not in one village but in different cities with our friends and families. Therefore, it is harder and harder for us to keep face-to-face communications so frequent as our ancestors, even if we invented the mail system, telephone, mobile phone and the Internet. For those who treasure the real warmth from the arms of others, modern technologies apparently reduce their joy to be aside with their beloved.

On the other hand, however, if one defines loneliness as the lack of communication with others, the new technological tools may not add on to his or her loneliness but actually reduce it. With digital devices, we can now contact with anyone anywhere, which was a dream several decades ago. In ancient times, it was still hard to communicate and leaded to loneliness when the wife was cooking the meal at their hut and the husband was working in the farm outside. In the modern society, we can put our earphones on and talk to anyone when we are at work, at meal and, of course at home. With mobile phones and online chats, seamless communication can last as long as we wish. In addition to this, new technologies are being invented to make it even better. The new feature of iPhone 4, Face Time, is surely another great progress in this field that brings about "face-to-face" talk in a digital way. From this view, new technology does not bring loneliness but keeps trying to avoid it in our lives.

Loneliness is not only about communication but also about the time we spend alone. For some people, the increase of the time they spend alone means the increase of loneliness. From this perspective, the technology we are using today does account for the loneliness in our society. In the 1990s, personal computer is introduced to people's lives. Till now, with the little, intelligent device and the Internet, we can finish our work, learn new knowledge, keep contact with our colleagues, get the latest news, chat with our family and friends, play games, watch movies and buy goods without even standing up from our chair. These activities used to bring us with others together but now they are finished when we are alone in front of our computer. That surely prolongs our time spent by ourselves and may be regarded as an evidence of new technologies raising loneliness.

But for other people, it is the things we do when we are alone that determines whether we feel lonely. If we have nothing to do when there is no one by our side, we would feel isolated; if we have lots and lots of things to do when we are alone, we would not feel lonely. Modern technique surely contributes to our lives in this side of view. When not having terminals as computers and smart phones, we can do very few things alone as reading, thinking and writing. Many people would feel lonely when doing so. When having those new devices at our hand, our lives are greatly enriched. As stated above, there is hardly something one cannot do with a computer. Since our spare time is fulfilled with the new entertainment and new communication brought by the amazing technologies, the loneliness may decrease as there is little time for feeling it in the daily life.

From what has been discussed above, it is clear that the effects of the modern technology on the feeling of loneliness largely depend on our own views of loneliness. While strongly recommending people to change their mind and to be optimistic about the new tools, I do agree that those who stick to living and communicating in the old ways can remain their life styles in this modern civilization. After all, it would be faster and more convenient for them to rush to their families and friends in different places through modern transportation system anyway.

tracyrongyiUID: 2842378

zhan239# 雨馨
不知道我编辑的东西怎么就这么难看呢 看不下去的话跟我说啊 直接传。doc 方便又省事

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them这里to是跟在humanity has put the uses to the technological tools这里的吧 所以你后面的to就不大恰当吧 have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

文章：开头给我很熟悉的感觉，原来是今天看了一篇ets范文 估计就有似曾相识的感觉
As everyone can have his or her own definition of loneliness, whether the development of technological tools and the use to which（its uses） has increased loneliness in this era varies from different sides of views.
这句有点奇怪 google一下 ms 没有这种用法哟，varies at different angles of view 或者是varies in different views 比较常用的就是varies from person to person 不要搞得太复杂
On one hand, if one defines loneliness as the lack of (as the absence of)
face-to-face communication, 中文意思通了 e文觉得不是很地道the advanced technology may responsible for increasing people's loneliness. Hundreds of years ago, we human beings live in the remote villages and communicate with each other by talking, hugging感觉怪怪
and attending all the activities together.这里有画面感了 读起来也比较舒服 Ancient people seldom leave their villages and the entire clansman live together within the hearing distance. 画面感更强 我还多学了个词 With the invention of modern devices, we are able to travel faster and thus living因为可以更快的旅行所以就不住在一个村里子？因果关系还值得进一步商榷 not in one village but in different cities with our friends and families. Therefore, it is harder and harder for us to keep face-to-face communications so frequent （keep sth frequent? Keep frequent contracts with each other）as our ancestors, even if we invented the mail system, telephone, mobile phone and the Internet. For those who treasure the real warmth from the arms of others, modern technologies apparently reduce their joy to be aside with (as being aside from ) their beloved.

On the other hand, however, if one defines loneliness as the lack of communication with others(这里是想表现出和上面的不同吧 但是ms这样写感觉是包括face to face communication 而不是并列的关系。Emotional and intellectual communication), the new technological tools may not add on to his or her loneliness but actually reduce it. With digital devices, we can now contact with anyone anywhere, which was a dream several decades ago. In ancient times, it was still hard to communicate and leaded to loneliness when the wife was cooking the meal at their hut and the husband was working in the farm outside.我最爱的画面感又出来了，可见写文能力和改造能力是极其的强啊，其实画面感对我这种懒人来说好理解。感觉很多rater也是这样啊 In the modern society, we can put our earphones on and talk to anyone when we are at work, at meal and, of course at home. (我以为这一句会紧接着对比，说夫妻的现代生活呢！是不是应该紧承上文来个现代的画面呢！比如even if a couple had to be separated from each other for some time as working requirements or other reasons, they can communicate within voice and vision by means of Web camera, which is a new way to enhance their intimacy and sweetness.) they With mobile phones and online chats, seamless communication can last as long as we wish. In addition to this, new technologies are being invented to make it even better. The new feature of iPhone 4, Face Time, is surely another great progress in this field that brings about "face-to-face" talk in a digital way. From this view, new technology does not bring loneliness but keeps trying to avoid it in our lives.

Loneliness is not only about communication but also about the time we spend alone. For some people, the increase of the time they spend alone means the increase of loneliness. From this perspective, the technology we are using today does account for the loneliness in our society. In the 1990s, personal computer is introduced to people's lives. Till now, with the little, intelligent device and the Internet, we can finish our work, learn new knowledge, keep contact with our colleagues, get the latest news, chat with our family and friends, play games, watch movies and buy goods without even standing up from our chair. These activities used to bring us with others together 什么东东 but now they are finished when we are alone in front of our computer. That surely prolongs our time spent by ourselves and may be regarded as an evidence of new technologies raising loneliness.

But for other people, it is the things we do when we are alone that determines whether we feel lonely. If we have nothing to do when there is no one by our side, we would feel isolated; if we have lots and lots of things to do when we are alone, we would not feel lonely. Modern technique surely contributes to our lives in this side of view.这段读了两遍，因为没看出来是增加还是减少 直到看完了才品出来 因为contribute to 我理解成了 倒置这个的因素。建议直接写成 reduce loneliness） When not having terminals as computers and smart phones, we can do very few things alone as reading, thinking and writing. Many people would feel lonely when doing so. When having those new devices at our hand, our lives are greatly enriched. As stated above, there is hardly something one cannot do with a computer. Since our spare time is fulfilled with the new entertainment and new communication brought by the amazing technologies, the loneliness may decrease as there is little time for feeling it in the daily life.
很意外的 结尾没有综述 在尝试改变风格吗
最后提到希望顽固守旧的人能够利用新的生活方式何文明，有点astray啊 前面都没有说啊 如果只是最后这么说一下 会不会让rater觉得perspective 但是不够 effective 呢
上午刚看过一篇ets范文 5分而不是6分的原因就有这个呢
我看好你啊 明天加油 You have a potential and merit a solid score of 6 不过不要太紧张啊 尽力就好
From what has been discussed above, it is clear that the effects of the modern technology on the feeling of loneliness largely depend on our own views of loneliness. While strongly recommending people to change their mind and to be optimistic about the new tools, I do agree that those who stick to living and communicating in the old ways can remain their life styles in this modern civilization. After all, it would be faster and more convenient for them to rush to their families and friends in different places through modern transportation system anyway.

1依据loneliness定义 依据不同情况而论

2如果定义是vis-à-vis 那确实如此

3和周围人交流，却不是这样

4孤独依时间而定 这样技术就是问题

5依据 我们单独做的事情增加了孤独感 实际上就是空虚  这里的概括力度不够

6固守己见的人应改变  有点偏