1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Issue）

zmy1029UID：2537885

改179L
TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."

Education circle是说教育系统吗 system会不会更好 has taken various means to improve the quality of instruction, but is that useful? Concerning faculties' spending time outside the academic circle, it can enhance teaching performance in some degree. However, when intending to cover all the fields, precedence should be given to the voice of teachers and students, who constitute the main ontology in education.

First, there is no denying that practice outside the campus, a great complement to academic study, is beneficial for both faculties and students. A proverbial phenomenon nowadays is that some faculties emphasize too much on theoretic research, which is totally dislocated with society. And students are crowned with genius in theory, idiot in practice. By working and learning from outside, they can enrich their mind with cutting-edge technology, and consequently, get acquaintance with social needs and changes in their fields. Therefore, they can flexibly change syllabus and teaching methods according to the first-hand experience.

However, not every faculty should and can afford to spend time in non-academic field. It should clarify its target when putting into practice. On the one hand, not all subjects closely link to applications widely used or recognized. For instance, subjects like quantum mechanics, spacial specially physics where which seldom people are conversant with and have virtuosity in, where do teachers in these fields to practice outside the lab and find a "boss". On the other hand, if one luckily come across such a job, say, the commercial use of quantum mechanics, is it worth to spend a large amount of time of professors examining the comings and goings of a business, and learning every terminology and equation from scratch. May be this time a breathtaking theory has been verified if he or she lucidated(maitokugan) in the lab.


Further, the quality of instruction cannot avoid being affected when all faculties devoted in non-academic field. Dabbling into a different circle, although in the related fields, is not a piece of cake for everyone, including teachers. A good teacher at school may not be a good worker in the factory. They have to adapt to a new environment, learning practical skills from start and communication with new colleges colleagues, all are time-consuming. What’s more, everyone's energy and buoyancy are limited, if too much attention fixed on working outside, consequently, time for teaching, interaction with students will diminish. Insufficient concentration on students cannot guarantee education quality.

Working outside can pose big challenge to faculties and schools, too. As we cannot preclude a fact that some excellent faculties may be poached by headhunters, since most people are crème de la crème concerning their firm grounding in academic knowledge and years of teaching experience. And it is probable for people to choose another boss because of attractive salary, especially for those consider teaching just as a profession not as a lifelong cause. And this talent drainage is detrimental to both students and schools. 我觉得你这段可以写个具体点的例子出来效果会更好,同样的事例.

Squaring up advantages and disadvantages mentioned above, schools need to institutionalize some provisions to maximize boons and minimize bales. First, it's advisable for school leaders to conduct an inquiry across the campus, finding out the specific number of students and teachers, who have such a demand to connect to practical world. Remember, students are fundamental in education whose benefits should prioritize. Second, giving faculties one semester in an academic year who has real needs to experience the profession related, but they should sign a contract in advance, stating they would come back to school when time is due. Third, if conditions permitted, it is conducive for universities cooperating with some local companies to establish regular training and internship. That's really one stone killing three birds which caters for the needs of faculties and solve school's misgivings about talent drainage. And what's more, students are easily to find internship and job after graduation.

Although devoting time in the practical field may facilitate teaching, it has limitations and is doubtful when applied to all fields. And instructing qualities cannot be improved only by gaining experience outside, instead, it is determined by teacher’s major, capacity and commitment to education course, and the center of gravity——students.

心得：三段搞出来了
起&合
不知道怎么写
不想用模板，但是又不知道该如何开头。结尾的合难道只是重复，提出新的意见又不可能花大量的时间论证，那该怎么办。
整篇文章觉得很多词都在重复。考虑到 consider 只想到这个
还有
在外面工作该怎么表达，因为他不仅仅限于工作，总不能说in the non-academic field ，老说也很腻。
还有红宝书里那个埋头苦干怎么说我怎么想不起来了]
Faculty 定义是什么
可以和teacher professor 换着用吗
总不能通篇都是faculty 啊
我知道自己没有例子
今天看issue5,5 说不一定要引经据典也不一定要有例子
把要表达的表达清楚就好了
我感觉自己表达得比较清楚
只是还是觉得有例子支撑比较好
没想到该把例子放在哪
以及找些什么样的例子
始终觉得为了放例子而写列子不是件舒服的事


能写这么多字真是膜拜.

我觉得你的词汇已经不错啦,好多我不认识的红宝单词,

词汇有点重复,论证够充分还是能够得到5分的吧


不用模板是对的,最近看了坛子里好多贴都说不要用模板,而且我看ets3分标准很低,但中国学生那么多3分我猜想就是模板造成的吧,

至于例子,我觉得肯定还是要有的,不一定要是什么名人,想不出名人就举个路人来说明好了,one , individual,就是身边常见的实例,能证明你的观点就行.教育类的我也觉得不好举例.

你的提纲大概是这样的
1.校外工作的好处之理论和实践结合
2.不是所有学科需要校外工作,比如学术性学科
3.校外工作不好之不能在外过度
4.校外工作之会让老师不务正业.
5.提出建议方案
主要是讲要结合校外实践

但是从你的篇幅看来,讲不好的比好的要多,是不是可以平衡一下,还有多说说对学生的影响,比如指导就业什么的…

以上是我个人看法,仅供参考,自己水平不高,不要被我误导了

zmy1029UID：2537885

题目：ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
字数：475          用时：01:02:11          日期：2010-08-01 上午 12:05:57

The discussion of the effective way for education among individuals and  society as a whole has come into vogue during the last decade. Different people have different answers due to their repective point of view.The speaker above claims that meeting the individual needs and interests of each student is the only way to make education effective. In my view, however,  interests could make contribution to education but not the only way.On balance, education is a complex process which need a series means to make it the most effective including interests.

To begin with, let us talk about and make the definition of education. For my part, education is a process that give student knowlege and skills to make them a responsible ,skillful  and enterprising person and make contribution to the society. To obtain the goal, education have to cut into three parts.To give students fundenmatal knowledge and skills for their everyday life; to help students choose their future profession and teach them professional skills;to lead them into society to be a effecive citizen.

At the beginning,children know nothing about the world and do not know what they need,educationer should teach teach them and let them to understand the world. Kingdergarden and primary school play this role in education system.
After gain basic knowledge and form a basic value to the world,and students have ability to think and judge independent then they will have their own prefer thing.

It is the time for education to meet the individual needs,otherwise, the students educated would be the same one.As there is a saying goes,"interest is the best teacher".Student will be more motivate and inspire with interest,then they will be succeed more easily with interest.Take the CEO of apple company,the best innovate company in the world, Steve Jobs as an example.Jobs dropped of school at his second year in college because he thought the course he learn in college is not what he is looking for.Then he found what he wants, he made the first macintosh and become one of the greatest businessman in the world.He always says:"The only way to do great work is to love what you do ".In other words, do what you love.

However, to meet everyone's need in college or university is impossible that thousands of students have thousands of things they want to do.Fortunately, people find a effective way to solve this problem.  In many university and college, there are serveral courese named "elective course", along with basic course,students could learn what they like and skills that tied up with their future pofession.

In sum,interest could help student study more effective,however, only interest make no means. An effective education system need to have different meas to educate in different time and different way as I stated above to make a person with a various of knowledge and skills to make a better sociey.

快考试了~严重超时~~请猛拍....这个大概能得多少分啊...我对issue要求不高:mad:

figuechenUID：2850619

改182L

题目：ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
字数：475          用时：01:02:11          日期：2010-08-01
上午 12:05:57

The discussion of the effective way for education among individuals and society as a whole has come into vogue during the last decade. Different people have different answers due to their repective point of view. The speaker above claims that meeting the individual needs and interests of each student is the only way to make education effective. In my view, however,  interests could make contribution to education but not the only way. On balance, education is a complex process which need a series means to make it the most effective including interests.
[开头假大空。红字部分建议直接删掉。开头要简明扼要，不要扭扭捏捏，建议你的观点句也改得更直截了当。不要谈什么interest。人家说的是designed education or not。]

To begin with, let us talk about and make the definition of education. For my part, education is a process that give student knowlege and skills to make them a responsible ,skillful  and enterprising person and make contribution to the society. To obtain the goal, education have to cut into three parts.To give students fundenmatal knowledge and skills for their everyday life; to help students choose their future profession and teach them professional skills;to lead them into society to be a effecive citizen.
[红字部分没什么用，删了吧。这段并非主要讨论内容，请尽量简明。]

At the beginning,children know nothing about the world and do not know what they need,educationer should teach teach them and let them to understand the world. Kingdergarden and primary school play this role in education system. After gain basic knowledge and form a basic value to the world,and students have ability to think and judge independent then they will have their own prefer thing.
[我没看出这段有任何意义。任何内容都请切合主题。这和designed education有什么联系不？]

It is the time for education to meet the individual needs,otherwise, the students educated would be the same one.As there is a saying goes,"interest is the best teacher".Student will be more motivate and inspire with interest,then they will be succeed more easily with interest.Take the CEO of apple company,the best innovate company in the world, Steve Jobs as an example.Jobs dropped of school at his second year in college because he thought the course he learn in college is not what he is looking for.Then he found what he wants, he made the first macintosh and become one of the greatest businessman in the world.He always says:"The only way to do great work is to love what you do ".In other words, do what you love.
[作者证明的只是兴趣对学习的帮助，和designed education又有什么联系？这种中国人的跳跃式思维在AW中请不要出现，rater是看不懂你的文章的。]

However, to meet everyone's need in college or university is impossible that thousands of students have thousands of things they want to do.Fortunately, people find a effective way to solve this problem.  In many university and college, there are serveral courese named "elective course", along with basic course,students could learn what they like and skills that tied up with their future pofession.
[这段想说designed education在大学中不可行？你的论述也太过单薄了吧，根本没有说明白为什么。因为大学里有就合理了吗？有elective course就是designed education了吗？]

In sum,interest could help student study more effective,however, only interest make no means. An effective education system need to have different meas to educate in different time and different way as I stated above to make a person with a various of knowledge and skills to make a better sociey.

首先，作者的语法功底不好，以后写完作文请把它放到Word里自己改一改。至少我把它粘贴到Word里以后就是“全国山河一片红”。因为我认为你这样的做法是对其他人的不负责任，所以我没有帮你改语法错误。请自行回去修改。

其次，作者的文章根本就偏题了。可能是作者还没有意识到ETS对AW的要求所在。你自己回去读一读题目，再读一读文章。你的文章只有零星的地方谈到了designed education，大部分只是在毫无意义地空谈兴趣的作用，以及莫名其妙地说大学阶段应该designed education。

最后，建议作者读一读范文，搞清一篇好文章都需要什么。文章的文采可以不美，但是逻辑一定要清晰。如果你想分阶段讨论，就应该摆明观点，然后说“在小学阶段，不应该designed education。理由有123”，“在大学阶段，应该designed education。理由有123”。

拍得狠了一些，有不当之处还请多多指教。祝共同进步

figuechenUID：2850619

TOPIC: ISSUE120 - "So much is new and complex today that looking back for an understanding of the past provides little guidance for living in the present."
WORDS: 572      TIME: 00:45:00              DATE: 2010-7-28 9:33:27

提纲：
1.历史未必有直接价值
过去的事未必会再发生。
就算可能再发生，模仿它也未必会成功。
2.历史可以有精神价值，这些价值能指导我们更好地生活
历史揭露人性
历史提供道德模范

This is nowhere more presumptuous than the assertion that history does not throw a light on the path towards the future because of the rapid development nowadays. Admittedly, most things in the past cannot directly pose an influence on the modern issues. However, they enlighten us with its spiritual value and steer us towards a better society.

On one hand, the worlds around us keep changing every day, and things occurred in the past may no longer be useful. Initially, what happened in history may not take place again. There is a Chinese tale about this: A rabbit happened to crash on a trunk and died. A farmer was lucky to have a full sight of it and picked up the rabbit for dinner. He imagined that there would be another rabbit which conducted the similar behavior the next day, and thereby waited under the same tree hence. However, no rabbit ever came again. The story tells us that what occurred in history might be misleading us. What’s more, even if it may take place in the present, imitating what happened in history will not guarantee one's success since the situation has changed. For example, a country can invade another without any justifiable reason in the past. However, it is not feasible in the present because of the appearance of United Nations as well as other various reasons. The country that dares invade others will be punished. This example indicates that the simple application of history might not guide us a surest path towards success in modern lives.

On the other hand, we should not lose sight of the fact that history might help us in the spiritual respect. Foremost, it is history that reveals the human nature. For example, if we cast a look back at the history of Trojan War, it will come not as a surprise that it was the lust for a woman that resulted in such a long-lasting war. Although Trojan War would not break out again, the lust for a woman which rooted deep in human nature remains. The full understanding of human nature will enrich our mind and possess a more insightful perspective towards the world, which provides a unique view in dealing with many problems. In other words, history provides guidance for living in the present.

Furthermore, the study of history can illustrate moral issues with examples and will shape us into an individual who follows high ethical standards. For instance, when it comes to courage, the story about Joan of Arc was told; and the story about Tubman and her Underground Railway came into mind. We can fully understand what courage means and all it stands for through these stories. After all, the virtue taught by these exemplary will teach us how to behave in real life and provide high moral criteria for us to follow. Through this way, the history guides us in enjoying a better life.

An analogy can be drawn with history: history is like a beacon in the dark sea, lightening the path towards the destination. Italian philosopher Machiavelli once said, "Whoever wants to foresee the future must consult the past". The saying is used to point out that changing as the world seems to be, the spiritual wealth in history will benefit us in a long term. Bacon stated that "History makes a man wise". Learn history, and you will have a clearer view on this modern society.

ljz1990UID：2837432

占位改184L


TOPIC: ISSUE120 - "So much is new and complex today that looking back for an understanding of the past provides little guidance for living in the present."
WORDS: 572      TIME: 00:45:00              DATE: 2010-7-28 9:33:27提纲：
历史未必有直接价值过去的事未必会再发生。就算可能再发生，模仿它也未必会成功。2.历史可以有精神价值，这些价值能指导我们更好地生活历史揭露人性历史提供道德模范

This is nowhere more presumptuous than the assertion that history does not throw a light on the path towards the future because of the rapid development nowadays. Admittedly, most things in the past cannot directly pose an influence on the modern issues. However, they enlighten us with its spiritual value and steer us towards a better society（这不就是历史对现在的影响吗？）.

On one hand, the worlds around us keep changing every day, and things occurred in the past may no longer be useful. Initially,（额，这里可以这样用么，如果可以请告知~呵呵） what happened in history may not take place again. There is a Chinese tale about this: A rabbit happened to crash on a trunk and died. A farmer was lucky to have a full sight of it and picked up the rabbit for dinner. He imagined that there would be another rabbit which conducted the similar behavior the next day, and thereby waited under the same tree hence. However, no rabbit ever came again. The story tells us that what occurred in history might be misleading us. （额，这个例子，毕竟一个是历史一个是寓言，说服力不强啊~）What’s more, even if it may take place in the present, imitating what happened in history will not guarantee one's success since the situation has changed. For example, a country can invade another without any justifiable reason in the past. However, it is not feasible in the present because of the appearance of United Nations as well as other various reasons. The country that dares invade others will be punished. This example indicates that the simple application of history might not guide us a surest（？？） path towards success in modern lives.嗯，感觉第一个论点和后面完全脱节了。这里说因为历史不太可能再发生，而且即使模仿也不太可能成功；后面又说历史有精神价值和道德方面的价值，可以 provides guidance for living in the present还有guides us in enjoying a better life.这不是自相矛盾么。没有说历史要完全照搬过来才行，你自己后面也说了历史的两方面价值，我们只采取有用的部分就好啦。


On the other hand, we should not lose sight of the fact that history might help us in the spiritual respect（精神尊重？Spiritual aspects？）. Foremost, it is history that reveals the human nature. （直接history reveals human nature，读起来像是只有历史才能揭示人性，其实你要表达的是历史可以揭示人性对吗？）For example, if we cast a look back at the history of Trojan War, it will come not as a surprise that it was the lust for a woman that resulted in such a long-lasting war. Although Trojan War would not break out again, the lust for a woman which rooted deep in human nature remains. （我倒，如果没记错的话，特洛伊战争是神话故事而不是历史吧~）The full understanding of human nature will enrich our mind and possess a more insightful perspective towards the world, which provides a unique view in dealing with many problems.（嗯，没有进一步说明或者论据支撑。按你说的，the lust of woman怎么就enrich our mind and possess……了？没弄明白。而且揭露人性只是精神方面的影响么，像你说的，可以 provides guidance，这就不是在纯精神层面上了吧？然后人性有很多种，the lust of woman只是其中之一（首先还得是男的），而且这不需要历史大家都知道了，历史的价值就在于这么？还有更多更重要的历史价值啊！~比如说政治，军事，文化方面。都是可以借鉴，但不是照搬照抄。想现在很多人还研究孙子兵法等等之类的。。。。） In other words, history provides guidance for living in the present.

Furthermore, the study of history can illustrate moral issues with examples and will shape us into an individual who follows high ethical standards. For instance, when it comes to courage, （勇气算是道德的一种吗？额，有点纠结……）the story about Joan of Arc was told; and the story about Tubman and her Underground Railway came into mind. （他们怎么有勇气了？怎么说明了历史可以指明道德问题？没有解释清楚哦~）We can fully understand what courage means and all it stands for through these stories. After all, （毕竟？有点读不通）the virtue taught by these exemplary will teach us how to behave in real life and provide high moral criteria for us to follow. （历史很复杂，甚至有些历史事件中我们很难说孰对孰错，如果就说high moral criteria显得有些苍白，需要再多些例证。）Through this way, the history guides us in enjoying a better life.（因果有点牵强）嗯，我觉得这个论点和上一个一样，有点弱，没那么有说服力啊。道德是不是我们从历史中获得的最重要的东西？

An analogy can be drawn with history: history is like a beacon in the dark sea, lightening the path towards the destination. Italian philosopher Machiavelli once said, "Whoever wants to foresee the future must consult the past". The saying is used to point out that changing as the world seems to be, the spiritual wealth in history will benefit us in a long term. Bacon stated that "History makes a man wise".Learn history, and you will have a clearer view on this modern society.

感觉整个逻辑不是很严密，可以攻击的点很多。语言还算流畅，我自己语言不怎么好，就不给你乱改了。大家一起加油吧呵呵。

ljz1990UID：2837432

TOPIC: ISSUE131 - "The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."
WORDS: 497          TIME: 00:48:43          DATE: 2010-08-01 14:24:17

The very first inisialtive of art is inpiration, which is considered as personal emotion while of little combination with society.Indeed, when we come to the disscussion of art, the first thing pop out is beauty and grace,which has no common places with the society ,which in the view of the majority,is full of dread reality.There is even some people such as rock fans, take art as an way to escape from the real world.However, we should not lose sight of the fact that, art come from socity and in return,feed back.It reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society,and beauty takes only part of it.
We can seldom peel art off from the society.Artists, the creators of art, cannot escape from the role as human being,whose existence rely on socity.Then in a similar way, the emotion of human rely on, and is also contained in, the society where he live as well.Thus the emotion of them, which is universal and widespred in the public,reflect and reveal the impulses of the society .While what distinguishes artists from ordinary people is that, they are more sensity and creative, has the inner desire to express,and could convert their inside world in an artic way.For exemple, the Chinese landscaping painting, represent the harmony and beauty in the nature,which is the pursue of all human kind; the famous Wedding Song, composed by great musican Mendelssohn, evoke the love and happy in the soul of each one.One reason why most articles seems has no relasionship with society at first glance may be that, the artist handle their feeling in an abstractive way, we need to feel them whole-heartedly.(in order to find the relation lies in art and society)
The society is complicated, and as a reflection of the society, art also has its diversity.The diversity shows not only in the varity of the art form, but also of  the points,which is not alway pleasing, one article wants to convey.Life is beauty, one emotion picture depict a father tried to save his son in the Nazi's concentration camp We could observe a lot,both sorrow and happy from it----the crule of the Nazis,the misery of the Jews, more important, the wisdom and greatness of a father,the beauty of love, and the longing of peace.
Involving the impulses of a society, the art could also urge people to discover, to sense,to think of the society,and then, to act. The International song, calls on people to arm for their right and the world's peace.The Terror of a war, in which a nude Vietnan girl with her arms open, crying and runing in great scare.The 1972 Pultlizer Photograph shocked all the Americans across the Pacific Ocean, who almost became numb with the endless war. Immediantely, a new surge agaist the war formed, which served as one catalyst in ending the Vietnan War six months earier.In this extent, art has the fuction and the responsibility in leading the public.
Although seems as an privy activity, art is a reflection of its socity,it reveals not only the beauty,but also the evils and guide people to fell and act.

雨馨UID：2765070

LS首先还是要注意一下明显的标点、拼写和语法问题。这个可以粘贴到WORD里一看便知。
提出几个值得说一下的错误：
1、所有的句号逗号后面，都要空格。这个最好是养成打完标点立即空格的习惯。不要以为老外不会介意，实际上常看英文的人对于有没有空格，甚至于空了一格还是两格都非常敏感。
2、注意a和an的用法，尤其是本来打算用这个词后来换掉的时候，一定要注意要不要调整a/an，要不要调整单复数。
3、一般“-”只要用一个，前后各空一格。（个人习惯）总之很少会有人一打4个这样。
4、段落间空一行会使格式更清晰，使文章更易读。
这些问题虽小，但累积起来，对文章的整体感觉影响是非常大的。试问即便思路再深邃，连非常日常的单词都不能正确拼写，ETS怎么可能认为这个考生有足够的英语写作水平呢。
我的个人建议是，就算放弃一些深挖的思路和论点，也要先把语言错误控制在比较小的范围内；就算减少一些整体字数，也要留出时间，把明显的错误改掉；就算放弃经典的有说服力的例子，也要确保例子的素材本身没有明显的错误。其他复杂的句式、深奥的用词也是同理，一定要确保用上去是加分才用。
下文的修改基于在WORD里调整过上述问题的版本，拼写错误等都不再赘述了。

另一个问题是对题目的理解。I131是我觉得非常有挑战性的难题。
The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society.
手边没有黄皮书和其他人的翻译，但如果是我的话会把它翻译为：“艺术（绘画、音乐、文艺等）能显示社会中潜伏着的思想与冲动。要体会这样的感受，非通过艺术不可。”比较幼稚，请体会其中的关键含义就好。
也就是要好好解读这个“otherwise hidden”，我觉得在这道题里，它是一个题眼。
这道题目并不是要我们去解释艺术能够反映社会的思潮，这样它就无可辩驳了。它的矛盾与冲突在于：是不是有一些隐伏的、难为人知却又慢慢在滋长在弥漫的东西，暗暗地存在在社会之中，只有通过艺术的形式能够被发掘出来。有一些艺术的美、艺术的内涵，是不是只能停留在艺术之中。

概括一下LS的主要论点：
P1-总起段：因为艺术来源于社会，所以它也反映了社会。
P2-分论点：艺术家和他/她的思想都来源于生活，所以他们的感受有普遍性。（如果没有，说明你没认真体会）
P3-分论点：社会有其复杂性，艺术也有。
P4-分论点：艺术能对社会产生推动力。
P5-总结段：艺术既反映人性的善，也反映人性的恶；它不仅反映社会，并且推动我们采取行动。

不难看出，LS主要论证了艺术与社会是有联系的，并且详细分析、说明了这些联系是什么、为什么。但是，却没有很好地解读与回答题目所提出的矛盾之处。

最后还是贴一下LS的文本和我对表达上的一些修改和建议，其实说到这里这一部分都不是非常重要了。我自以为英语表达也不咋地，所以不要太认真看，也不要太信就好|||||b

TOPIC: ISSUE131 - "The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."
WORDS: 497          TIME: 00:48:43          DATE: 2010-08-01 14:24:17

The very first initiative of art is inspiration, which is considered as personal emotion while of little combination with society. Indeed, when we come to the discussion of art, the first thing pop out is beauty and grace, which has no common places with the society, which in the view of the majority, is full of dread reality. There are even some people such as rock fans, take art as a way to escape from the real world. [这三句其实就是一个意思，如果你要用第二句来illustrate上句，需要用更像例子的例子，或者更鲜活的情景。总体而言，可以大大精炼] However, we should not lose sight of the fact that, art comes from the society and in return, feed back [完全没有这样的简易用法，还是写完it reveals…比较好]. It reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society, and beauty takes only part of it.
[总体而言，这段太显冗长，没有必要在总起段就开始论述，其实其中很多观点与下段是有重复的。]

We can seldom peel art off from the society. Artists, the creators of art, [这个插入语显然没有必要] cannot escape from the role as human beings, whose existence relies on society. Then, in a similar way, the emotion of human relies on, and is also contained in, the society where he lives as well. Thus the emotion of them, which is universal and widespread in the public, reflects and reveals the impulses of the society. [这句用which这样“说明性”的句式来表达其实需要论证的观点是不明智的，会让人感觉这个说法没有支撑] While what distinguishes artists from ordinary people is that, they are more sensitive and creative, have the inner desire to express, and can convert their inside world in an artic way. For example, the Chinese landscaping painting, represent the harmony and beauty in the nature, which is the pursue [能理解本意是“全人类共同的追求”，但是，英语没这么说的，改用the ultimate goal好了] of all human kind; the famous Wedding Song, composed by great musician Mendelssohn, evoke the love and happy in the soul of each one. One reason why most articles seems has no relationship with society at first glance may be that, the artist handle their feeling in an abstractive way, we need to feel them whole-heartedly (in order to find the relation lies in art and society). [这句有让步的意思，但比较空穴来风，建议先说，有些人可能觉得，再说其实，这样逻辑比较顺]
[这段很明显的问题是句子太绕，充满了各种逗号，考场上很难不出错的]

The society is complicated, and as a reflection of the society, art also has its diversity. The diversity shows not only in the variety of the art form, but also of the points [points在这里用得“掉价”啊，尤其是纵观全文你其实用了不少难词，这里居然用了个非常勉强的points，换用connotations，或者简单点造个inner meanings也比points好哇，搞不好外国人根本看不懂在这里points指啥捏], which is not always pleasing, one article [为什么这里限制在article？应该是art work之类的吧] wants to convey. Life is beauty. [beautiful吧，除非你想说“生活是个美人”] One emotion picture depicts a father tried to save his son in the Nazi's concentration camp. We could observe a lot, both sorrow and happy from it: the cruelty of the Nazis, the misery of the Jews, more important, the wisdom and greatness [总觉得greatness不是很合用在这里] of a father, the beauty of love, and the longing of peace.
[这段很明显地与上段缺乏逻辑关系。]

Involving the impulses of a society, the art could also urge people to discover, to sense, to think of the society, and then, to act. The International song, calls on people to arm for their right and the world's peace. The Terror of a war, in which a nude Vietnam girl with her arms open, crying and running in great scare. [语法明显有问题，没有谓语和宾语，不知道你要表达什么没办法改] The 1972 Pulitzer Photograph shocked all the Americans across the Pacific Ocean, who almost became numb with the endless war. Immediately, a new surge against the war formed, which served as one catalyst in ending the Vietnam War six months earlier [这个时间状语表意不清，不如去掉]. In this extent [To this extent才对], art has the function and the responsibility in leading the public.

Although seems as a privy activity, art is a reflection of its society, it reveals not only the beauty, but also the evils and guide people to fell [fell? Follow? 怎么看都不明白你的本意，总之换个词] and act.

雨馨UID：2765070

ISSUE 236

"Encouraging young people to believe that they can accomplish great things if they try hard enough is both misleading and potentially harmful."

-----------------------------

How young people are educated has large impact on their future life. Giving them hope and teaching them to try their best are of the most important thing to do in guiding youngsters. Therefore, I could not agree with the statement.

The claim stated above is based on a doubtable assumption that young people cannot accomplish great things even if they try hard enough. What exactly are the great things? Do they have to be like leading the people and winning the Independent War or like revealing the theory of relativity? I do not think so. People could define great things according their own needs and situations. A shopkeeper may regard raising his/her profits as a great thing; a student may regard getting a full score as a great thing; a doctor may regard doing a successful operation as a great thing. There are so many short-term goals and reachable progresses that people should not neglect in their daily life. To this extent, great things are apparently accomplishable by hard working.

Then, when it comes to the great things that seem beyond a youngster's ability, shall we tell him or her to give up and stop trying? In my opinion, young people have large potentialities in regardless of how much or how little talent they have. Chien Wei-zang, the famous physicist and applied mathematician of China, got only five out of a hundred points in his entrance examination of Tsinghua University. Shortly after he was admitted to major in history, the Japanese army started to attack North China. Chiang Kai-shek, the president at the time, asked the Chinese army to give up defending because Chinese people had no advanced weapons to defeat the enemy. Hearing the news, Chien felt angry. He thought if China need new weapons, he would devote himself to invent them. Therefore, he begged the professors for a week and got transferred to the department of physics. It was a harsh time but Chien did not give up. He went to the library at 5 a.m. everyday and tried every method to comprehend formulas and theorems. By the time he graduated, he was a top student of the whole class. According to the common sense, Chien could have been considered as a hopeless student in physics. However, he succeeded due to his faith and efforts. Nothing is impossible when a young man devotes himself to his dream.

However, there are a few people tried everything they could and worked as hard as they can but failed time and time again. Are we misleading them and harming them by telling them everything is possible in their early years? Firstly, they may finally achieve success one day because they still have the chance. Secondly, their life become more meaningful as they are chasing their life goal. Thirdly, when they look back to their life, they would feel not shame but released. Therefore, even among those who cannot accomplish great things, the encouragement is still helpful.

Furthermore, if we take a look into the real reason that prevents youngsters from achieving great things and living a happy life, we will find that it might be the lack of such encouragement. As stated before, young people have large potential energies. Even so, they would never be activated if their owners do not know their existence. Imagine if Chien's professor kept telling him that he was hopeless and refused his application of transferring to the department of physics, would he discover his inner ability to master elasticity mechanics and applied mathematics? Probably not. And it might be a great loss of both Chien himself and China.

From discussed above, the quoted claim highly overrates the great things in people's life and largely underestimates the potential abilities lies in the youngsters. Instead of the encouragement the claim refutes, it is the claim itself that may both mislead and potentially harm the next generation.

tracyrongyiUID：2842378

占位改188 188# 雨馨

tracyrongyiUID：2842378

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1131605-1-1.html
之前搞错位置了 不好意思
红笔是我自己改的 给我自己看的 189# tracyrongyi

tracyrongyiUID：2842378

How young people are educated has large impact on their future life. Giving them hope and teaching them to try their best are of the most important thing to do in guiding youngsters. Therefore, I could not agree with the statement.

The claim stated above is based on a doubtable assumption假设不都是值得怀疑的吗 that young people cannot accomplish great things even if they try hard enough. What exactly are the great things? Do they have to be like leading the people and winning the Independent War or like revealing the theory of relativity? I do not think so. People could define great things according to their own needs and situations. A shopkeeper may regard raising his/her profits as a great thing; a student may regard getting a full score as a great thing; a doctor may regard doing a successful operation as a great thing. There are so many short-term goals and reachable progresses that people should not neglect in their daily life. To this extent, great things are apparently accomplishable by hard working.

Then, when it comes to the great things that seem beyond a youngster's ability, shall we tell him or her to give up and stop trying? In my opinion, young people have large potentialities in regardless of how much or how little talent they have. in可以省掉把Chien Wei-zang, the famous physicist and applied mathematician of China, got only five out of a hundred points in his entrance examination of Tsinghua University. Shortly after he was admitted to majoradmit to 后面跟major a little wierd in history, the Japanese army started to attack North China. Chiang Kai-shek, the president at the time, asked the Chinese army to give up defending because Chinese people had no advanced weapons to defeat the enemy. Hearing the news, Chien felt angry. He thought if China need new weapons, he would devote himself to invent them. Therefore, he begged the professors for a week and got transferred to the department of physics. It was a harsh time but Chien did not give up. He went to the library at 5 a.m. everyday and tried every method to comprehend formulas and theorems. By the time he graduated, he was a top student of the whole class. According to the common sense, Chien could have been considered as a hopeless student in physics. However, he succeeded due to his faith and efforts. Nothing is impossible when a young man devotes himself to his dream.

However, there are a few people tried everything they could and worked as hard as they can but failed time and time again. Are we misleading them and harming them by telling them everything is possible in their early years? Firstly, they may finally achieve success one day because they still have the chance. Secondly, their life become more meaningful as they are chasing their life goal. Thirdly, when they look back to their life, they would feel not shame but released. Therefore, even among those who cannot accomplish great things, the encouragement is still helpful.

Furthermore, if we take a look into the real reason that prevents youngsters from achieving great things and living a happy life, we will find that it might be the lack of such encouragement. As stated before, young people have large potential energies. Even so, they would never be activated if their owners do not know their existence. Imagine if Chien's professor kept telling him that he was hopeless and refused his application of transferring to the department of physics, would he discover his inner ability to master elasticity mechanics and applied mathematics? Probably not. And it might be a great loss of both Chien himself and China.

From discussed above, the quoted claim highly overrates the great things in people's life and largely underestimates the potential abilities lies in the youngsters. Instead of the encouragement the claim refutes, it is the claim itself that may both mislead and potentially harm the next generation.

通篇看完感觉很流畅 逻辑也很清楚 例子比较有贯穿力
不过我不知道ets的标准，词汇略显苍白，因此整篇文章都很plain 没有很大的亮点
但是能读得舒服的已经很不错了  至少我自己做不到 189# tracyrongyi

tracyrongyiUID：2842378

我知道要改了才可以发 而我刚才已经发过了 只是今天又写了一篇 所以想发给大家拍 我自己占下面的一个改的好啦 这样就不失公平了
TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."

To satisfy any appetite and palate is an ideal goal of education, though instrumental to students in some degree, it lacks sound grounding when putting into practice.

A specialized education with students' needs and interests met would undoubtedly enhance
quality of instruction. Education, with its utmost purpose, is to instill desire and motivation in students, so as to cultivate self-stimulation and institution. Whereas interests, the best teacher, intrigue inspiration, invoke enthusiasm, elevate gut when people are affronted with obstacles and hurdles. For instance, Stephen Hawking, the well-known scientist on Cosmo physics, suffered from ALS( Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis), an incurable disease, but he never surrendered his research on black hole and relativistic which sever as his lifelong interests and shed great light upon
his way ahead. Therefore, the power of interest cannot be dwarfed, especially in the education circle.

However, it is impossible to design a case-by-case catering atmosphere. Financial factors should be given priority when considering its feasibility. Although nearly all nations have realized the impetus and significance of education, the ultimate and tangible fees available for each school is quite limited. Multifarious interests and needs require enormous facilities and faculties, a big expense on school's bursar (zhangben), which may easily exceed the budget. Second, it needs to meditate the reasonability of students’ claim. we should not blindly promote the burgeoning of any interest, say, if students want PC games, claiming they are curious about game design then the school is responsible for an amusement center and encouraging students devote themselves in it day and night? There is no denying that some computer-savvy do develop screntiquity(xinyingdexiangfa) and creativity through playing PC games, but the number is handful, whereas the rest are addicted and ignore their academic tasks.

Third, granted all needs and interests are satisfied, no one can guarantee the efficiency of education. On the one hand, not every student is clear about himself/herself at a tender age. Interest, not come into being with a flesh, calls for precipitation with time and life experience. It is no exaggeration to say someone may not find any interest until his last moment. As fledglings, students are not fully-blown both mental and psychological, some may confuse interest with gung-ho or anything else. Then, schools should discern about that and cannot sequacously follow
students' voice. On the other hand, people are greedy, the same goes for students. With one pocket filled, he wants the same with another. Take the PC game again, when schools allow for an amusement center , then claims about hacking, terrorism may followed by the so-called “game design”,
which is an abysmal for both school and students.

Another focus should be fixed on standards of efficient education. Excellent papers, prestigious schools, decant professions and etc, all are superficial benchmarks of an effective education. I think the kernel lies in inculcating methods, stimulating interest and arming brains, with every student gains, no matter trivial or tremendous. And the intrinsic goal can be met by creating a fairy good environment covers everyone, intertwined with the school culture, thus student would be influenced and nurtured..


In conclusion, although individual caring and satisfaction may have its effect, it can hardly be put into practice. And an overall active, penchant-to-learn surrounding is more conducive to education as students are interacted in a reciprocal manner.

My comment
还是不会写开头和结尾 该怎么写呢 急急急
词汇匮乏 需要 need require call for
满足 satisfy meet cater to accommodate
教育 education academic school 还有呢 这些都是四级词汇 没新意 而且用的太频繁了  红笔是我自己改的 给自己复习时看到
191# tracyrongyi

hi_logiUID：2296117

菜鸟先占座

1.修改贴.


为啥我觉得上面的是已经改过了的啊???

hi_logiUID：2296117

再占座.

2.自己的.真是不好意思.第一次写...没办法.但是不是意味着进步空间很大啊?


TOPIC: ISSUE37 - "In most societies, competition generally has more of a negative than a positive effect."
WORDS: 388
TIME: 01:50:40
DATE: 2010/8/2 0:07:32

It has been long known that in this era of information and technology,the majority of people are gradually become forced to encounter various opportunities as well as challenges which made it more often for peoples,companyies,enterprises and also factories to face competitions with each other.Therefore it comes no surprise to discover the reality that controversaries arouse of two contradicting opinions held by those who consider competitions as opportunities and those who stands on the opposite side.
There exists,as no one may doubt,that countless entities everyday fighting for ,even a little bit,more chance to enlarge their conpetence in order to obtain a brighter future. Adolf Hitler once said(as I paraphased):A solider who is not looking forward to be a sergeant is never to be a good one.Every single person on earth have the eagerness to strive for a better position in the enviroment he or she lives.Thus competition tend to be unavoidable and necessary for the whole social enviroment.It may easily drw us a conclusion from some highly competitive nationalized and prosperious cities as Tokyo in Japan,New York City in USA and Shanghai in China that consumers are enjoying an increasing number of commodities,luxuries,digital products as well as various kinds of services the city provides at high qualities and unbelievable relatively low prices.Meanwhile,competitions among companies are the most effective ways to prevent monopolies to be formed and what's more worth to consider is that as long as several enterprises compete against each other,they tend to need more staffs to enlarge the power of their own.That's to say,on the other hand,competition lowers the unemployment rate which consequently leads to an increase in consumer price index that reflects the average standard of living.
Admittedly,dispite the fact that competition itself contributes a lot in stablizing the whole society.It still bring about one or more problems that remain unsolved.Thins begin to come out of the water when wo focuse on the other aspect that some side effects of competition that can hardly be neglected.Dishonesty and shrinking profit may be the two major and foremost issue to wait for our viable solutions.
To cut a long story short,as optimism to vast majority of people,what invariably happens is competition do from time to time act as a positive signal to most of the contemporary societies so long as we tackle with the two opposite sides properly.


自己的评价..
开头还勉强有点感觉...结尾很没头绪
.乱写了...而且字数只有400。..(随便加一点就是了.但是400还是远远不够吧?这种字数.....很担心)
body的话感觉1.遣词功夫不到家   2.本来高考作文这样的形式就不是很在行...所以觉得论据还是不够充分.而且老师教的A,B,C结构还不能熟练运用.
请深拍.需要拍死...

ljz1990UID：2837432

187# 雨馨

非常感谢雨馨，恩！
首先是一些基本问题，多谢提醒！第一次用AWP，而且最近Word坏了用的wps，我有点搞不清它的检错功能，一会有一会没有的。让你看着辛苦了，嘿嘿抱歉啊~
然后是otherwise，你这么一说我才反应过来，我和otherwise有宿怨。。。。。。（念。。。。）一直没搞清为什么要多了一个otherwise，看了翻译也就没多想了。我晕~~~承认错误。。。。恩这样其实又是一条思路呢。。。。今天先不弄了，收着慢慢研究……
还有，第一次发帖，忘了把提纲列上来抱歉哦。你说的社会有复杂性……这一段，我其实是想说艺术的复杂性。因为第二段说了艺术其实是来源于社会的，后面就说因为社会是复杂的，因为艺术来源于社会，所以艺术也因此具有复杂性，不仅有好的一面还有坏的一面。接着一段是说艺术可以促使人们去感受思考这个社会，并且可以引导大众。这两点其实是艺术来源于社会的一个体现和一个反馈。我觉得挺顺的所以就这样写了。。。。额。。。。不知道写成中文你觉得顺一点否？
不过不管怎样这篇要大改了  先睡觉  明天继续奋斗 呵呵~