sunshineatnoon的六月作文练习帖

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

英语学习背景：
四级585，六级575.
BEC商务英语中级B。
写作一直是硬伤。

授权声明：
本人为寄托ID sunshineatnoon的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

下一次考G时间：7.12

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

作文电梯楼：
3楼 6月3日ISSUE 62
[已点评]［已列出新提纲］
8楼 6月4日Argument 14
[已点评] [已修改]
10楼 6月8日ISSUE 113
[已点评]
11楼 6月9日Argument 78
[已点评] [已修改]
13楼 6月11日 issue33
[已点评]
14楼 6月13日argument33
[已点评]
15楼 6月15日issue65
[已点评]
16楼 6月16日argument15
[已点评]

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月3日 ISSUE62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

第一次写ISSUE作文，没算时间，写了将近一个小时，各种查字典，坑坑巴巴的写完了，希望指正。

总结下具体的困难：
1.人物的故事不清晰，比如Roosevelt一开始不会写，说明自己素材积累不够。
2.词组不会写，比如“赋予使命”，“脱颖而出”等，都需要查字典才写的出来。

   “The times produce their heroes.” As an old saying remarked. Granted, lots of leaders were produced to fulfill the demands of their times. Feminist movements, civil rights movements or even wars have created numerous great leaders. However, the qualities inside these leaders are of equal importance. Wisdom, efforts and creativity are all indispensable characteristics of successful leaders.


我对这种汉语反过来的句子很怀疑  非常不建议用
谷歌这句话 头几页都是中文的网页或者China Daily

从主旨句来看 你的思路基本还是先肯定 然后再否定 这种套路会导致自相矛盾的观点
如果你说A很重要 B也很重要 那么对于原命题你的立场到底是什么呢  
因此我建议这类题要分情况讨论 可以防止自相矛盾的情况  


  It is universally acknowledged that the demands of times play an important role in many successful leaders’ lives. The area they existed provided them a stage to exhibit their talents and fulfill their ambitions. However gifted a person is, if there was no opportunities to display the talent, this person may remain obscure all his or her life. Taking Roosevelt for example, he was elected president during the great depression in 1932. To accomplish his missions of bringing recovery to business and agriculture, he adopted a series reform measures and succeeded in recovering the economy and bring relief to those in danger of losing farms and homes. Furthermore, he was re-elected and successfully led American win the World War II. Neither the great depression nor the war was an advantage during his political career, but in a retrospective view, it is these outer conditions that provided a stage for him to show his great talent in policy and military.

原题说的是created by demand 你这段似乎没有明确回应这个说法 只说demand play important roles
但是你后面的内容似乎也没有说出demand究竟扮演了什么重要角色
甚至全段看不到demand这个词  
因此这段基本废掉了  


  Nonetheless, no matter how important these demands are, it is these leaders’ own efforts and courage that made them stand out of their peers. Just as an old saying puts: “God helps those who helps themselves”. For instance, Chairman        Mao Zedong was given the mission to help Chinese people to win the war of aggression and regain their freedom. Because of the chaotic and poverty domestic, he has overcome unimaginable difficulties such as disease, lack of weapons as well as attacks from powerful enemies. Was it not for his efforts and courage, he couldn’t become a great leader and win the war.

GRE作文里最好不要提Mao 在西方人眼里 Mao是和Stalin Hitler 并列的人物  

而且这段和demand的关系是什么  
你竟然只字未提demand  


  What’s more, great leaders also possess special talent comparing to their contemporaries. For example, Mark Zuckerburg, the founder and CEO of a popular social network, is also a genius programmer dropped out from Harvard. It is true that the rapidly developing technology in computer science created people’s demands of online communication. However, it is his talent that enable him to build a prototype of Facebook in a short time and occupy markets.

问题同上
由于你用了这种正反论证的套路 导致全篇基本偏题

既然你参加我的小组 就请首先把我的博客通读一遍  搞清楚1+3模型  
这个方法肯定不是唯一可行的方法 不过跟我学就得用这个

  In conclusion, demands placed on leaders do play an important role in their success, but inner qualities such as talent and efforts play an equal significant role as outer conditions.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-3 15:56
6月3日 ISSUE62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

欢迎楼主加入 如果打算长期练习可加我微信 同寄托ID  

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-3 18:12
欢迎楼主加入 如果打算长期练习可加我微信 同寄托ID

已加

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-3 15:56
6月3日 ISSUE62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

已点评

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-3 18:12
欢迎楼主加入 如果打算长期练习可加我微信 同寄托ID

老师的建议非常中肯，参见了老师的思路和范文，列出如下提纲，希望老师指正：

Are leaders created by the demands placed on them? It is true that demands play an important role in successful leaders, but inner qualities and expertise are the decisive factors that create a leader.

Throughout history, although demands provide a stage to exhibit their talents, it is the similar inner qualities such as wisdom, courage and firm determination to fulfill specific demands that make them leaders. 特别在政界，领导是由选举产生的，那么就要求leader拥有geat charm of personalities.For instance, 罗斯福成为4届总统是因为他非凡的政治才能，成功复苏美国经济，带领美国赢得二战，而不是demands。所以demands只是给了他展示的舞台，而inner qualities rather than demands使得罗斯福成为leader。

Furthermore, in fields such as academy or medical filed, leaders also need years of training to acquire enough skills and experiences to become a leader rather than demands placed on them. 举例，带领科研小组的leader需要在某个领域研究数十年积累经验后才能成为leader带领团队,他们被选为leader的原因在于他们的博学和经验，而不是demands。再举例，医疗团队的leader也是由技艺精湛程度和经验决定的.

In conclusion, demands have an significant impact on leaders, but it is their inner qualities and expertise that help them stand out of their peers and become leaders.

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

14)A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

以后发习作一定要抄题


列出结论：
if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
列出论据：
（1）showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms
（2）Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth.

题型：assumption类
用时：1个小时

According to the article, companies should only hire people who sleep less than 6 hours per night due to a study conducted among 300 advertising executives. The study shows that firms whose executives sleep less are more profitable and prosperous. To assess the argument, we need to examine critically a number of assumptions about the generalizability of the finding, the validation of the relation between sleep and performance as well as the long-term feasibility of this suggestion.

universality of the study 这个说法有问题
应该是generalizability of the finding 可能好些  


First and foremost, the generalizability of this survey assumed这个后置用得有些风险 may not be valid 搭配 . The survey was conducted among 300 advertising executives. However, executives may have to sacrifice their sleep hours to deal with more complicated tasks. Thus the argument may be weaken if it assumes that the situation of executives is similar to other staff even in the same firm. Furthermore, even if it is practical to take equal consideration among people at different positions, there is no proof showing that the 6-hour measurement also applies to other industries such as IT or finance.

compared to ordinary employees表达 和前面的部分不配合  
the threshold is proper什么意思
it is not reasonable to assume 这个说法大错  题目不是要你判断assumption对不对而是要你指出有哪些assumption 以及如果不对会对argument造成什么影响  


In addition, the study assumes that few sleep hours is the main reason that bring these executives success. However, in reality, there maybe many more explanations other than sleep hours for these executives’ excellent performance. For instance, the structure of these prosperous firms maybe more rational than other firms so that it is easier for an executive to achieve success there. Or maybe the welfare in these prosperous firms is better so that an executive in these firms can hire more outstanding staff than other firms. There are numerous reasons besides less sleep hours that can account for an executive's outstanding, taking only sleep hours into consideration is not comprehensive.

While in reality,不能这样开头  
prosper firms词性  
the institutions of these prosper firms maybe more rational什么意思
There can be numerous reasons besides sleep hours make句型错误  



Last but not least, the study made an assumption that executives who sleep less can be successful in the long run. Nonetheless, there is no evidence about how the small amount of sleep would influence an employee’s performance. It may be harmful to one's memory and attention. Within the article, the author didn’t give the time period of which the survey was conducted, so it is hasty to assume that long-term of less sleep hours can always be beneficial.

这个Point作为三个main points之一 我觉得不太合适  
chronic sleep depravation 这个说法是不符合题意的 题目说的是这些人不需要睡那么久 既然不需要 何来deprivation

我建议你不要以为这道题看起来好写 就自己拍脑袋写 练习的前5篇issue 和argument最好跟范文的思路和表达来写  


In conclusion, it is not practical to suggest companies to only hire people who sleep less than 6 hours per night. The assumptions listed above need to be carefully checked before reasonable suggestion about employ policy can be made from this study.   

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-3 22:28
已点评

谢谢老师批改，已对argument14进行相应修改。

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

表格粘贴过来格式就乱了，也不知道什么情况。只能用括号了:L
用时：45分钟
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.        
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  
提纲：
（1）定义great nation
（2）反对reason，指出welfare不是一个可靠的indicator。（想举瑞士在二战中立和倒卖军火地例子，但怕被打，感觉这段不好举反例，只能说原因了。）国家可能地广人稀，资源丰富，人民福利好。却没有对世界以及人类的发展做出巨大的贡献。
（3）反对claim，举例achievements of its elites are better indicators。比如古埃及，古中国，人民受到奴役，但仍然对世界有很大贡献。
（4）总结

遇到的难点就是反对reason的时候没有想到合适的例子，即福利好但对世界没有贡献的国家，而且觉得举返例是不是有风险。
欢迎老师和童鞋们指正。

What is a great nation? A great nation is not only prosperous in economy, democratic in policy and affluence in culture, but more significantly, it has important positive contributions to the development of mankind.(定义great nation) Given this understanding of great nation, I don’t agree with the reason statement that the welfare of all its people is a reliable indicator of a great nation.(不同意reason) And I will also discuss examples of great nations where the achievements of its rulers, artists or other elites is a better indicator.(不同意claim)
下定义是不错的策略 但是不能用这么肯定的语气 毕竟只是一家之言  看来你也需要学习hedging  
  Hyland, K. (1996). Writing without conviction? Hedging in science research articles. Applied Linguistics, 17(4), 433–454.
I will also discuss examples- 这个句型不错 有点signposting的味道  




    It is true that people’s welfare plays an important role in the identification of great nations, but it’s not a reliable indicator of great nations.(分论点1主旨句) It is possible that these nations have abundant natural resources as well as relatively less people to feed.(论据主旨句) Governments in these nations are generous to spend money made from exploiting and exporting its resources.(论据展开句1) However, these nations cannot be called as great nations unless they have made significant contributions to the progress of mankind. (论据展开句2)Furthermore, it may even do harm to our overall environment by overly exploit its non-renewable resources.(论据展开句3) Based on the discussions above, welfare of people in a nation may not be a reliable to identify whether a nation is great.(总结分论点1)


主题句前半句的让步很夹生  你在后面也没有具体回应前半句  
less- fewer
这个中间段写得不错  
尤其是furthermore这个点很好
就是主题句前半段可以直接删掉 你是不是觉得不写个让步就不舒服啊




    However, from both modern and historical views, a nation where its rulers, scientists or other elites have accomplished great achievements that can be beneficial to the whole world should be identified as a great nation.(反对claim主旨句) For instance, from a retrospective view, Ancient Egypt and Ancient China are all great nations. (举例古埃及和古中国)The rulers of these two countries provided the world abundant records and documents of their thoughts about policy and military which is still useful for reference now. Also, the scientists have accomplished groundbreaking achievements to build the foundations of modern science and the artists have left us affluence artworks such as beautiful paintings and poems.(详细描述它们对世界文明的贡献) However, both Ancient Egypt and Ancient China were actually centralized bureaucratic countries where all the wealth was controlled by few people while most people consistently suffered from poverty, wars and diseases.(指出这两个国家人民福利并不好) In modern society, there are also nations where people’s welfare is good while it plays little role from an international view.(回应主旨句中的modern view) From this point of view, achievements of a nation’s elites are better indicators than the welfare of people when identifying whether this nation is great.(总结分论点2)

view- perspective  
provided the world abundant records and documents 这个表达和前面的主语放在一起不合适  
后面现代社会展开不够好  似乎没有写现代社会的成就  
感觉这一段还是分成两段来写比较好吧  


    In conclusion, people may have different definitions when it comes ot great nations.(让步，指出可能有其他great nation定义) However, if great nations are identified by its contributions to the development of mankind and progress of history. Then the welfare of a nation’s people may not be a reliable indicator while its elites’ achievements are better indicators when identify whether a nation is a great one.(总结个人观点)

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月9日 Argument78

The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.

"Recently, we signed a contract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest control services at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discovered that over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage. Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years, continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000 worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even though the price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of saving money is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

提纲：
1)        需要两间仓库的详细情况：仓库所储藏的食物总价值，仓库的害虫情况（数目，种类，处理难易程度）
2)        需要两间公司的价格详情， F比B便宜的价格和损失的食物的价格相比如何。
3)        需要两间公司的服务详情，比如工作效率，仓库因除虫造成的损失，需要多少人员配合等。

用时：45分钟

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
According to the memo of the vice president, the food company’s warehouse in Palm City, which contracted with Fly-Away has over $20000 worth of food damaged due to pest last month.	描述Palm City的情况
Meanwhile, their warehouse in Wintervale which used Buzzoff for pest control service has only $10000 worth of food damaged by pest.	描述Wintervale 的情况
So, the food distribution company should return to Buzzoff for their pest control services.	argument的结论	我觉得你开头三句话太啰嗦了 考场上把时间花在写这些上面是很不划算的  要尝试一句话将结论和论据概括出来
In order to assess the argument above, we need more evidence about the conditions in two warehouses, details of price and services of these two pest control companies.	文章主旨句，要考虑的evidence
First and foremost, it is hasty to come to a conclusion that Buzzoff did a better job than Fly-away without detailed information about the two warehouses.	第一个evidence
For instance, it is possible that warehouse in Palm City actually had less percentage of food damaged by pest because it stores food worth more than warehouse in Wintervale.	展开第一个evidence	你这句话就和上句衔接不上了  上面说的是仓库的资料 这句写的确实食物损失的比例 其实这个点是成立的 但是和主题句不吻合 就会影响整段的质量了
What’s more, the amount and kinds of pest should also be taken into consideration since warehouse in Palm City may has more pest and harder to deal with.	继续展开	这句又在讲害虫 这让主题句情何以堪啊  主题句就是一个承诺 告诉读者后面要说的内容 结果你第二、三句都不兑现承诺 读者会很郁闷的
So in order to compare losses caused by pest in these two warehouses, more detailed information about them is needed.	第一个evidence总结
Secondly, it is inaccurate to decide that return to Buzzoff will cost less since there is no detailed information about the price charged by these two companies.	第二个evidence	另外我发现你的两个主题句都用了hasty inaccurate这类负面的字眼 这是一种老G思维 新G不能假定论证是不成立的	that return to Buzzoff will cost less句子结构
Though loss at warehouse of Wintervale is $10000 less than loss at warehouse of Palm City, it is possible that Fly-away is more than $10000 cheaper than Buzzoff.	展开第二个evidence
Under this circumstance, cooperating with Fly-away may bring more profit than cooperating with Buzzoff.	继续展开
Without specific difference of the price charged by these two companies, it is hard for us to make an accurate comparison.	总结第二个evidence	这段写的可以
Last but not least, the service quality and efficiency should also be carefully examined to decide which company is better.	第三个evidence
For instance, the price of human resources from the warehouse needed to cooperate with the company and the loss caused by the pest control service of these two companies should be checked.	第三个evidence具体要考虑的情况	你这段好短 就两句话？	needed to cooperate with the company and the loss caused句子结构
In conclusion, in order to make accurate assessment of the two pest control companies, we need more information of conditions in the two warehouses and details of price and service of the two companies.	总结
Only with this comprehensive information can we make detailed and accurate comparison of the two companies and decide which one is better to choose.	总结

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

argument78修改：
开头修改：According to the memo, the food distribution company should return to Buzzoff for their pest control services rather than Fly-away in order to reduce food loss caused by pest.
第一个evidence部分修改：
First and foremost, we need to check detailed information about the two warehouses before coming to a conclusion that Buzzoff did a better job than Fly-away. For instance, we need to check the total value of food stored in the two warehouses do determine the percentage of food damaged rather than total value of food damaged by pest. It is possible that warehouse in Palm City actually had less percentage of food damaged because it stores food worth more than warehouse in Wintervale.
关于第二个害虫，我觉得害虫算是仓库的condition之一呀，所以和主题句是相符的。
第二段主题句修改：Secondly, information about the price charged by these two companies should also be taken into consideration to decide wether returning to Buzzoff will cost less.
第三段修改：For instance, the number of workers in the warehouse needed to cooperate with the company and the loss caused by the pest control service should be checked. Pest Control Service from Buzzoff may require more workers participating or contaminate more food due to undeveloped technology.

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月11日 issue33
As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

用时：30min
之前想例子，写提纲，查资料花了近一个小时
我觉得这样很好 符合ETS的意图 即提前准备 但是限时写作

思路：分普通人和科学家讨论
对于普通人，分知识帮助人类认识自然（1）和认识自己（2）讨论
对于科学家，更多的知识可能带来更多的问题（3）

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
People have been making great efforts to acquire more knowledge since ancient times.	引子
However, do more knowledge make our understanding of nature more comprehensible or more mysterious? The answer to this question varies from person to person.	指出分情况讨论		does
For ordinary people, knowledge has provided more reliable and clear understanding of the world we live in.	对于普通人		provide understanding搭配
Nonetheless when it comes to scientists, more knowledge may actually give rise to more complex questions.	对于科学家		when it comes to scientists用的不错
To mundane people, knowledge provides reliable and powerful explanations to natural phenomenon.	第一段主旨句		mundane people? 搭配
In ancient times, people's understandings towards the world are limited so that they used to use bizarre theories or even superstitions to explain natural phenomenon.	人类以前愚昧	哈哈 五十步笑百步？
Taking solar eclipse for instance, at time when astronomy is underdeveloped, people have great fear towards eclipse and took it as an omen of great disasters.
Chinese people even used to think eclipse is caused by a dog eating the sun.	日食说明知识对人类认识自然的影响	O(∩_∩)O哈哈~	was caused
However, with more astronomical knowledge now, human beings know that eclipse is nothing more than a normal astronomical phenomenon.	后面最好加一句generalization
Furthermore, more knowledge helps human beings have more comprehensible understandings towards ourselves.	第二段主旨句，还是对于普通人	主题题目是things 我们人自己不是things 很遗憾这个点不切题 或许可以改成 human behaviours 应该算things？ 而且你这里并不是针对ordinary people 没有准确回应主旨句
For example, Mendal's experiments on pea hybridization and other groundbreaking studies on genes give us clearer understanding of how our own features go down from generation to generation.	遗传学使我们更好的认识自己
It also brings more insightful thoughts about hereditary diseases and methods to treat or prevent them.
What's more, studies on psychology give rise to more comprehend about our mental world and behaviors.	心理学使我们更好的认识自己
People nowadays have deeper understandings about their emotions and effective methods to express and control them.
However, when it comes to scientists, more knowledge may actually gives rise to more questions since the knowledge built by science is open to question and revision.	第二段主旨句
Scientists are constantly seeking new evidences which could reveal problems with our current theories.	科学是不断质疑的		reveal problems？  challenge our curent theories
For instance, the development of astronomy has brought us a brand new world of outer space, however, instead of answering our questions about the universe, it actually brings more questions.		这里的知识是什么？	however前后断句
Are there aliens? How does the universe came into being? These are all questions brought by the discoveries of outer space and we not yet have answers to.	以外星世界的发现为例
In conclusion, whether more knowledge brings more comprehensible understandings or more mysteries depends on a case-by-case discussion.	总结
For ordinary people, more knowledge indeed provides more information about both nature and ourselves, but for scientists, more knowledge may give rise to more mysterious questions.	总结

可能在具体设立分论点和想例子的时候要严格的结合题目的关键词来讨论  

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月13日 argument33
The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.        

Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades, food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia.        

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

用时：30分钟
写的有点短了，只有379个词。自己在语言表达方面还是有长的路要赶T^T
思路：
（1）检验是否salicylates真的能缓解头痛，是否有其他影响
（2）food companies是否真的采用salicylates作为添加剂。
（3）Mentia的居民是否真的愿意买含有salicylates作为调味剂的食物。
做表格可以先在Excel里做 然后粘贴过来

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
According to the argument, number of headaches suffered by the citizens of Mentia will decline due to a potential new use of salicylates as flavor additives.	总结argument
In order to evaluate the argument, we need to examine assumptions about the relation between salicylates and headaches, the possibility of using salicylates as flavor additives and the potential popularity of food including salicylates.	提出需要检验的三个assumptions	感觉有些切入点漏掉了 请比对我的范文
It is assumed in the argument that salicylates have a positive impact on the relief of headaches based on a twenty-year study.	指出第一个假设
So we need to carefully check the relations between salicylates and headaches to determine whether salicylates can truly relief headaches.	第一个假设需要检验地方	relieve
It is possible that participants who reported decline in number of headaches changed their diet or adopted healthier schedules.	其他可能1
Furthermore, other medicines such as aspirin may account for the reduce of headaches too.	其他可能2	reduction
Therefore, changes in popularity and availability of these medicines have to be taken into considerations.	需要检验aspirin的使用情况
If positive correlations between salicylates and the decline in the number of headaches can't be proved to be positive, then using salicylates as food additives may not reduce the number of headaches.	如果这个假设不成立对argument的影响	不懂你前半句的意思
Another assumption need to be examined is the possibility of using salicylates as flavor additives by food companies.	指出第二个假设	that needs to ... possibility不是assumption 搭配有问题
The argument above assumes that food companies will indeed adopt additives as food additives.	指出第二个假设
However, there is no proof of food companies being able to get permissions from governments to use salicylates as additives.	其他可能1
What's more, there might be alternative additives which is more profitable than salicylates so that food companies won’t choose to use salicylates.	其他可能2	more cost-effective
Without strong indicates that food companies will indeed adopt salicylates, reduce in the number of headaches can’t be expected even salicylates can relieve headaches.	若该假设不成立对argument的影响	indicating 你的语法令人捉急啊 reduction
Another assumption unstated but used by the argument is that customers in Mentia will actually accept food with salicylates as additives.	第三个假设	flavor additives
This assumption needs to be checked since residents in Mentia may prefer more natural food to food with additives.	其他可能性1
Without the acceptance of customers, food with salicylates may not become a popular choice so that no significant impact of salicylates on headaches can be expected.	如果假设不成立
In conclusion, whether a decline in the number of headaches can be expected depends on assumptions illustrated above.	总结
They need to be critically examined before accurate assessment can be made of this argument.	总结

总的来说写的还可以
请参照范文检查哪些切入点错漏
语言表达要加强 请往句子加油站

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月15日  issue 65
这个星期太忙了，前面的订正只能到端午再补了。
65) Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

用时：30分钟
基本思路：不同意claim
（1）人们遵守法律才能保障法律的顺利实施。
（2）法律的公平性不能由个人判断。
（3）对于不公平的法律，要通过特定的程序改变，而且要慎重。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
As far as I can see, I don’t agree with the claim above	自己的观点		这个表达有重复
Laws are the most important prerequisite of a society’s stability
Without the obedience of people that the laws are enforced upon, a society cannot be expected to be able to comply with those laws	原因一	主句的内容要调整  感觉前后说的是一件事 遵守法律的好处没有说出来
A legal system should reveal the general wills of most people thus its justice cannot be easily judged by a single individual	原因二	你也是没有句子之间的过渡
When it comes to unjust laws, people should raise their objections through certain ways instead of disobedience in order to avoid bringing chaos to the society	原因三		certain legal ways
Laws are important to a society's stability, the prerequisite of implementing laws are the obedience of people those laws enforced on	主旨句1		断句
As soldiers in troops who can't only submit to commands they approve while ignore commands they object, it is important for every individual in a society to obey the laws	和士兵进行类比	和前一句的过渡	整句话不知道在说什么
If the enforcements of laws are deprived, a society can't guarantee laws to be implemented			搭配   你就说 if the laws are not enforced不行么
Then people will take chances to commit crimes thinking they may escape punishment
Thus laws will lose its functions in preventing crimes	人们不遵守法律就不能保证法律预防犯罪的功效
Furthermore, laws reveal general wills of most people in a society so that their justifications can't be judged by a single individual	主旨句2
A certain law might be beneficial for some people while be harmful to others' interest		和上句没有连贯
If people take this disadvantage as injustice and disobey corresponding laws, then nearly every law would be broken so that fairness of laws wouldn't be guaranteed		没有具体例子
So justice of certain laws shouldn't be decided by a single individual
When it comes to unjust laws, some people may argue that unjust laws will be harmful to society so that we shouldn't obey them			so that后面跟目的
However, I argue that people should raise their objections through certain ways instead of disobedience in order to avoid bringing chaos to the society	主旨句三
Although laws should be fixed and rarely changed to insure the stability of the society, governments should provide certain ways for its people to object to some laws, and make sure that the interests of most people have been taken into consideration before changing those laws	法律应该通过特定途径改变	没有例子是很大的问题
In conclusion, it is important for people to obey laws in order to guarantee the fairness of them	总结
For unjust laws, there should be certain method to allow objections and changes instead of disobedience	总结