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[求助] 作文本1.21更新到今天！(低落) [复制链接]

jbc88 UID：2365521 jbc88 当前离线最后登录 2013-3-16 在线时间 1130 小时寄托币 2518 声望 113 注册时间 2007-7-18 阅读权限 5 帖子 17 精华 0 积分 2243 UID 2365521 禁止发言声望 113 寄托币 2518 注册时间 2007-7-18 精华 0 帖子 17 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	电梯直达楼主发表于 2010-1-21 21:28:15 \|只看该作者 \|倒序浏览提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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eddie23508ok
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沙发

发表于 2010-1-23 07:02:38 |只看该作者

As we all know, learning is a boring and tinder (?) long term task which maybe need your one life time. I saw a lot of people is too tired or depress to learn any more. I think mark is the only choice for the question that how to keep students' confident with learning.(从第一段中看不到作者的观点)O6 M, k7 B

The first of all (First of all), exam is the only measurement which can test students’ ability and what they had (have) learned. So marks are very important to students. Students can prove that what they learn to their parents who hope student (learns) learn more and more. If students do not want to their parents who work hardly to pay for their tuition lost confidence which their parents put on them (这句太复杂，chinglish的味道太浓，建议再斟酌一下，If students do not want to disappoint their parents paying for their tuition), only to get a good mark which can let their parents happy (getting a good mark may make them happy).7 P7 J- V R' e) z

In addition, masks can make students feel pressure from each other (others) so that they will learn harder and harder like two basketball teams fighting for winner (playing against each other for victory). I still remembered my college life. As long as anyone got 100 at any (in the) exam, I was very surprised to ask him what he did (for) homework and how he find data. Then, I would take his experience into my study and work harder to get a mark which was high (higher) than his mark in (the) next exam. When I recall these experience, I can image if there was (were虚拟语气系动词) not exam or mark, what should had I did（what would I have done）? (看来LZ有必要好好再看看语法，特别是虚拟语气以及一些基础的搭配)

In conclusion, I believe marks encourage student to learn harder and harder.

建议LZ多看看范文，另外觉得LZ貌似还不能很好的驾驭长句的使用，文中长句太多，看来是用中文思考，然后翻译过来的，中国味太浓；文章展开得不够，建议动笔前好好想想。另外语法方面错误也很多，希望予以注意。加油

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summerdingdavid
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5楼

发表于 2010-1-24 10:05:41 |只看该作者

Making friend is so common in our human being daily life.(这句很别扭，真的，宁愿不要） Many people ask which is better between making friend with intelligent people or making friend with people who have a good sense of humor. There（this) is a controversial problem. Those people who like entertainment make friend with people who have a good sense of humor, on the contrast(contrary), these people who like studying make friend with intelligent people. Here are some reasons why I argue we should make friend with both kinds of people.
(这段里的这个例子……我真的不知道怎么可以看出和题目有关系啊！） Foremost, making friend with intelligent people will bring you help when you are in your disappointing case. For example, my brother was a criminal. When he was released from the prison, he can not found any jobs because no any boss wanted to hire the person who had crime record. Meanwhile, my brother classmate john who is an excellent business man come to gave my brother a job. Although the job did not bring too much money to him, I believe the job would be another novel start for his life.8 x8 f+ ~(9 O ^. u! u7 g
) [4 t$ L( u3 J& W& Y" i
In addition, making friend with people who have a good sense of humor will let your life teem with （用的好，学习了！）happiness and fun. My friend alice is a humor friend. Whenever I am depressed or upset, she always accompanied with me and told me a host of funny story. （这个也是很不错的）She sometimes had something which let me worry for her, she always very directly confront with those matters. （整个句子词不达意哈）Since her this kind of sprit, even if I meet some troubles, I still can keep （try)my best to deal with those.
sum up, both two kinds of people are valuable to us. We can learn ability to analyze and knowledge from the intelligent people. Likewise, our troubles which come from learning knowledge will be eliminated by people who have a good sense of humor. In my prospective, we should let we open our heart to communicate with two kinds people and absorb their merit.

LZ你的作文再加加油！！！！！

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shirley072
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6楼

发表于 2010-1-24 10:55:09 |只看该作者

Making friend is so common in our human being daily life. Many people ask which is better between making (to make) friend with intelligent people or making friend with people who have a good sense of humor. There is a controversial problem. Those people who like entertainment make friend with people who have a good sense of humor, on the contrast, these people who like studying make friend with intelligent people. Here are some reasons why I argue we should make friend with both kinds of people.
4 W9 v1 d0 i+ E! v3 B
4 B# f4 U8 d5 r3 J7 fForemost, making friend with intelligent people will bring you help when you are in your disappointing case (you feel disappointed). For example, my brother was a criminal. When he was released from the prison, he can not found any jobs because no any boss wanted to hire the person who had crime record. Meanwhile, my brother’s classmate john who is an excellent business man come to gave my brother a job. Although the job did not bring too much money to him, I believe the job would be another novel start (可以这样说job么？) for his life.
5 y4 r& c. W0 f* P- [7 G
* I& o3 k% Y5 a, z2 ?3 lIn addition, making friend with people who have a good sense of humor will let your life teem with happiness and fun. My friend alice is a humor friend. Whenever I am depressed or upset, she always accompanied with me and told me a host of funny story. She sometimes had something which let me worry for her (什么叫做sometimes had something?这句话的意思有点不明白), she always very directly confront with those matters. Since her this kind of sprit (Because of…), even if I meet some troubles, I still can keep my best to deal with those.
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1 K) G* c/ N1 u. O$ e/ fTO sum up, both two kinds of people are valuable to us. We can learn ability to analyze and knowledge from the intelligent people. Likewise, our troubles which come from learning knowledge will be eliminated by people who have a good sense of humor. In my prospective, we should let we open our heart to communicate with two kinds people and absorb their merit.

主要说一下内容上
第一个例子里面以excellent business man作为例子，是因为楼主潜意识认为这样的人是intelligent？intelligent直译过来就是聪明，有理解能力和学习能力的之类的意思，当然一个优异的生意人应该具有这样的特点，但是这并不能说明他就不是一个幽默的人，我觉得既然楼主要用这个来做例子，就要多写几笔，说明他是如何intelligent的人。
而第一个例子是针对disappointing case,第二段是针对upset的情况，我是觉得这样两者是很相似的，但是楼主分成两段明显是想说两种不同情况下不同people对自己的影响嘛，所以在选例子的时候要注意差别
还有，英文写作中要避免出现第二人称（you），这个是我以前写作文的时候别人提的意见呵呵

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shirley072
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8楼

发表于 2010-1-25 10:34:51 |只看该作者

Nowdays, there is a wide agruement that studnets would receive a better education if they were asked to attend classes for 11 months of one year. Some people who worry disqualified education (不合格的教育？什么意思) hold that it is a good idea while some prople who afrid students' burden is too much claim it increase students study pressure (it is a good idea中的it是指代前面么？但是这样看上去跟后面的句子联系更紧密，句子结构感觉比较混乱，建议把两类意见分开写，至少要用逗号隔开). In my prespective, I feel students who are under huge study pressure has been surrounded by (due to numerous) homework and courses. If their classes extend to 11 months, they will not taste meaning and happiness of learning. ' Q1 [3 U: M) r; e7 X
Foremost, students' freedom time will be little. Follow (Since) their break time is less and less, their efficienty will be less and less (decline) and they will have mere one month's break in one year when their courses take up 11 months (句子有问题，翻译过来就是因为他们的休息时间减少，所以效率减少和他们只有一个月休息时间而要学习11个月，逻辑关系不清晰). The meaning of education is more than taking courses such as college students (同样是句子问题，什么叫做例如students？跟meaning有什么关系？). They are required to not only take classed and also take knowledge (？应用？apply sth. to…) which they have learned to apply to everyone's life. So, what they need is freedom time to interview (怎么变成采访了？practice), but the only one month of a year is obviously not enough.
% ?# Z3 @( m1 O* s* N- mIn addition, students' tution is a huge spent (huge expenditure) for every family. According a survey published by Virgina Univeristy, 70% college students take advantage of their freedom time to work in resturants or supermarket to get money which are paid for tution and their life fee. Can we image how many students will lost school (失学？be forced to leave school) for no tution when their working time is only one month.
! i7 K2 Q& i( ]4 \' SWhat is more, that students take more courses means which means that teachers should teach more courses, in other words, teachers need more money in their payroll. Who will pay for that? It is obvise that students can not afford. Will government pay for that?
: D% w: A# }" l1 bI really can not view any possibility of our govenment which is defict in government's finance statement will invest." g" Y. u, \1 b& X: H7 z- U) ]

. k9 G9 d- p" X: y# m7 mTo sum up, That students were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year is not rational and possible. It only bring tears of students' parents ,red number in government finance statement and countless students who can not go to school.

很多拼写错误，可以自己修改
发现楼主写得太随意了，很多都是想当然的在写，比如lost school，take knowledge，还有很多句子内部根本就不存在逻辑关系，而楼主只是把想说的话堆在了一起
最重要的是审题，楼主的笔墨全用在了题的后半部分，但是关键点a better, effective education没有提。比如说到老师的工资，跟这个有什么关系？你可以说老师没有工资就不会认真教课，导致education的质量下降这才是关键。再比如说经济问题，学生需要花时间打工，不能只是为了保证不退学，还要强调退学了就根本谈不上education，更不要说是better education了。要点题，时刻围绕题目的论点为中心

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shirley072
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10楼

发表于 2010-1-26 10:51:17 |只看该作者

The foremost, as our technology and knowledge grow faster and faster than that in the past, our problems which we need to solve are (become) more and more complicated. In ancient, few scholars could totally keep all information in their mind, because there was no library or computer which can help people store information and knowledge and most people could not read and write, even they had not educational right (同样是句子内部的逻辑关系问题：基本上没有学者能记住所有东西是因为没有图书馆么？反过来，难道有图书馆来记录信息学者就能记住了么？楼主想说是因为要记的东西实在太多同时也没有像图书馆之类的来辅助记录信息吧，不能直接跳跃啊，要理清条理和一对一的因果关系。请仔细读and后面的部分). However, now we have thousands of scientists and millions of library and computers. The content of knowledge can not be accepted by any one who even is the cleverest in the world (像这种句子我就不能理解). As our public education level raising, most of citizens can read and write. So, people giving each other advice is saving time and efficiency than using somebody's own knowledge. (为什么能都能写是采纳建议的原因？我觉得楼主又想说采纳建议是因为save time。混乱呢)
% E! `: H3 E" G3 y$ z, n0 e: b
# B: K5 A+ P! v2 S2 Y: ^! kIn addition, any one's energy and experience are limited while we should confront with a great many problems which exist in our life are many. Like one people (one person, people)'s life, he (前面在说life，这里怎么突然来个he，注意句子的衔接) must cope with his working matter, take care of his wife and children and adjust his mental and physical condition at same time. It is hard for us to have successful career, happy family and perfect condition. So we sometimes need talk with our parents and communicate with our bosses and ask them what they thought. If he does not do those, it is impossible for him to have a glorious life. For another example, an international corporation’s CEO always instantly keep touch with their shareholder and his managers to enquire their idea, thus, the corporation will be better. y- h; W0 S' m. ^, `2 D
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To sum up, I disagree the argument that it is better to use own knowledge and experience to solve question, or ask other people for advice. If anyone believe that he use his own ability can do better job without any one's advice, in the end, he must be loser.

建议楼主在组织句子的时候先好好想想一个逻辑关系，比如一个因果关系，最简单的方法就是反过来想想是不是依然合理

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lxg198607
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12楼

发表于 2010-1-27 16:58:19 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 lxg198607 于 2010-1-27 16:59 编辑

Nowadays, There is a debate about(这里好像语法不对了吧，要么把about去掉，后面加从句，要么about保留，后面加动名词形式) that people spend more time on personal enjoyment rather than what they should do. Some people who like entertainment think people should spend more time on personal enjoyment while some people who like working or studying hold that people should spend more time on what they should do. I deem both of them have sufficient reasons.
In（the） first place, personal enjoyment is necessary to everybody's life. For example, every person need eight hours one day sleep to recover our energy and stamina. If anyone do not sleep for eight hours one day,（这句的意思应改和你想表达的不一样，可改成 if people spend less than eight hours on sleeping everyday ） it is certain that he will get sick. How do he do what he should do when he is ill? (这句没看懂)So, personal enjoyment exert a important function for himself job. For another instance, everybody always has his own hobby such as playing basketball, cheese, video game and so on. Then, when we are under pressure and matters which come from our job, why do we try to use my hobby to release our depressed mood and our nervous brain(这句有点不通)? I heard a Japanese company gave its employees' office to install video game（这句感觉有点中式英语了，可i heard about a story that a company from japan allows its staff to play video games at work ） in order to they work happily。
In addition, what we should do also is important. On one hand, As long as we do what we should do, we will get what we want including our personal enjoyment. Like me, I really want to get a new computer, so I must work harder to get more money which is paid for my new computer. On the other hand, If we always pursue our personal enjoyment rather than do not do what we should do, we will be punished. When I was a student, I take the time which I should take to finish my homework to play video game. Then, I was ordered to stand in(去掉) outside of classroom for couple hours （a couple of）after my teacher checked my homework.
In sum, I argue that we should schedule our time(make a schedule) for personal enjoyment and what we should do. We need to balance their time to get our career success. 你的conclusion 好像没回答到底应该花在娱乐还是工作多这个问题。
suggestions: 我觉得你应该少写长句，多些短句，有些难词的使用感觉也不是太准确，本人水平也不高，都是写拙见。希望大家共同努力。。

mlgb, i am tortured by ibt

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ivybetty
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14楼

发表于 2010-1-27 20:33:01 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 ivybetty 于 2010-1-27 20:50 编辑

Nowadays, There is a debate about that people spend more time on personal enjoyment rather than what they should do. Some people who like entertainment think people should spend more time on personal enjoyment while some people who like working or studying hold that people should spend more time on what they should do. I deem both of them have sufficient reasons.(看来楼主的观点是两种都有理了,那是否要明确表示下不同意题目观点以示扣题?) 4 H# c. `" J/ u* e6 @& C
7 ]8 v" D% z c+ e1 _6 P6 k
In first place, personal enjoyment is necessary to everybody's life. For example, every person need eight hours one day sleep(这个有过于绝对之嫌,是否可以该成to keep healthy and refresh for job next day.) to recover our energy and stamina. If anyone do not sleep for eight hours one day, it is certain that he will get sick.(和上句一样很绝对) How does he do what he should do when he is ill? So, personal enjoyment exerts an important function for himself job. For another instance, everybody always has his own hobbies such as playing basketball, cheese(chess?), video game and so on. Then, when we are under pressure and matters which come from our job, why do we try to use my(our) hobbies to release our depressed mood and our nervous brain? I heard a Japanese company gave its employees' office to install video game in order to they(in order to keep them) work happily.8 E: K/ M) t% P$ W& G, T* j

In addition, what we should do also is important. On one hand, As long as we do what we should do, we will get what we want including our personal enjoyment. Like me, I really want to get a new computer, so I must work harder to get(make) more money which is paid for my new computer. On the other hand, If we always pursue our personal enjoyment rather than do not do what we should do, we will be punished. When I was a student, I take the time which I should take to finish my homework to play video game. Then, I was ordered to stand in(去掉) outside of classroom for couple hours after my teacher checked my homework.

j) x* k! d! E9 _
In sum, I argue that we should schedule our time for personal enjoyment and what we should do. We need to balance their time to get our career success.结尾简洁明朗,学习了!但是前面的两段例举中如果提到相关结论,可能不会使读者觉得唐突.

A river is made drop by drop.

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shirley072
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15楼

发表于 2010-1-28 11:27:26 |只看该作者

Nowadays, there is a debate about that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics.
(Some people claim that government should spend more money in support of art rather than athletics, but, some people argue that government should spend more money to help our national athletics (这两句话不起任何作用，跟第一句话一样，只是分开重复了一遍，我觉得要写这种形式的句子就要把不同的原因写出来，比如说为什么选arts，为什么选athletics). In my prospective, I hardly agree that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic teams (disagree么？那么就直接给出自己的观点，不同意政府在arts上花钱更多是什么观点？是应该在athletics花更多么？), because I think both of them are need to invest by government.6

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First of all, government should spend money to support arts. As we all know, American is the most powerful country in the world. Since world war one, American government instantly rendered fund to art field. After world war two, American government would cut tax which some international corporations should pay, if those companies donated money to art, so that government can indirectly provided finance acid to art. Why did American government apply those policies? I believe that what American government did in art field must have very extensive relationship with American strong power（我觉得这句话对前一句的解释不太好，为什么要采取政策，是因为art和power联系在一起么？什么意思呢）. So government should spent money to support art.'

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In addition, government also should spend money to hold athletics. Heath always is our daily hot topic. Everybody not only takes care of his heath but also considers his parents and children's heath. Heath not only come（comes） from our every meal but also our athletics. Thus, if government is a responsible government, it should build gyms and make advisement about benefits of athletics.

What is more, government should give help to state-sponsored Olympic teams. Since Olympic is a wonderful international sport competition. If our Olympic teams win a gold, we will very proud of our country and it also will enhance other countries people's friendship with us（同样是逻辑，为什么？我觉得如果我们赢了，其他国家的people会以我们为目标努力，尝试超越呢）. Then, other countries people will visit our country.1 h, @/ A1 \7 L
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In sum, both of arts and athletics play an crucial role in our national development, so government has duty to support their growth. That is why I can not agree with the view that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics

主要是我觉得这个题目很难写，我觉得我都写不下去了。。楼主提出的观点很模糊，所以我也不知道论据的定位在哪里，好像是把两个方面都阐述了一下。感觉是在说政府要在两者上都花钱，感觉有点避开题目一样，就是不说要在运动上花的多，或者花得一样多，反正不同意在arts花的多就是了。且那个Olympic team我觉得没有必要单独来说，毕竟题目里面只是such as，所以只要把它作为一个例子写进文章就可以了

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