写作修改铺 | AW Workshop

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

废话不多说了， 上来帮大家改作文的。 开这个帖子同时也希望和大家交流经验， 共同提高AW写作水平， 发帖形式没有硬性要求， 可以跟回帖， 也可以以贴出独立开帖的链接。

至于我的水平， 就要看广大的寄托们满意不了， 总之我会尽我所能， 提出我自己的建议。

最后祝福奋斗在寄托道路上的人们痛苦并快乐着！

darkrenUID: 2510587

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1004632-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1004924-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006638-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006639-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006641-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006643-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006659-1-1.html
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1006861-1-1.html
这些都是最近我写的贴上来的。一次贴这么多着实不好意思，望楼主海涵~楼主有空就去瞧瞧，因为明天就上刑场了，给点意见评论评论，告诉我还应该注意哪些问题就好！万分感谢~~

破海沧澜UID: 2401581

2# darkren
TOPIC: ISSUE206 -"People are too quick to take action; instead they should stop to think ofthe possible consequences of what they might do."
WORDS: 781
TIME: 01:40:00
DATE: 2009/9/6 17:18:20

Since the 17th century (17th century seems came out of nowhere), efficiency and profit have becomemore and more dominated in our society. In order to adapt this change and tosurvive from the fierce competition, people have to enhance their abilities andefficiency as well. Therefore, more quick action without a twice thinking is afamiliar phenomenon around us. However, as I concern, no matter how less timeis left for you, a twice thinking is still a significant step before you movingforward.
(Ever since industrial revolution our societyhas been more profit as well as efficiency dominated; nowadays Darwinists arguethat people have to more competitive to survive, and biases such that peopleshould make quick decisions seemingly have become an implicit rule for themajority. However, from my perspective, thinking twice before decisions was, isand always will be a good decision-making habit, and I will explainspecifically in the following.)

Date back to the 17th century, thefirst Industry Revolution; the society welcomed an era of prosperity andtechnology advance. More and more people join the team to operate their ownfactory, business and, moreover, the colony invasion (Private factories, individualbusinesses flourished around the country.). During that time, what people most concerned was how to make asmuch money as possible in a relatively short time. Hence, the ones who takethe first step, the ones who react faster than others, means all these peopleoften acquire greater advantage and more profit (Pioneers and quick-minded elitesearned greatest profits among all treasure-seekers.). And such trend was graduallycopied by more and more people (Motivated by such legendary success, people started to imitate theirexternal strategies and actions).Admittedly, the boom of industry revolution did bring great prosperity to thesociety. However we also did witness lots of problems, such as the fatalenvironment and energy issues, which were overlooked during the 17th century.Just because some people pursuing the most profit without furtherconsideration, that lead environmental problems to slightly accumulate. Andfinally, those people have to pay much more back for fixing the problems theyplanted years before. In 2002, the Bush government refuse to sign up on theTokyo CO2 protocol, for afraid this protocol may do harm to US motorindustries. Unfortunately, this action some or less accelerates the GlobalWarming. Since then, the global temperature has increased at least 3 degreecentigrade. The Atlantic icebergs are declining rapidly, many countries facethe threat of being drowned by the increased sea level. Because of an actionwithout more consideration, people in the world have to face the greatchallenge for survival. There are many similar examples show us the fatalresults that too quick action without twice thinking may brings. Therefore, inshort, some time a stop to think the consequences may reduce the lost we mayhave in the future.

On the other hand, a furtherconsideration instead of quick action possibly not reduces the profit but helpto reach the final victory. On the war field, fast reaction usually meansadvantages, such as the Thunder Action which German army applied in the WorldWar II. However the fast action does not always bring the victory. Back to theWW II, on the North Africa field, the famous Desert Fox, Erwin Rommel didsuccessfully apply the Thunder Action strategy. But at last, the French andBritish army won the North Africa battle because they reconsider the situationand wait until all the back-up arrived. Finally, they launched the attack stepby step, and gradually took back the fields. Because of more consideration, theNorth Africa battle was end up with the victory of Britain and France. Not onlyon the battle field of bullets, but also on the field of economy, considerationbefore action may bring back more profit.


Nowadays, when we look backto the depressions, similarly, we may find that all the crisis share somethingin common, that is the arbitrary investigation without more consideration.However, we can also find that, during these depressions, there were somewinners stood out, and in my mind, the President Roosevelt is the mostsuccessful one. During the 1930s. The US faced great challenge of economiccrises. Most of the American people were willing to get rid of the burden ofthe depression. But surprisingly, President Roosevelt did not choose to helpthe economic industry, otherwise he paid most attention to the fundamentalfacilities construction. Looking back to this policy, it turned to be a wiseand flexible choice. Because of the attention to the basic facilitiesfoundation, the employ problem was settled, and gradually, the whole economywas turning into a better situation. All these successes should be contributedto Roosevelt’s further consideration. Shortly, sometimes, a furtherconsideration may bring greater benefit to us.

Granted that, some time if we spendtoo much time on planning and imagining the consequence, the chances may flipaway through our fingers. Therefore, a consideration should be taken, as whilewe must react quickly. A balance between the quick action and furtherconsideration is necessary.

On the whole, no matter how hard youare being pushed in front of the time, do spend some time to consider what mayhappen in the future, plan what steps you may take in the future.



Comment: Good job overall! I can see that you've tried hard to elaborate your essay! However, there are some places you overly "decorated", which is unnecessary, you should try to make it concise and straightforward. It's easier for you to write and easier for readers to understand!

Good Luck!

bobo19890313UID: 2622130

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1012157-1-1.html

bobo19890313UID: 2622130

呵呵，害怕跑题重改的一篇，望大家看一看多给建议，中文提纲已给出！！交流交流！呵呵，必回拍！！

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

ISSUE65 我的处女作，请狠批！
"People have been so encouraged to focus on apparent differences  that they fail to see meaningful similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups."

In most cases, people are likely to pay more attention to apparent differences between ideas, individuals and groups. However some meaningful similarities among our surroundings are helpful indeed.

Different opinions always lead to great progress in the scientific fields. Retrospect to the early period of the development of science. There were several of explanations of a single phenomenon. After fierce debates and conflicts, researchers had made a conclusion which was accepted by the majorities, such as the establish of the Relativity Theory. In 1900s, the theory of classical physics built by Newton was substantial in the scientific world. However there were several experiment phenomenons, such as the Blackbody Radiation that cannot be explained by the classical theory. It was Albert Einstein who challenged the authority and asserted that the classical physics was not a universal theory and established his own theory which is still the principle of the science now.

On the other hand, the similarities are also a positive force to the modern science. Some experts of different areas found the common principle in the subjects they were focused on and worked together to combine them. A lot of significant subject such as biochemistry, mathematical physics were started in this way.

And also some scientists themselves are familiar with several subjects. During the 18th century or maybe earlier the famous mathematicians, physicists and even philosophers were the some person. That is because they had found the meaningful similarities of different subjects and use them as a whole.

When it comes to individuals, apparent differences often as a discipline to set up relationship among strangers. When you meet a stranger, during your talking, you may find the different hobbies, ideas, goals and something like that, then you make a decision that whether he or she can be your friend.

Otherwise, the similarities are important either. For example, couples are always having much more common aspects in order to enjoy a happy life. Seldom does anyone get married to someone that has no common sense.

Leaders of groups such as companies, sports team, classes should be able to utilize the various personalities of the members. Only in this way could improve the competitive of groups. Also, an effective leadership needs the ability to combine the meaningful similarities of members, because the similarities make the cooperation more efficiency and easily.

Take the basketball team as a example. An excellent coach should arrange the team reasonably. Someone shoot better and jump higher should be a shooting guard, and the one who is taller can be a frontline, and who is quicker ought to be a swingman and so forth. The coach may also take advantage of players` cooperation ability to arrange tactical such as backdoor cut, double team, fast break.

Finally the apparent differences and the meaningful similarities are all have positive effects on almost every area we live in. thus, we should better to keep a balance of them.

cwebber04UID: 2597569

ISSUE170 处女作，谢谢批改~170.The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers,artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people.


When asked about the issue the generalwelfare of all the people play the most crucial role to judge the greatness ofa nation, of course, I agree the great nation should aim at general welfare ofits people; in contrast, I oppose the former part of the statement that theachievements on policy, art, or technology depart from the steps to establish agreat nation, because so absolute is it that in most cases it can be disproved.


To begin with the definition of the generalwelfare, in my idea one main element of the general welfare basely is public healthand safety, and a high standard of living. While curiously the goal of sciencedevelopment, whatever in the area of health science, technology, physics, and engineering,is to benefit all the human being in the standard of living. In 1928 SirAlexander Fleming, British bacteriologist and Nobel laureate, found penicillinby chance. This amazing mold can effectively inhibit many deathful bacteria andlater was comprehensively used in medical treatment. Since that people don'tfear the diseases like Black Death, the live span lengthens and the populationrises. From the instance in British, the prominent achievement in health carecontributed to enhanced the people physical well-being, thus could be seem asthe strong prove that scientific achievement meliorate the welfare of thenation’s citizens. In sum, I bolster the claim that the achievements ofscientists bring the aims, promoting all human well-being, into fruition.


Besides the reason why I deem theachievement of artists is also vital to evaluate the greatness of a nation isthat the human overall which I think is another important concern of generalwelfare need artistic achievement like plays, operas, dramas, films, music youname it. There is a famous saying by P.B. Shelley that a great poem is afountain overflowing with the waters of wisdom and delight. Indeed, no one doubtsthat the maestros have played key role of supplying the fodder of mentalenjoyment and lifting the human spirit in all society. Take William Shakespeareas example. All he remained become the endless treasure for later generations toadapt and innovate, and the source of inspiration, creativity, and imagination.As the result of William Shakespeare’s great contribution, people get relax andenjoyments from these dramas or plays which make us feel real existing withhumanity in this world. Therefore, I believe the achievement of artists shouldbe considered as the necessary indictor of a great nation due to the generalwelfare including both satisfaction on substance and mental content.


Perhaps this is arbitrary to judge thegreatness of a nation according only to the two aspects I mentions in aboveparagraphs, for of particular cases are many way in which the scientificattainments adversely have placed the limits or obstacles on the generalwelfare. As we all known, the global warming is the severest and largest rangeof negative effect caused by the industrial development. Immediately thefollowing ideas come to mind: a great nation should do their best to controland prevent these things, thereby the political leaders work. The effectivepolicy may hardly eradicate but prevent these negative influences deterioratingor try our best to make up. Obviously, that is why I hold the opinion that theachievement of rulers, scientists, and artists as integral contribution is thesurest indictor of a great nation.


Taking into account of all these factors, Ireach the conclusion the end product of individual achievements aim at theprosperity of a nation, even the whole world and the prosperity of the world isequal to the general welfare of all the people.

ZeldashdjnUID: 2701581

感谢LZ开这个帖子，谢谢你的辛勤劳动。
ISSUE235 - "Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty-whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution-is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force."
Outline:
Statement:忠诚在不同的情况下对我们的生活有着不同的影响。
MI 1:忠诚其实有着与我们大多数人所认知的方面所不一样的地方，它并不是总是有利于我们的，比如疯狂的个人崇拜和对没有能力的人愚忠。
MI 2:然而在很多情况下忠诚也是很有利于我们的，忠诚可以让团队更有凝聚力，更容易取得好的成果，从而也更有利于培养个人的能力。
MI 3:忠诚有着双重的作用，这取决于我们忠诚的方式，忠诚的程度，还有很多忠诚的不同的属性。
Conclusion:重申立场
计612个单词
According to the speaker's assertion ,loyalty is not ,as majority of people maintain ,a merit at all ,while it invariably serves as a destructively negative role in primary circumstances ,involving friends ,school ,place of employment ,and any institution .Apparently ,this very assertion has an element of truth .Yet ,it possess an extreme passive perceptiveness toward loyalty by neglecting those positive facts due to loyalty .
Initiatively ,I must concede the illusion--held by most of us--that loyalty enjoys a great fame as a virtue actually can not be such a fact ,that adapt to every circumstance .To be more precise ,chances are that loyalty ,combined with extremism ,will definitely turn into some really devastating mind ,such as chauvinism and fideism in religion ,all of which converts pure loyalty into an irrationally emotional affect as a result of the ultimately loyalty .Subsequently ,blind loyalty to some certain leaders is generally a terrible mistake ,which may probably be unthinking devotion ,and even terrorism .Therefore ,it is an obvious possibility that hundreds of thousands of threats toward society security ,just as illegal cult activities ,is responsible for ultimate loyalty .As it does in the case of Adolf Hitler ,the personality cult of Adolf Hitler ,on a unprecedented scale ,engaged in nearly whole country people ,undoubtedly gave rise to the World War Two .And this very war bring us the unpredictable damage to our world .So ,loyalty has its drawback ,stimulating intimidating result .   
Nevertheless ,it flies in the face of a myriad of facts ,in which loyalty ultimately arouse a considerably benefits towards one's friends ,family ,colleagues , country ,even the whole world ,to say that loyalty can merely cause the destructive consequences .Apparently ,it is a comparatively simple step to accept this idea that loyalty plays an indispensable role in team success .To bolster this perspective ,we need to refer to no further than our daily life ,in which students do their utmost in contests and ultimately develop themselves by their loyalty to their school ,employees work hard to increase the competitiveness of their company and finally have a progress in their own ability by their loyalty to their company ,and inhabitants obey the policies and conclusively obtain a more comfortable living circumstance by their loyalty to their country .In addition ,loyalty is an effective virtue to enhance the certain team's cohesiveness ,which will without any denying buildup a rewarding factor toward the advancement of the team .Afterwards ,the loyalty and improvement will render interaction ,eventually forming a virtuous circle .

In the light of the two paragraphs above ,the whole picture of loyalty seems to present in front of our eyes without reservation . And in this picture ,twofold feature of loyalty will lead us to the deduction that it requires definitely more than one viewpoint to evaluate royalty . Query whether we have enough capability to figure out can loyalty be given a fixed definition of virtue ,or whether it really has such a fixed definition at all .So when it comes to loyalty ,it is totally incorrect to rank it into whether the superior virtues or the destructive qualities .The distinction between every single loyalty will vary dramatically ,in the result of a crowd of features is in the position of controlling what kinds of loyalty it is .And in this way ,it will not be vague to maintain the opinion whether loyalty is a beneficial virtue can not be a verdict .
In sum ,attempts to acquire unconditional recognition surrounding the characteristics of loyalty invariably fail to achieve .Loyalty ,in every way ,is both an angel and a devil .It requires our analytical thought to answer the question .

zhengchangdianUID: 2563082

拜托楼主了，谢谢啦:lol
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1039371-1-1.html

woshisuperUID: 2737087

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1040015-1-1.html
谢谢版主啊~~~

一定要成功UID: 2589294

能不能帮我改下A207呢？这是我第一次写，想看看我应该朝什么方向改进，谢谢大牛啊！拼写错误的我都用红笔改了。
TOPIC: ARGUMENT207 - It is known that in recent years, industrial pollution has caused the Earth's ozone layer to thin, allowing an increase in the amount of ultraviolet radiation that reaches the Earth's surface. At the same time, scientists have discovered, the population of a species of salamander that lays its eggs in mountain lakes has declined. Since ultraviolet radiation is known to be damaging to delicate tissues and since salamander eggs have no protective shells, it must be the case that the increase in ultraviolet radiation has damaged many salamander eggs and prevented them from hatching. This process will no doubt cause population declines in other species, just as it has in the salamander species.
WORDS: 596
TIME: 01:00:00
DATE: 2009-12-10 下午 10:50:03

The argument for that the population of salamander has declined due to the increasing ultraviolet radiation, which will continue to cause population declines in other species seems at first glance to be somehow invulnerable. It rests on the assumption that the salamander eggs are delicate and can be damaged by ultraviolet radiation. Further, the author reasons the ultraviolet radiation as the cause of the decline in salamander species, undoubtedly along with other species. However, the author suffers from at least three critical fallacies and the dubious assumption and reasoning render this argument unconvincing.

In the first place, having no protective shells does not automatically indicate that salamander eggs are dedicate and vulnerable to ultraviolet radiation. First, it is possible that salamander eggs have impermeable membrane, which is strong enough to prevent them from the damage of ultraviolet radiation. If not, it is also possible that this kind eggs contains something special and does not absorb or can reflect and abate the radiation. It is entirely possible that these eggs are usually be born in caves or under the cover of natural things, for example, leaves, which prevent them from exposing to the radiation. Moreover, even if the aforementioned cases are not feasible, the argument is still unwarranted due to no information to substantiate the increasing ultraviolet radiation is strong enough to cause damage to the certain that hatching will be checked. Thus, before determining whether ultraviolet radiation should be responsible for the decline in the salamander species, the author should preclude the possibilities I have mentioned above and provide the information about the strength of the radiation.

In the second place, even if the influence of ultraviolet radiation may not be simply ignored, it is unwise to overestimate it influence and mask other potentially more important factors leading to the decline in the salamander species. Such alternatives may include the environmental pollution, such as water pollution, which possibly
may also be caused by the industrial pollution as mentioned in the argument. It is also possible that the decline has more to do with the sringkage shrinkage of inhabitat or the rise in predation by human or natural enemies than to do with the relatively inappreciable. In a word, it is beneficial for the author to rule out other possible interpretation in contributing to the decline in the salamander species or provide obvious and direct evidents evidence to corroborate the causal relationship between the decline and the increasing ultraviolet radiation.

Additionally, the argument only involves one species of salamander, yet the author draws conclusion for all categories of salamander and other species. First of all, other species of salamander may not propagate by laying eggs. Even so, it is possible that these eggs are invulnerable to ultraviolet radiation. For example, they have protective shells that can reflect the radiation. Thus, absent evidences to prove the ultraviolet radiation gives rise to the declines in other species, the author's presumptuous conclusion based on the case of one species of salamander is unreasonable.

On the whole, while the argument has some merits in attempt to explain the decline in some species, it cannot be termed as logical and invulnerable. If the author provided more concrete evidences to solidify the causal relationship between the ultraviolet radiation and the population declines in some species, or deliberated and excluded the possibilities I have presented, I would accept the author's conclusion that the increasing ultraviolet radiation should be responsible for the population declines in some species. Otherwise, even the industrial pollution leading to the increasing ultraviolet radiation has been mitigated, perhaps the population will continue to decrease.

qxn_1987UID: 2610437

我的。。
辛苦啦~非常感谢！！

fly-2011UID: 2707582

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1042633-1-1.html
谢谢楼主啊，不胜感激，关键是不知道如何快速提高，从哪方面应该改进，万分感谢

fly-2011UID: 2707582

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... xtra=#pid1773445097
万分感谢版主，再者我的心理素质很好，尽量狠批！

yxwang1988UID: 2735195

[Issue11]第一篇GRE习作，求拍 https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1044772
[Issue41]第二篇完整习作，望高人指导 https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1045457
拜托了，你懂的