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[习作点评] 【回报GTER】joyce的作文修改铺【13号打烊】 [复制链接]

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发表于 2010-8-4 00:20:14 |显示全部楼层
楼主,你好,希望有空的话能够帮忙改一下。谢谢。
Issue130
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

At the first glance, this opinion seems like very appealing. But further reflection tells me that whether you think it is right or not is most decided by how you understand the word “socialized”.
“Socialized”, which is very difficult to distinctly defined, has many means according to different people’s understanding. Here we just understand its means from its noun form ‘socialization’. Someone might thoughts that it is just the ability of communicating with each other, or it is the ability that one deal with various relationships among people. In my opinion, ‘how children are socialized’ is the same means ‘how children are educated’ and ‘how children communicate with each other’. Because, I think that the process of a person is socialized is also the process one person learn from the society and educated. Of course, here, education is not the ‘traditional education’ which consists only learn knowledge from book or learn some technical ability. Here, the education is the education that we ultimately pursue, and we can call it “ultimate education”. Once, I have heard a sage have said that ‘The highest function of education is to bring about an integrated individual who is capable of dealing with life as a whole.’ That is also to say that the function of education is to provide optimal conditions for the development of each person as an integrated whole though cultivation of human potentialities e.g. physical, cognitive, artistic, psychological, emotional and moral or spiritual. I think this may be what I called “ultimate education”. According to the understanding of what does “Socialized” means, I think that “How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society” is right. Because of that children are the hope of our future society, what they do will determine the direction of development of our society. But we can’t deny that our society’s destiny is also determined by us. For the reason that it is ourselves who teach our children.
As the above says, it is ourselves who teach our children, thus how to raise children or educate children to bring about a better society is an important thing for us. Unfortunately, I don’t think that we have already found a good method to solve this problem. Because we also have a lot of problems, such as the population of environment, global warming and so on, didn’t solve. All of this is just because some of us are so egocentric and so short-termed that he didn’t consider others and his descendants. Thus, we should find a new form of education which is based on correct understanding of human personality or human nature and will lead to a peace and true democracy society.
In sum, our children dominate the destiny of future society. Thus how our children are socialized is an important thing that we can’t ignore. Also, we should find a new form of education which is based on correct understanding of human personality or human nature and will lead to a peace and true democracy society. Thus our children will be raised and can help bring about a better society.

另外请楼主指点一下Issue如何开头,这个开头是我用别人的模板。总觉得很别扭。还有关于这篇issue(第三篇)我自己总觉得写的有点跑题。请楼主指点一下。这里先说声谢谢了。

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发表于 2010-8-4 02:16:24 |显示全部楼层
LZ有时间的话,帮忙改改了,马上就考了,疯都疯了,水平实在有限啊~
TOPIC: ARGUMENT220 - The following appeared in an article in a magazine for writers.
"A recent study showed that in describing a typical day's conversation, people make an average of 23 references to watching television and only 1 reference to reading fiction. This result suggests that, compared with the television industry, the publishing and bookselling industries are likely to decline in profitability. Therefore, people who wish to have careers as writers should acquire training and experience in writing for television rather than for print media."
WORDS: 584         TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010-8-3 19:26:04
In this article the writer draws his conclusion that the future writer should have more training and experience in writing for television rather than for print media merely based on the recent study concerning the preference for the television and fiction. In my viewpoint, this evidence is unsubstantiated and groundless as it stands. And I will have a careful analysis in turn.
As I see this study, there is a significant question in my mind, whether the study is scientific or not. The writer merely informs us the style of studying is based on a typical day's conversation, however, the writer fails to provide us more concrete information concerning the characters of the participants, such as the occupation, interest, and so forth. It is entirely possible that the participants of the study is practitioner in television field, it is easy to understand why they talk more about the television. What is more, the writer overlooks the fact that this study is about the comparison between the TV and fiction, the program of TV is always concerning the recent news and current affairs, these topics are closely related to the real life in society. As a result, people could communicate these affairs in TV naturally, it does not mean that the individuals have no interest in fiction.
And for this comparison between TV and fiction, it is unequal and unreasoning. The TV is the broad based media, the spectators are more and always get together to watch it, so people have common topic frequently. Nevertheless, fiction rests with the different interest, it is not easy to discuss. It is equally possible that the people who talk TV above still put their attention in the fiction. There is not the direct relationship between the number of reference and preference for media.
Granted that people pay more attention on the TV, it could not represent that the profits of publishing and bookselling industries will decline. At first, there is a close line with profit and cost. From this argument, we do not receive any information about the coast of the TV and publishing and bookselling. As we know, the cost of TV program is very high, compere, stars, post production, all need to pay a lot of money. At the same time, the publishing would have less step than TV and cost less. And further, there is not the only one style in publishing, magazines, newspapers all including in it. No evidence proves the attentions of them declining, and then the profits would decline. Without ruling out these alternatives, the writer could not claim that the profits of publishing and bookselling would decline.
Last, even if the evidence mentioned above is accurate and sound, the writer could not recommend that the people who want to have a career as a writer should have more training and experience in writing for television rather than for print area. Actually, these different writing fields could communicate with each other, and the training and experience of print area could be also significantly useful for writing in TV field. There are many literary works rearranged to TV program, such as Harry Potter. The writer’s recommendation is extremely partial and absolute.
As I analyzed above, the argument is fulling of fallacies and logical flaws. If the writer wants to reinforce the argument, he should make a scientific study concerning the real interest for the media. For better evaluating the conclusion, I also need to know the cost of these medias and  advertisement investment of them.
    再次感谢,考完了,我也开个修改铺~呵呵

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发表于 2010-8-4 06:46:42 |显示全部楼层
29# 美丽太阳花
OK 帮你看看:)
等等传Word附件上来
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发表于 2010-8-4 06:48:52 |显示全部楼层
30# 柏戍
:loveliness: 呵呵

我前一阵夜行
现在改早起了
刚起来

马上就改:)
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发表于 2010-8-4 06:49:50 |显示全部楼层
31# yinghui12
OK :)

马上改 待会传附件上来

:loveliness:
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发表于 2010-8-4 06:50:37 |显示全部楼层
32# janneth
不要急不要急

快考试了更要稳住呀:)

我来看看
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发表于 2010-8-4 08:17:50 |显示全部楼层
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1130762-1-1.html
写了一篇艺术类的,请帮忙看下吧。
艺术类的,对我来说,是不太容易。
拜托:)
美丽太阳花 发表于 2010-8-3 22:50


你看下我上传的附件吧,艺术类的不好写,我建议你多写几遍,多改改,至于这篇
让我有点糊涂了
论证的也不够,整体思路有点被限制的感觉,随文附上了一篇我认为比较好的

131 by joyce.doc

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发表于 2010-8-4 08:46:28 |显示全部楼层
30# 柏戍
改好了

word 给你

多多

+u

其实写的已经非常好了:)

第二篇argument14(revise).doc

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发表于 2010-8-4 08:59:20 |显示全部楼层
31# yinghui12
不用客气,:)

你果真跑题了,或者说是没说道点子上

恩恩  建议你再写一遍,看看其他人的范文,再拿来讨论:)

Issue130 R by joyce.doc

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发表于 2010-8-4 09:14:04 |显示全部楼层
32# janneth
OK啦

一早起来改了5篇~~吼吼

今天收工,改好了 传了附件上来,你看看:)

有问题再讨论

鉴于你快考试了,还有问题就发我站内信息给我,我看到了就来答复你:)


                                  Joyce

A R by joyce.doc

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发表于 2010-8-4 16:14:37 |显示全部楼层
37# ppjoyce
谢谢你的意见,我会好好修改的
还有半个月就要考试了
看来要集中练习了

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发表于 2010-8-4 17:53:50 |显示全部楼层
41# 美丽太阳花 你好 下午的时候我看其他人的经验的时候又想到了你的文章

之前总是觉得是哪儿没说清楚 后来意识到这样一个问题:
(你看看我说的对不对)
观点很重要没错,但是一个好发展的观点就更有用了

而我们真正缺乏的是好的观点,

何谓好的观点?

好写又好理解的观点就是好的观点

.但是我在改作文的过程中发现很多寄托族的观点很难发展,

等待你的回复...:)
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发表于 2010-8-4 18:00:19 |显示全部楼层
42# ppjoyce
是这样的

有时候我觉得我自己思路没问题,因为我几乎就是照搬的别人写过的提纲。
其实我也不知道真正的自己的思路是什么,或许是因为我思考不够,也或许是因为我已经思维定势,很难突破。
有时候有些精彩的表达,我能够马上用汉语想起来,可是如果用英语基本就是不可能的了。
现在考G作文,ISSUE是思路模板化,而ARG是句式模板化,感觉很无奈。
我自己也很无奈,

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发表于 2010-8-4 18:04:28 |显示全部楼层
43# 美丽太阳花
"考G作文,ISSUE是思路模板化"

其实我觉得这句说的不太对....

水平有限啊...
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发表于 2010-8-4 18:08:25 |显示全部楼层
44# ppjoyce
嗯,对于很多人来说,是思路模板化了,确实也是个人水平有限
还有不到半个月的时间就考试了,我搬了很多别人的提纲
可是除了这个,我不知道该怎么办,迷茫
我也不打算写太多篇作文了,写了感觉思路还是跳不出来
如果说是我思考不够,或者写作水平不够好,这个短时间内可能提高不太大吧,不过还是会尽力而为,只是感觉很无奈。:mad:

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RE: 【回报GTER】joyce的作文修改铺【13号打烊】 [修改]

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【回报GTER】joyce的作文修改铺【13号打烊】
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